Post by Salem6 on Jan 14, 2006 0:00:35 GMT
The Fiver
13 January 2006
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Sniffing Glue; and Floats Of Giant Frankfurters
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TEENAGE KICKS
Considering most 16-year-old boys are sullen, covered in zits and have
little interest in anything other than sniffing glue, gunning down
their classmates and twanging the one-stringed bass, it's difficult
to believe there are actually folk out there prepared to pay GBP15m
for one when most parents would gladly give theirs away for free. But
while that's the sum Arsenal are reported to be lining up to pay for
Southampton tyro Theo Walcott, Arsene Wenger has moved quickly to
absolve himself of all blame.
"I rate the player but we haven't got a deal," confessed the Gunners
boss earlier today. "It is massive money even for a confirmed player
and a little bit high." Especially for a kid with just five career
goals to his name, and who can't play in Big Cup matches because they
always kick off after his bedtime.
And despite being spotted at Arsenal's training ground yesterday,
Saints chairman Rupert Lowe has also denied his visit had anything to
do with an imminent deal. "We would have had to have agreed a fee for
him to do that and we have not done so," he harrumphed, nervous in
the knowledge that if he doesn't sell Walcott soon, the player will
be free to lock himself in his bedroom and listen to Smiths records
for the rest of his life, as soon as he turns 17 in March.
Which could also explain why Wenger unveiled comparative pensioner
Abou Diaby (19) today, having signed him from Auxerre for a fee
believed to be somewhere in the region of GBP2m. "He is a strong
midfielder and has shown huge potential during his time at Auxerre.
He will be a tremendous addit-" parped Wenger, whose platitude was
cut short when your now completely-sick-of-effin-Arsenal Fiver heard
the news that they're about to sign Togolese striker Emmanuel
Adebayor as well.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"They are leading an isolated life because they are so protected by
their club. If the player brought his wife or partner with him it
helped him, but the partner suffered. Some clubs even chose the house
where the players live. The players are not learning about the
culture of where they are living, so they are living an artificial
life. It's a sad story" - Professor Susan Cartwright from the
Manchester Business School, explains why our hearts should bleed for
Hernan and co, after a study into overseas footballers who came to
England revealed their moves left them lonely, isolated and unhappy.
*********************
SAY IT AIN'T SO, SEPP. SAY IT AIN'T SO
What? No, it can't be true. That'd be like going to a nightclub
without being frisked by bouncers and fleeced by bar staff. Has the
World Cup opening ceremony really been cancelled?
Is 2006 really to be the year football's quadrennial showpiece is
denied an eye-popping, mind-boggling, gut-wrenchingly expensive
tackfest? Aren't we to be astonished by armies of costumed kids
forming themselves into the word 'fussball'? Or floats of giant
frankfurters filing past grinning mandarins, as John Motson, press
release in hand, earnestly explains that "this symbolises football's
fraternalnessism, the wisps of radish hinting at adventure as
slightly incongruous plums celebrate spontaneity"?
Sepp, you'd promised that the Berlin opening fandango, scheduled for
June 7, would be the glitziest, ritziest, costliest of all time. So
what's going on? "Fifa has decided to cancel the event. It has become
clear that there would be considerable risks involved, not only in
dismantling the stages and the event's technical installations in
time, but also in laying a new pitch, which has to be in perfect
playing condition by June 12."
But Sepp, 15,000 volunteers had been recruited to prance and frolic
like loons, and multimedia artiste Andre Heller had been hired to
mastermind the whole shebang. OK, so costs had already soared way
beyond the earmarked GBP17.5m, but come on, Sepp, tinsel and
fireworks ...
"Fifa has not taken the decision to cancel the event at such a late
stage lightly, but as world football's governing body, we must put
sporting considerations first." Fair enough, Sepp, we understand. Any
last words? "Personally, I still think the idea of holding such a
high-profile opening event is a good one ... but a more low-key
ceremony will be held in Munich on June 9." Excellent! One last
thing, Sepp: we all know how cathartic Euro 96 was for Stuart Pearce
after what happened to him in 1990 ... will Diana Ross be given the
chance to make amends for her penalty miss in USA 94?
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL'S THREE DEGREES OF JERZY DUDEK
Having lost his first-team spot and been unable to patch up his
differences with Rafa Benitez, Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek will
be shipped off to Middlesbore ...
... where Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink's recent relegation to the bench has
put his nose out of joint to the extent that he'll quit on a free
transfer and join Everton ...
... who themselves look set to lose Danish defender Per Kroldrup, with
Schalke ready to end his Merseyside misery. Which leads us back to a
certain unhappy Pole across Stanley Park. Sort of.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
"We have a management team in place to revive the Irish side's
fortunes and, just as significantly, its spirit" - Niall Quinn
reveals his delight at the Stan/Sobby Republic of Ireland dream team:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1685315,00.html
Our resident tipster James Dart digs out the best bets for this
weekend's action:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1684963,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.30 Berliner theguardian: Q: Steve
Coppell, are you looking forward to promotion with Reading? A: No.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
It's official. Stan Staunton and Rir Sobby O'Bobson will provide the
most unlikely double act since Chris Evans and Billie Piper after
they were confirmed as the Republic of Ireland's new manager and
'international football consultant' respectively. "I know that the
calibre of the team I have will bring a huge range of experience and
talent to the challenges that lie ahead. I can't wait to get
started," whooped Stan. Rir Sobby was last seen boarding a flight to
Durban ...
A 23-year-old man who robbed Anton Ferdinand outside a kebab shop
following a row over a girl has been jailed for two years. Leon
McDowall, once an AFC Wimbledon player, attacked and robbed the West
Ham defender in Croydon last September after accusing him of talking
to his fiancee in a nightclub. Judge Cedric Joseph said: "The fact
that he is a good footballer does not mean that he is entitled to a
lesser sentence than anyone else."
And Milan have added to their Brazilian contingent with the signing of
former Sao Paulo striker Amoroso.
* * * * * * * * * *
WIN A SWANKY SAMSUNG D600 PHONE
Send your best sporting picture - the Grand National field jumping
Becher's Brook, David Beckham shopping in Harvey Nicks, Ronnie
O'Sullivan giving a snooker table the bird ... whatever - taken with
your mobile to the.gallery@observer.co.uk now. The winner will get a
brand new phone and see their snap in the all-singing, all-dancing
Berliner Observer.
FANTASY CHAIRMAN
Enter (or indeed re-enter) theguardian's Fantasy Chairman for just
GBP3. All new teams are entered into a new league starting on January
23, so it doesn't matter if you were bobbins in the first half of the
season - you can still win prizes worth GBP2,000.
guardian.fantasyleague.com/content.aspx?p=CMP2006body.html
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Liverpool signing Daniel Agger. He says here (
www.johan-juhuu.com/site/truppen/spiller.php?i=22), in Danish,
that his favourite English club is Everton" - Henrik Smidt Hansen.
"All because Rick Parry has a dig at the honours list, theguardian
sees fit to drag up every Scouse stereotype under the sun: 'calm
down', muggings, car thieves, shell-suits etc. Lazy journalism and
cheap laughs" - Brian McLaughlin. [We didn't mention car thieves.
Apologies - Fiver Ed].
"Re: Arise Sir Djimi (yesterday's Fiver). This was about the most
unfunny thing I've ever read. Has whoever wrote it thought about
getting a job at the Sun or Daily Mail, because that's where those
sort of stereotypical references to Scousers belong" - Nick Connell.
"The talk of wristbands in yesterday's Fiver letters has given me an
idea. How about creating a 'Make Conspiracies History' one for
Liverpool Football Club and its hard-done-by fans?" - Toby Clark.
"Stuff Stevie Me, it was The Kaiser coming on at half-time that won us
that game. Any chance of his getting the Iron Cross?" - Dominic
Smith.
"I haven't received the Fiver since January 6. Please advise" -
Jonathan Gardner. [Count your blessings - Fiver Ed].
"Re: bungs. What's the betting that the only action the FA takes over
Mike Newell's claims is a disrepute charge for the Luton manager?" -
Rob Freeman.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best one each day
will win a copy of The V*rgin Guide To Poker (www.v*rginpoker.com)
and a copy of It'S Not Your Leg Son: The Book Of Shankly
(www.n*kedguides.com). Today's winner: Toby Clark.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: CREDIT CHECK
Check your credit report for free, monitor your credit rating and help
to protect yourself against identity fraud with a 30-day free trial.
money.guardian.co.uk/creditcheck
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC 2: World Professional Darts Championship (11.35pm)
Another day, another list of suitors sniffing around
looking-for-love, Liverpool-supporting, London-based lass Helen
Tomkins (32).
ITV1: Footballers Wives: Extra Time (11pm)
With the predators circling the last available female, this section
is starting to resemble a provincial nightclub 10 minutes before
lights-on. "My best mate Alan Synnott has a girlfriend now and is no
longer any use as a wingman," writes Paul Dunne.
Five: EhJohnEhBarnes'sEhFootballEhNight (12am)
"However, as he's a Rowdies fan who introduced me to the Fiver and
I'm a conspiracy-obsessed Liverpool fan, I would be happy to take Ms
Tomkinson out."
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
You were doing so well until you called her by the wrong name, you
dolt. What if that happened in the boudoir?
Live Football League - Wolves v Luton Town (7.30pm)
"I've a mate named Ciaran (32), who would like to meet Helen
Tomkins," reveals Fergus Kenny. "However, while he owns some property
and has a job, he also has ginger hair and supports Everton."
Soccer AM's All Sports Show (10pm)
A real catch and no mistake. Unlike this bloke, proposed by Marc
Sinfield? "I'd like to offer up my good friend Rod Marquis as a
potential match for Helen. He fulfils all the general criteria (31,
single, London-based, own place, own teeth) and he's a Liverpool
fanatic.
Football League (12am)
"He's a looker as well - a bit like a slim Frank Lampard, but with
lovely puppy-dog eyes.
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (12.40am)
"This man should not be single and Helen sounds perfect for him. If
all goes well I'll make sure the Fiver gets a seat at the wedding."
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
Well Helen? Are you ready? Are you ready for love?
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
Let us know who caught your eye this week and we'll put you in touch
with them on Monday.
Newstalk 106FM: Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Meanwhile keep your proposals coming to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and
mark them I Could Be So Good For You.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
BOOZE: THE CAUSE OF AND SOLUTION TO ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
13 January 2006
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Sniffing Glue; and Floats Of Giant Frankfurters
* * * * * * * * * * * *
TEENAGE KICKS
Considering most 16-year-old boys are sullen, covered in zits and have
little interest in anything other than sniffing glue, gunning down
their classmates and twanging the one-stringed bass, it's difficult
to believe there are actually folk out there prepared to pay GBP15m
for one when most parents would gladly give theirs away for free. But
while that's the sum Arsenal are reported to be lining up to pay for
Southampton tyro Theo Walcott, Arsene Wenger has moved quickly to
absolve himself of all blame.
"I rate the player but we haven't got a deal," confessed the Gunners
boss earlier today. "It is massive money even for a confirmed player
and a little bit high." Especially for a kid with just five career
goals to his name, and who can't play in Big Cup matches because they
always kick off after his bedtime.
And despite being spotted at Arsenal's training ground yesterday,
Saints chairman Rupert Lowe has also denied his visit had anything to
do with an imminent deal. "We would have had to have agreed a fee for
him to do that and we have not done so," he harrumphed, nervous in
the knowledge that if he doesn't sell Walcott soon, the player will
be free to lock himself in his bedroom and listen to Smiths records
for the rest of his life, as soon as he turns 17 in March.
Which could also explain why Wenger unveiled comparative pensioner
Abou Diaby (19) today, having signed him from Auxerre for a fee
believed to be somewhere in the region of GBP2m. "He is a strong
midfielder and has shown huge potential during his time at Auxerre.
He will be a tremendous addit-" parped Wenger, whose platitude was
cut short when your now completely-sick-of-effin-Arsenal Fiver heard
the news that they're about to sign Togolese striker Emmanuel
Adebayor as well.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"They are leading an isolated life because they are so protected by
their club. If the player brought his wife or partner with him it
helped him, but the partner suffered. Some clubs even chose the house
where the players live. The players are not learning about the
culture of where they are living, so they are living an artificial
life. It's a sad story" - Professor Susan Cartwright from the
Manchester Business School, explains why our hearts should bleed for
Hernan and co, after a study into overseas footballers who came to
England revealed their moves left them lonely, isolated and unhappy.
*********************
SAY IT AIN'T SO, SEPP. SAY IT AIN'T SO
What? No, it can't be true. That'd be like going to a nightclub
without being frisked by bouncers and fleeced by bar staff. Has the
World Cup opening ceremony really been cancelled?
Is 2006 really to be the year football's quadrennial showpiece is
denied an eye-popping, mind-boggling, gut-wrenchingly expensive
tackfest? Aren't we to be astonished by armies of costumed kids
forming themselves into the word 'fussball'? Or floats of giant
frankfurters filing past grinning mandarins, as John Motson, press
release in hand, earnestly explains that "this symbolises football's
fraternalnessism, the wisps of radish hinting at adventure as
slightly incongruous plums celebrate spontaneity"?
Sepp, you'd promised that the Berlin opening fandango, scheduled for
June 7, would be the glitziest, ritziest, costliest of all time. So
what's going on? "Fifa has decided to cancel the event. It has become
clear that there would be considerable risks involved, not only in
dismantling the stages and the event's technical installations in
time, but also in laying a new pitch, which has to be in perfect
playing condition by June 12."
But Sepp, 15,000 volunteers had been recruited to prance and frolic
like loons, and multimedia artiste Andre Heller had been hired to
mastermind the whole shebang. OK, so costs had already soared way
beyond the earmarked GBP17.5m, but come on, Sepp, tinsel and
fireworks ...
"Fifa has not taken the decision to cancel the event at such a late
stage lightly, but as world football's governing body, we must put
sporting considerations first." Fair enough, Sepp, we understand. Any
last words? "Personally, I still think the idea of holding such a
high-profile opening event is a good one ... but a more low-key
ceremony will be held in Munich on June 9." Excellent! One last
thing, Sepp: we all know how cathartic Euro 96 was for Stuart Pearce
after what happened to him in 1990 ... will Diana Ross be given the
chance to make amends for her penalty miss in USA 94?
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL'S THREE DEGREES OF JERZY DUDEK
Having lost his first-team spot and been unable to patch up his
differences with Rafa Benitez, Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek will
be shipped off to Middlesbore ...
... where Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink's recent relegation to the bench has
put his nose out of joint to the extent that he'll quit on a free
transfer and join Everton ...
... who themselves look set to lose Danish defender Per Kroldrup, with
Schalke ready to end his Merseyside misery. Which leads us back to a
certain unhappy Pole across Stanley Park. Sort of.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
"We have a management team in place to revive the Irish side's
fortunes and, just as significantly, its spirit" - Niall Quinn
reveals his delight at the Stan/Sobby Republic of Ireland dream team:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1685315,00.html
Our resident tipster James Dart digs out the best bets for this
weekend's action:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1684963,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.30 Berliner theguardian: Q: Steve
Coppell, are you looking forward to promotion with Reading? A: No.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
It's official. Stan Staunton and Rir Sobby O'Bobson will provide the
most unlikely double act since Chris Evans and Billie Piper after
they were confirmed as the Republic of Ireland's new manager and
'international football consultant' respectively. "I know that the
calibre of the team I have will bring a huge range of experience and
talent to the challenges that lie ahead. I can't wait to get
started," whooped Stan. Rir Sobby was last seen boarding a flight to
Durban ...
A 23-year-old man who robbed Anton Ferdinand outside a kebab shop
following a row over a girl has been jailed for two years. Leon
McDowall, once an AFC Wimbledon player, attacked and robbed the West
Ham defender in Croydon last September after accusing him of talking
to his fiancee in a nightclub. Judge Cedric Joseph said: "The fact
that he is a good footballer does not mean that he is entitled to a
lesser sentence than anyone else."
And Milan have added to their Brazilian contingent with the signing of
former Sao Paulo striker Amoroso.
* * * * * * * * * *
WIN A SWANKY SAMSUNG D600 PHONE
Send your best sporting picture - the Grand National field jumping
Becher's Brook, David Beckham shopping in Harvey Nicks, Ronnie
O'Sullivan giving a snooker table the bird ... whatever - taken with
your mobile to the.gallery@observer.co.uk now. The winner will get a
brand new phone and see their snap in the all-singing, all-dancing
Berliner Observer.
FANTASY CHAIRMAN
Enter (or indeed re-enter) theguardian's Fantasy Chairman for just
GBP3. All new teams are entered into a new league starting on January
23, so it doesn't matter if you were bobbins in the first half of the
season - you can still win prizes worth GBP2,000.
guardian.fantasyleague.com/content.aspx?p=CMP2006body.html
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Liverpool signing Daniel Agger. He says here (
www.johan-juhuu.com/site/truppen/spiller.php?i=22), in Danish,
that his favourite English club is Everton" - Henrik Smidt Hansen.
"All because Rick Parry has a dig at the honours list, theguardian
sees fit to drag up every Scouse stereotype under the sun: 'calm
down', muggings, car thieves, shell-suits etc. Lazy journalism and
cheap laughs" - Brian McLaughlin. [We didn't mention car thieves.
Apologies - Fiver Ed].
"Re: Arise Sir Djimi (yesterday's Fiver). This was about the most
unfunny thing I've ever read. Has whoever wrote it thought about
getting a job at the Sun or Daily Mail, because that's where those
sort of stereotypical references to Scousers belong" - Nick Connell.
"The talk of wristbands in yesterday's Fiver letters has given me an
idea. How about creating a 'Make Conspiracies History' one for
Liverpool Football Club and its hard-done-by fans?" - Toby Clark.
"Stuff Stevie Me, it was The Kaiser coming on at half-time that won us
that game. Any chance of his getting the Iron Cross?" - Dominic
Smith.
"I haven't received the Fiver since January 6. Please advise" -
Jonathan Gardner. [Count your blessings - Fiver Ed].
"Re: bungs. What's the betting that the only action the FA takes over
Mike Newell's claims is a disrepute charge for the Luton manager?" -
Rob Freeman.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best one each day
will win a copy of The V*rgin Guide To Poker (www.v*rginpoker.com)
and a copy of It'S Not Your Leg Son: The Book Of Shankly
(www.n*kedguides.com). Today's winner: Toby Clark.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: CREDIT CHECK
Check your credit report for free, monitor your credit rating and help
to protect yourself against identity fraud with a 30-day free trial.
money.guardian.co.uk/creditcheck
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC 2: World Professional Darts Championship (11.35pm)
Another day, another list of suitors sniffing around
looking-for-love, Liverpool-supporting, London-based lass Helen
Tomkins (32).
ITV1: Footballers Wives: Extra Time (11pm)
With the predators circling the last available female, this section
is starting to resemble a provincial nightclub 10 minutes before
lights-on. "My best mate Alan Synnott has a girlfriend now and is no
longer any use as a wingman," writes Paul Dunne.
Five: EhJohnEhBarnes'sEhFootballEhNight (12am)
"However, as he's a Rowdies fan who introduced me to the Fiver and
I'm a conspiracy-obsessed Liverpool fan, I would be happy to take Ms
Tomkinson out."
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
You were doing so well until you called her by the wrong name, you
dolt. What if that happened in the boudoir?
Live Football League - Wolves v Luton Town (7.30pm)
"I've a mate named Ciaran (32), who would like to meet Helen
Tomkins," reveals Fergus Kenny. "However, while he owns some property
and has a job, he also has ginger hair and supports Everton."
Soccer AM's All Sports Show (10pm)
A real catch and no mistake. Unlike this bloke, proposed by Marc
Sinfield? "I'd like to offer up my good friend Rod Marquis as a
potential match for Helen. He fulfils all the general criteria (31,
single, London-based, own place, own teeth) and he's a Liverpool
fanatic.
Football League (12am)
"He's a looker as well - a bit like a slim Frank Lampard, but with
lovely puppy-dog eyes.
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (12.40am)
"This man should not be single and Helen sounds perfect for him. If
all goes well I'll make sure the Fiver gets a seat at the wedding."
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
Well Helen? Are you ready? Are you ready for love?
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
Let us know who caught your eye this week and we'll put you in touch
with them on Monday.
Newstalk 106FM: Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Meanwhile keep your proposals coming to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and
mark them I Could Be So Good For You.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
BOOZE: THE CAUSE OF AND SOLUTION TO ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.