The Fiver

[Salem6]

The Fiver

06 January 2006

Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football

In today's Fiver: Bongo-For-Ale; and Jug-Eared Do-Gooders

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FOOLS RUSSIAN

When Portsmouth's new co-owner Alexandre Gaydamak declared that he had
bought into the club because it stood for "sport, passion and
community", your sporting, passionate and community-spirited Fiver
couldn't help but wonder why the Russian hadn't opted to pump some
cash into our dwindling coffers instead. After all, it wouldn't
bother us that his billionaire father Arcadi is the subject of an
international arrest warrant in relation to his alleged part in an
oil-for-arms deal to Angola, unlike the Fiver's weird uncle, who's
merely the subject of a bench warrant in relation to his part in a
bongo-for-ale deal down The Sailor's Fist.

"Portsmouth Football Club is a business I am investing in. There is no
relationship between my father and the football club," declared the
Pat Nevin doppelganger, lest anyone should worry about the origins of
his cash. "I see myself as a person who found an opportunity and a
very strong challenge, not a saviour."

And as if to prove that his new patron doesn't have the same financial
clout as Roman Abramovich, Portsmouth boss Ecstatic 'Arry Redknapp
stopped hyperventilating for long enough to declare that he will use
some of Alexandre's money to give Lees Bowyer and Hendrie a fresh
start at Pompey. "I think Bowyer would do something with us and I
like Hendrie too," he wheezed at reporters, before magically
unveiling GBP4.1m Zimbabwean striker Benjani Mwaruwari for good
measure.

Next up was hawk-eyed co-owner Milan Mandaric, whose shrewd
observation that "it is an exciting and important day for our ..."
was drowned out by the sound of a certain cockney wheeler-dealer
shouting down his mobile, as he rang the classified ads section of
Exchange & Mart one last time, in a bid to sell one exceedingly
dog-eared and well-thumbed copy of Exchange & Mart.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"We are in a no-win situation" - Mick McCarthy insists it's business
as usual for Sunderland ahead of his side's FA Cup third round tie
with non-league Northwich Victoria on Sunday.

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A CUP FULL OF MAGIC

As a cynical and jaded daily email with only a mid-life crisis,
dementia and a half-decent send-off to look forward to, little made
the Fiver laugh more last year than Djimi Traore's foal-legged
own-goal blunder in that FA Cup third-round meeting with Burnley.
Liverpool are unlikely to trip up in similar fashion against Luton
this weekend, but the Fiver's spotted at least one or two chances to
riff, be-bop and scat all over other people's grand old competition
pain. Or the Magic Of The FA Cup(TM), as jug-eared do-gooders like
Gary Lineker would have it.

Like the game at Hull, where Aston Villa hope to put their Carling Cup
exit to Doncaster behind them. The Fiver has good money on Liam
Ridgewell conceding a last-minute penalty to send a teary John Motson
into raptures, but Hull boss Peter Taylor isn't expecting much. "The
Villa players didn't get to grips with Doncaster, but that result has
probably made it a lot harder for us," he insisted earnestly,
labouring under the delusion that booting David O'Leary out of a cup
competition would put him in more illustrious company than Tranmere,
Cardiff, Burnley and Sheffield United.

Newcastle are still providing football's belly laughs, however, so
we're relying on Mansfield's visit to St James' Park for the real
amuseme... magic. All the classic ingredients are there: a manager
under pressure, bad weather, one team just about clinging to life in
the league - and Mansfield aren't doing too well either. "We have to
give them the utmost respect," parroted Graeme Souness. "This is
probably the biggest game they've ever played. This is probably the
biggest ground they've ever played in," he went on, respectfully
patronising Saturday's visitors to within a hair's breadth of their
plucky little existence. Come 4.48pm tomorrow (unless we're late and
you're reading this on Monday), here's hoping it'll be one hell of a
Stag party.

*********************

THE RUMOUR MILL

Arsene Wenger finally looks poised to replace Patrick Vieira's
hairless pate in the Arsenal midfield, with Thomas Gravesen set to
quit Madrid for the Gunners.

Fulham are holding talks with Southampton's Antti Niemi, after Saints
completed the signing of Gornik Zabrze keeper Bartosz Bialkowski.

A slice of the GBP3m burning a hole in Luton boss Mike Newell's pocket
will be spent on Hartlepool striker Adam Boyd.

And Genk's Bosnian winger Mirsad Beslija has been linked with a switch
to Middlesbrough, but his agent reckons he'd be happier joining one
of Hearts, Leeds or Sunderland. The Fiver's advice? Stay where you
are, son.

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STILL WANT MORE?

Why Niall Quinn can't get enough of the FA Cup now that it's returning
to full health:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1680286,00.html

Our resident tipster James Dart sidesteps the FA Cup for his best
weekend bets:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1680011,00.html

And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: Huddersfield
Town's key men reveal how they plan to take on Chelsea; and Richard
Williams asks if Burton Albion manager Nigel Clough is ready to
follow in his father's footsteps.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Man City defender David Sommeil has received the backing of manager
Stuart Pearce after opting to contest an FA charge of violent conduct
for his 'tackle' on THFC' Lee Young-pyo. "It looked to me like the
Tottenham guy was trying to smash the ball at David," claimed Pearce.
"I see many tackles that are a lot worse than that on TV every
Saturday night," he added, possibly after watching one BBC pundit too
many.

Roy Keane's registration has been cleared and he will make his Queen's
Celtic debut in Sunday's Scottish FA Cup third-round tie at Clyde.

Meanwhile, the Bhoys have refused to comment on a report that Stephen
Pearson and John Hartson were captured on a video featuring sectarian
chants. According to the Press and Journal newspaper, Pearson is seen
on the tape singing along to an Irish folk tune, with the singalong
punctuated by shouts of "IRA" and "Sinn Fein", while a man resembling
Hartson hugs a fan just before another cry of "IRA" is heard.
Pearson's agent, Willie McKay, said: "Stephen's seen the video and
said he sang Fields of Athenry, but he never shouted 'IRA'." Jonathan
Barnett, Hartson's agent, dismissed the report as "complete rubbish".

Stoke boss Johan Boskamp claims he won't resign before the end of the
season, despite signing a severance agreement in his 12-month rolling
contract.

And Wolves striker Kenny Miller has told Sheffield United where to go
with their GBP1.5m bid.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Paul from Warwick's friend (yesterday's TV & Radio) is confusing fact
with musical fiction. Johnny Cash's hit One Piece At A Time describes
his attempt to build a car by stealing parts from the Cadillac
factory over a number of years. The car ended up a patchwork of
disjointed, ageing, expensive and slightly knackered parts, much like
Newcastle United" - Stuart Evers.

"When this highly original car-smuggling riff reaches its natural end,
could we perhaps have stories about boys named Sue, accounts of young
cowboys taking their guns to town despite advice to the contrary, or
tales of people who have fallen into rings of fire?" - Declan Keane.

"Re: the Fiver's 'stationary' cupboard (yesterday's Fiver). I suppose
that's opposed to a cupboard moving really quickly, right? Welcome
back" - Jon Van Leer.

"Why do you have a stained, tinsel-covered and carelessly discarded
Basque in your stationery cupboard? Was he part of some Christmas
exchange programme with Bilbao that went horribly wrong?" - Patrick
Griffiths.

"Re: Rob Pinnington's claim (yesterday's Fiver letters) that Liverpool
won five Big Cups last year. I only got to hear about one of these.
Is this another example of the ongoing media conspiracy against his
team?" - Ben Robinson.

"Re: Nick Towle winning yesterday's letters. Presumably he still
stands by his 'not for sale' mantra. If so, I'd like to test his
mettle by offering him GBP1 for the Arsenal Cologne he won, that he
almost certainly won't want" - Paul Warner.

Send your letters to [e-mail]. The best one each day
will win a copy of The Virgin Guide To Poker (www.v*rginpoker.com)
and a bottle of Arsenal Cologne (www.starscents.com). Today's winner:
Declan Keane.

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ADVERT

It's a new year
So there's no better time to stop paying so much. Compare credit
cards, mortgages or other financial products to find the best deal
for you.
www.guardian.co.uk/money/compareandbuy

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TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO

ITV1: Footballers' Wives: Extra Time (11pm)
Regular readers may recall that exactly 364 days ago, Liverpool fan
Helen Tomkins (31) got in touch with the Fiver. Her new year's
resolutions included ...

Channel 4: My Name Is Earl (10pm)
... not listening to her slim friend complain about being 'fat',
finding a new source of money and finding a nice new man. We set her
up with Ben, whose idea of showing a woman a good time involved
taking her to watch Djimi Traore score the aforementioned comedy own
goal at Turf Moor. Surprisingly, their relationship went no further.

Five: The Shield: Entire First Series (11.10pm)
Anyway, today Helen is back. "It seems like only yesterday that we
shared some laughs about my 2005 resolutions and I thought you might
want to know how I got on," she reminisces with no little narcissism.

Sky Sports 1: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (9.35pm)
"My quest to find a new source of money was code for 'finding another
job'," she confesses. "This worked out well, as I was made redundant
last October." For being sarcastic, no doubt.

Premier League Preview (10.30pm)
"Switching off every time my size eight friend moans about her weight
has proved easier, as we haven't spoken since August.

FA Cup Football (11.30pm)
"The blind dates you so kindly assisted me with turned into a
disaster, so I'm now a single, gorgeous 32-year-old. But hey, I'm
nothing if not optimistic." And modest too.

British Eurosport: Live Efes Cup Football: Besiktas v Werder Bremen
(7.30pm)
"And Liverpool are doing well which is always a joy. By the way, this
year I'm trying to be less sarcastic and would like to learn to play
the guitar."

Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
Well Helen, with no friends, no job and no boyfriend, at least you'll
have plenty of time to practice your fretboard-fondling. You'll be
doing Hendrix-esque axe solos in no time.

Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
Now the Fiver's not one for going over old ground, as you know, but
this woman needs help before she gets left on the shelf and ends up
even older and lonelier in a smelly house full of cats, yellowing
Berliner theguardians and plastic bags full of plastic bags full of
plastic bags.

Newstalk 106FM (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy
(7pm)
So if you live in or around London and would like to offer her love,
guitar lessons, friendship and/or a decent job, write to
[e-mail], tell us what you can offer Helen and mark
your email: Pimp My Fiver Reader. P.S. No time-wasters, no musos, no
bread-heads. Well, no time-wasters.

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CONTACT THE FIVER

If you want to contact the Fiver, email [e-mail].

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FIVE NORMAL WINES, TWO PREMIUM WINES, TWO WHISKEYS AND A BOMBAY
SAPPHIRE. WILL SHE SPIT OR SWALLOW?

The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Georgina Turner.
Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered
in England and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate,
Manchester.