Post by Salem6 on Dec 17, 2005 0:26:44 GMT
The Fiver
16 December 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Big Cup Last 16; and Euro Vase Last 438
* * * * * * * * * * * *
PHILLIP DRUMMOND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
When it comes to interpreting gentle banter as grievous bodily harm,
few fans are as sensitive as those of Liverpool and the Pope's
O'Rangers. But despite the sense-of-humour deficit that seems to
afflict significant portions of his club's support, Rangers captain
Barry Ferguson made the Fiver snigger earlier this week when, in
anticipation of today's draw for the last 16 of Big Cup, he gushed
excitedly that he was "looking forward to mixing with the best in
Europe". It was rather rich to hear such talk from someone whose stay
at Blackburn proved he couldn't even mix it with the mediocre in
England. So perhaps it's just as well the draw today paired the
plucky Scots with Villarreal, statistically the worst team ever to
reach this stage of the competition.
Villarreal topped their group (the one MU Rowdies bottomed, lest we
forget) by scoring just three goals in six matches. No wonder Rangers
boss Alex McLeish today whooped, "We've got every chance of making
some sort of impact in this tie." Villarreal's group was also the
most boring in Big Cup history, with the four teams mustering just 12
goals between them in - Fiver begins counting on fingers then gives
up - lots and lots of matches. So how typical is it of Liverpool's
luck that they were pitted against Benfica, runners-up in that
plodsome assembly? The answer to that question rhymes with cherry
cooking.
Arsenal weren't so fortunate, pitted as they were against eccentric
Spanish aristocrats Real Madrid. "It's fantastic, pure showbusiness,"
warbled Gunners guv'nor David Dein, referring either to the match-up
or his luscious bouffant hairdo. "They're one of the great teams in
Europe, it's amazing we've never met them before." Not that amazing,
David, considering Arsenal habitually get dumped out in the
quarter-finals or earlier.
Chelsea, meanwhile, were handed perhaps the toughest task of all. The
Special One's men were reunited with old friends Barcelona, prompting
two obvious questions: in the interests of further WWE-ising
football, shouldn't Anders Frisk come out of retirement to officiate
this clash? And does Jose Mourinho still think it made no difference
whether Chelsea finished first or second in the group stages?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I once played against my brother Bob in Sunday league football. I
scored, but he got the final goal in a 3-2 win for his team. The
elbow count was about 17-15, and as a punishment my Mum stopped us
having our Sunday lunch" - Iain Dowie recalls the good old days ahead
of tomorrow's confrontation between Darren and Elliott Ward, when
Crystal Palace meet Plymouth. No Sunday lunch? It's a harsher
punishment that Alan Shearer got.
*********************
WE DIDN'T REALLY WANNA SEE THOSE FINGERS
Spare a thought for poor Sam Allardyce and his mottled, sausage
fingers - it can't be easy trying to get through a day's work using
those outsized, doughy digits. And what's more, they're developing a
nasty habit of plumping for short straws (damn them and their strong
resemblance to Chipsticks), for today Bolton and Big Sam drew the
merest stub from the Euro Vase fez, landing a last 32 tie with
Marseille.
That'll be former European champions Marseille who topped one of Euro
Vase's tougher groups [like one of Louis Walsh's more macho tantrums,
we know; it's all relative], while Bolton managed one victory to
finish third. And that'll be chairman Phil Gartside taking great
pains to remind everyone that Bolton are European debutants just out
for a good time. "It's a fantastic draw, a team from France with a
big name and we'll be looking forward to that," he woo-hooed.
"They have a far greater European pedigree than ours, but it's nice to
draw a team with a good record. Playing in Europe for the first time
has been an unbelievable experience," he went on, sounding less than
confident as he penned the obituary for Bolton's technically
still-breathing Vase voyage. "It'll be a magical European night."
After less than 10,000 people bothered with Boro's match against
Liteks last night, boss Steve McClaren was also keen to big up the
credentials of his boring lot's opposition.
"Stuttgart are a big club with a massive stadium and I think the fans
will come in droves to both legs," he sing-songed. "I said I wanted
tough opponents and it suits us just fine. We are confident in Europe
and this is just the kind of tie that will get the fans right behind
our run. Not least because we'll probably have to play Roma even if
we make it through, so time is running out," he almost added. But
didn't.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
'Arry Redknapp will be particularly 'appy if his grovelling persuades
Milan Mandaric to make sometime-Man City striker Robbie Fowler the
highest-paid player in Pompey's history.
Didier Deschamps and Paul Le Guen are hovering impatiently in the
background as PSG chairman Pierre Blayau prepares to axe current
coach Laurent Fournier.
And continued all-over knack could force Everton striker and burglar
repellant Duncan Ferguson to quit the game.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
In an article written before this morning's Big Cup draw, Niall Quinn
argues why Arsenal can rediscover their bearings on the continent:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1668668,00.html
It could be a barren Christmas in your household if you follow our
tipster James Dart's weekend bets:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1668311,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: More fighting
talk from Christian O'Connell; and all the latest news ahead of a
crucial weekend of Premiership action.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
A minute's silence will precede Sunday's Club World Championship final
between Liverpool and Sao Paulo in memory of Rafa Benitez's father,
who has died after a long illness. "They couldn't delay the funeral
and I couldn't go. I will see my mother next week and for me it's
better to continue working," said Benitez.
Another week, another Paul Gascoigne comeback: this time Conference
North outfit Lancaster City have opened talks with his agent over
filling the club's recently-vacated hot seat.
And Ronaldo has angrily denied reports he wants to quit the Bernabeu
and return to Internazionale. "I don't want to leave Real Madrid," he
blared. "How many times do I have to say it? I want to stay at this
club for many years to come and I want to win a lot of trophies
here."
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Printing Grand Wizard Grimmit's hate-mail the day of your Christmas
party was a shrewd gambit, ensuring ample rebuttal letters to pad the
next day's predictably weak, hungover effort" - Nick Danger.
"I'd like to complain about the increasingly offensive content of the
Fiver. I don't expect to read a daily football email and be
confronted with explicit maths and uncensored geometry, as has
happened on numerous occasions this week" - Iain Rowan.
"The Queen's Celtic? Far from it, I'm afraid. Retraction at some
stage, I assume" - Donn O Sullivan. [Hurrah! There's always one -
Fiver Ed].
"Re: Michael Owen's birthday present wish. If he does get a new groin
for his birthday, my girlfriend has asked if she can have his old one
for Christmas" - Brad Downing.
"Expect news of a severe injury to Damien Duff very soon. Last night
he was parked in what looked suspiciously like a disabled parking bay
at Sainsbury's in Cobham" - GG.
"Did James Payne (yesterday's Fiver letters) not realise that by
berating Matt Barton (Wednesday's Fiver letters) for mentioning
'EverQuest discussion forum' in the Fiver again, he became equally
culpable?" - Nick Smith.
"Does yesterday's news regarding Peter Crouch being awarded the 'own
goal' against Wigan blow a big man-sized hole in Stephen Jones's
much-publicised anti-Liverpool conspiracy theory? Or will it merely
increase his paranoia at being 'watched'?" - Gordon Tait.
"Re: GUBU (yesterday's Fiver). Ah come on lads. It was Conor Cruise
O'Brien who coined the acronym GUBU in 1983, based on words spoken by
Charles Haughey in 1982. Your abuse of facts could even be termed as
GUBU" - Paul Clerkin.
"Re: Clive Vedmore's letter yesterday. Darren Fletcher is better than
Juan Veron in the same way that a punch in the face is better than a
kick in the nuts" - Dan Cornish.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The writer of the best
one each day next week will win a bottle of Arsenal Cologne and a
copy of The V*rgin Guide To Poker (www.v*rginpoker.com). Today's
winner: Brad Downing (the fourth one down).
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: SOFA CINEMA
Gift subscriptions from Sofa Cinema
Struggling to find gifts for hard-to-buy-for relatives and friends?
Our DVD and game rental subscriptions start from just GBP9.99.
www.sofacinema.co.uk/gifts/
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
After yesterday's little breakdown, it's business as usual today.
Christmas party unpleasantness and such like, but no self-indulgent
introspection.
Live Football League: Preston North End v Sheffield United (7.30pm)
"Sorry, but this is a relatively short and lame effort," admits Paul,
who has no need to apologise because he's clearly sent it to the
right place.
Sky Sports 2: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (11.30pm)
"But it is hot off the press, having happened last night. After our
office Christmas dinner and prolonged drinking in some of Warwick's
finest hostelries, one of my colleagues passed out in the toilets of
one such establishment," he continues.
Sky Sports 3: Football League (2.30am)
"He woke up this morning in an otherwise empty flat, without a Scooby
where he was."
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (6pm)
Scooby? Ah, Scooby Doo = clue. Wouldn't it have been quicker to write
that?
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"It turned out to be the flat over the pub, where the cleaners had
dumped his unconscious body when they were unable to ascertain his
name or address.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"Upon waking he wandered around to a mate's house to cadge a lift
into work to perform perfunctory duties."
Newstalk106FM (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm)
What a trooper, eh? Share your tales of Christmas party hell with
the.boss@guardian.co.uk in an email marked I Went In The Next Day
With A Bag On My Head.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
PRIZE No83 IN THE GUARDIAN CHRISTMAS RAFFLE: A TONY ADAMS INCENSE
BURNER.
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle and Georgina Turner. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
16 December 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Big Cup Last 16; and Euro Vase Last 438
* * * * * * * * * * * *
PHILLIP DRUMMOND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
When it comes to interpreting gentle banter as grievous bodily harm,
few fans are as sensitive as those of Liverpool and the Pope's
O'Rangers. But despite the sense-of-humour deficit that seems to
afflict significant portions of his club's support, Rangers captain
Barry Ferguson made the Fiver snigger earlier this week when, in
anticipation of today's draw for the last 16 of Big Cup, he gushed
excitedly that he was "looking forward to mixing with the best in
Europe". It was rather rich to hear such talk from someone whose stay
at Blackburn proved he couldn't even mix it with the mediocre in
England. So perhaps it's just as well the draw today paired the
plucky Scots with Villarreal, statistically the worst team ever to
reach this stage of the competition.
Villarreal topped their group (the one MU Rowdies bottomed, lest we
forget) by scoring just three goals in six matches. No wonder Rangers
boss Alex McLeish today whooped, "We've got every chance of making
some sort of impact in this tie." Villarreal's group was also the
most boring in Big Cup history, with the four teams mustering just 12
goals between them in - Fiver begins counting on fingers then gives
up - lots and lots of matches. So how typical is it of Liverpool's
luck that they were pitted against Benfica, runners-up in that
plodsome assembly? The answer to that question rhymes with cherry
cooking.
Arsenal weren't so fortunate, pitted as they were against eccentric
Spanish aristocrats Real Madrid. "It's fantastic, pure showbusiness,"
warbled Gunners guv'nor David Dein, referring either to the match-up
or his luscious bouffant hairdo. "They're one of the great teams in
Europe, it's amazing we've never met them before." Not that amazing,
David, considering Arsenal habitually get dumped out in the
quarter-finals or earlier.
Chelsea, meanwhile, were handed perhaps the toughest task of all. The
Special One's men were reunited with old friends Barcelona, prompting
two obvious questions: in the interests of further WWE-ising
football, shouldn't Anders Frisk come out of retirement to officiate
this clash? And does Jose Mourinho still think it made no difference
whether Chelsea finished first or second in the group stages?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I once played against my brother Bob in Sunday league football. I
scored, but he got the final goal in a 3-2 win for his team. The
elbow count was about 17-15, and as a punishment my Mum stopped us
having our Sunday lunch" - Iain Dowie recalls the good old days ahead
of tomorrow's confrontation between Darren and Elliott Ward, when
Crystal Palace meet Plymouth. No Sunday lunch? It's a harsher
punishment that Alan Shearer got.
*********************
WE DIDN'T REALLY WANNA SEE THOSE FINGERS
Spare a thought for poor Sam Allardyce and his mottled, sausage
fingers - it can't be easy trying to get through a day's work using
those outsized, doughy digits. And what's more, they're developing a
nasty habit of plumping for short straws (damn them and their strong
resemblance to Chipsticks), for today Bolton and Big Sam drew the
merest stub from the Euro Vase fez, landing a last 32 tie with
Marseille.
That'll be former European champions Marseille who topped one of Euro
Vase's tougher groups [like one of Louis Walsh's more macho tantrums,
we know; it's all relative], while Bolton managed one victory to
finish third. And that'll be chairman Phil Gartside taking great
pains to remind everyone that Bolton are European debutants just out
for a good time. "It's a fantastic draw, a team from France with a
big name and we'll be looking forward to that," he woo-hooed.
"They have a far greater European pedigree than ours, but it's nice to
draw a team with a good record. Playing in Europe for the first time
has been an unbelievable experience," he went on, sounding less than
confident as he penned the obituary for Bolton's technically
still-breathing Vase voyage. "It'll be a magical European night."
After less than 10,000 people bothered with Boro's match against
Liteks last night, boss Steve McClaren was also keen to big up the
credentials of his boring lot's opposition.
"Stuttgart are a big club with a massive stadium and I think the fans
will come in droves to both legs," he sing-songed. "I said I wanted
tough opponents and it suits us just fine. We are confident in Europe
and this is just the kind of tie that will get the fans right behind
our run. Not least because we'll probably have to play Roma even if
we make it through, so time is running out," he almost added. But
didn't.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
'Arry Redknapp will be particularly 'appy if his grovelling persuades
Milan Mandaric to make sometime-Man City striker Robbie Fowler the
highest-paid player in Pompey's history.
Didier Deschamps and Paul Le Guen are hovering impatiently in the
background as PSG chairman Pierre Blayau prepares to axe current
coach Laurent Fournier.
And continued all-over knack could force Everton striker and burglar
repellant Duncan Ferguson to quit the game.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
In an article written before this morning's Big Cup draw, Niall Quinn
argues why Arsenal can rediscover their bearings on the continent:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1668668,00.html
It could be a barren Christmas in your household if you follow our
tipster James Dart's weekend bets:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1668311,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: More fighting
talk from Christian O'Connell; and all the latest news ahead of a
crucial weekend of Premiership action.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
A minute's silence will precede Sunday's Club World Championship final
between Liverpool and Sao Paulo in memory of Rafa Benitez's father,
who has died after a long illness. "They couldn't delay the funeral
and I couldn't go. I will see my mother next week and for me it's
better to continue working," said Benitez.
Another week, another Paul Gascoigne comeback: this time Conference
North outfit Lancaster City have opened talks with his agent over
filling the club's recently-vacated hot seat.
And Ronaldo has angrily denied reports he wants to quit the Bernabeu
and return to Internazionale. "I don't want to leave Real Madrid," he
blared. "How many times do I have to say it? I want to stay at this
club for many years to come and I want to win a lot of trophies
here."
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Printing Grand Wizard Grimmit's hate-mail the day of your Christmas
party was a shrewd gambit, ensuring ample rebuttal letters to pad the
next day's predictably weak, hungover effort" - Nick Danger.
"I'd like to complain about the increasingly offensive content of the
Fiver. I don't expect to read a daily football email and be
confronted with explicit maths and uncensored geometry, as has
happened on numerous occasions this week" - Iain Rowan.
"The Queen's Celtic? Far from it, I'm afraid. Retraction at some
stage, I assume" - Donn O Sullivan. [Hurrah! There's always one -
Fiver Ed].
"Re: Michael Owen's birthday present wish. If he does get a new groin
for his birthday, my girlfriend has asked if she can have his old one
for Christmas" - Brad Downing.
"Expect news of a severe injury to Damien Duff very soon. Last night
he was parked in what looked suspiciously like a disabled parking bay
at Sainsbury's in Cobham" - GG.
"Did James Payne (yesterday's Fiver letters) not realise that by
berating Matt Barton (Wednesday's Fiver letters) for mentioning
'EverQuest discussion forum' in the Fiver again, he became equally
culpable?" - Nick Smith.
"Does yesterday's news regarding Peter Crouch being awarded the 'own
goal' against Wigan blow a big man-sized hole in Stephen Jones's
much-publicised anti-Liverpool conspiracy theory? Or will it merely
increase his paranoia at being 'watched'?" - Gordon Tait.
"Re: GUBU (yesterday's Fiver). Ah come on lads. It was Conor Cruise
O'Brien who coined the acronym GUBU in 1983, based on words spoken by
Charles Haughey in 1982. Your abuse of facts could even be termed as
GUBU" - Paul Clerkin.
"Re: Clive Vedmore's letter yesterday. Darren Fletcher is better than
Juan Veron in the same way that a punch in the face is better than a
kick in the nuts" - Dan Cornish.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The writer of the best
one each day next week will win a bottle of Arsenal Cologne and a
copy of The V*rgin Guide To Poker (www.v*rginpoker.com). Today's
winner: Brad Downing (the fourth one down).
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: SOFA CINEMA
Gift subscriptions from Sofa Cinema
Struggling to find gifts for hard-to-buy-for relatives and friends?
Our DVD and game rental subscriptions start from just GBP9.99.
www.sofacinema.co.uk/gifts/
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
After yesterday's little breakdown, it's business as usual today.
Christmas party unpleasantness and such like, but no self-indulgent
introspection.
Live Football League: Preston North End v Sheffield United (7.30pm)
"Sorry, but this is a relatively short and lame effort," admits Paul,
who has no need to apologise because he's clearly sent it to the
right place.
Sky Sports 2: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (11.30pm)
"But it is hot off the press, having happened last night. After our
office Christmas dinner and prolonged drinking in some of Warwick's
finest hostelries, one of my colleagues passed out in the toilets of
one such establishment," he continues.
Sky Sports 3: Football League (2.30am)
"He woke up this morning in an otherwise empty flat, without a Scooby
where he was."
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (6pm)
Scooby? Ah, Scooby Doo = clue. Wouldn't it have been quicker to write
that?
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"It turned out to be the flat over the pub, where the cleaners had
dumped his unconscious body when they were unable to ascertain his
name or address.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"Upon waking he wandered around to a mate's house to cadge a lift
into work to perform perfunctory duties."
Newstalk106FM (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm)
What a trooper, eh? Share your tales of Christmas party hell with
the.boss@guardian.co.uk in an email marked I Went In The Next Day
With A Bag On My Head.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
PRIZE No83 IN THE GUARDIAN CHRISTMAS RAFFLE: A TONY ADAMS INCENSE
BURNER.
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle and Georgina Turner. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.