The Fiver

[Salem6]

The Fiver

02 December 2005

Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football

In today's Fiver: Beret-Wearing Socialist Revolutionary; and HRH Sir
Clive Woodward, Football Genius.

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OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN!

Although he ate up well after his morning gallop around the MU
Rowdies' training ground, Ruud van Nistelrooy's face looked even
longer than usual today. The reason for the equine-featured one's
unbridled disappointment? His trainer Sir Alex Ferguson's decision
not to saddle his thoroughbred with the Rowdies captaincy, choosing
instead to hand the armband to beret-wearing socialist revolutionary
icon Gary "Che" Neville.

"I've had a chat with Ruud but I think it's the right decision, given
the service Gary has given this club," announced Sir Fergie. "Ryan
[Giggs] was a consideration too, but Ryan is not going to play every
week. He will play a lot of games but we need to keep some freshness
in him. That is why I have reached the decision I have," he
continued, as one-time Rowdy vice-captain Rio Ferdinand hovered
forlornly in the background wondering where it all went wrong.

Removing his nose from his trainer's pocket where he'd been foraging
hungrily for sugar lumps and Polo mints, Ruud wasn't about to begin
neigh-saying: "I think Gary is the perfect captain for our team. You
can't wish for any more in a captain," he whinnied, getting the bit
between his teeth. Of course, the Rowdies wouldn't need a new skipper
if Roy Keane, the one they just parted company with, had known his
place, toed the party line and meekly agreed with everything his
manager said, like a good captain should.

And with his trusty Labrador Triggs's legs almost walked into stumps,
the time has come for the Irishman to find a new club where he can
play out his twilight years. Having decided that West Ham and West
Brom aren't for him, Keano has been listening to the overtures of
Everton manager David Moyes and looks set to make a decision
regarding his future by Monday. "I can confirm we have had talks with
Roy Keane," reported the Everton manager who already numbers Duncan
Ferguson among his players, but has clearly decided one ageing,
hot-tempered, injury-prone Celt with a peculiar accent just isn't
enough.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I'll say it, and I'll only say it once - I will not walk away. That
won't happen. And one of the reasons is that after football I have
got to look myself in the mirror every morning" - surely Graeme
Souness's mug would go with him even if he quit NUCC?

*********************

THE AUTHOR'S VIEWS ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE FIVER

All week we've been assailed by images of them conniving and
canoodling, so now we can say it for sure: 'Arry Redknapp and Milan
Mandaric look like nothing so much as a pair of ugly sisters; which
is apt, since they're undoubtedly the villains of the smash-hit
pantomime currently packing them in on the South Coast. And yet some
ignoramuses are already insisting that the real people to be booed
are rosy-cheeked hockey-connoisseur and Southampton supremo Rupert
Lowe and celebrated egg-chaser and captain of modesty His Royal
Highness Sir Clive Woodward.

Though Mandaric claimed today he's talking to "a number of top
targets" over the vacant Pompey post, word is he'll bring Redknapp
back to Fratton Park by paying Southampton GBP200,000 by way of
"compensation" for relieving them of the manager who presided over
Saints' first relegation in 27 years. In other words, Lowe is about
to complete a piece of business so canny worms could be released from
it. Which is exactly what some whingeing folks fear will happen next
... now that a certain all-conquering rugby hero currently serving as
Saints' director of performance has reportedly demanded to be made
manager.

As doom-harbingers bleat "impostor", the Fiver feels obliged to point
out HRH Sir Woodward's impeccable football credentials. Not only does
he love the game so much that, as a 15-year-old, he fell out with his
father after being banned from playing football just as Everton were
about to scout him, but as a flamboyant centre at Harlequins, he
concocted a back-row move that culminated with him HEADING the ball
past on-rushing opponents and plunging over for a try.

Proof, since it seems to be needed, that we are dealing with a
one-of-a-kind wizard who's highly-skilled in sporting
cross-fertilisation. If a former translator can lead Chelsea to
Premiership glory and ex-teacher Ged Houllier can lead Liverpool and
Lyon, then surely a certified sporting genius like HRHSCW deserves a
chance? If nothing else, it'd be a lot more entertaining than his
England World Cup-winning team ever were.

*********************

THE RUMOUR MILL

Usual suspects Chelsea, Internazionale, Boston United and Real Madrid
are all poised to trump Villarreal's GBP8m bid for 17-year-old
Independiente forward Sergio Aguero.

Steven Davis is ready to snub the MU Rowdies and suffer further
embarrassments at Aston Villa.

And Neil Warnock will celebrate staying at Sheffield United by
shelling out GBP2m on somersaulting Welsh Baggie Robert Earnshaw.

* * * * * * * * * * *

STILL WANT MORE?

"Twelve miles separate Newcastle and Sunderland, and just now they are
12 miles of misery" - what Niall Quinn did on his holidays in the
north east:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1656118,00.html

Small Talk swaps soft rock stories with Ipswich Town gaffer Joe Royle:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1656393,00.html

David Pleat argues that Chelsea's leaked scouting report of NUCC was
too detailed:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1656120,00.html

Our tipster James Dart assesses the weekend's best bet:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1655357,00.html

And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: Christian
O'Connell on when the Redknapps finally lost touch with the common
people; and David Lacey argues why we should celebrate this
generation's successors to George Best.

* * * * * * * * * * *

NEWS IN BRIEF

THFC wiseguy Martin Jol has denied falling out with
one-goal-in-14-games Jermain Defoe over the striker's appearance on
MTV show Goal! "He can do whatever he likes in his spare time,"
growled the Dutchman, as he pencilled Robbie Keane's name on to his
teamsheet for tomorrow's win against Sunderpants.

Torn knee ligaments mean Barcelona and Spain midfielder Xavi could
miss the rest of the season and the Deutsche Telekom Emirates
Weissbier Scorpions' Wind Of Change World Cup.

Last night's Italian Cup clash between Fiorentina and Juventus had to
be suspended for 20 minutes after tear gas, used to quell violent
clashes, drifted on to the pitch and left players vomiting.
Weekending-in-Florence Fiver-writer Sean Ingle was hoping to bring
his girlfriend to this match and the fact that it all kicked off
would suggest he got his hands on a couple of tickets.

And 1860 Munich forward Nemanja Vucicevic has been suspended for six
months after testing positive for the banned substance Finasteride.
The player blamed a hair growth product for his misfortune.

* * * * * * * * * *

FIVER LETTERS

"It's been six days since Thierry Henry broke a record. Is this a
record?" - Matt Shelton.

"Re: Wednesday's TV & Radio. I would like to apologise for submitting
the funeral anecdote that originated from Harry Hill's 'material'. I
honestly didn't know. In fact I don't even like Harry Hill" - David
Purvis.

"Re: yesterday's TV & Radio. I can't believe your correspondent Paul
Underwood 'beat a retreat' when the two mistresses turned up at the
funeral. I would have wanted to see how it panned out and ensured I
was in a position to offer sympathy to them, before enquiring if
there was a vacancy now that etc and so on" - Andy Turner.

"Congratulations to Al Elias on successfully passing off Marina Hyde's
Shearer's Elbow piece from yesterday's Guardian as his own and
managing to get it included in a football email issued by the same
paper's website" - Rod Gray (and many others).

"I find it rather sad that the Fiver takes time to big up a flutter on
Doncaster which paid off but is clearly muted (bitter) on a
spectacular loss due to Perrin's departure ahead of Souness" - Ken
Anderson.

"Re: news of an old Fiver favourite. On Wednesday night, I ventured
into a club called La Bolseria only to see Nightclub Patrick propping
up the bar with a number of flunkies. He spent the evening looking
smug and sipping colourful cocktails, and was still going strong when
I left at 4.30am" - Phil, Valencia.

"Does anyone else think that Charles N'Zogbia's mum was the Chelsea
scout mentioned in yesterday's Fiver. Who else could claim that he's
excellent?" - Jason Tagg.

According to the BBC, 'no glass bottles or alcohol are permitted' at
George Best's funeral tomorrow. I'm not sure he'd have approved" -
Richard Pigden.

Send your letters to [e-mail]. The best one each day
will win The Virgin Guide To Poker (casino.virgingames.com). Today's
winner, who also gets the last of our LMA Manager 2006 games
(codemasters.co.uk/lma2006): Richard Pigden.

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* * * * * * * * * * *

TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO

Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
"Acting as pallbearers at my grandmother's funeral, myself and three
cousins were slowly carrying her coffin down the aisle of a packed
church on our shoulders," writes Ken Ferrar, setting the scene for
today's tale of funereal mirth.

Live FA Cup Football - Mansfield Town v Grays Athletic (7.30pm)
"Halfway down the aisle, hushed, reverential atmosphere was suddenly
shattered by a very loud and shrill rendition of the James Bond theme
music coming from somebody's mobile phone.

Sky Sports 2: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (10pm)
"Actually, it was my mobile phone, which was in my left,
inside-jacket pocket.

Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (6pm)
"As my right hand and arm were around my cousin's shoulders and
weighed down by what felt like half a ton of oak casket, I was unable
to reach my phone and switch it off.

Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"After what seemed like an eternity, we finally made it to the altar
with me blushing crimson while pawing frantically and fruitlessly at
my left, inside-pocket with my left hand, my coffin-carrying cousins
and half the congregation choking with laughter, the priest and the
other half of the congregation making little effort to disguise their
annoyance ...

Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"... and an increasingly loud and shrill rendition of the James Bond
theme music still making a mockery of what was supposed to be a
sombre and sad occasion. I felt like opening the lid and climbing in
with my nan."

Newstalk 106FM (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy
(7pm)
At least that would have stopped people talking about your ringtone.
Has a funeral you attended descended into farce? Tell
[e-mail] in an email marked Then I Fell In The Hole.

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"YOU WILL RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!"

The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.