Post by Salem6 on Nov 4, 2005 17:09:09 GMT
The Fiver
04 November 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Spinmeister General; and Pongo Waring
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SIN AND SPIN
Like Sharon Stone's legs in Basic Instinct, the bonds between New
Labour and MU Rowdies are fairly widespread. Both wear red. Both love
big business. Both soared in popularity during the 1990s, but look
ideologically bankrupt today. Meanwhile, Tony Blair refers to his
spinmeister general Alastair Campbell as "Keano" in homage to a
certain feisty Irishman. Yes, that's the same Campbell who is best
buddies with Sir Alex, and recently praised him as "funny [and]
extraordinarily generous" - an appraisal the clubs who got top-dollar
for Juan Veron, Rio Ferdinand and Fabien Barthez would surely agree
with.
But it's in those darker arts of bullying, back-stabbing and spin that
New Labour United come into their own. So when Roy Keane dared to
speak his mind earlier this week, it seemed inevitable that United
would respond by spinning more furiously than a yo-yo with go-faster
stripes. And so it proved. This morning a 2003 video of Keane
attacking fans' favourite Ole Gunnar Solskjaer miraculously managed
to escape, Houdini-style, from under lock-and-key at the DevilDome
and into the papers. Then, this afternoon, Fergie waded in too. "You
don't criticise any of the Rowdies players outside the doors. I've
never done. I won't," he told reporters, breaking the habit of a
lifetime.
After bemoaning his lot, and the damage recent criticism has done to
United's young cherubs - bless - Ferguson finally set his sights on
Chelsea. A year ago, United biffed up Arsenal's 49-game unbeaten run,
and Fergie hopes they can do similar damage on Sunday. "There are
some similarities between the two games but this Chelsea side are
made of much sterner stuff," he sobbed, chucking Plan A - kick
everybody in a blue shirt - out of the window. "It is certainly not
going to be easy to beat them - but can we make them think for a bit?
I know we have the ability to do it - and I think everyone else does
too." Everyone in the Devil Dome and New Labour, perhaps, but surely
not anywhere else?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I have to say he has been a model professional and he has lived like
a monk to try to get back to full fitness" -Freddy Shepherd suggests
that a mixture of celibacy, 4am starts and hours spent Gregorian
chanting at Vespers may have contributed to Kieron Dyer's latest
setback.
*********************
NAMING AND SHAMING
Few names sit well alongside that of Pongo "The Gay Cavalier" Waring.
Peter Crouch's certainly doesn't. While Waring is remembered as one
of Aston Villa's greatest ever strikers (167 goals in 226 appearances
including a record 49 in 1930-31), Crouch is recalled with a wince,
with his Villa haul of six goals from 43 games putting him on a par
with fellow beanpole fiascos Tony Cascarino and Ian Ormondroyd.
Tomorrow, however, Crouch returns to Villa Park - and oh how times
have changed! For now he's the GBP7m spearhead of the reigning
European champions, with whom he boasts a strike-rate of ... zero
from 11 matches.
Still, dogged Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez is refusing to pee on his
costly lamp post. "It's been difficult for Peter. He has been playing
well but when you don't score people talk only of goals, goals,
goals," sobbed Benitez, conspicuously not steering the conversation
towards Crouch's league tally of assists, assists, assists - which
also stands at a nice, round nought. "Last season we lost a lot of
away games in the league, but Peter gives us a different style of
football in such matches," continued the Spaniard, whose side have
not won any away games in this season's league either.
Not that Villa can afford to be smug. They may be one of 17 sides
(including Sunderland!) to have scored more Premiership goals than
Liverpool this season, but they've four points less and, let's face
it, aren't very good. And, most crucially before Villans consider
jeering the Reds' lanky blank-shooter, Milan Baros may be about to
return from injury. Which means the man Villa gifted Liverpool
GBP6.5m for just three months ago could yet regale the away fans with
his extensive repertoire of Ways to Lose Possession and/or Miss the
Target Like A Pre-Toilet Trained Toddler.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Martin Jol reckons it will take a "mega-offer" to prise compatriot
Arjen Robben from the Special One's clutches, but is confident the
sulky Chelsea reserve will prefer life in Tottenham's ever-expanding
(yes you, Andy Reid) midfield army.
Southampton have joined Bongo FC and Everton in the race to sign
Halmstads striker Gunnar Heidar Thorvaldsson.
And having found great value for money in Albert Luque, NUCC will
return to Deportivo with an offer for Argentine Beckham-basher Aldo
Duscher.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
"As the question has grown over the past six days - is this the end of
an era at the Trafford DevilBowl? - I find myself answering: I hope
not" - Niall Quinn on why we should really hope for a turnaround at
the MU Rowdies:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1627353,00.html
Kevin McCarra on the last great strategic task of Ferguson's career
may be to plot a dignified retreat:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1627352,00.html
Our tipster James Dart picks out the best bets for this weekend:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1607728,00.html
Why not check out our shiny, new sports betting centre:
guardian.oddschecker.com/
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: David Pleat on
the Rowdies players that would get into the Chelsea side; and
Christian O'Connell praises the football club owners who feel they
can be as crazy as they want to be.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The organisers of August's Ferenc Puskas tribute game, Trendsport Ltd,
are to pay GBP56,000 into the ailing Hungarian legend's hospital
costs fund.
Boston United manager Steve Evans has slammed the decision not to
award him October's League Two manager of the month award. "It's a
shambolic decision," he fumed. "I don't give a damn about the award
anymore." Clearly not.
The England National Game XI squad has been named for their opening
European Challenge Trophy clash with Belgium on November 15: Ryan
Robinson (Morecambe), Paul Jones (Exeter), David Perkins (Morecambe),
Chris Blackburn (Morecambe), Tamika Mkandawire (Hereford), Kieran
Charnock (Northwich), Ronnie Henry (Stevenage), Carl Baker
(Southport), Tyrone Thompson (Halifax), Karl Murray (Woking), Sunday
League Pub Team Fiver (Fiver Towers), Ian Craney (Accrington), George
Boyd (Stevenage), Andrew Bishop (York), Daniel Carey-Bertram
(Hereford), Dennis Oli (Grays), Jamie Slabber (Grays).
And the Trust in Luton (TiL) group will launch a public petition in
support of getting the Hatters a new ground at tomorrow's home game
with Burnley. Sign the online petition
(http://www.petitiononline.com/ltfcmove/petition.html), visit
www.trustinluton.com/ or email Carrie Dunn
(carrie@trustinluton.com).
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Given Roy Keane's penchant for ranting and raving, isn't giving him a
TV slot called Roy Keane Plays The Pundit akin to giving Jermaine
Pennant the keys to a brewery and a Ferrari?" - Milan Pathak.
"Am I the only one who thinks the youth team game on MUTV which
replaced Roy Keane's diatribe has been unfairly overlooked?" -
Charlie Eccleshare.
"I think Mickey from EastEnders sat behind me at Highbury for the
Sparta game. He spent the entire game gabbing into his mobile phone
about money and nightclubs, left with 10 minutes to go and missed the
last two goals. Good" - Simon Thomas.
"Worst town in England? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Widnes.
Having lived there and in Luton, I can assure you that the latter is
a veritable paradise in comparison" - Peter Howard.
"Re: Nick Wilsons's assertion about Bracknell. It surely can't be the
worst town in England when you consider that students from Reading
are bussed there every week to go clubbing. Oh ..." - Jack Lee.
"Re: Mike Anning's Aussie-baiting (yesterday's Fiver). We're quite
content in our 'backward' country with beautiful weather, sane beef,
cold beer and a virtual hegemony on most (decent) sports. The fact
that most damp and cold British Isle inhabitants would sell their
mother to emigrate here doesn't appear to have sunk in" - Paul
Jurdeczka. [Oi! We're prepared to concede you have a hegemony on
Australian Rules football, but nothing else - Fiver Ed].
"Is Mike Anning a Brighton cabbie? He sounds suspiciously like the one
I had who wrote off the whole of France on the strength of a day trip
to Calais where he thought the locals were getting charged less for a
beer than him" - Ian Crossan.
"The Bolton Euro Vase game last night really got me thinking; this
whole Sun editor/Grant Mitchell thing's pretty funny, isn't it?" -
Matt Arnold.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best one published
each day will win a copy of Barney Ronay's top footie tome Any Chance
Of A Game? Today's winner: Charlie Eccleshare.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Check out the Guardian's guide to digital photography and download
exclusive Dixons vouchers for fantastic in-store savings at
www.guardian.co.uk/dixons
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: MU Rowdies Greatest Goals (8pm)
"FA Cup, Coventry City away at Northampton Town in 1989-90," writes
Keith Roberts, leaving no stone unturned in his bid to let us know
where and when his away trip nightmare unfolded.
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
"I couldn't find anywhere to park, missed the first five minutes, it
poured rain and I was standing at the top of an uncovered terrace
getting soaked through."
Live FA Cup Football - Merthyr Tydfil v Walsall (7.30pm)
Uncovered terrace in the pouring rain?
Sky Sports 2: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (1.30am)
Luxury!
British Eurosport: Big Cup (8.30pm)
"As if that wasn't bad enough, the guy next to me suddenly slumped to
the ground and got sick all over my shoes, prompting the police to
move in and haul him out.
Top 24 Clubs [This could be about golf or l*p-dancing for all we know
- Fiver Ed] (10pm)
"City lost 1-0 (like losing 5-0 to a proper team) on a quagmire of a
pitch that reduced Northampton to playing like ... well, Coventry.
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (6pm)
"It was almost as bad as the time I left Bramall Lane after seeing
City lose on penalties in the sixth round. I returned to my car to
find the windows smashed and the stereo stolen.
Setanta: The Hub (7pm)
"With no way of fixing the window at that time of night, I drove the
100 miles back home down the M1 with just the whistling of a freezing
gale-force wind to keep me entertained."
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
Still, it beats listening to Spoony talking cobblers on 606.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"It's not easy supporting Coventry City."
Newstalk 106FM (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy
(7pm)
Is travelling to follow the Sky Blues a doddle compared to what you
endure? Let us know at the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark your mail
"Budapest? I'm sure you said book flights to Bucharest"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NOEL EDMONDS' HEAD IN A BAG
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle and Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited
(c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and
Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
04 November 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Spinmeister General; and Pongo Waring
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SIN AND SPIN
Like Sharon Stone's legs in Basic Instinct, the bonds between New
Labour and MU Rowdies are fairly widespread. Both wear red. Both love
big business. Both soared in popularity during the 1990s, but look
ideologically bankrupt today. Meanwhile, Tony Blair refers to his
spinmeister general Alastair Campbell as "Keano" in homage to a
certain feisty Irishman. Yes, that's the same Campbell who is best
buddies with Sir Alex, and recently praised him as "funny [and]
extraordinarily generous" - an appraisal the clubs who got top-dollar
for Juan Veron, Rio Ferdinand and Fabien Barthez would surely agree
with.
But it's in those darker arts of bullying, back-stabbing and spin that
New Labour United come into their own. So when Roy Keane dared to
speak his mind earlier this week, it seemed inevitable that United
would respond by spinning more furiously than a yo-yo with go-faster
stripes. And so it proved. This morning a 2003 video of Keane
attacking fans' favourite Ole Gunnar Solskjaer miraculously managed
to escape, Houdini-style, from under lock-and-key at the DevilDome
and into the papers. Then, this afternoon, Fergie waded in too. "You
don't criticise any of the Rowdies players outside the doors. I've
never done. I won't," he told reporters, breaking the habit of a
lifetime.
After bemoaning his lot, and the damage recent criticism has done to
United's young cherubs - bless - Ferguson finally set his sights on
Chelsea. A year ago, United biffed up Arsenal's 49-game unbeaten run,
and Fergie hopes they can do similar damage on Sunday. "There are
some similarities between the two games but this Chelsea side are
made of much sterner stuff," he sobbed, chucking Plan A - kick
everybody in a blue shirt - out of the window. "It is certainly not
going to be easy to beat them - but can we make them think for a bit?
I know we have the ability to do it - and I think everyone else does
too." Everyone in the Devil Dome and New Labour, perhaps, but surely
not anywhere else?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I have to say he has been a model professional and he has lived like
a monk to try to get back to full fitness" -Freddy Shepherd suggests
that a mixture of celibacy, 4am starts and hours spent Gregorian
chanting at Vespers may have contributed to Kieron Dyer's latest
setback.
*********************
NAMING AND SHAMING
Few names sit well alongside that of Pongo "The Gay Cavalier" Waring.
Peter Crouch's certainly doesn't. While Waring is remembered as one
of Aston Villa's greatest ever strikers (167 goals in 226 appearances
including a record 49 in 1930-31), Crouch is recalled with a wince,
with his Villa haul of six goals from 43 games putting him on a par
with fellow beanpole fiascos Tony Cascarino and Ian Ormondroyd.
Tomorrow, however, Crouch returns to Villa Park - and oh how times
have changed! For now he's the GBP7m spearhead of the reigning
European champions, with whom he boasts a strike-rate of ... zero
from 11 matches.
Still, dogged Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez is refusing to pee on his
costly lamp post. "It's been difficult for Peter. He has been playing
well but when you don't score people talk only of goals, goals,
goals," sobbed Benitez, conspicuously not steering the conversation
towards Crouch's league tally of assists, assists, assists - which
also stands at a nice, round nought. "Last season we lost a lot of
away games in the league, but Peter gives us a different style of
football in such matches," continued the Spaniard, whose side have
not won any away games in this season's league either.
Not that Villa can afford to be smug. They may be one of 17 sides
(including Sunderland!) to have scored more Premiership goals than
Liverpool this season, but they've four points less and, let's face
it, aren't very good. And, most crucially before Villans consider
jeering the Reds' lanky blank-shooter, Milan Baros may be about to
return from injury. Which means the man Villa gifted Liverpool
GBP6.5m for just three months ago could yet regale the away fans with
his extensive repertoire of Ways to Lose Possession and/or Miss the
Target Like A Pre-Toilet Trained Toddler.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Martin Jol reckons it will take a "mega-offer" to prise compatriot
Arjen Robben from the Special One's clutches, but is confident the
sulky Chelsea reserve will prefer life in Tottenham's ever-expanding
(yes you, Andy Reid) midfield army.
Southampton have joined Bongo FC and Everton in the race to sign
Halmstads striker Gunnar Heidar Thorvaldsson.
And having found great value for money in Albert Luque, NUCC will
return to Deportivo with an offer for Argentine Beckham-basher Aldo
Duscher.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
"As the question has grown over the past six days - is this the end of
an era at the Trafford DevilBowl? - I find myself answering: I hope
not" - Niall Quinn on why we should really hope for a turnaround at
the MU Rowdies:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1627353,00.html
Kevin McCarra on the last great strategic task of Ferguson's career
may be to plot a dignified retreat:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1627352,00.html
Our tipster James Dart picks out the best bets for this weekend:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1607728,00.html
Why not check out our shiny, new sports betting centre:
guardian.oddschecker.com/
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: David Pleat on
the Rowdies players that would get into the Chelsea side; and
Christian O'Connell praises the football club owners who feel they
can be as crazy as they want to be.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The organisers of August's Ferenc Puskas tribute game, Trendsport Ltd,
are to pay GBP56,000 into the ailing Hungarian legend's hospital
costs fund.
Boston United manager Steve Evans has slammed the decision not to
award him October's League Two manager of the month award. "It's a
shambolic decision," he fumed. "I don't give a damn about the award
anymore." Clearly not.
The England National Game XI squad has been named for their opening
European Challenge Trophy clash with Belgium on November 15: Ryan
Robinson (Morecambe), Paul Jones (Exeter), David Perkins (Morecambe),
Chris Blackburn (Morecambe), Tamika Mkandawire (Hereford), Kieran
Charnock (Northwich), Ronnie Henry (Stevenage), Carl Baker
(Southport), Tyrone Thompson (Halifax), Karl Murray (Woking), Sunday
League Pub Team Fiver (Fiver Towers), Ian Craney (Accrington), George
Boyd (Stevenage), Andrew Bishop (York), Daniel Carey-Bertram
(Hereford), Dennis Oli (Grays), Jamie Slabber (Grays).
And the Trust in Luton (TiL) group will launch a public petition in
support of getting the Hatters a new ground at tomorrow's home game
with Burnley. Sign the online petition
(http://www.petitiononline.com/ltfcmove/petition.html), visit
www.trustinluton.com/ or email Carrie Dunn
(carrie@trustinluton.com).
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Given Roy Keane's penchant for ranting and raving, isn't giving him a
TV slot called Roy Keane Plays The Pundit akin to giving Jermaine
Pennant the keys to a brewery and a Ferrari?" - Milan Pathak.
"Am I the only one who thinks the youth team game on MUTV which
replaced Roy Keane's diatribe has been unfairly overlooked?" -
Charlie Eccleshare.
"I think Mickey from EastEnders sat behind me at Highbury for the
Sparta game. He spent the entire game gabbing into his mobile phone
about money and nightclubs, left with 10 minutes to go and missed the
last two goals. Good" - Simon Thomas.
"Worst town in England? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Widnes.
Having lived there and in Luton, I can assure you that the latter is
a veritable paradise in comparison" - Peter Howard.
"Re: Nick Wilsons's assertion about Bracknell. It surely can't be the
worst town in England when you consider that students from Reading
are bussed there every week to go clubbing. Oh ..." - Jack Lee.
"Re: Mike Anning's Aussie-baiting (yesterday's Fiver). We're quite
content in our 'backward' country with beautiful weather, sane beef,
cold beer and a virtual hegemony on most (decent) sports. The fact
that most damp and cold British Isle inhabitants would sell their
mother to emigrate here doesn't appear to have sunk in" - Paul
Jurdeczka. [Oi! We're prepared to concede you have a hegemony on
Australian Rules football, but nothing else - Fiver Ed].
"Is Mike Anning a Brighton cabbie? He sounds suspiciously like the one
I had who wrote off the whole of France on the strength of a day trip
to Calais where he thought the locals were getting charged less for a
beer than him" - Ian Crossan.
"The Bolton Euro Vase game last night really got me thinking; this
whole Sun editor/Grant Mitchell thing's pretty funny, isn't it?" -
Matt Arnold.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best one published
each day will win a copy of Barney Ronay's top footie tome Any Chance
Of A Game? Today's winner: Charlie Eccleshare.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Check out the Guardian's guide to digital photography and download
exclusive Dixons vouchers for fantastic in-store savings at
www.guardian.co.uk/dixons
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: MU Rowdies Greatest Goals (8pm)
"FA Cup, Coventry City away at Northampton Town in 1989-90," writes
Keith Roberts, leaving no stone unturned in his bid to let us know
where and when his away trip nightmare unfolded.
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
"I couldn't find anywhere to park, missed the first five minutes, it
poured rain and I was standing at the top of an uncovered terrace
getting soaked through."
Live FA Cup Football - Merthyr Tydfil v Walsall (7.30pm)
Uncovered terrace in the pouring rain?
Sky Sports 2: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (1.30am)
Luxury!
British Eurosport: Big Cup (8.30pm)
"As if that wasn't bad enough, the guy next to me suddenly slumped to
the ground and got sick all over my shoes, prompting the police to
move in and haul him out.
Top 24 Clubs [This could be about golf or l*p-dancing for all we know
- Fiver Ed] (10pm)
"City lost 1-0 (like losing 5-0 to a proper team) on a quagmire of a
pitch that reduced Northampton to playing like ... well, Coventry.
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (6pm)
"It was almost as bad as the time I left Bramall Lane after seeing
City lose on penalties in the sixth round. I returned to my car to
find the windows smashed and the stereo stolen.
Setanta: The Hub (7pm)
"With no way of fixing the window at that time of night, I drove the
100 miles back home down the M1 with just the whistling of a freezing
gale-force wind to keep me entertained."
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
Still, it beats listening to Spoony talking cobblers on 606.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"It's not easy supporting Coventry City."
Newstalk 106FM (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy
(7pm)
Is travelling to follow the Sky Blues a doddle compared to what you
endure? Let us know at the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark your mail
"Budapest? I'm sure you said book flights to Bucharest"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NOEL EDMONDS' HEAD IN A BAG
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle and Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited
(c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and
Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.