Post by Salem6 on Oct 21, 2005 16:40:19 GMT
The Fiver
21 October 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Soprano
and Jail Bird
* * * * * * * * * * * *
MARTIN O'JOL
Every year without fail, Arsenal fans raucously celebrate Saint
Totteringham's Day - the day in the season on which it becomes
mathematically impossible for Tottenham to catch Arsenal in the
league. And though THFC sit in second, after making their best ever
Premiership start, the only thing Sopranos boss Martin Jol is
targeting is a postponement of that shameful day - and, possibly, a
Euro Vase berth.
"The top four is not a realistic aim," Jol gruffed today, firing a
cold water-cannon at deluded THFC fans. "Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea
and the MU Galaxy are all ahead of us," he continued, clearly looking
at last year's league table. Mind you, considering he'd have to go
back to 1994-95 to find a table in which Tottenham even made the top
seven, perhaps he's right to be cautious. If cautious is a word you
can use to describe someone who has bought 13 players in less than a
year.
More ambitious THFC fans would argue that with Arsenal rudderless,
Liverpool clueless and the Glazerbucks missing more staff than Fiver
HQ on a Monday morning, there's no reason why their team can't sneak
into Big Cup this season. Jol, however, doesn't agree. "The big four
all have bigger players than us and are used to playing European
football," persisted Jol, slowly morphing into David 'they're only
babies' O'Leary. "We only have three players who've ever played
European football" [Eh? What about Keane, Davids, Robinson, Jenas,
Carrick, Young-pyo, Mendes and Stalteri - Fiver Ed].
Despite Jol's pessimism, there's no denying THFC are in form. And
with tomorrow's opponents stripped of Ryan Giggs, Roy Keane, Gary
Neville, Wes Brown, Gabriel Heinze, Louis Saha and Kieran Richardson
- who hobbled off the treatment table today for long enough to sign a
new four-year contract - surely the chances of Jol's juniors nicking
three points at the Devilbowl are better than the bookies suggest?
Stick on a Friday fiver at 6-1, suggests the Fiver.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I can see myself returning as a head coach, definitely. If Steve
McClaren should leave Middlesbrough, they may call me. And if someone
calls me who I admire, to be his assistant, I will always think about
that. Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger, willingly..." - having cut his
teeth with a record of 12 wins from 53 games in charge of Wycombe,
Tony Adams reckons he's ready for the big time.
*********************
BYE GEORGE!
He's done time for safe-cracking, featured prominently on the Sunday
Times Rich List, borrowed cups of sugar from next-door neighbours the
Spice Girls, paraded Faustino Asprilla as a new Darlington signing
and pumped money into the Reynolds Arena - a League Two stadium with
marble toilets, gold-plated taps and lifts to take fans to their
seats. He's the Fiver's kind of guy and he is George Reynolds, the
self-proclaimed "managing director, chairman, gentleman,
entrepreneur, adventurer, maker of money and utter genius" who was
today sent down for three years after admitting to cheating the
taxman out of GBP424,252.50.
"I accept you are a ruined man living in much-reduced circumstances.
Before your involvement with your football club, you had all the
trappings of a multi-millionaire," Judge Guy Whitburn QC told the
69-year-old, who bought Darlington for GBP800,000 in 1999 and spent
GBP27m trying to make them as mediocre as neighbours Middlesbrough.
Sadly for Reynolds, his dream went pear-shaped last year when the
Quakers went into liquidation and he quit as chairman.
During the ensuing legal wrangle, George drove to a small Co-operative
Bank branch in Shildon and withdrew GBP500,000 in cash. Cue a police
chase and investigation by the Inland Revenue, who discovered that
Reynolds, who claimed his only source of income was an old-age
pension, owed them money. Lots of money, a fact Reynolds was forced
to concede. "We are to some extent operating in the world of the
unreal," declared David Robson QC for Reynolds, who argued that it
should have been obvious to anyone, including the Inland Revenue,
that his client was earning far more than a pension.
Arriving at Newcastle Crown Court this morning, Reynolds declared that
he was not worried at the prospect of a jail sentence. "I've nothing
to be nervous about, it's been a witch hunt from day one," he
declared. "I've paid all the money back so I do not see what they
have got to complain about." But complain "they" did. And the most
ironic thing about the whole sorry jamboree? According to his brief,
George Reynolds "doesn't have the slightest interest" in football.
D'oh!
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Sir Alex has long harboured a quiet regard for Deportivo's
Beckham-crocker Aldo Duscher, and hopes GBP10m will bring him to the
Glazerdome.
Arsene Wenger is lining up a replacement for Patrick Vieira - step
forward GBP3m-rated Villarreal midfielder Marcos Senna.
And with Gary Cahill injured, Aston Villa have Robert Huth's number on
speed dial again.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
"I had to sign the underwear of the entire Tampa Bay Rowdies
cheerleading group - 12 girls in total and, of course, I had to sign
the knickers while they were wearing them" - Rodney Marsh gets Small
Talk in a lather:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1596859,00.html
Our tipster James Dart picks out the value bets this weekend:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1596518,00.html
Niall Quinn wades through a morass corruption in Brazilian football:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1597269,00.html
Keep your Ian Holloway Gallery entries coming for the chance to win
GBP100: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1595789,00.html
Guardian Unlimited's book on the Ashes, Is It Cowardly To Pray For
Rain? is yours for just GBP7.99!
www.guardianbookshop.co.uk/BerteShopWeb/viewProduct.do?ISBN=034911983X
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: Newcastle
goalkeeper Shay Given on Sunday's crucial derby; and Lions captain
Brian O'Driscoll speaks exclusively about Woodward, Henson and spear
tackles.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Tabloid Wayne has been offered lessons in how to keep his head by...
Mike Tyson. "I'd like to meet Wayne Rooney. I've been watching him
and he's been having some trouble with his behaviour on the pitch,"
said Iron Mike.
Cristiano Ronaldo will play against Tottenham tomorrow, despite being
on bail as police investigate an allegation of r&pe. "He's had a
difficult time, obviously, but he trained yesterday and will train
today so he will be OK," said Sir Alex Ferguson.
Roy Carroll has been ruled out for a month after injuring his knee in
training. The West Ham keeper was retrieving balls from a goal when
he got his foot caught in the net. And he'd only come in for extra
practice on his day off.
And Sheffield Wednesday have had another bid for a striker rejected -
Swansea have turned down a GBP750,000 approach for Lee Trundle.
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Now that Djibril Cisse has admitted assaulting a 15-year-old boy that
insulted him, will Lord Ferg try to buy him to fill the Roy Keane
role?" - Matt Scanlin.
"I take no pride whatsoever in knowing this, but Fiver was the name of
one of the main carrot-scoffers in Watership Down. I assume this
explains your recent rabbit obsession" - Chris Miller.
"I was appalled by Niall MacKinnon's cunicular confession yesterday. I
cannot believe that he buried the freshly killed bunny. A simple
'rabbit recipes' search on Google turns up over 2.5m mouth-watering
results" - Bappa Dasgupta.
"Frank Lampard winning a poll conducted on behalf of Tesco? That
wouldn't be the same Frank Lampard currently starring in an advert
for Tesco, would it?" - Leon Wilson.
"Did anyone else notice the graph at the bottom of the website which
Ian Thomson mentioned yesterday?
[http://www.sliceoftheday.com/danica_mckellar - Fiver Ed]. After
months of gradual decline, one mention in The Fiver rockets The
Wonder Years star and maths whiz Danica McKellar up 268 places to
become the most viewed Slice Of The Day. Well done Fiver-readers" -
Gareth Williams. [Imagine what we could achieve if we channelled our
energies into doing evil - Fiver Ed].
"Tomorrow, for the first time this season, Arsenal kick off at
Highbury at 3pm on a Saturday. Sky's 138 live Premiership games a
season? Too many" - Ian Castle.
"Re: George Weah's victory in the first round of elections in Liberia.
Can anyone tell me if any other footballer has ever been entrusted
with the responsibilities of sovereign authority? Kieron Dyer for
Chancellor of the Exchequer, anyone?" - Andrew Bickmore.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. After today, the best
letter of the day will no longer win a classy T-shirt from
www.goalhanger.com. Today's winner: Gareth Williams.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: The Boys From Brazil (9pm)
"One Christmas I was working for a very tight company who ludicrously
underpaid their staff," writes Graeme Kerton, kicking off the first
of your gripes and grumbles about rubbish rewards for jobs well done.
Sky Sports 1: Live Football League: Leeds United v Sheffield United
(7.30pm)
"We were handed Christmas cards from the company with a definite lump
in them," he continues.
Sky Sports 2: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (1am)
Yippee!
Premier League Preview (2am)
"There was hope that they'd maybe had a guilty conscience and were
rewarding us with a few seasonal notes or suchlike," Graeme recalls.
British Eurosport: Big Cup (7.30pm)
"We all opened our cards and out fell company-branded 80s credit
card-sized calculators."
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
To help you count your blessings, eh?
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"Almost all were destroyed on the spot."
Newstalk 106FM (www.newstalk106.ie) : Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy
(7pm)
Proving there isn't safety in numbers after all? Is your boss a
tightwad when it comes to dishing out the treats? Let us know at
the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark your email: My Boss Is A Tightwad
When It Etc And So On.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ERIC STOLTZ IN MASK 20 YEARS AGO = FRANK SKINNER TODAY
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
21 October 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Soprano
and Jail Bird
* * * * * * * * * * * *
MARTIN O'JOL
Every year without fail, Arsenal fans raucously celebrate Saint
Totteringham's Day - the day in the season on which it becomes
mathematically impossible for Tottenham to catch Arsenal in the
league. And though THFC sit in second, after making their best ever
Premiership start, the only thing Sopranos boss Martin Jol is
targeting is a postponement of that shameful day - and, possibly, a
Euro Vase berth.
"The top four is not a realistic aim," Jol gruffed today, firing a
cold water-cannon at deluded THFC fans. "Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea
and the MU Galaxy are all ahead of us," he continued, clearly looking
at last year's league table. Mind you, considering he'd have to go
back to 1994-95 to find a table in which Tottenham even made the top
seven, perhaps he's right to be cautious. If cautious is a word you
can use to describe someone who has bought 13 players in less than a
year.
More ambitious THFC fans would argue that with Arsenal rudderless,
Liverpool clueless and the Glazerbucks missing more staff than Fiver
HQ on a Monday morning, there's no reason why their team can't sneak
into Big Cup this season. Jol, however, doesn't agree. "The big four
all have bigger players than us and are used to playing European
football," persisted Jol, slowly morphing into David 'they're only
babies' O'Leary. "We only have three players who've ever played
European football" [Eh? What about Keane, Davids, Robinson, Jenas,
Carrick, Young-pyo, Mendes and Stalteri - Fiver Ed].
Despite Jol's pessimism, there's no denying THFC are in form. And
with tomorrow's opponents stripped of Ryan Giggs, Roy Keane, Gary
Neville, Wes Brown, Gabriel Heinze, Louis Saha and Kieran Richardson
- who hobbled off the treatment table today for long enough to sign a
new four-year contract - surely the chances of Jol's juniors nicking
three points at the Devilbowl are better than the bookies suggest?
Stick on a Friday fiver at 6-1, suggests the Fiver.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I can see myself returning as a head coach, definitely. If Steve
McClaren should leave Middlesbrough, they may call me. And if someone
calls me who I admire, to be his assistant, I will always think about
that. Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger, willingly..." - having cut his
teeth with a record of 12 wins from 53 games in charge of Wycombe,
Tony Adams reckons he's ready for the big time.
*********************
BYE GEORGE!
He's done time for safe-cracking, featured prominently on the Sunday
Times Rich List, borrowed cups of sugar from next-door neighbours the
Spice Girls, paraded Faustino Asprilla as a new Darlington signing
and pumped money into the Reynolds Arena - a League Two stadium with
marble toilets, gold-plated taps and lifts to take fans to their
seats. He's the Fiver's kind of guy and he is George Reynolds, the
self-proclaimed "managing director, chairman, gentleman,
entrepreneur, adventurer, maker of money and utter genius" who was
today sent down for three years after admitting to cheating the
taxman out of GBP424,252.50.
"I accept you are a ruined man living in much-reduced circumstances.
Before your involvement with your football club, you had all the
trappings of a multi-millionaire," Judge Guy Whitburn QC told the
69-year-old, who bought Darlington for GBP800,000 in 1999 and spent
GBP27m trying to make them as mediocre as neighbours Middlesbrough.
Sadly for Reynolds, his dream went pear-shaped last year when the
Quakers went into liquidation and he quit as chairman.
During the ensuing legal wrangle, George drove to a small Co-operative
Bank branch in Shildon and withdrew GBP500,000 in cash. Cue a police
chase and investigation by the Inland Revenue, who discovered that
Reynolds, who claimed his only source of income was an old-age
pension, owed them money. Lots of money, a fact Reynolds was forced
to concede. "We are to some extent operating in the world of the
unreal," declared David Robson QC for Reynolds, who argued that it
should have been obvious to anyone, including the Inland Revenue,
that his client was earning far more than a pension.
Arriving at Newcastle Crown Court this morning, Reynolds declared that
he was not worried at the prospect of a jail sentence. "I've nothing
to be nervous about, it's been a witch hunt from day one," he
declared. "I've paid all the money back so I do not see what they
have got to complain about." But complain "they" did. And the most
ironic thing about the whole sorry jamboree? According to his brief,
George Reynolds "doesn't have the slightest interest" in football.
D'oh!
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Sir Alex has long harboured a quiet regard for Deportivo's
Beckham-crocker Aldo Duscher, and hopes GBP10m will bring him to the
Glazerdome.
Arsene Wenger is lining up a replacement for Patrick Vieira - step
forward GBP3m-rated Villarreal midfielder Marcos Senna.
And with Gary Cahill injured, Aston Villa have Robert Huth's number on
speed dial again.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
"I had to sign the underwear of the entire Tampa Bay Rowdies
cheerleading group - 12 girls in total and, of course, I had to sign
the knickers while they were wearing them" - Rodney Marsh gets Small
Talk in a lather:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1596859,00.html
Our tipster James Dart picks out the value bets this weekend:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1596518,00.html
Niall Quinn wades through a morass corruption in Brazilian football:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1597269,00.html
Keep your Ian Holloway Gallery entries coming for the chance to win
GBP100: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1595789,00.html
Guardian Unlimited's book on the Ashes, Is It Cowardly To Pray For
Rain? is yours for just GBP7.99!
www.guardianbookshop.co.uk/BerteShopWeb/viewProduct.do?ISBN=034911983X
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: Newcastle
goalkeeper Shay Given on Sunday's crucial derby; and Lions captain
Brian O'Driscoll speaks exclusively about Woodward, Henson and spear
tackles.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Tabloid Wayne has been offered lessons in how to keep his head by...
Mike Tyson. "I'd like to meet Wayne Rooney. I've been watching him
and he's been having some trouble with his behaviour on the pitch,"
said Iron Mike.
Cristiano Ronaldo will play against Tottenham tomorrow, despite being
on bail as police investigate an allegation of r&pe. "He's had a
difficult time, obviously, but he trained yesterday and will train
today so he will be OK," said Sir Alex Ferguson.
Roy Carroll has been ruled out for a month after injuring his knee in
training. The West Ham keeper was retrieving balls from a goal when
he got his foot caught in the net. And he'd only come in for extra
practice on his day off.
And Sheffield Wednesday have had another bid for a striker rejected -
Swansea have turned down a GBP750,000 approach for Lee Trundle.
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Now that Djibril Cisse has admitted assaulting a 15-year-old boy that
insulted him, will Lord Ferg try to buy him to fill the Roy Keane
role?" - Matt Scanlin.
"I take no pride whatsoever in knowing this, but Fiver was the name of
one of the main carrot-scoffers in Watership Down. I assume this
explains your recent rabbit obsession" - Chris Miller.
"I was appalled by Niall MacKinnon's cunicular confession yesterday. I
cannot believe that he buried the freshly killed bunny. A simple
'rabbit recipes' search on Google turns up over 2.5m mouth-watering
results" - Bappa Dasgupta.
"Frank Lampard winning a poll conducted on behalf of Tesco? That
wouldn't be the same Frank Lampard currently starring in an advert
for Tesco, would it?" - Leon Wilson.
"Did anyone else notice the graph at the bottom of the website which
Ian Thomson mentioned yesterday?
[http://www.sliceoftheday.com/danica_mckellar - Fiver Ed]. After
months of gradual decline, one mention in The Fiver rockets The
Wonder Years star and maths whiz Danica McKellar up 268 places to
become the most viewed Slice Of The Day. Well done Fiver-readers" -
Gareth Williams. [Imagine what we could achieve if we channelled our
energies into doing evil - Fiver Ed].
"Tomorrow, for the first time this season, Arsenal kick off at
Highbury at 3pm on a Saturday. Sky's 138 live Premiership games a
season? Too many" - Ian Castle.
"Re: George Weah's victory in the first round of elections in Liberia.
Can anyone tell me if any other footballer has ever been entrusted
with the responsibilities of sovereign authority? Kieron Dyer for
Chancellor of the Exchequer, anyone?" - Andrew Bickmore.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. After today, the best
letter of the day will no longer win a classy T-shirt from
www.goalhanger.com. Today's winner: Gareth Williams.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: The Boys From Brazil (9pm)
"One Christmas I was working for a very tight company who ludicrously
underpaid their staff," writes Graeme Kerton, kicking off the first
of your gripes and grumbles about rubbish rewards for jobs well done.
Sky Sports 1: Live Football League: Leeds United v Sheffield United
(7.30pm)
"We were handed Christmas cards from the company with a definite lump
in them," he continues.
Sky Sports 2: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (1am)
Yippee!
Premier League Preview (2am)
"There was hope that they'd maybe had a guilty conscience and were
rewarding us with a few seasonal notes or suchlike," Graeme recalls.
British Eurosport: Big Cup (7.30pm)
"We all opened our cards and out fell company-branded 80s credit
card-sized calculators."
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
To help you count your blessings, eh?
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"Almost all were destroyed on the spot."
Newstalk 106FM (www.newstalk106.ie) : Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy
(7pm)
Proving there isn't safety in numbers after all? Is your boss a
tightwad when it comes to dishing out the treats? Let us know at
the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark your email: My Boss Is A Tightwad
When It Etc And So On.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ERIC STOLTZ IN MASK 20 YEARS AGO = FRANK SKINNER TODAY
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.