Post by Salem6 on Oct 19, 2005 16:57:33 GMT
The Fiver
19 October 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Redcurrant Pimpernel; and White-Knuckle Ride
****************************
BREAKING NEWS
Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo was today arrested and is
being questioned by detectives on suspicion of r*pe. The 20-year-old
Portugal international went voluntarily to a police station in London
to speak to police investigating an allegation made by a woman.
She claims she was seriously assaulted in a penthouse suite at the
Sanderson Hotel in central London on October 2. The player is
expected to emphatically deny any wrongdoing. A spokesman for
Manchester United said the club was not releasing a statement about
Ronaldo's arrest. Director of communications Phil Townsend said:
"We're not commenting at the moment."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
HOORAY HENRY
There's a theory about Thierry Henry: you can seek him here, you can
seek him there, but in big games you won't find Arsenal's scarlet (or
should that be redcurrant?) pimpernel anywhere. Such tosh is
generally spouted by fans of the MU Devildolphins, who really should
know better given that the Frenchman averages a goal every two games
against them - a better record than the Rowdyburns' own French
legend, Eric Cantona, ever managed against the Gunners.
He's also put 10 past Chelsea, seven past Liverpool, nabbed a Big Cup
hat-trick away to Roma, a brace at Inter (what did Cantona ever do in
Big Cup?), and scored in triumphant European Championship and World
Cup campaigns (you still reading, Eric?). So, in the wake of Henry
passing Ian Wright's goal-scoring record for Arsenal last night, it
is perhaps time for even the most jaundiced naysayers to hail Henry
for what he is: one of the greatest players of his generation. Hell,
even the normally reserved Ian Wright-Wright-Wright has found it
within himself to be magnanimous.
"It couldn't happen to a nicer fella," he yahooed today, waving his
trademark pom-poms. "He is a footballing person. It would be
different if it was someone you didn't like and he was a horrible
person," added the quiz and chat show host many right-thinking people
can't stand. "He deserves it, he is a fantastic player," continued
Wrighty, clearly enjoying being on TV again. "He has won everything,
apart from Big Cup, which I am praying he can do."
All Arsenal fans are praying for the same thing and the club's
mandarins are down on their flannel-clad knees pleading with Henry to
sign a new contract to make it all come true. But though Henry also
dreams of Big Cup glory, he's said to be increasingly dubious of
finding it at penny-pinching Arsenal: "It's really important to
concentrate on this season and see what happens," he teased. "I will
discuss a new contract at the end of the season." Of course the Fiver
also hopes Arsenal win Big Cup this year. Not because we want Henry
to stay, but so we can see the expression on Patrick Vieira's face.
Vote now in our sports referendum: was Ian Wright better than Thierry
Henry?
football.guardian.co.uk/poll/0,12370,1595800,00.html#ballot
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We have now conceded seven goals in two games. It gets the alarm
bells ringing in terms of things not being right. Players' confidence
can turn very quickly as we saw only too clearly last season when we
went on a losing run" - Media tart Sam Allardyce (51 today - happy
birthday) can't bear to be out of the news, even if it means cooking
up a non-existent crisis at his own club.
*********************
OUT OF TOON
The Fiver likes to imagine Graeme Souness's managerial reign at
Newcastle United Comedy Club as a rickety, out-of-control
rollercoaster, flying around every bend of a white-knuckle ride with
the control of a Titus Bramble backpass. We all know it's going to
crash, it's just a matter of when. The Fiver, having punted a
significant sum on Souness to be the first Premiership boss to be
fired, wouldn't be averse to it happening on Sunday, when Sunderland
are in Toon. And for "wouldn't be averse" read "will be performing
backflips down Farringdon Road, loudly crying 'ker-ching!'."
The likelihood is, of course, that NUCC will win on Sunday and the
Fiver will move even closer to the poor house. Saying that, the news
from St James' isn't good. For them. In the past 24 hours, Souness's
players have started dropping like Hollywood wannabes on the casting
couch [Didn't you use this last week? - Fiver Ed]: Michael Owen
limped out of a practice match with a hamstring strain during a
kickabout designed, ironically, to help Nobby Solano and Emre get
back to full fitness, while No2 keeper Steve Harper and defender
Craig Moore have also picked up knocks.
Nevertheless, Souness can't wait for Sunday's crunchfest. "I've played
in derbies in Liverpool and Glasgow, and managed in them as well.
Rangers v Celtic is special, as is the Merseyside derby and
Galatasaray against Fenerbahce," he growled to the Newky Evening
Chronicle. "I'm sure Newcastle v Sunderland will be up there with the
best of them. It's another one to tick off, and I'll be doing
everything to make sure we win. I'm really looking forward to this
one." Not as much as the Fiver is, Graeme.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Got a few pennies in your pocket? Well, Guardian Unlimited's book on
the Ashes, Is It Cowardly To Pray For Rain? is yours for just
GBP7.99!
www.guardianbookshop.co.uk/BerteShopWeb/viewProduct.do?ISBN=034911983X
Follow Chelsea v Real Betis live from 7.30pm with Georgina Turner:
football.guardian.co.uk/news/matchreport/0,9752,1595811,00.html
Follow Anderlecht v Liverpool live from 7.30pm with Barry Glendenning:
football.guardian.co.uk/news/matchreport/0,9752,1595814,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Michael Ballack has concluded make-or-break talks with Bayern Munich
over a new deal by plumping for the third option: waiting another
four to six weeks to make his decision.
Having decided that three's a crowd, Juventus have pushed in front of
Chelsea and Liverpool in the queue for Anderlecht defender Vincent
Kompany's services.
And Andrew Cole could be explaining the subtleties of his name to
Australian journalists on a regular basis, if Queensland Roar can
tempt him to swap Man City for the A-League.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
The Knowledge discovers the most bookable acts of sarcasm ever:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1594901,00.html
David Conn lifts the lid on boardroom intrigue at Loftus Road:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1595541,00.html
The big debate: is football doing enough to attract the Asian
community?
football.guardian.co.uk/blueprint/story/0,16454,1595528,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP0.60 Berliner theguardian: read day two of
our exclusive extracts from Duncan Fletcher's Ashes diary; and rugby
league executive chairman Richard Lewis answers your questions.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Stumbling to the top of their World Cup qualifying group has lifted
England to ninth in Fifa's latest rankings. The Republic of Ireland
remain 21st, Scotland jumped to 62nd from 74th, and Wales rose to
73rd. Northern Ireland One-Nil, meanwhile, dropped below Gabon to
104th.
John Aldridge has emerged as the second-favourite behind Martin
O'Neill to assume Brian Kerr's newly-vacated Republic of Ireland
lukewarm seat.
The thought of joining Rafa and his Spanish compatriots at Liverpool
hasn't tempted Ivan Helguera to quit Real Madrid. "I do not have any
accord with the Reds," he said, quite possibly via an online
translator.
And Swindon have staved off an Inland Revenue winding-up order by
settling GBP250,000 of outstanding tax.
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Is it too late for Abel Xavier to enter the Conservative party
leadership election?" - Dermot Lynch.
"Re: Graham Stack's claim that Arsenal's French players sit together,
with the Germans and Freddie Ljungberg in a separate group, and the
English in another. I suppose Phillippe Senderos sits on his own but
gets on with everyone, quietly eating chocolate and amassing vast
riches that he will never return" - Jon Logie.
"Re: David O'Leary's comment about Doug Ellis: 'I could see him and
how smiley-wiley he was'. Smiley wiley? Surely no one can come up
with a comment on this that is funnier or more surreal than the
original statement?" - Nick Smith.
"Perhaps 'math' whiz and former Wonder Years star Danica McKellar
(Fiver letters passim) could appear on Countdown instead of dull old
Carol Vorderman? I would gladly wear garish ties and feign interest
in the lives of the lonely contestants to be close to such a clever
bit of totty" - Russell George.
"According to the Scottish press, Pope's O'Rangers boss Alex McLeish
has asked Gordon Strachan for tips on how to beat Big Cup opponents
Artmedia. Isn't that like asking Graeme Souness for man-management
advice, Peter Crouch for goal-scoring tips or Stuart Pearce for
hairstyling info?" - Ashley Mills.
"Was Manchester Seahawks' disappointing draw with Lille at the Salford
Devilbowl down to player confusion over the NFL markings on the
pitch?" - Rob Warner.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from www.goalhanger.com. Today's
winner: Dermot Lynch.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Soccer Special (7.30pm)
We asked you to salve your consciences by confessing to past
misdemeanours and for reasons best known to yourselves, you've sent
us story after story about dead rabbits.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm)
So without further ado, here's another one.
J-League Weekly (12am)
"I cannot vouch for the authenticity of this story, but thought it
might raise a chuckle nonetheless," writes Andrew Bridges,
immediately getting our Urban Myth antennae twitching.
Sky Sports 2: Live Big Cup: Anderlecht v Liverpool (6pm)
"A friend of my father's returned home from work one day to find the
family dog tossing the lifeless form of our neighbours' pet rabbit
around the garden," he explains.
Sky Sports Xtra: Live Big Cup: Chelsea v Real Betis (7.30pm)
"Knowing how next door's kids doted on the bunny, he took it from the
dog, dusted it off and surreptitiously slipped it back inside its
hutch, so they'd think it had died of natural causes.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"Imagine his dismay when the father from next door reported his
children's understandable anguish and bewilderment ...
Talksport: Big Cup Live (7pm)
"... at having buried poor Patches one day, only to find him returned
to his former home the next."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm)
It may not be true, but it certainly got us sniggering. Now please
send some rabbit-unrelated admissions of guilt to Father O'Fiver, who
is waiting to absolve you of your sins. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
and mark them: This Confession Is Not Cunicular.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ALL ART IS QUITE USELESS ACCORDING TO OSCAR WILDE
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle and Sean Ingle. Guardian
Unlimited(c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
19 October 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Redcurrant Pimpernel; and White-Knuckle Ride
****************************
BREAKING NEWS
Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo was today arrested and is
being questioned by detectives on suspicion of r*pe. The 20-year-old
Portugal international went voluntarily to a police station in London
to speak to police investigating an allegation made by a woman.
She claims she was seriously assaulted in a penthouse suite at the
Sanderson Hotel in central London on October 2. The player is
expected to emphatically deny any wrongdoing. A spokesman for
Manchester United said the club was not releasing a statement about
Ronaldo's arrest. Director of communications Phil Townsend said:
"We're not commenting at the moment."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
HOORAY HENRY
There's a theory about Thierry Henry: you can seek him here, you can
seek him there, but in big games you won't find Arsenal's scarlet (or
should that be redcurrant?) pimpernel anywhere. Such tosh is
generally spouted by fans of the MU Devildolphins, who really should
know better given that the Frenchman averages a goal every two games
against them - a better record than the Rowdyburns' own French
legend, Eric Cantona, ever managed against the Gunners.
He's also put 10 past Chelsea, seven past Liverpool, nabbed a Big Cup
hat-trick away to Roma, a brace at Inter (what did Cantona ever do in
Big Cup?), and scored in triumphant European Championship and World
Cup campaigns (you still reading, Eric?). So, in the wake of Henry
passing Ian Wright's goal-scoring record for Arsenal last night, it
is perhaps time for even the most jaundiced naysayers to hail Henry
for what he is: one of the greatest players of his generation. Hell,
even the normally reserved Ian Wright-Wright-Wright has found it
within himself to be magnanimous.
"It couldn't happen to a nicer fella," he yahooed today, waving his
trademark pom-poms. "He is a footballing person. It would be
different if it was someone you didn't like and he was a horrible
person," added the quiz and chat show host many right-thinking people
can't stand. "He deserves it, he is a fantastic player," continued
Wrighty, clearly enjoying being on TV again. "He has won everything,
apart from Big Cup, which I am praying he can do."
All Arsenal fans are praying for the same thing and the club's
mandarins are down on their flannel-clad knees pleading with Henry to
sign a new contract to make it all come true. But though Henry also
dreams of Big Cup glory, he's said to be increasingly dubious of
finding it at penny-pinching Arsenal: "It's really important to
concentrate on this season and see what happens," he teased. "I will
discuss a new contract at the end of the season." Of course the Fiver
also hopes Arsenal win Big Cup this year. Not because we want Henry
to stay, but so we can see the expression on Patrick Vieira's face.
Vote now in our sports referendum: was Ian Wright better than Thierry
Henry?
football.guardian.co.uk/poll/0,12370,1595800,00.html#ballot
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We have now conceded seven goals in two games. It gets the alarm
bells ringing in terms of things not being right. Players' confidence
can turn very quickly as we saw only too clearly last season when we
went on a losing run" - Media tart Sam Allardyce (51 today - happy
birthday) can't bear to be out of the news, even if it means cooking
up a non-existent crisis at his own club.
*********************
OUT OF TOON
The Fiver likes to imagine Graeme Souness's managerial reign at
Newcastle United Comedy Club as a rickety, out-of-control
rollercoaster, flying around every bend of a white-knuckle ride with
the control of a Titus Bramble backpass. We all know it's going to
crash, it's just a matter of when. The Fiver, having punted a
significant sum on Souness to be the first Premiership boss to be
fired, wouldn't be averse to it happening on Sunday, when Sunderland
are in Toon. And for "wouldn't be averse" read "will be performing
backflips down Farringdon Road, loudly crying 'ker-ching!'."
The likelihood is, of course, that NUCC will win on Sunday and the
Fiver will move even closer to the poor house. Saying that, the news
from St James' isn't good. For them. In the past 24 hours, Souness's
players have started dropping like Hollywood wannabes on the casting
couch [Didn't you use this last week? - Fiver Ed]: Michael Owen
limped out of a practice match with a hamstring strain during a
kickabout designed, ironically, to help Nobby Solano and Emre get
back to full fitness, while No2 keeper Steve Harper and defender
Craig Moore have also picked up knocks.
Nevertheless, Souness can't wait for Sunday's crunchfest. "I've played
in derbies in Liverpool and Glasgow, and managed in them as well.
Rangers v Celtic is special, as is the Merseyside derby and
Galatasaray against Fenerbahce," he growled to the Newky Evening
Chronicle. "I'm sure Newcastle v Sunderland will be up there with the
best of them. It's another one to tick off, and I'll be doing
everything to make sure we win. I'm really looking forward to this
one." Not as much as the Fiver is, Graeme.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Got a few pennies in your pocket? Well, Guardian Unlimited's book on
the Ashes, Is It Cowardly To Pray For Rain? is yours for just
GBP7.99!
www.guardianbookshop.co.uk/BerteShopWeb/viewProduct.do?ISBN=034911983X
Follow Chelsea v Real Betis live from 7.30pm with Georgina Turner:
football.guardian.co.uk/news/matchreport/0,9752,1595811,00.html
Follow Anderlecht v Liverpool live from 7.30pm with Barry Glendenning:
football.guardian.co.uk/news/matchreport/0,9752,1595814,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Michael Ballack has concluded make-or-break talks with Bayern Munich
over a new deal by plumping for the third option: waiting another
four to six weeks to make his decision.
Having decided that three's a crowd, Juventus have pushed in front of
Chelsea and Liverpool in the queue for Anderlecht defender Vincent
Kompany's services.
And Andrew Cole could be explaining the subtleties of his name to
Australian journalists on a regular basis, if Queensland Roar can
tempt him to swap Man City for the A-League.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
The Knowledge discovers the most bookable acts of sarcasm ever:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1594901,00.html
David Conn lifts the lid on boardroom intrigue at Loftus Road:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1595541,00.html
The big debate: is football doing enough to attract the Asian
community?
football.guardian.co.uk/blueprint/story/0,16454,1595528,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP0.60 Berliner theguardian: read day two of
our exclusive extracts from Duncan Fletcher's Ashes diary; and rugby
league executive chairman Richard Lewis answers your questions.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Stumbling to the top of their World Cup qualifying group has lifted
England to ninth in Fifa's latest rankings. The Republic of Ireland
remain 21st, Scotland jumped to 62nd from 74th, and Wales rose to
73rd. Northern Ireland One-Nil, meanwhile, dropped below Gabon to
104th.
John Aldridge has emerged as the second-favourite behind Martin
O'Neill to assume Brian Kerr's newly-vacated Republic of Ireland
lukewarm seat.
The thought of joining Rafa and his Spanish compatriots at Liverpool
hasn't tempted Ivan Helguera to quit Real Madrid. "I do not have any
accord with the Reds," he said, quite possibly via an online
translator.
And Swindon have staved off an Inland Revenue winding-up order by
settling GBP250,000 of outstanding tax.
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Is it too late for Abel Xavier to enter the Conservative party
leadership election?" - Dermot Lynch.
"Re: Graham Stack's claim that Arsenal's French players sit together,
with the Germans and Freddie Ljungberg in a separate group, and the
English in another. I suppose Phillippe Senderos sits on his own but
gets on with everyone, quietly eating chocolate and amassing vast
riches that he will never return" - Jon Logie.
"Re: David O'Leary's comment about Doug Ellis: 'I could see him and
how smiley-wiley he was'. Smiley wiley? Surely no one can come up
with a comment on this that is funnier or more surreal than the
original statement?" - Nick Smith.
"Perhaps 'math' whiz and former Wonder Years star Danica McKellar
(Fiver letters passim) could appear on Countdown instead of dull old
Carol Vorderman? I would gladly wear garish ties and feign interest
in the lives of the lonely contestants to be close to such a clever
bit of totty" - Russell George.
"According to the Scottish press, Pope's O'Rangers boss Alex McLeish
has asked Gordon Strachan for tips on how to beat Big Cup opponents
Artmedia. Isn't that like asking Graeme Souness for man-management
advice, Peter Crouch for goal-scoring tips or Stuart Pearce for
hairstyling info?" - Ashley Mills.
"Was Manchester Seahawks' disappointing draw with Lille at the Salford
Devilbowl down to player confusion over the NFL markings on the
pitch?" - Rob Warner.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from www.goalhanger.com. Today's
winner: Dermot Lynch.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Soccer Special (7.30pm)
We asked you to salve your consciences by confessing to past
misdemeanours and for reasons best known to yourselves, you've sent
us story after story about dead rabbits.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm)
So without further ado, here's another one.
J-League Weekly (12am)
"I cannot vouch for the authenticity of this story, but thought it
might raise a chuckle nonetheless," writes Andrew Bridges,
immediately getting our Urban Myth antennae twitching.
Sky Sports 2: Live Big Cup: Anderlecht v Liverpool (6pm)
"A friend of my father's returned home from work one day to find the
family dog tossing the lifeless form of our neighbours' pet rabbit
around the garden," he explains.
Sky Sports Xtra: Live Big Cup: Chelsea v Real Betis (7.30pm)
"Knowing how next door's kids doted on the bunny, he took it from the
dog, dusted it off and surreptitiously slipped it back inside its
hutch, so they'd think it had died of natural causes.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"Imagine his dismay when the father from next door reported his
children's understandable anguish and bewilderment ...
Talksport: Big Cup Live (7pm)
"... at having buried poor Patches one day, only to find him returned
to his former home the next."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball With Ger Gilroy (7pm)
It may not be true, but it certainly got us sniggering. Now please
send some rabbit-unrelated admissions of guilt to Father O'Fiver, who
is waiting to absolve you of your sins. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
and mark them: This Confession Is Not Cunicular.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ALL ART IS QUITE USELESS ACCORDING TO OSCAR WILDE
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle and Sean Ingle. Guardian
Unlimited(c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.