Post by Salem6 on Oct 8, 2005 8:18:38 GMT
The Fiver
07 October 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Fergie Dolls
* * * * * * * * * * * *
FERGIE TM?
The Fiver has a money-making idea: a range of beetroot-coloured,
extra-strength hairdryers called The Fergie. The slogan? "More hot
air than the rest - or your money back". Better still, if we get them
out quick, we wouldn't have to pay Sir Alex Ferguson a penny - yet.
Unfortunately the wily Trafford Glazersox boss wants to become Fergie
TM, granting him exclusive rights to use his name on a wide range of
goods, and to sue the bejesus out of anyone who gets in his way.
However his plan suffered the equivalent of a sly Mikael Silvestre
trip today, when the Trade Marks Registry rejected Fergie's proposals
to ban posters and stickers bearing his name. Cue a spectacular strop
from his lawyer, Alan Fiddes, who boomed: "Our argument is that Sir
Alex Ferguson is being discriminated against because he is too
famous. A non-famous person would be able to trademark their image,
but because Sir Alex is already famous he cannot!"
Even more crazily, Fiddes wants to appeal the decision under article
14 of the Human Rights Act (yes, the same one that protects
individuals from trivial things like sex, race, language and
religious discrimination by the state), claiming Fergie needs:
"Another weapon in his armoury for him to stop people exploiting his
brand image."
Next month, the Trade Marks Registery will rule on whether to allow
Fergie to trademark dolls, jewellery and video games with his name on
[bound to be a big-money spinner that - Fiver Ed]. While, even more
ridiculously, Jose Mourinho hopes to get a trademark to launch a
range of after-shave lotions, DVDs and ... handbags. Perhaps Gary
Neville could stop by the King's Road next time he's in London?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I can't wait to get groin" - Daily Record headline on an article in
which Brahim Hemdani anticipates putting a minor strain of said body
area behind him and making his first-team debut for Rangers. Quite.
*********************
INTERNATIONAL NEWS IN BRIEF SPECIAL
Kicking off our all-singing-and-dancing-one-day-only feature, is
Sven-Groan Eriksson, who used today's thrilling England press
conference to keep schtum over his centre-back pairing to play
Austria. "If you want to come out with a message it is not always
right to shout," deadpanned the Swede as Garth Crooks, Nick Collins
and co slumped in their chairs. "People can speak in different ways,
you don't need to shout." We'll leave it to the press themselves, who
claim, loudhailer in hand, that Sven has told Rio he's dropped.
Also dodging questions was Republic of Ireland soon-to-be-ex-manager
Brian Kerr, whose terse response when the subject of his position was
raised was to snap: "I thought we'd come to talk about the game."
Barry Ferguson and Lee McCulloch have been passed fit for Scotland's
make-or-break Fujifilm Mastercard Nintendo World Cup clash with
Belarus.
Ipswich goalkeeper Lewis Price's hopes of making a Welsh international
debut against Northern Ireland One-Nil appear to have been dashed by
a training-ground injury. Paul Jones is on standby to take his
place...
...while One-Nil defender Colin Murdock took time out to argue why
Peter Crouch ought to line up for England tomorrow. "He is a good
player with a good touch for such a big man," he explained, without a
hint of sarcasm.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Roy Keane's departure from the MU Padres could be hastened at the end
of this month, when Michael Ballack will have decided if he wants to
come to the DevilsArena next summer.
Plenty of Premiership scouts are claiming major travel expenses after
visiting Ecuador to watch Deportivo Cuenca's Venezuelan midfielder
Hector Gonzalez strutting his stuff.
Ajax claim Chelsea's new technical director Frank Arnesen has wasted
little time in hunting down the best youngsters in Europe. "What is
happening here is really crazy," moaned Ajax director Arie van
Eijden, after revealing the Blues' interest in John Goossens and
Jeffrey Sarpong [June to his mates], who both shone at the U17 World
Championship.
And it seems Arnesen has been a busy boy, as the name of Borussia
Dortmund's 17-year-old Turkish midfielder Nuri Sahin has also
appeared on their wanted list, as has 12-year-old Sevilla starlet
Nacho Morillo.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
"I want them to win playing Irish football, not cautious continental
football" - Niall Quinn on how the Republic can reach Germany next
summer.
Our top tipster James Dart breaks down this weekend's best bets at
home and abroad:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1586477,00.html
Get them while they're hot (yes, we stole them): we've five copies of
Fifa Manager 2006 for the PC to be won:
football.guardian.co.uk/competition/0,13349,-598,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: England
midfielder Frank Lampard talks about the tests ahead for club and
country; and Richard Williams on how Sven is coping with the biggest
challenge of his career.
* * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
A double dose of bad news for Adam Proudlock: the sacked Sheffield
Wednesday striker will appear in court on Tuesday charged with drink
driving; and Fifa suits have ruled that he cannot sign for Ipswich -
where he's currently on trial - until January.
Chalk up another injury to Jonathan Woodgate's bulging CV. Real Madrid
insist his ankle-knack isn't too serious, but we've heard that
somewhere before.
England U21 international Liam Ridgewell has condem ... sorry,
committed himself to Aston Villa until 2008.
Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan has been charged with improper
conduct by the FA over comments made in an article in Medium Paper's
Sunday sister, the Observer.
And FC United are having a United United day for all those Rowdy fans
who can't go to the Glazerdome tomorrow. Be there and be early.
Opposition: Daisy Hill (a club, not a person). Time: 3pm. Place: Gigg
Lane.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"I was at the Labour Party conference awaiting John Prescott to mount
the stage and wax lyrical. Upon his entrance, one spectator shouted:
'Oi! Andy Reid!'. Prescott couldn't have looked more annoyed" - Simon
Ryan.
"Was Peter Crouch ever in Sesame Street or have I just seen a picture
of him in his Norwich days?" - Hywel Benbow.
"The following is from today's Times: 'Crouch's stature masks an
exquisite touch and spatial awareness'. Is there a prize for spotting
the most pretentious way of saying he's got a GTFABM?" - Mark Smith.
"Re: Oxford United's GBP100 fine for wearing orange shirts during a
match [yesterday's Fiver]. Wolves must owe the Football League
millions at this stage" - Dug J.
"In today's GU Football quiz I learned that Middlesbrough's Emanuel
Pogatetz incurred a 24-week domestic ban for breaking an opponent's
leg in two places. How did this work? Did he break the tibia in the
penalty area, then drag the poor sod to the corner flag and break his
fibula?" - Simon Fox.
"Am I the only one who was hoping little Michael Owen wouldn't recover
in time so we could have our first osteopath's nightmare partnership
of Crouch and Bent up front?" - Ian Constantine.
"Olly Pybus (yesterday's Fiver letters) is kidding no-one with his
right-on pseudo-lefty babble. The correct term for the drink is
simply 'mate'. Yerba mate is the herb that you put in the mate to
make the drink. Mr Pybus is clearly a gullible sandal-muncher who'll
buy any old third-world tat in the mistaken belief that anything
remotely Latin American is somehow esoteric. I bet he owns an urban
sombrero" - Daniel Tunnard.
"I was on a whale-watching trip, when the captain shouted 'Oi!
Everton!' at a blue whale that briefly emerged for a glimpse of life
above the water. I'm not sure if it looked gutted, for as quickly as
it had risen it slunk back down to the bottom of the ocean" - Richard
Goddard.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from www.goalhanger.com. Today's
winner: Richard Goddard.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: The Match Live (9pm)
"You asked for stories of unrequited love, cheating partners, lust
from a distance and killing a man," writes Tim Mather of yesterday's
craven Fiver plea for something frothy and frivolous with which to
fill this space.
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (12am)
"Does the Fiver want to get something off its chest?" he asks. "Need
to know you're not on your own? Or does somebody need a big hug?" Yes
please.
International Football (12.30am)
One snuggly embrace later and Mark from Manchester is here with what
appears to be a good idea.
Sky Sports 2: Soccer Am's All Sports Show (11pm)
"How about using this space as a confessional, with us owning up to
the worst things we've ever done and Father O'Fiver dishing out
suitable punishments for our sins?" he asks, his reluctance to
divulge his surname suggesting he's about to unburden his conscience.
International Football (4am)
"There was the time I had a one-night stand with a girl and couldn't
think of a way to let her down gently the next morning.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"So I told her I was in a paramilitary organisation in Ireland and
wasn't allowed to have a relationship or else I would be severely
beaten.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"Not only did she believe me, she even felt sorry for me. I'm going
to burn in hell."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Yes you are, child, for all eternity. Now isn't it time you squeezed
into a dark, cramped box with Father O'Fiver? Send your confessions
to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark them Bless Me Father For What I
Done.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
OUR MUSE IS NOT A HORSE AND IF INDEED SHE WAS WE WOULD NOT HARNESS HER
TO THIS TUMBREL - THIS BLOODY CART OF SEVERED HEADS AND GLITTERING
PRIZES. UNLESS WE WIN, OBVIOUSLY
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle, who was wearing a tuxedo.
Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered
in England and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate,
Manchester.
07 October 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Fergie Dolls
* * * * * * * * * * * *
FERGIE TM?
The Fiver has a money-making idea: a range of beetroot-coloured,
extra-strength hairdryers called The Fergie. The slogan? "More hot
air than the rest - or your money back". Better still, if we get them
out quick, we wouldn't have to pay Sir Alex Ferguson a penny - yet.
Unfortunately the wily Trafford Glazersox boss wants to become Fergie
TM, granting him exclusive rights to use his name on a wide range of
goods, and to sue the bejesus out of anyone who gets in his way.
However his plan suffered the equivalent of a sly Mikael Silvestre
trip today, when the Trade Marks Registry rejected Fergie's proposals
to ban posters and stickers bearing his name. Cue a spectacular strop
from his lawyer, Alan Fiddes, who boomed: "Our argument is that Sir
Alex Ferguson is being discriminated against because he is too
famous. A non-famous person would be able to trademark their image,
but because Sir Alex is already famous he cannot!"
Even more crazily, Fiddes wants to appeal the decision under article
14 of the Human Rights Act (yes, the same one that protects
individuals from trivial things like sex, race, language and
religious discrimination by the state), claiming Fergie needs:
"Another weapon in his armoury for him to stop people exploiting his
brand image."
Next month, the Trade Marks Registery will rule on whether to allow
Fergie to trademark dolls, jewellery and video games with his name on
[bound to be a big-money spinner that - Fiver Ed]. While, even more
ridiculously, Jose Mourinho hopes to get a trademark to launch a
range of after-shave lotions, DVDs and ... handbags. Perhaps Gary
Neville could stop by the King's Road next time he's in London?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I can't wait to get groin" - Daily Record headline on an article in
which Brahim Hemdani anticipates putting a minor strain of said body
area behind him and making his first-team debut for Rangers. Quite.
*********************
INTERNATIONAL NEWS IN BRIEF SPECIAL
Kicking off our all-singing-and-dancing-one-day-only feature, is
Sven-Groan Eriksson, who used today's thrilling England press
conference to keep schtum over his centre-back pairing to play
Austria. "If you want to come out with a message it is not always
right to shout," deadpanned the Swede as Garth Crooks, Nick Collins
and co slumped in their chairs. "People can speak in different ways,
you don't need to shout." We'll leave it to the press themselves, who
claim, loudhailer in hand, that Sven has told Rio he's dropped.
Also dodging questions was Republic of Ireland soon-to-be-ex-manager
Brian Kerr, whose terse response when the subject of his position was
raised was to snap: "I thought we'd come to talk about the game."
Barry Ferguson and Lee McCulloch have been passed fit for Scotland's
make-or-break Fujifilm Mastercard Nintendo World Cup clash with
Belarus.
Ipswich goalkeeper Lewis Price's hopes of making a Welsh international
debut against Northern Ireland One-Nil appear to have been dashed by
a training-ground injury. Paul Jones is on standby to take his
place...
...while One-Nil defender Colin Murdock took time out to argue why
Peter Crouch ought to line up for England tomorrow. "He is a good
player with a good touch for such a big man," he explained, without a
hint of sarcasm.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Roy Keane's departure from the MU Padres could be hastened at the end
of this month, when Michael Ballack will have decided if he wants to
come to the DevilsArena next summer.
Plenty of Premiership scouts are claiming major travel expenses after
visiting Ecuador to watch Deportivo Cuenca's Venezuelan midfielder
Hector Gonzalez strutting his stuff.
Ajax claim Chelsea's new technical director Frank Arnesen has wasted
little time in hunting down the best youngsters in Europe. "What is
happening here is really crazy," moaned Ajax director Arie van
Eijden, after revealing the Blues' interest in John Goossens and
Jeffrey Sarpong [June to his mates], who both shone at the U17 World
Championship.
And it seems Arnesen has been a busy boy, as the name of Borussia
Dortmund's 17-year-old Turkish midfielder Nuri Sahin has also
appeared on their wanted list, as has 12-year-old Sevilla starlet
Nacho Morillo.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
"I want them to win playing Irish football, not cautious continental
football" - Niall Quinn on how the Republic can reach Germany next
summer.
Our top tipster James Dart breaks down this weekend's best bets at
home and abroad:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1586477,00.html
Get them while they're hot (yes, we stole them): we've five copies of
Fifa Manager 2006 for the PC to be won:
football.guardian.co.uk/competition/0,13349,-598,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: England
midfielder Frank Lampard talks about the tests ahead for club and
country; and Richard Williams on how Sven is coping with the biggest
challenge of his career.
* * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
A double dose of bad news for Adam Proudlock: the sacked Sheffield
Wednesday striker will appear in court on Tuesday charged with drink
driving; and Fifa suits have ruled that he cannot sign for Ipswich -
where he's currently on trial - until January.
Chalk up another injury to Jonathan Woodgate's bulging CV. Real Madrid
insist his ankle-knack isn't too serious, but we've heard that
somewhere before.
England U21 international Liam Ridgewell has condem ... sorry,
committed himself to Aston Villa until 2008.
Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan has been charged with improper
conduct by the FA over comments made in an article in Medium Paper's
Sunday sister, the Observer.
And FC United are having a United United day for all those Rowdy fans
who can't go to the Glazerdome tomorrow. Be there and be early.
Opposition: Daisy Hill (a club, not a person). Time: 3pm. Place: Gigg
Lane.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"I was at the Labour Party conference awaiting John Prescott to mount
the stage and wax lyrical. Upon his entrance, one spectator shouted:
'Oi! Andy Reid!'. Prescott couldn't have looked more annoyed" - Simon
Ryan.
"Was Peter Crouch ever in Sesame Street or have I just seen a picture
of him in his Norwich days?" - Hywel Benbow.
"The following is from today's Times: 'Crouch's stature masks an
exquisite touch and spatial awareness'. Is there a prize for spotting
the most pretentious way of saying he's got a GTFABM?" - Mark Smith.
"Re: Oxford United's GBP100 fine for wearing orange shirts during a
match [yesterday's Fiver]. Wolves must owe the Football League
millions at this stage" - Dug J.
"In today's GU Football quiz I learned that Middlesbrough's Emanuel
Pogatetz incurred a 24-week domestic ban for breaking an opponent's
leg in two places. How did this work? Did he break the tibia in the
penalty area, then drag the poor sod to the corner flag and break his
fibula?" - Simon Fox.
"Am I the only one who was hoping little Michael Owen wouldn't recover
in time so we could have our first osteopath's nightmare partnership
of Crouch and Bent up front?" - Ian Constantine.
"Olly Pybus (yesterday's Fiver letters) is kidding no-one with his
right-on pseudo-lefty babble. The correct term for the drink is
simply 'mate'. Yerba mate is the herb that you put in the mate to
make the drink. Mr Pybus is clearly a gullible sandal-muncher who'll
buy any old third-world tat in the mistaken belief that anything
remotely Latin American is somehow esoteric. I bet he owns an urban
sombrero" - Daniel Tunnard.
"I was on a whale-watching trip, when the captain shouted 'Oi!
Everton!' at a blue whale that briefly emerged for a glimpse of life
above the water. I'm not sure if it looked gutted, for as quickly as
it had risen it slunk back down to the bottom of the ocean" - Richard
Goddard.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from www.goalhanger.com. Today's
winner: Richard Goddard.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: The Match Live (9pm)
"You asked for stories of unrequited love, cheating partners, lust
from a distance and killing a man," writes Tim Mather of yesterday's
craven Fiver plea for something frothy and frivolous with which to
fill this space.
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (12am)
"Does the Fiver want to get something off its chest?" he asks. "Need
to know you're not on your own? Or does somebody need a big hug?" Yes
please.
International Football (12.30am)
One snuggly embrace later and Mark from Manchester is here with what
appears to be a good idea.
Sky Sports 2: Soccer Am's All Sports Show (11pm)
"How about using this space as a confessional, with us owning up to
the worst things we've ever done and Father O'Fiver dishing out
suitable punishments for our sins?" he asks, his reluctance to
divulge his surname suggesting he's about to unburden his conscience.
International Football (4am)
"There was the time I had a one-night stand with a girl and couldn't
think of a way to let her down gently the next morning.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"So I told her I was in a paramilitary organisation in Ireland and
wasn't allowed to have a relationship or else I would be severely
beaten.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"Not only did she believe me, she even felt sorry for me. I'm going
to burn in hell."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Yes you are, child, for all eternity. Now isn't it time you squeezed
into a dark, cramped box with Father O'Fiver? Send your confessions
to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark them Bless Me Father For What I
Done.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
OUR MUSE IS NOT A HORSE AND IF INDEED SHE WAS WE WOULD NOT HARNESS HER
TO THIS TUMBREL - THIS BLOODY CART OF SEVERED HEADS AND GLITTERING
PRIZES. UNLESS WE WIN, OBVIOUSLY
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle, who was wearing a tuxedo.
Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered
in England and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate,
Manchester.