Post by Salem6 on Sept 24, 2005 7:26:16 GMT
The Fiver
23 September 2005
In today's Fiver: Severed Leg,
and Knackered Groin
* * * * * * * * * * * *
JONATHAN WOODGATE: AN APOLOGY
In yesterday's tea-time take on the world of football entitled 'The
Fiver', Real Madrid debutant Jonathan Woodgate was the subject of
considerable lampoonery. Because of a series of unfortunate and
unavoidable production errors, we suggested that the
Middlesbrough-born defender was just "one Bramble-esque gaffe in the
penalty area" away from jeopardising all the hard work he'd done in
the treatment room since he and his then severed leg pitched up at
the Bernabeu 517 days ago.
Although a prior engagement with a Soho cinema seat, some Purple Tin
and a Scandinavian special interest movie based on the Orwellian
allegory Animal Farm meant we did not actually get to see last
night's match between Real Madrid and Athletic Bilbao, what little
we've heard about it suggests that despite our best attempts to jinx
him, Woodgate enjoyed a dream debut which saw him score with a diving
header before walking off the pitch to a standing ovation from the
assembled Madridistas.
Fuelled by our typical lack of prescience, our subsequent feelings of
foolishness have since been compounded by the comments of Woodgate's
manager, who was lavish in his praise of his new defensive linchpin.
"He has conquered the Bernabeu because he is a quality player. He's
been out of action for too long, but the people have now seen that we
have got another central defender," declared Vanderlei Luxemburgo, as
the Fiver blushed crimson at its ill-conceived doom-harbinging. And
as if that wasn't bad enough, AS columnist Tomas Roncero threw in his
two cents, making us feel even guiltier: "Woodgate is an ugly
duckling amongst such beautiful swans and it might take a while for
him to win the respect of the Bernabeu, but he's already got their
love," he gushed, bringing a tear to the Fiver's jaundiced eye.
And what of the man himself's reflections on a memorable evening?
"F**k me! What a debut," crowed Woodgate, as the Fiver's
forelock-tugging Spanish emissary, Manuel Miguel Jose Maria Seve
Castanets Pamplona Ole Ole Ole Fiver, grovelled at his feet while
begging forgiveness for running with yesterday's bull. [Honk! - Fiver
Ed]. Jonathan Woodgate, for even suggesting your long overdue debut
might be ruined by anything so implausibly Bramble-esque as a
comically brilliant own goal followed by a sending-off, we apologise.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
".................................................................." -
the Special One begins his vow of silence after Chelsea revealed he
was withdrawing all cooperation with the media.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
4-5-1: THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST
If the time it takes to make a baby is, as Billy Bragg maintained,
"the time it takes to make a cup of tea", then MU Redskins boss Sir
Alex of Taggart could, if he so wished, have spawned approximately
66.6 Mini-Hims since his monstrously expensive side last scored a
goal (in the Manchester derby 225 game-minutes ago, since you ask). A
very disturbing thought for Glazersox fans. And everyone else.
In theory, the goal-drought could end tomorrow when Blackeye Rovers
visit the Trafford Prawnadome, but those prospects had their legs
kicked from under them today when it emerged that buccaneering
Glazersock Gary Neville will defy expectations by not making a return
from injury. It seems the 30-year-old, whose goalscoring ratio is,
spookily enough, one-per-66.6 matches, broke down in training
yesterday and has undergone an operation on his knackered groin -
meaning he'll be walking funny and resting an ice-pack on his crotch
for at least six weeks. "It's a blow but we think an operation is the
best course of action," steamed Taggart, his scalpel poised.
Neville's absence, allied to the lengthy ones of fellow blocker, left
guard Gabriel Heinze, and raging bull running back Roy Keane, means
Taggart could now be forced to look to the likes of Ruud van
Nistelrooy and Wayne Rooney for goals. The Fiver, however, fully
expects his trusty assistant Carlos Queiroz to talk his boss out of
taking such a gamble. After all, word is the Portugeezer has
explained to the no-nonsense, no-pulse TV detective that there's a
downside to deploying two of the best offense men in the world as a
striking duo and allowing them to feed off crosses from Ronaldo and
Park Ji-sung, two of the world's finest wide-deliverers - it entails
abandoning a needlessly-convoluted 4-5-1 system that's been proven to
not work.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Wycombe have, chortle, KO'd Sheffield Wednesday's third bid for
striker Nathan Tyson and won't sell him for less than GBP750,000.
Sulky Roma midfielder Antonio Cassano is the hare, with Bayer
Leverkusen and Stuttgart the slavering greyhounds.
There must be a Nou Camp election on the horizon after Barcelona
revealed they'll happily take Thierry Henry off Arsenal's hands.
And what with Michael Carrick injured, THFC could find themselves in
a midfield meltdown should Fulham maintain their interest in Sean
Davis.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe examines the fall-out from last night at the Bernabeu - one
of the weirdest debuts in football history:
football.guardian.co.uk/continentalfootball/story/0,15758,1577067,00.html
Harry Pearson: blame the managers for football's waning popularity:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1576578,00.html
Predictable coaching courses are at the root of the Premiership's
problems, argues Niall Quinn:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1576643,00.html
Our resident tipster James Dart scans the English leagues for the
weekend's best bets:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1575988,00.html
If only Kate Moss could have got addicted to the greatest internet
sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: Christian
O'Connell on why Mostar rejected a Chuck Norris statue in favour of
Bruce Lee, Dave Lee Travis on the influx of foreign mercenaries in
the Zurich Premiership, and Andrew Johns, the world's best rugby
league player, talks exclusively about his English mission. You're
not sure whether or not to believe that DLT plug, are you?
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The FA has made one of its easier decisions by officially rescinding
the red card awarded to Man City's Nedum Onuoha in their Carling Cup
defeat to Doncaster.
Going down in the world today - at least as far as the League One
table currently stands - is Gary Johnson, after Bristol City agreed a
compensation package with Yeovil to make him their new manager.
New Plymouth manager Tony Pulis has brought former Argyle boss David
Kemp to Home Park as his assistant.
Heavyweight Swansea striker Adebayo Akinfenwa is ready to lead the
League One side's forward line against Nottingham Forest tomorrow
after cutting down on bulky Nigerian dinners. "I got told that when I
was born, I was the size of a five-year-old, so I've always been a
big lad. Now I've got to eat Yahoo yoghurts."
And Sparta Prague have sent former MU Greenbacks midfielder Karol
Poborsky out on loan to Czech second division outfit Ceske Budejovice
after he criticised coach Jaroslav Hrebik. Ricardo Carvalho is
counting himself lucky as we speak.
* * * * * * * * * *
CONTRIBUTE TO THE NEW-LOOK GUARDIAN SPORT SECTION!
* ASK THE EXPERT: Send your questions for Great Britain's Davis Cup
captain Jeremy Bates to expert@guardian.co.uk. He'll answer the best
next Thursday.
* YOUR MATCH REPORT: Things you've spotted watching your team this
week. Perhaps a tiny problem that drags players out of position and
snowballs into a serious flaw? Or maybe you can properly justify why
they should play a particular pairing up front - or at the back.
Whatever you've spotted send your 100-word nuggets to
your.match@guardian.co.uk. The best will be published on Monday.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"When the late Somali warlord Mohammad Farrah Aidid's faction came to
power in 1995, did anyone remark that they'd had a good putsch for a
big clan?" - Neville Wardle.
"Jonathan Woodgate would use neither a 'complex viewing mechanism' nor
'a mirror' to read the tattoo on his own back as suggested in
yesterday's Fiver - he would probably be better off using two
mirrors" - Matt Brereton.
"Yesterday's Woodgate Fiver proved to be the most prophetic piece of
journalism I have ever read. Well done, Fiver. Do you know next
week's lotto numbers?" - James Payne.
"After last night's own goal and sending off, Jonathan Woodgate said:
'I want to thank the public, who were brilliant when I was walking
off. They were all clapping and cheering'. This reminded me of Nigel
Tufnell's quote in This Is Spinal Tap: 'That support band was so bad
the audience was still booing them when we came on'" - Tom Morton.
"Re: Wigan chairman Dave Whelan, Chelsea, rugby league etc. Is this
the Dave Whelan who is complaining about excessive financial muscle
ruining the Premiership in any way related to the Dave Whelan who has
propelled a small, unfashionable Lancashire club with no support or
tradition into the Premiership purely by good management on a
shoestring budget, or by throwing huge amounts of cash at the team?"
- Richard Limb.
"Re: Dan Astridge's suggestion that the woodwork should shout 'you
tw*t!' every time someone hits it. There is a problem with this -
imagine the recent Man City v Bolton match. With abusive goalposts,
Manchester would have become a hotbed of bad-tempered, foul-mouthed
abu ... oh" - Nick Smith.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. Today's
winner: Tom Morton.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 2: Fifa Futbol Mundial (5.30pm)
"There wouldn't be an empty seat in the house if..." teases Nick
Banbury, continuing our open letter to the FA on improving football.
Ahem.
Premier League Preview (7pm)
"...on Fridays, every Premiership player was lined up in a car-park,
then all the managers picked teams.
Live Football League: Luton Town v Sheffield Wednesday (7.30pm)
"To add to the excitement, bookies could take bets on who would be
picked last." Surely it's not even worth opening a book until James
Beattie finds himself a Championship club?
Football League (12am)
Thomas Murray-Rust takes a fittingly sober approach for a man of
double-barrel heritage, however. "What if games were played at 3pm on
a Saturday?" he asks.
Sky Sports Xtra: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (10pm)
"The players all earned GBP250 a week, played in black boots,
celebrated goals with a hearty handshake, asked for and gave no
quarter (but respected the physical side of the game), and tickets
cost a tenner each?"
British Eurosport: Live Football: Italy v North Korea (9pm)
"Each match should be attended by 11 reserve referees," butts in Jon
Davenport. "Each time a player made a basic error, either in play or
judgment, they could run onto the pitch and push the offending player
and shout obscenities at him.
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (11.30pm)
"You get 30 seconds for a missed tackle, a minute for a missed shot,
two minutes for a foul and so on.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"Also, any Manchester United player just doing the job he is paid to
do, or merely obeying the laws of the game, would receive a similar
amount of abuse."
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
The mysteriously monikered The Gentleman wants to keep it simple,
however. "Every half an hour the defenders and keeper have to drink a
double Bacardi and coke.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Except Chelsea, who'll have to down neat triples." Sounds like a rum
do to us. Honk! Anyway, send your genius plans for reviving football
to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark them And That's When Paul Daniels
Appears On A Zip Wire.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
6, 11, 14, 35, 37, 41.
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
23 September 2005
In today's Fiver: Severed Leg,
and Knackered Groin
* * * * * * * * * * * *
JONATHAN WOODGATE: AN APOLOGY
In yesterday's tea-time take on the world of football entitled 'The
Fiver', Real Madrid debutant Jonathan Woodgate was the subject of
considerable lampoonery. Because of a series of unfortunate and
unavoidable production errors, we suggested that the
Middlesbrough-born defender was just "one Bramble-esque gaffe in the
penalty area" away from jeopardising all the hard work he'd done in
the treatment room since he and his then severed leg pitched up at
the Bernabeu 517 days ago.
Although a prior engagement with a Soho cinema seat, some Purple Tin
and a Scandinavian special interest movie based on the Orwellian
allegory Animal Farm meant we did not actually get to see last
night's match between Real Madrid and Athletic Bilbao, what little
we've heard about it suggests that despite our best attempts to jinx
him, Woodgate enjoyed a dream debut which saw him score with a diving
header before walking off the pitch to a standing ovation from the
assembled Madridistas.
Fuelled by our typical lack of prescience, our subsequent feelings of
foolishness have since been compounded by the comments of Woodgate's
manager, who was lavish in his praise of his new defensive linchpin.
"He has conquered the Bernabeu because he is a quality player. He's
been out of action for too long, but the people have now seen that we
have got another central defender," declared Vanderlei Luxemburgo, as
the Fiver blushed crimson at its ill-conceived doom-harbinging. And
as if that wasn't bad enough, AS columnist Tomas Roncero threw in his
two cents, making us feel even guiltier: "Woodgate is an ugly
duckling amongst such beautiful swans and it might take a while for
him to win the respect of the Bernabeu, but he's already got their
love," he gushed, bringing a tear to the Fiver's jaundiced eye.
And what of the man himself's reflections on a memorable evening?
"F**k me! What a debut," crowed Woodgate, as the Fiver's
forelock-tugging Spanish emissary, Manuel Miguel Jose Maria Seve
Castanets Pamplona Ole Ole Ole Fiver, grovelled at his feet while
begging forgiveness for running with yesterday's bull. [Honk! - Fiver
Ed]. Jonathan Woodgate, for even suggesting your long overdue debut
might be ruined by anything so implausibly Bramble-esque as a
comically brilliant own goal followed by a sending-off, we apologise.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
".................................................................." -
the Special One begins his vow of silence after Chelsea revealed he
was withdrawing all cooperation with the media.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
4-5-1: THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST
If the time it takes to make a baby is, as Billy Bragg maintained,
"the time it takes to make a cup of tea", then MU Redskins boss Sir
Alex of Taggart could, if he so wished, have spawned approximately
66.6 Mini-Hims since his monstrously expensive side last scored a
goal (in the Manchester derby 225 game-minutes ago, since you ask). A
very disturbing thought for Glazersox fans. And everyone else.
In theory, the goal-drought could end tomorrow when Blackeye Rovers
visit the Trafford Prawnadome, but those prospects had their legs
kicked from under them today when it emerged that buccaneering
Glazersock Gary Neville will defy expectations by not making a return
from injury. It seems the 30-year-old, whose goalscoring ratio is,
spookily enough, one-per-66.6 matches, broke down in training
yesterday and has undergone an operation on his knackered groin -
meaning he'll be walking funny and resting an ice-pack on his crotch
for at least six weeks. "It's a blow but we think an operation is the
best course of action," steamed Taggart, his scalpel poised.
Neville's absence, allied to the lengthy ones of fellow blocker, left
guard Gabriel Heinze, and raging bull running back Roy Keane, means
Taggart could now be forced to look to the likes of Ruud van
Nistelrooy and Wayne Rooney for goals. The Fiver, however, fully
expects his trusty assistant Carlos Queiroz to talk his boss out of
taking such a gamble. After all, word is the Portugeezer has
explained to the no-nonsense, no-pulse TV detective that there's a
downside to deploying two of the best offense men in the world as a
striking duo and allowing them to feed off crosses from Ronaldo and
Park Ji-sung, two of the world's finest wide-deliverers - it entails
abandoning a needlessly-convoluted 4-5-1 system that's been proven to
not work.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Wycombe have, chortle, KO'd Sheffield Wednesday's third bid for
striker Nathan Tyson and won't sell him for less than GBP750,000.
Sulky Roma midfielder Antonio Cassano is the hare, with Bayer
Leverkusen and Stuttgart the slavering greyhounds.
There must be a Nou Camp election on the horizon after Barcelona
revealed they'll happily take Thierry Henry off Arsenal's hands.
And what with Michael Carrick injured, THFC could find themselves in
a midfield meltdown should Fulham maintain their interest in Sean
Davis.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe examines the fall-out from last night at the Bernabeu - one
of the weirdest debuts in football history:
football.guardian.co.uk/continentalfootball/story/0,15758,1577067,00.html
Harry Pearson: blame the managers for football's waning popularity:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1576578,00.html
Predictable coaching courses are at the root of the Premiership's
problems, argues Niall Quinn:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1576643,00.html
Our resident tipster James Dart scans the English leagues for the
weekend's best bets:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1575988,00.html
If only Kate Moss could have got addicted to the greatest internet
sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And in tomorrow's bumper GBP1.20 Berliner theguardian: Christian
O'Connell on why Mostar rejected a Chuck Norris statue in favour of
Bruce Lee, Dave Lee Travis on the influx of foreign mercenaries in
the Zurich Premiership, and Andrew Johns, the world's best rugby
league player, talks exclusively about his English mission. You're
not sure whether or not to believe that DLT plug, are you?
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The FA has made one of its easier decisions by officially rescinding
the red card awarded to Man City's Nedum Onuoha in their Carling Cup
defeat to Doncaster.
Going down in the world today - at least as far as the League One
table currently stands - is Gary Johnson, after Bristol City agreed a
compensation package with Yeovil to make him their new manager.
New Plymouth manager Tony Pulis has brought former Argyle boss David
Kemp to Home Park as his assistant.
Heavyweight Swansea striker Adebayo Akinfenwa is ready to lead the
League One side's forward line against Nottingham Forest tomorrow
after cutting down on bulky Nigerian dinners. "I got told that when I
was born, I was the size of a five-year-old, so I've always been a
big lad. Now I've got to eat Yahoo yoghurts."
And Sparta Prague have sent former MU Greenbacks midfielder Karol
Poborsky out on loan to Czech second division outfit Ceske Budejovice
after he criticised coach Jaroslav Hrebik. Ricardo Carvalho is
counting himself lucky as we speak.
* * * * * * * * * *
CONTRIBUTE TO THE NEW-LOOK GUARDIAN SPORT SECTION!
* ASK THE EXPERT: Send your questions for Great Britain's Davis Cup
captain Jeremy Bates to expert@guardian.co.uk. He'll answer the best
next Thursday.
* YOUR MATCH REPORT: Things you've spotted watching your team this
week. Perhaps a tiny problem that drags players out of position and
snowballs into a serious flaw? Or maybe you can properly justify why
they should play a particular pairing up front - or at the back.
Whatever you've spotted send your 100-word nuggets to
your.match@guardian.co.uk. The best will be published on Monday.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"When the late Somali warlord Mohammad Farrah Aidid's faction came to
power in 1995, did anyone remark that they'd had a good putsch for a
big clan?" - Neville Wardle.
"Jonathan Woodgate would use neither a 'complex viewing mechanism' nor
'a mirror' to read the tattoo on his own back as suggested in
yesterday's Fiver - he would probably be better off using two
mirrors" - Matt Brereton.
"Yesterday's Woodgate Fiver proved to be the most prophetic piece of
journalism I have ever read. Well done, Fiver. Do you know next
week's lotto numbers?" - James Payne.
"After last night's own goal and sending off, Jonathan Woodgate said:
'I want to thank the public, who were brilliant when I was walking
off. They were all clapping and cheering'. This reminded me of Nigel
Tufnell's quote in This Is Spinal Tap: 'That support band was so bad
the audience was still booing them when we came on'" - Tom Morton.
"Re: Wigan chairman Dave Whelan, Chelsea, rugby league etc. Is this
the Dave Whelan who is complaining about excessive financial muscle
ruining the Premiership in any way related to the Dave Whelan who has
propelled a small, unfashionable Lancashire club with no support or
tradition into the Premiership purely by good management on a
shoestring budget, or by throwing huge amounts of cash at the team?"
- Richard Limb.
"Re: Dan Astridge's suggestion that the woodwork should shout 'you
tw*t!' every time someone hits it. There is a problem with this -
imagine the recent Man City v Bolton match. With abusive goalposts,
Manchester would have become a hotbed of bad-tempered, foul-mouthed
abu ... oh" - Nick Smith.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. Today's
winner: Tom Morton.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 2: Fifa Futbol Mundial (5.30pm)
"There wouldn't be an empty seat in the house if..." teases Nick
Banbury, continuing our open letter to the FA on improving football.
Ahem.
Premier League Preview (7pm)
"...on Fridays, every Premiership player was lined up in a car-park,
then all the managers picked teams.
Live Football League: Luton Town v Sheffield Wednesday (7.30pm)
"To add to the excitement, bookies could take bets on who would be
picked last." Surely it's not even worth opening a book until James
Beattie finds himself a Championship club?
Football League (12am)
Thomas Murray-Rust takes a fittingly sober approach for a man of
double-barrel heritage, however. "What if games were played at 3pm on
a Saturday?" he asks.
Sky Sports Xtra: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (10pm)
"The players all earned GBP250 a week, played in black boots,
celebrated goals with a hearty handshake, asked for and gave no
quarter (but respected the physical side of the game), and tickets
cost a tenner each?"
British Eurosport: Live Football: Italy v North Korea (9pm)
"Each match should be attended by 11 reserve referees," butts in Jon
Davenport. "Each time a player made a basic error, either in play or
judgment, they could run onto the pitch and push the offending player
and shout obscenities at him.
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (11.30pm)
"You get 30 seconds for a missed tackle, a minute for a missed shot,
two minutes for a foul and so on.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"Also, any Manchester United player just doing the job he is paid to
do, or merely obeying the laws of the game, would receive a similar
amount of abuse."
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
The mysteriously monikered The Gentleman wants to keep it simple,
however. "Every half an hour the defenders and keeper have to drink a
double Bacardi and coke.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Except Chelsea, who'll have to down neat triples." Sounds like a rum
do to us. Honk! Anyway, send your genius plans for reviving football
to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark them And That's When Paul Daniels
Appears On A Zip Wire.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
6, 11, 14, 35, 37, 41.
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.