Post by Salem6 on Sept 16, 2005 18:31:57 GMT
The Fiver
16 September 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Tabloid Wayne and Craig Bellamy
* * * * * * * * * * * *
PRESS GANGED
When the Fiver reads comment pieces in which English football writers
criticise Tabloid Wayne for being a boorish, snarling, foul-mouthed,
ill-mannered, immature and aggressive lout, the words "pot" and
"kettle" invariably spring to mind. After all, Tabloid Wayne is good
at something and has time on his side, while the pompous
pulpit-bashers who condemn him are often middle-aged, semi-literate
drunks, whose yobbish behaviour ensures they remain as popular in
press boxes around the world as bottles of sparkling water at a
drinks reception for the England cricket team.
And while it's not often the Fiver agrees with anything Sir Alex
Ferguson has to say, we couldn't help but agree with him when he
declared that he wasn't shocked by the hysterical media reaction to
Tabloid Wayne's Big Cup dismissal on Wednesday night. "I think he's
such a high-profile player that we are not surprised, not at all.
That's the way of the world. They did it with Gascoigne, they did it
with Beckham, they did it with Best. It's just the nature of the
press," he explained wearily, as assembled hacks tried, and failed,
to summon up the courage to applaud sarcastically.
But while Fergie is confident Tabloid Wayne "will put in a
performance" against Liverpool "because he's been doing that all the
time for us", he will be forced to do without nails-hard Argentine
full-back Gabriel Heinze, who has knacked his knee. "He has damaged
his cruciate ligament and will be out for most of the season,"
declared Fergie, patiently taking time to spell c-r-u-c-i-a-t-e for
his grunting audience. But with Gary Neville and Wes Brown injured,
and Jonathan Spector's defensive wall of sound currently on loan at
Charlton, Kieran Richardson looks set to fill the left-back berth at
Anfield on Sunday. What price more sarcastic applause from the
self-appointed "wags" in the Kop, the first time he completes a
successful back-pass this weekend?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Stand your ground and prepare for a ruck in Green Street, a thrilling
film about friendship and violence within a football firm. Cinemas
now.
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;19332407;11783628;i?http://www.yahoo.co.uk/greenstreet
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Some people say he has never won anything but he has done a lot. He
has won the Championship title, a play-off final, and we have
finished seventh in the Premiership" - Charlton chairman Richard
Murray explains why Alan Curbishley should be the next England
manager. The Fiver remembers Sunderland finishing seventh. Peter
Reid, anyone?
*********************
IN THE BLACKEYE OF A STORM
The Fiver would be out of business (good business, eh? Giving stuff
away for free) if football was populated by a million Paul Scholeses.
So thank God, then, for the likes of Craig Bellamy and Graeme Souness
- two walking wells of petrol who, over the years, have unfailingly
fuelled your daily Molotov cocktail of vaguely footy-related
chit-chat. So let's hail these rowdy heroes and, since Bellamy has
recovered from a hamstring injury and will play against Newcastle
United Comedy Club on Sunday, prepare for a mighty explosion.
The last team any manager wants to meet when they've an injury list
longer than a bore's story is Blackeye Rovers, but Souness will have
to worry not just for his players, but also about copping an elbow
himself - smack bang in the ego. As the mastermind behind a side that
has mustered just one goal in five league games this season, the
gruff Scot will be made to look as inept as an agoraphobic astronaut
if Bellamy, the striker he ran out of Toon last January but who still
finished the season as the club's joint-top Premiership scorer (with
a stupendous seven goals), grabs the winner.
"Craig is a very good player, he's one we know well," Souness reasoned
today. "But obviously there is more than Craig in the team that can
hurt us," he added, possibly after spotting Robbie Savage, Paul
Dickov and Lucas Neill emerging from their local dojo. "I know some
people would love me to sit here and talk about Craig, but I'm not
going to do that," continued Souness in reference to the striker who
famously dubbed him a "liar".
Perhaps Souness can afford to be steely-nerved because conflict has
been a constant through his career. Or perhaps it's because he knows
that the last time he guided a team to 19th in the league - Blackeye
Rovers this time last year - he escaped the sack by incredibly being
offered an even higher-profile job?
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Joe Cole fears for his England World Cup place - providing they get
there, of course - and is angling for a move away from Chelsea.
The Blues may also have to do without William Gallas, who's had his
nose put out of joint by Jose Mourinho. But there's talk of a
soothing GBP14m move for Anderlecht's Vincent Kompany.
And Gary Megson will be handed his P45 the next time Nottingham Forest
lose. About 4.45pm tomorrow then.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Why Niall Quinn reckons the good outweighs the bad when it comes to
Wayne Rooney:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1571442,00.html
Is Wayne Rooney more trouble than he's worth? Vote in our daily poll:
football.guardian.co.uk/poll/0,12370,1571003,00.html
James Dart is eight points up already this season. Follow his weekend
tips here:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1570620,00.html
And make even more money with Dan Roebuck in Sort-of-Big Paper's new
betting column:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1571489,00.html
All the greatest internet sports games in one place? Flippin' sweet!
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Send us your Photoshopped Ashes pictures - win a GBP100 bet with Blue
Square: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1564562,00.html
And in tomorrow's GBP1.20 Guardian: an exclusive interview with Sami
Hyypia and Ashley Giles on how he celebrated the Ashes!
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Prince William will become president of the FA in May next year,
taking over from the Duke of York.
Meanwhile, the FA has confirmed it is "pushing ahead" with exploratory
talks about England bidding for the 2018 World Cup - but insists it
will not launch a dry run for the 2014 event.
The FA has also charged Luton boss Mike Newell with two counts of
using abusive and/or threatening words and/or behaviour to a match
official for his antics during Luton's 1-1 draw with Wolves. Busy day
at Soho Square, then.
Aston Villa's injury list is threatening to outstrip their teamsheet,
with Gavin McCann out for at least two games after knee surgery.
* * * * * * * * * *
CONTRIBUTE TO THE NEW-LOOK GUARDIAN SPORT SECTION!
* ASK THE EXPERT: Send your questions for the sports minister Richard
Caborn to expert@guardian.co.uk - and see his answers next Thursday
* YOUR MATCH REPORT: Things you've spotted watching your team this
week. Perhaps a tiny problem that drags players out of position and
snowballs into a serious flaw? Or maybe you can properly justify why
they should play a particular pairing up front - or at the back.
Whatever you've spotted send your 100-word nuggets to
your.match@guardian.co.uk. The best will be published on Monday.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: David Baugh's question about whether or not applauding the
decision of the referee is defined anywhere in the applicable
regulations as dissent. Yes it is. I refer you to Law 12, which deals
with cautionable offences: 'A player is cautioned and shown the
yellow card if he shows dissent by word or action'." - Mike Knowles
[Yah, boo sucks! In your face, Baugh - Fiver Ed].
"Tom Betts said he spent a total of 22 euros on tickets for three Big
Cup games at the San Siro. Why, when he could have paid just GBP10 to
see Leeds United reserves v Bolton reserves at the South Leeds
stadium instead. What's that all about?" - Tim Williams.
"Re: the Peter Crouch GTFABM fad amongst commentators. While watching
Betis v Liverpool on Brazilian TV, the ESPN commentator made a
near-perfect translation to Portuguese: 'Ele tem um toque muito bom
para um homen tao grande'. Can other readers confirm other
'sightings' of the phrase and help the Fiver compile a completely
pointless collection?" - Steve Wingrove, Sao Paulo.
"Why is it that when Michael Owen fails to control the ball,
commentators never say he has a bad touch for a small man?" - Simon
Vaughan.
"Surely there are many soccer fans like me who would like to see more
goals per game. Has anybody suggested making the goal area smaller to
limit the distance the goalie can come out to interrupt play, or my
preference: adopt an offside system like ice-hockey, where once the
opposition legally crosses the opponents' blue line everything goes -
even sounds exciting doesn't it? Is soccer too old/stubborn to even
TRY some changes? They changed curling, mainly for the fans, and it's
a LOT better" - Alan Skrepnek, Canada. [This is going to get ugly -
Fiver Ed].
"Re: Mark Viduka. Every time you give him the 10 bellies call he goes
out and sticks it in the back of the net. Australia have a vital
World Cup qualifier on November 16. Can you please give him the
Nescafe treatment the day before. Give Harry a serve too" - Andrew
Delaney, Melbourne.
"I'm not sure what's more strange: Bob Carolgees taking Bolton into
Europe or his pet dog scoring their first goal" - Alex Wharton.
"I live in Bulgaria and can assure your readers that Bolton struggling
to beat Plovdiv is a very poor result. The combined value of
Lokomotiv Plovdiv wouldn't keep Big Sam in pies" - Gus Worth.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. We reserve
the right to rescind prizes and publish the email addresses of
plagiarists to mock, embarrass or humiliate them. Today's winner:
Alan Skrepnek.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
Not a faux pas, as such, but we're putting it in anyway because it's
equally mortifying.
Sky Sports 2: Live Football League: Preston NE v Stoke (7.30pm)
"Ten years ago, as a fresh-faced graduate, I was in my new suit on
Crewe train station platform waiting for the Intercity to London and
my first interview," explains latter-day Dick Whittington Dennis
Mead, recalling an exciting trip to Big Smoke in search of Big Job.
Soccer AM's All Sports Show (10pm)
"Maybe it was nerves, or just the early call of nature, that meant I
needed to 'make toilet', so I toddled off to the station bogs which
were on the opposite platform.
Sky Sports Extra: Big Cup highlights (11pm)
"Off I went, did my business and washed my hands ..."
British Eurosport: Euro Vase 'highlights': Hibs v Dnipro (7pm)
Good man.
Live U17 Football: Uruguay v Mexico (8.15pm)
"... before walking all the way down the platform, under the tunnel
and back to my platform, which was fairly crowded.
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (11.30pm)
"I was stood there on my own when an elderly lady tapped me on the
shoulder. I turned around and in the kindest possible voice she said:
'Excuse me young man, but you have some paper hanging from your
jacket'.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"I looked down and there was a six or seven-foot long strip of soiled
bog-roll trapped in my trousers, hanging down my leg and trailing
behind me.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"I shuffled along the platform ignoring as many smirks as possible
and deposited it in the bin."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Have your cheeks ever burned so crimson that they delighted
shepherds? If so, send your faux pas to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and
put He's Behind Me, Isn't He? in the subject bar. And keep it clean -
we mean the cheeks on your face.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
MAMMA MIA FOR THE SOUL
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
16 September 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Tabloid Wayne and Craig Bellamy
* * * * * * * * * * * *
PRESS GANGED
When the Fiver reads comment pieces in which English football writers
criticise Tabloid Wayne for being a boorish, snarling, foul-mouthed,
ill-mannered, immature and aggressive lout, the words "pot" and
"kettle" invariably spring to mind. After all, Tabloid Wayne is good
at something and has time on his side, while the pompous
pulpit-bashers who condemn him are often middle-aged, semi-literate
drunks, whose yobbish behaviour ensures they remain as popular in
press boxes around the world as bottles of sparkling water at a
drinks reception for the England cricket team.
And while it's not often the Fiver agrees with anything Sir Alex
Ferguson has to say, we couldn't help but agree with him when he
declared that he wasn't shocked by the hysterical media reaction to
Tabloid Wayne's Big Cup dismissal on Wednesday night. "I think he's
such a high-profile player that we are not surprised, not at all.
That's the way of the world. They did it with Gascoigne, they did it
with Beckham, they did it with Best. It's just the nature of the
press," he explained wearily, as assembled hacks tried, and failed,
to summon up the courage to applaud sarcastically.
But while Fergie is confident Tabloid Wayne "will put in a
performance" against Liverpool "because he's been doing that all the
time for us", he will be forced to do without nails-hard Argentine
full-back Gabriel Heinze, who has knacked his knee. "He has damaged
his cruciate ligament and will be out for most of the season,"
declared Fergie, patiently taking time to spell c-r-u-c-i-a-t-e for
his grunting audience. But with Gary Neville and Wes Brown injured,
and Jonathan Spector's defensive wall of sound currently on loan at
Charlton, Kieran Richardson looks set to fill the left-back berth at
Anfield on Sunday. What price more sarcastic applause from the
self-appointed "wags" in the Kop, the first time he completes a
successful back-pass this weekend?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Stand your ground and prepare for a ruck in Green Street, a thrilling
film about friendship and violence within a football firm. Cinemas
now.
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;19332407;11783628;i?http://www.yahoo.co.uk/greenstreet
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Some people say he has never won anything but he has done a lot. He
has won the Championship title, a play-off final, and we have
finished seventh in the Premiership" - Charlton chairman Richard
Murray explains why Alan Curbishley should be the next England
manager. The Fiver remembers Sunderland finishing seventh. Peter
Reid, anyone?
*********************
IN THE BLACKEYE OF A STORM
The Fiver would be out of business (good business, eh? Giving stuff
away for free) if football was populated by a million Paul Scholeses.
So thank God, then, for the likes of Craig Bellamy and Graeme Souness
- two walking wells of petrol who, over the years, have unfailingly
fuelled your daily Molotov cocktail of vaguely footy-related
chit-chat. So let's hail these rowdy heroes and, since Bellamy has
recovered from a hamstring injury and will play against Newcastle
United Comedy Club on Sunday, prepare for a mighty explosion.
The last team any manager wants to meet when they've an injury list
longer than a bore's story is Blackeye Rovers, but Souness will have
to worry not just for his players, but also about copping an elbow
himself - smack bang in the ego. As the mastermind behind a side that
has mustered just one goal in five league games this season, the
gruff Scot will be made to look as inept as an agoraphobic astronaut
if Bellamy, the striker he ran out of Toon last January but who still
finished the season as the club's joint-top Premiership scorer (with
a stupendous seven goals), grabs the winner.
"Craig is a very good player, he's one we know well," Souness reasoned
today. "But obviously there is more than Craig in the team that can
hurt us," he added, possibly after spotting Robbie Savage, Paul
Dickov and Lucas Neill emerging from their local dojo. "I know some
people would love me to sit here and talk about Craig, but I'm not
going to do that," continued Souness in reference to the striker who
famously dubbed him a "liar".
Perhaps Souness can afford to be steely-nerved because conflict has
been a constant through his career. Or perhaps it's because he knows
that the last time he guided a team to 19th in the league - Blackeye
Rovers this time last year - he escaped the sack by incredibly being
offered an even higher-profile job?
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Joe Cole fears for his England World Cup place - providing they get
there, of course - and is angling for a move away from Chelsea.
The Blues may also have to do without William Gallas, who's had his
nose put out of joint by Jose Mourinho. But there's talk of a
soothing GBP14m move for Anderlecht's Vincent Kompany.
And Gary Megson will be handed his P45 the next time Nottingham Forest
lose. About 4.45pm tomorrow then.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Why Niall Quinn reckons the good outweighs the bad when it comes to
Wayne Rooney:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1571442,00.html
Is Wayne Rooney more trouble than he's worth? Vote in our daily poll:
football.guardian.co.uk/poll/0,12370,1571003,00.html
James Dart is eight points up already this season. Follow his weekend
tips here:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1570620,00.html
And make even more money with Dan Roebuck in Sort-of-Big Paper's new
betting column:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1571489,00.html
All the greatest internet sports games in one place? Flippin' sweet!
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Send us your Photoshopped Ashes pictures - win a GBP100 bet with Blue
Square: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1564562,00.html
And in tomorrow's GBP1.20 Guardian: an exclusive interview with Sami
Hyypia and Ashley Giles on how he celebrated the Ashes!
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Prince William will become president of the FA in May next year,
taking over from the Duke of York.
Meanwhile, the FA has confirmed it is "pushing ahead" with exploratory
talks about England bidding for the 2018 World Cup - but insists it
will not launch a dry run for the 2014 event.
The FA has also charged Luton boss Mike Newell with two counts of
using abusive and/or threatening words and/or behaviour to a match
official for his antics during Luton's 1-1 draw with Wolves. Busy day
at Soho Square, then.
Aston Villa's injury list is threatening to outstrip their teamsheet,
with Gavin McCann out for at least two games after knee surgery.
* * * * * * * * * *
CONTRIBUTE TO THE NEW-LOOK GUARDIAN SPORT SECTION!
* ASK THE EXPERT: Send your questions for the sports minister Richard
Caborn to expert@guardian.co.uk - and see his answers next Thursday
* YOUR MATCH REPORT: Things you've spotted watching your team this
week. Perhaps a tiny problem that drags players out of position and
snowballs into a serious flaw? Or maybe you can properly justify why
they should play a particular pairing up front - or at the back.
Whatever you've spotted send your 100-word nuggets to
your.match@guardian.co.uk. The best will be published on Monday.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: David Baugh's question about whether or not applauding the
decision of the referee is defined anywhere in the applicable
regulations as dissent. Yes it is. I refer you to Law 12, which deals
with cautionable offences: 'A player is cautioned and shown the
yellow card if he shows dissent by word or action'." - Mike Knowles
[Yah, boo sucks! In your face, Baugh - Fiver Ed].
"Tom Betts said he spent a total of 22 euros on tickets for three Big
Cup games at the San Siro. Why, when he could have paid just GBP10 to
see Leeds United reserves v Bolton reserves at the South Leeds
stadium instead. What's that all about?" - Tim Williams.
"Re: the Peter Crouch GTFABM fad amongst commentators. While watching
Betis v Liverpool on Brazilian TV, the ESPN commentator made a
near-perfect translation to Portuguese: 'Ele tem um toque muito bom
para um homen tao grande'. Can other readers confirm other
'sightings' of the phrase and help the Fiver compile a completely
pointless collection?" - Steve Wingrove, Sao Paulo.
"Why is it that when Michael Owen fails to control the ball,
commentators never say he has a bad touch for a small man?" - Simon
Vaughan.
"Surely there are many soccer fans like me who would like to see more
goals per game. Has anybody suggested making the goal area smaller to
limit the distance the goalie can come out to interrupt play, or my
preference: adopt an offside system like ice-hockey, where once the
opposition legally crosses the opponents' blue line everything goes -
even sounds exciting doesn't it? Is soccer too old/stubborn to even
TRY some changes? They changed curling, mainly for the fans, and it's
a LOT better" - Alan Skrepnek, Canada. [This is going to get ugly -
Fiver Ed].
"Re: Mark Viduka. Every time you give him the 10 bellies call he goes
out and sticks it in the back of the net. Australia have a vital
World Cup qualifier on November 16. Can you please give him the
Nescafe treatment the day before. Give Harry a serve too" - Andrew
Delaney, Melbourne.
"I'm not sure what's more strange: Bob Carolgees taking Bolton into
Europe or his pet dog scoring their first goal" - Alex Wharton.
"I live in Bulgaria and can assure your readers that Bolton struggling
to beat Plovdiv is a very poor result. The combined value of
Lokomotiv Plovdiv wouldn't keep Big Sam in pies" - Gus Worth.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. We reserve
the right to rescind prizes and publish the email addresses of
plagiarists to mock, embarrass or humiliate them. Today's winner:
Alan Skrepnek.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
Not a faux pas, as such, but we're putting it in anyway because it's
equally mortifying.
Sky Sports 2: Live Football League: Preston NE v Stoke (7.30pm)
"Ten years ago, as a fresh-faced graduate, I was in my new suit on
Crewe train station platform waiting for the Intercity to London and
my first interview," explains latter-day Dick Whittington Dennis
Mead, recalling an exciting trip to Big Smoke in search of Big Job.
Soccer AM's All Sports Show (10pm)
"Maybe it was nerves, or just the early call of nature, that meant I
needed to 'make toilet', so I toddled off to the station bogs which
were on the opposite platform.
Sky Sports Extra: Big Cup highlights (11pm)
"Off I went, did my business and washed my hands ..."
British Eurosport: Euro Vase 'highlights': Hibs v Dnipro (7pm)
Good man.
Live U17 Football: Uruguay v Mexico (8.15pm)
"... before walking all the way down the platform, under the tunnel
and back to my platform, which was fairly crowded.
Bravo: Gazzetta Football Italia (11.30pm)
"I was stood there on my own when an elderly lady tapped me on the
shoulder. I turned around and in the kindest possible voice she said:
'Excuse me young man, but you have some paper hanging from your
jacket'.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"I looked down and there was a six or seven-foot long strip of soiled
bog-roll trapped in my trousers, hanging down my leg and trailing
behind me.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"I shuffled along the platform ignoring as many smirks as possible
and deposited it in the bin."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Have your cheeks ever burned so crimson that they delighted
shepherds? If so, send your faux pas to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and
put He's Behind Me, Isn't He? in the subject bar. And keep it clean -
we mean the cheeks on your face.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
MAMMA MIA FOR THE SOUL
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.