Post by Salem6 on Sept 9, 2005 17:27:59 GMT
The Fiver
09 September 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Moustachioed
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE CHANGING FIVER
Forget Big Paper and its eagerly-anticipated redesign as Medium-Sized
Paper, these are exciting times at Fiver Towers too. Why? Because
today sees the start of the largest integrated promotional campaign
in the Fiver's history, as we prepare for the launch of the new
Berliner Fiver on Monday.
Bigger than a betting-slip but smaller than a medium-sized Indian
restaurant, the new Berliner Fiver's unique selling point is that it
will be completely identical to the old non-Berliner Fiver, featuring
the same antiquated masthead, unimaginative font, dizzying array of
misspellings and typographical errors, not to mention the usual
coterie of lame gags, bad puns, factual errors and smug, patronising,
holier-than-Rio comment. Except for one small thing - it'll be
written by moustachioed Germans who'll be so stereotypically
efficient that they'll dispatch it by 10am every morning and deal
largely in stories about saurkraut, lederhosen and Mary Shelley's
Oliver Kahn.
Which should come as a relief to cricket-loving England football
manager Sven-Goran Eriksson, who was conspicuous by his absence from
The Oval today after cancelling a trip to the fifth Test for fear of
incurring the very vocal wrath of thousands of the Barmy Army. But if
he's lost the support of the public, it's good to see that the
beleaguered Swede has at least got the support of his Premiership
counterparts and peers. "Sam [Allardyce] wants the job and the Bolton
chairman knows it," Big Sam's agent Mark Curtis told the BBC today,
while his one-time right-hand man, Derby boss Phil Brown agreed:
"There would be no better man to replace Eriksson. Sam would have no
problems dropping big-name players."
And while the prospect of seeing Rio Ferdinand and Michael Owen making
way for Bruno N'Gotty and Kevin Davies in the England team is an
appealing one, we don't really have time to dwell on it as we're well
into the last paragraph and still haven't mentioned Arsene Wenger's
take on the Sven situation: "It would be madness to let him go now,"
he said. "Like the new Berliner Fiver, Sven's England is emulating
and even exceeding the excitement generated by the Independent's
relaunch," he didn't quite continue.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Stand your ground and prepare for a ruck in 'Green Street', a
thrilling film about friendship and violence within a football firm.
Cinemas September 9:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;19332407;11783628;i?http://www.yahoo.co.uk/greenstreet
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We are British, and we are now in danger of acting the way the Latins
- in all due respect - have reacted in the last 20 years about their
football; you know, we really have to get real" - cunningly
concealing his delight at having the heat taken off him for the past
fortnight, NUCC boss Graeme Souness manages to back Sven, slam his
critics, and denounce 'the Latins' in one go.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
After Guus Hiddink and Jo Bonfrere, South Korea will continue their
preference for going Dutch by appointing Dick Advocaat as their new
coach.
Luis Boa Morte may have signed a new five-year deal, but Fulham boss
Chris Coleman still won't stand in the way of a "ridiculous" bid for
his skipper.
And Exeter City manager Alex Inglethorpe is in pole position to take
charge of Plymouth.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE NEW-LOOK GUARDIAN SPORT SECTION? HERE'S HOW!
* ASK THE EXPERT: Stepping up to the plate to answer your questions
this week is David Morgan, the chairman of the England and Wales
Cricket Board. Quiz him about the Ashes or English cricket in general
by emailing expert@guardian.co.uk before Monday lunchtime. See his
answers on Thursday.
* LETTERS: Have your say about sporting issues of the day, or tell us
what you think about the Guardian's sport coverage. The best will be
published in the paper; send your thoughts to
sport.letters@guardian.co.uk.
* YOUR MATCH REPORT: Spotted something about your team that no one
else has? Maybe a tiny problem that drags players out of position and
snowballs into a serious flaw? Or maybe you can properly justify why
they should play a particular pairing up front - or at the back.
Whatever you've spotted, the Guardian sportsdesk is waiting to be
impressed: send your 100-word observations to
your.match@guardian.co.uk. The best will be published.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Should Sven be sacked? Vote now:
football.guardian.co.uk/poll/0,12370,1566541,00.html
Exclusive: Ruud Gullit chews the fat over God, the Devil and Diego
Maradona with Small Talk:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1565756,00.html
"Wednesday's meltdown indicates beyond reasonable doubt that he has
taken the squad as far as he can and that his successor must be ready
for a blazer-fitting next July" - Richard Williams on why Sven's time
is up:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1565999,00.html
"Given a bit of luck, England have as good a chance as anyone of
winning the World Cup" - Mike Adamson on why Sven should stay:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1566452,00.html
Niall Quinn - England need a coach that shows some passion on the
sidelines:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1565980,00.html
Take the bookies to the cleaners with our top tips for the weekend's
action:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1565462,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
MU Rowdiebacks suits hope to capitalise on their Far East support by
signing a new sponsorship deal with Air Asia.
"C'mon Kevin, Lisbie having you," announced Norwich director Delia
Smith upon hearing her beloved Canaries have signed the Charlton
forward on a month's loan.
Sven's former PA Faria Alam has lost her claims of sexual
discrimination and sexual harrassment against the FA and executive
director David Davies.
And five Serie B matches scheduled for tomorrow have been postponed
after city chiefs refused to support Saturday kick-off times instead
of their traditional Sunday slot.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Chris Nickson's request for the name of the last English manager
that achieved international success of note (yesterday's Fiver).
Lawrie Sanchez, anyone?" - Andrew Tracey.
"I don't care any more. I don't. After suffering through World Cup
qualifiers since 1960, this is just another bump in the road. We will
qualify, but if there is anything worse than failing to qualify it's
failing in the finals, and we will do that too" - Larry Garner. [You
don't say where you're from, Larry, but we're guessing you must be
Spanish - Fiver Ed].
"I see Sam Allardyce wants to be the next England manager. Although
his favoured long-ball tactics would give England some continuity, is
Big Sam aware he's won't be able to bring Zinedine Zidane in from
France on a one-year loan?" - Allan Barrow.
"I think it is very sad that the national media can only talk about
the game on Wednesday in terms of England's defeat, rather than
Northern Ireland One-Nil's victory. It was a fantastic coup pulled
off by a British team and it should be celebrated. Instead we only
saw the biased views of a supposedly representative media, as
Northern Ireland were talked about as if they were a foreign country.
Then all attention turned to cricket" - Derek, Belfast.
"I've lost count of the number of commentators I've heard trot out the
line about Rio Ferdinand being the best defender in the world. Does
anyone seriously believe this? MU Red Sox fans? Anyone? I'd genuinely
like to know" - Matt Simmons.
"Coming after David James's 'I didn't prepare properly', shouldn't
Sven's 'we looked for our spirit at half-time and didn't find it'
precipitate a similar response from his employers?" - Paul Smith.
"It's good to see a Fiver reader back their words with real actions.
After reading his rallying call for fans to get behind the national
team yesterday, I am now following Doug English's example ...
although it may start yet another club v country debate" - Daniel
Arsenal.
"Re: Eriksson. Perhaps you should try what we Americans do with our
dismal failures. Just what is the English equivalent of the
presidential medal of freedom?" - Steve Dahlgren, Virginia.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. We reserve
the right to rescind prizes and publish the email addresses of
plagiarists to mock, embarrass or humiliate them. Today's winner:
Daniel Arsenal.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Channel 4: Today At The Test (7.35pm)
"A friend of mine, a struggling actor, is currently 'resting' and
keeping the wolf from the door by working on the stage door at a West
End theatre," mwah-mwah's Alex Gale, bringing a touch of much-needed
thespian dahling-do to our tales of your most excruciating faux pas.
Sky One: Moments That Shook Sport (9pm)
"He regularly has to deal with luvvie types visiting their mates, and
the other day comedian Jenny Eclair turned up to see her friend Linda
Robson (ex-Birds Of A Feather), who's in the show. As Linda wasn't
in, my friend told Jenny to come back after the performance.
Sky Sports 1: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (4.30am)
"When the show ended, Jenny came back to the stage door. She asked my
friend if he'd told Linda she'd been in the audience.
Sky Sports 2: Premier League Preview (7pm)
"He'd only left her a note, but said he would give her dressing room
a call and let her know Ms Eclair was back again.
Fifa Futbol Mundial (1.30am)
"So he picks up the phone and calls Linda Robson's dressing room: 'Hi
Linda, I've got Jenny Eclair here for you. She wants to know where
you want to go for dinner'.
Talksport: Kick-off (7pm)
"At which point a surprised looking Jenny Eclair leans forward and
politely says: 'No love, I'm not Jenny Eclair ... I'm Sue Pollard'."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
An honest mistake, we're saying, but embarrassing nonetheless. If
you've made a fool of yourself in public with an ill-advised faux
pas, we want to hear about it. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk and put
TAXI! In the subject bar.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE EXPECT WEISSBIER AND BRATWURST ON MONDAY
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
09 September 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Moustachioed
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE CHANGING FIVER
Forget Big Paper and its eagerly-anticipated redesign as Medium-Sized
Paper, these are exciting times at Fiver Towers too. Why? Because
today sees the start of the largest integrated promotional campaign
in the Fiver's history, as we prepare for the launch of the new
Berliner Fiver on Monday.
Bigger than a betting-slip but smaller than a medium-sized Indian
restaurant, the new Berliner Fiver's unique selling point is that it
will be completely identical to the old non-Berliner Fiver, featuring
the same antiquated masthead, unimaginative font, dizzying array of
misspellings and typographical errors, not to mention the usual
coterie of lame gags, bad puns, factual errors and smug, patronising,
holier-than-Rio comment. Except for one small thing - it'll be
written by moustachioed Germans who'll be so stereotypically
efficient that they'll dispatch it by 10am every morning and deal
largely in stories about saurkraut, lederhosen and Mary Shelley's
Oliver Kahn.
Which should come as a relief to cricket-loving England football
manager Sven-Goran Eriksson, who was conspicuous by his absence from
The Oval today after cancelling a trip to the fifth Test for fear of
incurring the very vocal wrath of thousands of the Barmy Army. But if
he's lost the support of the public, it's good to see that the
beleaguered Swede has at least got the support of his Premiership
counterparts and peers. "Sam [Allardyce] wants the job and the Bolton
chairman knows it," Big Sam's agent Mark Curtis told the BBC today,
while his one-time right-hand man, Derby boss Phil Brown agreed:
"There would be no better man to replace Eriksson. Sam would have no
problems dropping big-name players."
And while the prospect of seeing Rio Ferdinand and Michael Owen making
way for Bruno N'Gotty and Kevin Davies in the England team is an
appealing one, we don't really have time to dwell on it as we're well
into the last paragraph and still haven't mentioned Arsene Wenger's
take on the Sven situation: "It would be madness to let him go now,"
he said. "Like the new Berliner Fiver, Sven's England is emulating
and even exceeding the excitement generated by the Independent's
relaunch," he didn't quite continue.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Stand your ground and prepare for a ruck in 'Green Street', a
thrilling film about friendship and violence within a football firm.
Cinemas September 9:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;19332407;11783628;i?http://www.yahoo.co.uk/greenstreet
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We are British, and we are now in danger of acting the way the Latins
- in all due respect - have reacted in the last 20 years about their
football; you know, we really have to get real" - cunningly
concealing his delight at having the heat taken off him for the past
fortnight, NUCC boss Graeme Souness manages to back Sven, slam his
critics, and denounce 'the Latins' in one go.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
After Guus Hiddink and Jo Bonfrere, South Korea will continue their
preference for going Dutch by appointing Dick Advocaat as their new
coach.
Luis Boa Morte may have signed a new five-year deal, but Fulham boss
Chris Coleman still won't stand in the way of a "ridiculous" bid for
his skipper.
And Exeter City manager Alex Inglethorpe is in pole position to take
charge of Plymouth.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE NEW-LOOK GUARDIAN SPORT SECTION? HERE'S HOW!
* ASK THE EXPERT: Stepping up to the plate to answer your questions
this week is David Morgan, the chairman of the England and Wales
Cricket Board. Quiz him about the Ashes or English cricket in general
by emailing expert@guardian.co.uk before Monday lunchtime. See his
answers on Thursday.
* LETTERS: Have your say about sporting issues of the day, or tell us
what you think about the Guardian's sport coverage. The best will be
published in the paper; send your thoughts to
sport.letters@guardian.co.uk.
* YOUR MATCH REPORT: Spotted something about your team that no one
else has? Maybe a tiny problem that drags players out of position and
snowballs into a serious flaw? Or maybe you can properly justify why
they should play a particular pairing up front - or at the back.
Whatever you've spotted, the Guardian sportsdesk is waiting to be
impressed: send your 100-word observations to
your.match@guardian.co.uk. The best will be published.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Should Sven be sacked? Vote now:
football.guardian.co.uk/poll/0,12370,1566541,00.html
Exclusive: Ruud Gullit chews the fat over God, the Devil and Diego
Maradona with Small Talk:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1565756,00.html
"Wednesday's meltdown indicates beyond reasonable doubt that he has
taken the squad as far as he can and that his successor must be ready
for a blazer-fitting next July" - Richard Williams on why Sven's time
is up:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1565999,00.html
"Given a bit of luck, England have as good a chance as anyone of
winning the World Cup" - Mike Adamson on why Sven should stay:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1566452,00.html
Niall Quinn - England need a coach that shows some passion on the
sidelines:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1565980,00.html
Take the bookies to the cleaners with our top tips for the weekend's
action:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1565462,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
MU Rowdiebacks suits hope to capitalise on their Far East support by
signing a new sponsorship deal with Air Asia.
"C'mon Kevin, Lisbie having you," announced Norwich director Delia
Smith upon hearing her beloved Canaries have signed the Charlton
forward on a month's loan.
Sven's former PA Faria Alam has lost her claims of sexual
discrimination and sexual harrassment against the FA and executive
director David Davies.
And five Serie B matches scheduled for tomorrow have been postponed
after city chiefs refused to support Saturday kick-off times instead
of their traditional Sunday slot.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Chris Nickson's request for the name of the last English manager
that achieved international success of note (yesterday's Fiver).
Lawrie Sanchez, anyone?" - Andrew Tracey.
"I don't care any more. I don't. After suffering through World Cup
qualifiers since 1960, this is just another bump in the road. We will
qualify, but if there is anything worse than failing to qualify it's
failing in the finals, and we will do that too" - Larry Garner. [You
don't say where you're from, Larry, but we're guessing you must be
Spanish - Fiver Ed].
"I see Sam Allardyce wants to be the next England manager. Although
his favoured long-ball tactics would give England some continuity, is
Big Sam aware he's won't be able to bring Zinedine Zidane in from
France on a one-year loan?" - Allan Barrow.
"I think it is very sad that the national media can only talk about
the game on Wednesday in terms of England's defeat, rather than
Northern Ireland One-Nil's victory. It was a fantastic coup pulled
off by a British team and it should be celebrated. Instead we only
saw the biased views of a supposedly representative media, as
Northern Ireland were talked about as if they were a foreign country.
Then all attention turned to cricket" - Derek, Belfast.
"I've lost count of the number of commentators I've heard trot out the
line about Rio Ferdinand being the best defender in the world. Does
anyone seriously believe this? MU Red Sox fans? Anyone? I'd genuinely
like to know" - Matt Simmons.
"Coming after David James's 'I didn't prepare properly', shouldn't
Sven's 'we looked for our spirit at half-time and didn't find it'
precipitate a similar response from his employers?" - Paul Smith.
"It's good to see a Fiver reader back their words with real actions.
After reading his rallying call for fans to get behind the national
team yesterday, I am now following Doug English's example ...
although it may start yet another club v country debate" - Daniel
Arsenal.
"Re: Eriksson. Perhaps you should try what we Americans do with our
dismal failures. Just what is the English equivalent of the
presidential medal of freedom?" - Steve Dahlgren, Virginia.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. We reserve
the right to rescind prizes and publish the email addresses of
plagiarists to mock, embarrass or humiliate them. Today's winner:
Daniel Arsenal.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Channel 4: Today At The Test (7.35pm)
"A friend of mine, a struggling actor, is currently 'resting' and
keeping the wolf from the door by working on the stage door at a West
End theatre," mwah-mwah's Alex Gale, bringing a touch of much-needed
thespian dahling-do to our tales of your most excruciating faux pas.
Sky One: Moments That Shook Sport (9pm)
"He regularly has to deal with luvvie types visiting their mates, and
the other day comedian Jenny Eclair turned up to see her friend Linda
Robson (ex-Birds Of A Feather), who's in the show. As Linda wasn't
in, my friend told Jenny to come back after the performance.
Sky Sports 1: Soccer AM's All Sports Show (4.30am)
"When the show ended, Jenny came back to the stage door. She asked my
friend if he'd told Linda she'd been in the audience.
Sky Sports 2: Premier League Preview (7pm)
"He'd only left her a note, but said he would give her dressing room
a call and let her know Ms Eclair was back again.
Fifa Futbol Mundial (1.30am)
"So he picks up the phone and calls Linda Robson's dressing room: 'Hi
Linda, I've got Jenny Eclair here for you. She wants to know where
you want to go for dinner'.
Talksport: Kick-off (7pm)
"At which point a surprised looking Jenny Eclair leans forward and
politely says: 'No love, I'm not Jenny Eclair ... I'm Sue Pollard'."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
An honest mistake, we're saying, but embarrassing nonetheless. If
you've made a fool of yourself in public with an ill-advised faux
pas, we want to hear about it. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk and put
TAXI! In the subject bar.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE EXPECT WEISSBIER AND BRATWURST ON MONDAY
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.