Post by Salem6 on Sept 2, 2005 16:05:54 GMT
The Fiver
02 September 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Best of Friends,
and Sworn Enemies
* * * * * * * * * * * *
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Never mind Damon Dash, the next time Victoria Beckham attempts to
revive what passes for her singing career she should look to her
husband for trendiness-by-association musical kudos. For this morning
the England skipper could be heard giving a note-perfect rendition of
an old Aretha Franklin classic when he called upon hacks covering
tomorrow's McDonalds Fuji Mastercard Starbucks Fiver Shell Vodafone
World Cup qualifier between Wales and England to "show a little bit
more respect" to Sven-Goran Eriksson.
With speculation abounding that Sven will field a 4-5-1 formation
because his senior players told him to, Beckham was quick to - sock
it to them, sock it to them, sock it to them, sock it to them - deny
anything of the sort. "This whole player power thing has come up this
week but it's nothing to do with that," he mwa-ha-ha-ed, while
stroking a middle-aged Swede that was curled up on his lap. [Careful
- Fiver Ed]. "It happens all the time - if the manager decides he
wants a meeting with the players to discuss different formations or
ways of playing he calls a meeting. I think a little bit more respect
has to be shown to the manager." Just a little bit. Ooh! Etc.
And while Sven may appear to do little to earn his GBP5m-per-year
salary, Beckham went to great lengths to convince the assembled press
corps that he's definitely earned our respect. "He [Eriksson] picks
the team and formations. He discusses things with players and players
appreciate that, but the final decision is down to him." Quizzed on
the matter himself, Sven was happy to read from a script drafted by
Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard moments earlier: "Since 1976 I've
had meetings with my players and if I don't talk to them, who do I
talk do?" he inquired, as the Fiver's Welsh cousin,
Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwyrndrobwllynyngofod Fiver, elicited
raucous guffaws among the press corps by shouting: "Faria Alam! On
your mobile phone!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"In my opinion, Michael is a good player. He had a good season last
year despite not starting a lot of games, but with a team such as
Real Madrid - who are always attacking - you will always score goals
because you will have a lot of opportunities" - Rafa Benitez's not
too disappointed to miss out on Michael Owen, is he?
*********************
LEHMANN V KAHN: ROUND 666
Being forced to play nothing but friendlies in the run-up to the
Volkswagen Alcopop Bratwurst World Cup clearly hasn't blunted
Germany's competitive edge. Not that of goalkeeper Jens Lehmann,
anyway. Back in the national squad for tomorrow's limb-stretcher
against Slovakia - having been omitted from the last one because
coach Jurgen Klinsmann now alternates between Lehmann and Mary
Shelley's Oliver Kahn in a bid to keep the two sworn enemies apart
(apparently in the futile hope that they'll have forgotten their
differences by next summer) - the Arsenal No1 took yet another tilt
at his blockheaded foe.
"I'm sure I'll be in goal at the World Cup," Lehmann parped, before
admitting that while Kahn may not be good enough to keep him out, he
himself may squander his place through a characteristic madcap dash
from his box. "It could always happen that I play the first three
games, then get a red card, but I'm sure I'll be playing."
Lehmann clearly enjoys lampooning Kahn, never more so than last year
when he poured gallons of his own scorn onto the fire of condemnation
that engulfed Kahn when tabloids revealed he'd left his pregnant wife
for a barmaid ten years his junior. "Lehmann can't cope with being
No2, he doesn't seem to be able to live with it," retorted Kahn at
the time, before warning: "the direction he's going in is insane."
Today, the square-haired stopper simply sounded exasperated: "It's
astonishing how disrespectful it is to bring this rivalry up again,"
he gnashed. "The rules don't seem to have any meaning for Lehmann."
Kahn then called on Klinsmann to decide which keeper is his top choice
now - and cast the other one into oblivion. Perhaps not the wisest
move given that Klinsmann's first decision after becoming German
manager was to strip Kahn of the captaincy and award it to Michael
Ballack. For the moment, though, Klinsi's staying true to his
reputation as a Beetle-driving, daisy-chain-making, peace-and-love
merchant, quietly assuring that "both men will get their chance, this
will be decided in May." When, presumably, the two men will be given
muskets and a ten-second countdown.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Deportivo La Coruna president Augusto Cesar Lendoiro has revealed he
turned down a GBP6m bid from THFC for sulky striker Diego Tristan.
Thierry Henry is so aghast at Arsenal's failure to strengthen their
squad he's thinking of leaving. Sounds like the new Gunners' captain
is filling Patrick Vieira's boots perfectly, then.
And Gordon Strachan is planning a Christmas trip to Bulgaria, where
he'll wrap up a deal for Slavia Sofia's Blagov Georgiev.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Become an instant expert on the Africa World Cup qualifiers, with Paul
Doyle's lowdown:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1561401,00.html
In praise of Newcastle, but one-time Sunderland favourite, Niall
Quinn:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1561247,00.html
Our gambling guru, James Dart, is already eight points up this season.
Follow his latest bets here:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1561476,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Wigan chairman Dave Whelan has denied his GBP10m bid for Michael Owen
was a publicity stunt. "I was even prepared to put a clause in that
would allow him to move at Christmas," he added. "Michael rang to say
thanks for trying to sign him. Ringing up was a wonderful gesture."
Sepp Blatter has urged the FA to submit a bid for England to host the
2018 World Cup. "They should bid," Fifa's head honcho said today.
"England is the homeland of football."
Leeds goalkeeper Neil Sullivan, 35, has agreed a new deal that will
keep him at Elland Road until the end of next season.
And Middlesbrough winger Stewart Downing has been ruled out for at
least three months after undergoing surgery on his gammy knee.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Ben Turrell's assertion that the Fiver 'perhaps doesn't
understand what football means to people up north' and his citing of
London grounds as being 'silent, lifeless and dreary places'. Has
Middlesbrough got it's own Tube station these days?" - Adam Mansell.
"What a shock to hear NUCC fan Ben Turrell try to deny the fickleness
and gullibility of Newcastle fans by going on about how passionate
they are. I wonder if Ben turned up when his team were languishing in
the old Second Division, when the club regularly failed to fill their
stadium?" - Conor McKeating.
"I'd like to point out that the Aston Villa calendar rivals
Newcastle's for most useless end of year. October features Nobby
Solano, followed by Thomas Hitzlsperger in November, finishing (which
is something he never managed to do) with Carlton Cole. What sort of
club puts a player who was on a season-long loan as their Mr
December?" - Simon Barron.
"Re: Ian Theodore's letter in yesterday's Fiver. I don't think the
fact that Liverpool will be European capital of culture will be a
major factor in Owen going back there. If he liked culture why would
he swap Madrid for Newcastle, when he could have moved to the current
capital of culture, Cork City? At least they'd be able to offer him
European football" - Enda O'Boyle.
"Could you please give a mention to Back the Bees week and ask that
people text 'bees' to 83338 on their mobile phones in order to help
save Brentford FC and its 120 years of history (see here:
www.beesunited.org.uk/downloads/textmessage.pdf)" - Teresa
Wellesley.
"I see that the Guardian will launch its smaller (ie easier to read on
the train/bus/toilet etc) Berliner newspaper format in a few weeks.
Apparently there'll be a new typeface and it'll be full-colour
blah-de-blah. Can we expect similar whiz-bang changes to the tired
Fiver format? Perhaps you can jazz it up with some Wingdings fonts
and a splash of colour?" - Adrian Johnson.
"Middlesbrough's latest signing Fabio Rochemback has pledged to make
the same impact at the Riverside Stadium as Juninho. Does that mean
he will leave three times, break a leg and end up playing in Spain?"
- Frankie Volley.
"With Beckham set to play as England's Claude Makaelele, Rio Ferdinand
might be right about England being 'like a wounded animal' against
Wales. A lame duck, anyone?" - James Lawless.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. We reserve
the right to rescind prizes and publish the email addresses of
plagiarists to mock, embarrass or humiliate them. Today's winner:
Enda O'Boyle.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: Out Of The Bunker (9pm)
"I once attended a drum'n'bass night where Bristol-based DJ legend
Roni Size was the star turn for the evening," shouts Hugo Gallery,
setting the scene for today's excruciating public faux pas ...
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
... over a throbbing bassline and relentless loop-ridden
bam-bada-bam-bada-bam-bam beat.
Wales U21s v England U21s (7.30pm)
"Being a Bristolian in Bristol, I had been drinking cider all
afternoon and was insanely drunk." Ooh arr, the soothing caress of
the electric apple-juice.
Scotland U21s v Italy U21s (10pm)
"At some point during Mr Size's set, he stopped the music and
requested that the crowd acknowledge one minute's silence for
recently deceased drum'n'bass-merchant DJ Chemistry, who had
tragically died in a car crash."
Soccer AM's All Sports Show (11pm)
A minute's silence at a jungle extravaganza? Now there's a public
faux pas. But we reckon Hugo's not here to embarrass Roni Size ...
International Football (1am)
"Around 30 seconds into the minute, I sensed a circle of space around
me on the dance floor and found myself shouting: 'STAND BACK! STAND
BACK! IT IS GOING TO BE EIGHT FOOT LONG!'"
Radio 5 Live: Sport On 5 (7pm)
"The bouncers quickly ejected me, mainly to prevent an angry mob of
drum'n'bass fans from teaching me a lesson I would not forget."
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"I have trawled my psyche to figure out what my outburst could
possibly have meant, but to this day I am none the wiser. It is the
most shameful act of disrespect I have ever committed and I still
feel guilty."
Newstalk 106FM: Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (www.newstalk106.ie)
(7pm)
Perhaps you'd just necked a small blue tablet, Hugo? If you've
committed a similarly shameful act of disrespect we want to hear
about it. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk and put A Chill Filled The
Room in the subject bar.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
MESSAGE TO FIRST BASE BAR IN AUCKLAND: SHOW IRELAND v FRANCE AND THE
TWO ALL-IRELAND FINALS, PLEASE. IT'S WHAT THE O'KIDS WANT
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
02 September 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Best of Friends,
and Sworn Enemies
* * * * * * * * * * * *
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Never mind Damon Dash, the next time Victoria Beckham attempts to
revive what passes for her singing career she should look to her
husband for trendiness-by-association musical kudos. For this morning
the England skipper could be heard giving a note-perfect rendition of
an old Aretha Franklin classic when he called upon hacks covering
tomorrow's McDonalds Fuji Mastercard Starbucks Fiver Shell Vodafone
World Cup qualifier between Wales and England to "show a little bit
more respect" to Sven-Goran Eriksson.
With speculation abounding that Sven will field a 4-5-1 formation
because his senior players told him to, Beckham was quick to - sock
it to them, sock it to them, sock it to them, sock it to them - deny
anything of the sort. "This whole player power thing has come up this
week but it's nothing to do with that," he mwa-ha-ha-ed, while
stroking a middle-aged Swede that was curled up on his lap. [Careful
- Fiver Ed]. "It happens all the time - if the manager decides he
wants a meeting with the players to discuss different formations or
ways of playing he calls a meeting. I think a little bit more respect
has to be shown to the manager." Just a little bit. Ooh! Etc.
And while Sven may appear to do little to earn his GBP5m-per-year
salary, Beckham went to great lengths to convince the assembled press
corps that he's definitely earned our respect. "He [Eriksson] picks
the team and formations. He discusses things with players and players
appreciate that, but the final decision is down to him." Quizzed on
the matter himself, Sven was happy to read from a script drafted by
Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard moments earlier: "Since 1976 I've
had meetings with my players and if I don't talk to them, who do I
talk do?" he inquired, as the Fiver's Welsh cousin,
Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwyrndrobwllynyngofod Fiver, elicited
raucous guffaws among the press corps by shouting: "Faria Alam! On
your mobile phone!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"In my opinion, Michael is a good player. He had a good season last
year despite not starting a lot of games, but with a team such as
Real Madrid - who are always attacking - you will always score goals
because you will have a lot of opportunities" - Rafa Benitez's not
too disappointed to miss out on Michael Owen, is he?
*********************
LEHMANN V KAHN: ROUND 666
Being forced to play nothing but friendlies in the run-up to the
Volkswagen Alcopop Bratwurst World Cup clearly hasn't blunted
Germany's competitive edge. Not that of goalkeeper Jens Lehmann,
anyway. Back in the national squad for tomorrow's limb-stretcher
against Slovakia - having been omitted from the last one because
coach Jurgen Klinsmann now alternates between Lehmann and Mary
Shelley's Oliver Kahn in a bid to keep the two sworn enemies apart
(apparently in the futile hope that they'll have forgotten their
differences by next summer) - the Arsenal No1 took yet another tilt
at his blockheaded foe.
"I'm sure I'll be in goal at the World Cup," Lehmann parped, before
admitting that while Kahn may not be good enough to keep him out, he
himself may squander his place through a characteristic madcap dash
from his box. "It could always happen that I play the first three
games, then get a red card, but I'm sure I'll be playing."
Lehmann clearly enjoys lampooning Kahn, never more so than last year
when he poured gallons of his own scorn onto the fire of condemnation
that engulfed Kahn when tabloids revealed he'd left his pregnant wife
for a barmaid ten years his junior. "Lehmann can't cope with being
No2, he doesn't seem to be able to live with it," retorted Kahn at
the time, before warning: "the direction he's going in is insane."
Today, the square-haired stopper simply sounded exasperated: "It's
astonishing how disrespectful it is to bring this rivalry up again,"
he gnashed. "The rules don't seem to have any meaning for Lehmann."
Kahn then called on Klinsmann to decide which keeper is his top choice
now - and cast the other one into oblivion. Perhaps not the wisest
move given that Klinsmann's first decision after becoming German
manager was to strip Kahn of the captaincy and award it to Michael
Ballack. For the moment, though, Klinsi's staying true to his
reputation as a Beetle-driving, daisy-chain-making, peace-and-love
merchant, quietly assuring that "both men will get their chance, this
will be decided in May." When, presumably, the two men will be given
muskets and a ten-second countdown.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Deportivo La Coruna president Augusto Cesar Lendoiro has revealed he
turned down a GBP6m bid from THFC for sulky striker Diego Tristan.
Thierry Henry is so aghast at Arsenal's failure to strengthen their
squad he's thinking of leaving. Sounds like the new Gunners' captain
is filling Patrick Vieira's boots perfectly, then.
And Gordon Strachan is planning a Christmas trip to Bulgaria, where
he'll wrap up a deal for Slavia Sofia's Blagov Georgiev.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Become an instant expert on the Africa World Cup qualifiers, with Paul
Doyle's lowdown:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1561401,00.html
In praise of Newcastle, but one-time Sunderland favourite, Niall
Quinn:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1561247,00.html
Our gambling guru, James Dart, is already eight points up this season.
Follow his latest bets here:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1561476,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Wigan chairman Dave Whelan has denied his GBP10m bid for Michael Owen
was a publicity stunt. "I was even prepared to put a clause in that
would allow him to move at Christmas," he added. "Michael rang to say
thanks for trying to sign him. Ringing up was a wonderful gesture."
Sepp Blatter has urged the FA to submit a bid for England to host the
2018 World Cup. "They should bid," Fifa's head honcho said today.
"England is the homeland of football."
Leeds goalkeeper Neil Sullivan, 35, has agreed a new deal that will
keep him at Elland Road until the end of next season.
And Middlesbrough winger Stewart Downing has been ruled out for at
least three months after undergoing surgery on his gammy knee.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Ben Turrell's assertion that the Fiver 'perhaps doesn't
understand what football means to people up north' and his citing of
London grounds as being 'silent, lifeless and dreary places'. Has
Middlesbrough got it's own Tube station these days?" - Adam Mansell.
"What a shock to hear NUCC fan Ben Turrell try to deny the fickleness
and gullibility of Newcastle fans by going on about how passionate
they are. I wonder if Ben turned up when his team were languishing in
the old Second Division, when the club regularly failed to fill their
stadium?" - Conor McKeating.
"I'd like to point out that the Aston Villa calendar rivals
Newcastle's for most useless end of year. October features Nobby
Solano, followed by Thomas Hitzlsperger in November, finishing (which
is something he never managed to do) with Carlton Cole. What sort of
club puts a player who was on a season-long loan as their Mr
December?" - Simon Barron.
"Re: Ian Theodore's letter in yesterday's Fiver. I don't think the
fact that Liverpool will be European capital of culture will be a
major factor in Owen going back there. If he liked culture why would
he swap Madrid for Newcastle, when he could have moved to the current
capital of culture, Cork City? At least they'd be able to offer him
European football" - Enda O'Boyle.
"Could you please give a mention to Back the Bees week and ask that
people text 'bees' to 83338 on their mobile phones in order to help
save Brentford FC and its 120 years of history (see here:
www.beesunited.org.uk/downloads/textmessage.pdf)" - Teresa
Wellesley.
"I see that the Guardian will launch its smaller (ie easier to read on
the train/bus/toilet etc) Berliner newspaper format in a few weeks.
Apparently there'll be a new typeface and it'll be full-colour
blah-de-blah. Can we expect similar whiz-bang changes to the tired
Fiver format? Perhaps you can jazz it up with some Wingdings fonts
and a splash of colour?" - Adrian Johnson.
"Middlesbrough's latest signing Fabio Rochemback has pledged to make
the same impact at the Riverside Stadium as Juninho. Does that mean
he will leave three times, break a leg and end up playing in Spain?"
- Frankie Volley.
"With Beckham set to play as England's Claude Makaelele, Rio Ferdinand
might be right about England being 'like a wounded animal' against
Wales. A lame duck, anyone?" - James Lawless.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. We reserve
the right to rescind prizes and publish the email addresses of
plagiarists to mock, embarrass or humiliate them. Today's winner:
Enda O'Boyle.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: Out Of The Bunker (9pm)
"I once attended a drum'n'bass night where Bristol-based DJ legend
Roni Size was the star turn for the evening," shouts Hugo Gallery,
setting the scene for today's excruciating public faux pas ...
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (7pm)
... over a throbbing bassline and relentless loop-ridden
bam-bada-bam-bada-bam-bam beat.
Wales U21s v England U21s (7.30pm)
"Being a Bristolian in Bristol, I had been drinking cider all
afternoon and was insanely drunk." Ooh arr, the soothing caress of
the electric apple-juice.
Scotland U21s v Italy U21s (10pm)
"At some point during Mr Size's set, he stopped the music and
requested that the crowd acknowledge one minute's silence for
recently deceased drum'n'bass-merchant DJ Chemistry, who had
tragically died in a car crash."
Soccer AM's All Sports Show (11pm)
A minute's silence at a jungle extravaganza? Now there's a public
faux pas. But we reckon Hugo's not here to embarrass Roni Size ...
International Football (1am)
"Around 30 seconds into the minute, I sensed a circle of space around
me on the dance floor and found myself shouting: 'STAND BACK! STAND
BACK! IT IS GOING TO BE EIGHT FOOT LONG!'"
Radio 5 Live: Sport On 5 (7pm)
"The bouncers quickly ejected me, mainly to prevent an angry mob of
drum'n'bass fans from teaching me a lesson I would not forget."
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"I have trawled my psyche to figure out what my outburst could
possibly have meant, but to this day I am none the wiser. It is the
most shameful act of disrespect I have ever committed and I still
feel guilty."
Newstalk 106FM: Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (www.newstalk106.ie)
(7pm)
Perhaps you'd just necked a small blue tablet, Hugo? If you've
committed a similarly shameful act of disrespect we want to hear
about it. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk and put A Chill Filled The
Room in the subject bar.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
MESSAGE TO FIRST BASE BAR IN AUCKLAND: SHOW IRELAND v FRANCE AND THE
TWO ALL-IRELAND FINALS, PLEASE. IT'S WHAT THE O'KIDS WANT
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.