Post by Salem6 on Sept 1, 2005 17:00:47 GMT
The Fiver
31 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Madness,
and nothing about King George or Suggs, sadly
* * * * * * * * * * * *
LOONY TOONS
Upon hearing that 20,000 Geordies had assembled inside St James's Park
today, the Fiver assumed it was a typically over-the-top send-off for
Jermaine Jenas, who'd just agreed to a GBP7m move to THFC. The truth
turned out to be even more disturbing: the gullible hordes had come
to welcome an England striker who only signed for them as a last
resort. Even more worrying was the sight of Sky Sports News presenter
Jim White abandoning any semblance of journalistic impartiality as he
whipped the aforementioned mob into a waheying frenzy in his role as
cheerleading MC for the latest gag-packed extravaganza at Newcastle
United Comedy Club.
"You've done so much in football but this must be one of your proudest
moments," simpered Jim to Magpies boss Graeme Souness, whose numerous
high-profile trophy wins as a player and manager (of other teams)
clearly pale into insignificance compared to securing a Real Madrid
reject nobody else wanted on a four-year deal. "We've really done the
business today," agreed Souey, adopting a turn of phrase not heard
around St James's Park for several months. "He was my first choice,
we've got him and the supporters will love him. He's an honest
up-front guy as well as a top-class footballer."
But while Owen may have been Newcastle's first choice, Newcastle
clearly wasn't Owen's. Nevertheless, the GBP16m signing credited the
assembled throng with the kind of gumption their presence in the
stadium suggested they clearly don't possess. "I had chats with lots
of teams. I spoke to Liverpool and unfortunately a deal couldn't come
off so that's life," he fronted-up honestly. "All you can do is look
to the future with Newcastle, and I hope to do really well in a black
and white shirt."
And as hordes of in-no-way-fickle Newcastle fans chanted the name of a
manager they wanted sacked as recently as last Sunday, the object of
their affections was quick to pay homage to the man who really runs
first-team affairs. "Alan [Shearer] reminded Michael he had this same
decision a decade ago when he left Blackburn and could have gone to
Manchester United. He chose Newcastle and look what it's done for
him," insisted Souness, presumably alluding to the extra low premiums
Shearer pays on insuring the contents of his trophy cabinet.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It's been a right hassle. I'd got really settled in Glasgow - it's a
great city. I loved the shopping and all the great restaurants and
bars. I'd only been there a month, but I was even already planning
our first Christmas in Scotland. I wanted to buy Jeremie a kilt and
make him wear it the traditional way" - Page 3 stunnah Leilani, 25,
from Bournemouth, speaks of her regret at quitting Scotland to follow
her other half, Jeremie Aliadiere, to West Ham.
*********************
DEADLINE DAY
Clunk! Screech! Ne-arrrrrr! Slam! Not just the sound of the Fiver's
souped-up Ford Capri - with added go-faster stripes - illegally
street racing around London, but the noise of the transfer window
preparing to jam shut, after a day of wheeling and dealing that
wouldn't embarrass a dope-peddling BMX biker. And, for a change, it
wasn't Arry Redknapp leading the pack, but THFC' Martin Jol.
The Tony Soprano lookalike woke up this morning and got himself a
midfielder, Newcastle's Jermaine Jenas. And a left-back, Lee
Young-pyo from PSV Eindhoven. Meanwhile, Jol was also busy palming
off Erik Edman to Rennes and Reto Ziegler to Hamburg (on loan). "I
have agreed with Reto that it will be good for him to go away and get
more experience," Jol bada-binged, before breathlessly reassuring
THFC fans worried about the club's lack of depth in midfield (only
17 players at the last count) that Lee "is also comfortable in
central midfield".
Elsewhere, the all-too-familiar scent of desperation was in the air.
Everton, for instance, thought nothing of signing knee-knacked Inter
winger Andy Van Der Meyde. Liverpool, meanwhile, were preparing to
spend silly money (GBP10m) on Benfica winger Simao Sabrosa, an
expensive flop at Barcelona four seasons ago. But, as of 5pm today,
no one could quite match the folly of Wigan who, having failed to
sign 36-year-old lardball Dean Windass, today blew GBP2m on
sour-faced Leicester striker David Connolly. "Wigan are a
forward-thinking and ambitious club with a great manager," said
Connolly, for once chuckling ... all the way to the bank.
For all the latest transfer gossip, click here:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1559879,00.html
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
While Newcastle wasn't Michael Owen's No1 option, it appears he wasn't
the Magpies' first choice either: Fernando Torres's agent claims the
Geordies offered Atletico Madrid GBP26m for the Spain international.
Out-of-contract former Ram Darryl Powell has been spotted with his
agent in the vicinity of Pride Park. His arrival could soften the
blow - only just - of losing striker Grzegorz Rasiak, who is due to
leave Derby for Wolves before tonight's transfer deadline.
And Southend also hope to tie up a last-minute deal to sign Junior
Agogo from Bristol Rovers.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
What's the most unlikely football bet to ever come off? Find out in
the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1559878,00.html
"In being the key figure in persuading Michael Owen to join Newcastle,
Alan Shearer has flexed managerial muscles for the second time this
summer" - Michael Walker on why you should never underestimate the
Shearer factor:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1559571,00.html
Dominic Fifield: a fallout from Rafa's summer of transfer frustration
is on the cards at Anfield:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1559567,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Michael Walker on 'Wor' Michael Owen's
north-east welcome and Robert Kitson on Harlequins' uncharted waters.
* * * * * * * * * * *
YOUR MATCH REPORT
Spotted something about your Premiership team that no one else has?
Maybe a tiny problem that drags players out of position? Or maybe you
can properly justify why they should play a particular pairing up
front - or at the back. Whatever you've spotted, the Guardian
sportsdesk is waiting to be impressed: send your 100-word
observations to your.match@guardian.co.uk. They'll publish the best
of them.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Northern Ireland Nil boss Lawrie Sanchez has sent home Jeff Whitley
and Philip Mulryne from the side's training camp for breaking a
curfew. The pair returned to their County Antrim hotel in the early
hours of this morning and will now play no part in the World Cup
qualifiers against Azerbaijan and England.
Dave Kitson has joined long-term Reading injury victim Steve Sidwell
on the sidelines, after suffering ankle ligament damage against
Burnley.
And Darren Potter has signed a new three-year contract at Liverpool.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WIN! WIN! WIN!
Share your image of the summer and win four VIP tickets to the fifth
day of the fourth Test at the Oval on 11 September. Send us a picture
which captures your summer by MMS or email and the best one could win
you tickets to this potentially historic day. Prize includes
complimentary bar and afternoon tea.
www.guardian.co.uk/capturethesummer.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Surely I can't be the only NUCC fan (and long-time hater of Fat
Freddy) left wondering where all the money will come from to pay for
Owen? Fantastic signing, yes, but if we fail again to get into
Europe, not even faecal obsessive Dr Gillian McKeith will fancy
raking through the muck left behind by another change of manager and
an ever-rocketing wage bill. Another false dawn?" - James Greenwell.
"While the NUCC fans line up to eulogise on what a great striking
partnership Alan Shearer and Michael Owen will make, I can't help but
cast my mind back a few years to when the widely-held belief that the
two didn't work as a striking partnership for England was one of the
main reasons Shearer retired from international football. Still, I'm
sure that's all changed" - Ian Shelton.
"Despite the column inches on the Owen saga running longer than a
queue outside a Liverpool dole office, I wish to register my disdain
at some of yesterday's Fiver letters. My team, (NUCC) have provided
top-class comedy entertainment for years, like the geeky kid who
breakdances at the school disco while his 'mates' cheer on
ironically. And now that geek has pulled the pretty blonde that you
all fancied, not one person can offer a word of congratulations.
Disgraceful" - Stephen Byrne, Liverpool.
"Re: Tony Reid's email yesterday about his mate's overly-sensitive
email system. I once emailed my girlfriend (who works for an
investment bank), suggesting she pick up some chicken breasts for
dinner. Unfortunately we went chookless that night, as the email was
blocked due to it containing 'potentially offensive content'. The
world's gone mad" - Nick Palmer.
"I see Princess TV are being rather coy about who their top British
manager is (Yesterday's Fiver, TV and Radio). As any manager worth
being called 'top' should be in a job at the moment, I can only
conclude that it's Graeme Sounness who'll be free to lead The Rose &
Crown Second XI to FA(W) Cup glory" - Bob O'Hara.
"Parp! Parp! Parp! Plagarism alert. Can someone tell Princess TV that
Dave Whelan has already done their idea at Wigan" - Alan Casey.
"I read with interest about the planned, and regrettable, redundancies
of 25 admin staff at Old Trafford. A quick estimate of the savings
that the club will make, using an average salary of 20k per person
per annum, amounts to a whopping 500k. That's roughly 4.5 weeks of
Rio Ferdinand's salary" - Nick Parker.
"Surely in securing the services of Zurab Khizanishvili, Blackeye
Rovers have made the biggest-name signing of transfer deadline day?"
- Matt Taylor.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. We
reserve the right to rescind prizes and publish the email addresses
of plagiarists to mock, embarrass or humiliate them. Today's winner:
James Greenwell.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC One: Animal Crime Scene (8pm)
"How's about the most inappropriate public faux pas Fiver readers have
ever made?" suggests Andrew Hagger, riding to our new-riff rescue. Go
on then.
Channel 4: Lost (10pm)
"Myself and my housemate were settling down to watch the Super Bowl
this year with some friends; a bunch of kids were singing on the TV,
and the camera started panning past their faces."
Sky Sports 1: You're On Sky Sports (10pm)
"My housemate yells, 'look at that kid - how boss-eyed is he?'
whereupon I see another and shout 'and her as well'.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"This continued for 30 seconds until the camera cut away to a picture
of Ray Charles on a jumbo screen with the words 'Ray Charles Memorial
Choir' underneath.
Talksport: Kick-off (7pm)
"All the kids were blind.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"No one spoke to us for the rest of the match and I think I am now
going to hell." We wouldn't argue with you, Andrew. Go on; send your
spectacular lapses of etiquette to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking
them Pass Me A Shovel.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
11 IN A ROW?
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Sean Ingle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
31 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Madness,
and nothing about King George or Suggs, sadly
* * * * * * * * * * * *
LOONY TOONS
Upon hearing that 20,000 Geordies had assembled inside St James's Park
today, the Fiver assumed it was a typically over-the-top send-off for
Jermaine Jenas, who'd just agreed to a GBP7m move to THFC. The truth
turned out to be even more disturbing: the gullible hordes had come
to welcome an England striker who only signed for them as a last
resort. Even more worrying was the sight of Sky Sports News presenter
Jim White abandoning any semblance of journalistic impartiality as he
whipped the aforementioned mob into a waheying frenzy in his role as
cheerleading MC for the latest gag-packed extravaganza at Newcastle
United Comedy Club.
"You've done so much in football but this must be one of your proudest
moments," simpered Jim to Magpies boss Graeme Souness, whose numerous
high-profile trophy wins as a player and manager (of other teams)
clearly pale into insignificance compared to securing a Real Madrid
reject nobody else wanted on a four-year deal. "We've really done the
business today," agreed Souey, adopting a turn of phrase not heard
around St James's Park for several months. "He was my first choice,
we've got him and the supporters will love him. He's an honest
up-front guy as well as a top-class footballer."
But while Owen may have been Newcastle's first choice, Newcastle
clearly wasn't Owen's. Nevertheless, the GBP16m signing credited the
assembled throng with the kind of gumption their presence in the
stadium suggested they clearly don't possess. "I had chats with lots
of teams. I spoke to Liverpool and unfortunately a deal couldn't come
off so that's life," he fronted-up honestly. "All you can do is look
to the future with Newcastle, and I hope to do really well in a black
and white shirt."
And as hordes of in-no-way-fickle Newcastle fans chanted the name of a
manager they wanted sacked as recently as last Sunday, the object of
their affections was quick to pay homage to the man who really runs
first-team affairs. "Alan [Shearer] reminded Michael he had this same
decision a decade ago when he left Blackburn and could have gone to
Manchester United. He chose Newcastle and look what it's done for
him," insisted Souness, presumably alluding to the extra low premiums
Shearer pays on insuring the contents of his trophy cabinet.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It's been a right hassle. I'd got really settled in Glasgow - it's a
great city. I loved the shopping and all the great restaurants and
bars. I'd only been there a month, but I was even already planning
our first Christmas in Scotland. I wanted to buy Jeremie a kilt and
make him wear it the traditional way" - Page 3 stunnah Leilani, 25,
from Bournemouth, speaks of her regret at quitting Scotland to follow
her other half, Jeremie Aliadiere, to West Ham.
*********************
DEADLINE DAY
Clunk! Screech! Ne-arrrrrr! Slam! Not just the sound of the Fiver's
souped-up Ford Capri - with added go-faster stripes - illegally
street racing around London, but the noise of the transfer window
preparing to jam shut, after a day of wheeling and dealing that
wouldn't embarrass a dope-peddling BMX biker. And, for a change, it
wasn't Arry Redknapp leading the pack, but THFC' Martin Jol.
The Tony Soprano lookalike woke up this morning and got himself a
midfielder, Newcastle's Jermaine Jenas. And a left-back, Lee
Young-pyo from PSV Eindhoven. Meanwhile, Jol was also busy palming
off Erik Edman to Rennes and Reto Ziegler to Hamburg (on loan). "I
have agreed with Reto that it will be good for him to go away and get
more experience," Jol bada-binged, before breathlessly reassuring
THFC fans worried about the club's lack of depth in midfield (only
17 players at the last count) that Lee "is also comfortable in
central midfield".
Elsewhere, the all-too-familiar scent of desperation was in the air.
Everton, for instance, thought nothing of signing knee-knacked Inter
winger Andy Van Der Meyde. Liverpool, meanwhile, were preparing to
spend silly money (GBP10m) on Benfica winger Simao Sabrosa, an
expensive flop at Barcelona four seasons ago. But, as of 5pm today,
no one could quite match the folly of Wigan who, having failed to
sign 36-year-old lardball Dean Windass, today blew GBP2m on
sour-faced Leicester striker David Connolly. "Wigan are a
forward-thinking and ambitious club with a great manager," said
Connolly, for once chuckling ... all the way to the bank.
For all the latest transfer gossip, click here:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1559879,00.html
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
While Newcastle wasn't Michael Owen's No1 option, it appears he wasn't
the Magpies' first choice either: Fernando Torres's agent claims the
Geordies offered Atletico Madrid GBP26m for the Spain international.
Out-of-contract former Ram Darryl Powell has been spotted with his
agent in the vicinity of Pride Park. His arrival could soften the
blow - only just - of losing striker Grzegorz Rasiak, who is due to
leave Derby for Wolves before tonight's transfer deadline.
And Southend also hope to tie up a last-minute deal to sign Junior
Agogo from Bristol Rovers.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
What's the most unlikely football bet to ever come off? Find out in
the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1559878,00.html
"In being the key figure in persuading Michael Owen to join Newcastle,
Alan Shearer has flexed managerial muscles for the second time this
summer" - Michael Walker on why you should never underestimate the
Shearer factor:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1559571,00.html
Dominic Fifield: a fallout from Rafa's summer of transfer frustration
is on the cards at Anfield:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1559567,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Michael Walker on 'Wor' Michael Owen's
north-east welcome and Robert Kitson on Harlequins' uncharted waters.
* * * * * * * * * * *
YOUR MATCH REPORT
Spotted something about your Premiership team that no one else has?
Maybe a tiny problem that drags players out of position? Or maybe you
can properly justify why they should play a particular pairing up
front - or at the back. Whatever you've spotted, the Guardian
sportsdesk is waiting to be impressed: send your 100-word
observations to your.match@guardian.co.uk. They'll publish the best
of them.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Northern Ireland Nil boss Lawrie Sanchez has sent home Jeff Whitley
and Philip Mulryne from the side's training camp for breaking a
curfew. The pair returned to their County Antrim hotel in the early
hours of this morning and will now play no part in the World Cup
qualifiers against Azerbaijan and England.
Dave Kitson has joined long-term Reading injury victim Steve Sidwell
on the sidelines, after suffering ankle ligament damage against
Burnley.
And Darren Potter has signed a new three-year contract at Liverpool.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WIN! WIN! WIN!
Share your image of the summer and win four VIP tickets to the fifth
day of the fourth Test at the Oval on 11 September. Send us a picture
which captures your summer by MMS or email and the best one could win
you tickets to this potentially historic day. Prize includes
complimentary bar and afternoon tea.
www.guardian.co.uk/capturethesummer.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Surely I can't be the only NUCC fan (and long-time hater of Fat
Freddy) left wondering where all the money will come from to pay for
Owen? Fantastic signing, yes, but if we fail again to get into
Europe, not even faecal obsessive Dr Gillian McKeith will fancy
raking through the muck left behind by another change of manager and
an ever-rocketing wage bill. Another false dawn?" - James Greenwell.
"While the NUCC fans line up to eulogise on what a great striking
partnership Alan Shearer and Michael Owen will make, I can't help but
cast my mind back a few years to when the widely-held belief that the
two didn't work as a striking partnership for England was one of the
main reasons Shearer retired from international football. Still, I'm
sure that's all changed" - Ian Shelton.
"Despite the column inches on the Owen saga running longer than a
queue outside a Liverpool dole office, I wish to register my disdain
at some of yesterday's Fiver letters. My team, (NUCC) have provided
top-class comedy entertainment for years, like the geeky kid who
breakdances at the school disco while his 'mates' cheer on
ironically. And now that geek has pulled the pretty blonde that you
all fancied, not one person can offer a word of congratulations.
Disgraceful" - Stephen Byrne, Liverpool.
"Re: Tony Reid's email yesterday about his mate's overly-sensitive
email system. I once emailed my girlfriend (who works for an
investment bank), suggesting she pick up some chicken breasts for
dinner. Unfortunately we went chookless that night, as the email was
blocked due to it containing 'potentially offensive content'. The
world's gone mad" - Nick Palmer.
"I see Princess TV are being rather coy about who their top British
manager is (Yesterday's Fiver, TV and Radio). As any manager worth
being called 'top' should be in a job at the moment, I can only
conclude that it's Graeme Sounness who'll be free to lead The Rose &
Crown Second XI to FA(W) Cup glory" - Bob O'Hara.
"Parp! Parp! Parp! Plagarism alert. Can someone tell Princess TV that
Dave Whelan has already done their idea at Wigan" - Alan Casey.
"I read with interest about the planned, and regrettable, redundancies
of 25 admin staff at Old Trafford. A quick estimate of the savings
that the club will make, using an average salary of 20k per person
per annum, amounts to a whopping 500k. That's roughly 4.5 weeks of
Rio Ferdinand's salary" - Nick Parker.
"Surely in securing the services of Zurab Khizanishvili, Blackeye
Rovers have made the biggest-name signing of transfer deadline day?"
- Matt Taylor.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. We
reserve the right to rescind prizes and publish the email addresses
of plagiarists to mock, embarrass or humiliate them. Today's winner:
James Greenwell.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC One: Animal Crime Scene (8pm)
"How's about the most inappropriate public faux pas Fiver readers have
ever made?" suggests Andrew Hagger, riding to our new-riff rescue. Go
on then.
Channel 4: Lost (10pm)
"Myself and my housemate were settling down to watch the Super Bowl
this year with some friends; a bunch of kids were singing on the TV,
and the camera started panning past their faces."
Sky Sports 1: You're On Sky Sports (10pm)
"My housemate yells, 'look at that kid - how boss-eyed is he?'
whereupon I see another and shout 'and her as well'.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"This continued for 30 seconds until the camera cut away to a picture
of Ray Charles on a jumbo screen with the words 'Ray Charles Memorial
Choir' underneath.
Talksport: Kick-off (7pm)
"All the kids were blind.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"No one spoke to us for the rest of the match and I think I am now
going to hell." We wouldn't argue with you, Andrew. Go on; send your
spectacular lapses of etiquette to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking
them Pass Me A Shovel.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
11 IN A ROW?
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Sean Ingle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.