Post by Salem6 on Aug 23, 2005 22:25:43 GMT
The Fiver
23 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Swinging and Missing, and
Straight Bat
* * * * * * * * * * * *
UNIMPRESSIVE TACKLE
David Moyes has long regarded Sir Alex Ferguson as his mentor, so it's
hardly surprising that the Everton boss has developed a penchant for
boycotting the BBC and a love of the Brothers Neville (and those
cheeks look like they could have ruddier days ahead too). But for now
it seems that Moyes is modelling his management skills on another
fiery Scot: inspired by Graeme Souness's slapstick efforts to land a
big fish, Moyes has joined him on the bank in oversized galoshes and
haplessly cast off his own line.
"We have been in contact with Michael [Owen] and his advisors," Moyes
confessed today, before the inevitable 'but'. "Unfortunately he does
not see Everton as a team he would choose at this present time." And
neither does Dirk Kuyt, the Feyenoord striker no one had heard of
until every club in the Premiership was after him, who has politely
declined a GBP10m bid.
Which leaves both managers looking at murkier waters for
reinforcements. But while Souness has tiptoed off, nets in hand,
towards a pond marked Luis Boa Morte, Moyes took to Everton's
official website, www.bygodwewereluckyonsunday.com, to tell the world
just how unattractive a proposition his side are [insert your own
Duncan Ferguson gag here]. "We do have money to spend, but getting
players in is the problem," he loud-hailered, to audible cringes on
Merseyside.
"I am trying to reassure fans we are in for the top players," Moyes
continued solemnly. "But actually being able to afford them is an
issue." Really? The Fiver reckons the money from selling the Shrek
franchise to MU Rowdies must be somewhere - so it's actually
persuading the players to come to Goodison that's the problem. A
thumping Big Cup win at Villarreal might change matters, of course,
but perhaps it's time to get James Beattie on a treadmill again?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Of course I am very pleased to join Villa. It is not easy to leave
Liverpool but Villa are also a big club, so I am happy to come here.
Hopefully my best years are still to come. I am still young and very
ambitious. I want to achieve things here with Aston Villa. I think
there are some quality players here and hopefully we can qualify to
play in Europe next season" - Give it time, Milan Baros.
*********************
CRIME AND (NO) PUNISHMENT
Two years ago, the Football Association's website was so hi-tech that
our browser suffered panic attacks trying to keep up, before crashing
after two seconds. But what a two seconds! There were strobe lights,
flash animations, and graphics that whizzed and fizzed like expensive
fireworks. All it needed was Oxygene blaring away and you could've
been at a Jean Michel Jarre concert. Sadly, post-Faria Alam, these
are more sombre times at the FA. As today's report on their latest
disciplinary commission hearings reflect.
"A disciplinary commission today heard the following claims for
wrongful dismissal: Sunderland's Andrew Welsh had his claim for
wrongful dismissal upheld and will therefore not serve any
suspension," the website announced, probably affecting an irritating
nasal twang. "He was sent off for violent conduct during the match at
Liverpool on Saturday, 20 August. West Ham United's Paul Konchesky
has today had his claim for wrongful dismissal upheld by a
disciplinary commission. He will therefore not serve any suspension."
See, straighter than an Ashley Giles off-spinner. Gone are the
animated finger-wagging gifs or the spinning whips (er, that was
thefa.com, right?). And there's no mention either of what can be done
about this growing trend for wrong red cards, as Jonathan Ross
wouldn't say. Reminding officials that, when in doubt, don't, would
be start. Video cameras - and we're only talking about using them
once or twice in the entire game - would be even better. But we're
not holding our breath.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Sundireland boss Mick McCarthy has emerged as a shock front-runner for
the South Korean coaching post, after Jo Bonfrere resigned.
Manchester City will spend GBP7m on Dean Ashton - unless West Ham get
there first.
Zimbabwe international goalkeeper Energy Murambadoro could soon be
threatening Gabor Kiraly's No1 position at Crystal Palace.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
TV's James Richardson is back, with a brilliant preview of the new
Serie A season:
football.guardian.co.uk/continentalfootball/story/0,15758,1554692,00.html
For every bargain there is a Winston Bogarde - Kevin McCarra on how
the transfer market teaches managers humility:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1554486,00.html
Tempted by Essien? Fed up with Gerrard? Ship 'em in and out with
Fantasy Chairman: guardian.fantasyleague.com/
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Tiago has joined Lyon for GBP6m. "Tiago showed a lot of tears in front
of the group yesterday," admitted Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. "He
is a wonderful boy and was a very good player for us. We will miss
him - the player and the person. He did it in a very professional
way. He said: 'Boss I feel very sorry to go, I love it here, but I am
professional and want to play more times.'"
Latvia international skipper Vitalijs Astafjevs has claimed his
players and team officials were offered "impressive" amounts of money
to throw last week's World Cup qualifier with Russia, which ended
1-1. The Latvian Football Federation has refuted the former Bristol
Rovers midfielder's allegations.
St Johnstone's dogged persistence has paid off: they've gained a work
permit for Trinidad & Tobago striker Jason Scotland.
And thousands of seats remain unsold for tomorrow night's Premiership
clash between Chelsea and West Brom. Cheapest tickets? GBP48.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Am I the only person who has been surprised that Tottenham 'bid for
everyone' Hotspur have not shown any interest in a certain
out-of-favour Real Madrid striker? I was under the impression that
THFC were obliged to declare their interest in any available player
whether they have a hope of signing him or not" - Patrick Child.
"If we're talking lifeless punditry, surely an honorary mention has to
go to John Barnes. I've never heard someone deliver the promise that
you can win 'GBP10,000. Yes, that's right, GBP10,000' in the
half-time competition with all the verve of a character from Napoleon
Dynamite before. He makes Lee Dixon seem like Al Pacino in
comparison. Astonishing" - James Windle.
"Apparently Peter Beardsley has had false teeth since childhood,
thanks to a degenerative gum disease. I remember reading this in a
science book at school. I'm sure this is not a reason for his
dog-meat commentary but it could go a long way towards explaining the
lop-sided face" - Ben Law-Jones.
"Question of the day: having signed Darren Anderton, does this mean
Glenn Hoddle has altered his attitude towards the disabled?" - Lucan
Chavez Munoz.
"Were the Blackburn Rovers trio of Lorenzo Amoruso, Tugay and Robbie
Savage members of a dance troupe called the Chippendales back in the
early 1990s?" - Neil Sutton.
"Just wanted to say that, as a West Brom fan with a Pompey supporting
ex-wife, it was really good to see 'Safe Hands' Westerveld back to
his best on Saturday" - Mark Picken.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Lucan Chavez Munoz.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
ITV1: Liverpool v CSKA Sofia (8.05pm)
"This concerns a mate of a mate," swears Dan Aspinall, offering the
latest contribution to what is turning into a campaign to abolish the
whole best man tradition.
Five: US Major League Soccer (4.30am)
"Apparently he was invited to do the honours at the wedding of his
nearest and dearest friend, but when the time for giving his speech
came round, he was already feeling the effects of huge quantities of
booze."
Sky Sports 1: Soccer Special (7pm)
All part of the role, it seems.
Football First (10.30pm)
"So he stood up and told the congregation that he couldn't be
bothered saying anything. And promptly slumped onto the table,
unconscious.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"The reception being at a hotel, they put the chap to lie down on the
bed in the only room containing members of the wedding party: that of
the bride and groom.
Talksport: Kick-off (7pm)
"When the happy couple returned to the honeymoon suite later that
evening to inaugurate a lifetime of wedded bliss, what did they
find?"
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"That their best man had only gone and wet the bed!" Ye gads! Send
more tales of what happens when best men misbehave to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking them I Believe He Joined the French
Foreign Legion a Short Time Later.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
I PASSED OUT, FROM BOREDOM
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner and Sean Ingle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
23 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Swinging and Missing, and
Straight Bat
* * * * * * * * * * * *
UNIMPRESSIVE TACKLE
David Moyes has long regarded Sir Alex Ferguson as his mentor, so it's
hardly surprising that the Everton boss has developed a penchant for
boycotting the BBC and a love of the Brothers Neville (and those
cheeks look like they could have ruddier days ahead too). But for now
it seems that Moyes is modelling his management skills on another
fiery Scot: inspired by Graeme Souness's slapstick efforts to land a
big fish, Moyes has joined him on the bank in oversized galoshes and
haplessly cast off his own line.
"We have been in contact with Michael [Owen] and his advisors," Moyes
confessed today, before the inevitable 'but'. "Unfortunately he does
not see Everton as a team he would choose at this present time." And
neither does Dirk Kuyt, the Feyenoord striker no one had heard of
until every club in the Premiership was after him, who has politely
declined a GBP10m bid.
Which leaves both managers looking at murkier waters for
reinforcements. But while Souness has tiptoed off, nets in hand,
towards a pond marked Luis Boa Morte, Moyes took to Everton's
official website, www.bygodwewereluckyonsunday.com, to tell the world
just how unattractive a proposition his side are [insert your own
Duncan Ferguson gag here]. "We do have money to spend, but getting
players in is the problem," he loud-hailered, to audible cringes on
Merseyside.
"I am trying to reassure fans we are in for the top players," Moyes
continued solemnly. "But actually being able to afford them is an
issue." Really? The Fiver reckons the money from selling the Shrek
franchise to MU Rowdies must be somewhere - so it's actually
persuading the players to come to Goodison that's the problem. A
thumping Big Cup win at Villarreal might change matters, of course,
but perhaps it's time to get James Beattie on a treadmill again?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Of course I am very pleased to join Villa. It is not easy to leave
Liverpool but Villa are also a big club, so I am happy to come here.
Hopefully my best years are still to come. I am still young and very
ambitious. I want to achieve things here with Aston Villa. I think
there are some quality players here and hopefully we can qualify to
play in Europe next season" - Give it time, Milan Baros.
*********************
CRIME AND (NO) PUNISHMENT
Two years ago, the Football Association's website was so hi-tech that
our browser suffered panic attacks trying to keep up, before crashing
after two seconds. But what a two seconds! There were strobe lights,
flash animations, and graphics that whizzed and fizzed like expensive
fireworks. All it needed was Oxygene blaring away and you could've
been at a Jean Michel Jarre concert. Sadly, post-Faria Alam, these
are more sombre times at the FA. As today's report on their latest
disciplinary commission hearings reflect.
"A disciplinary commission today heard the following claims for
wrongful dismissal: Sunderland's Andrew Welsh had his claim for
wrongful dismissal upheld and will therefore not serve any
suspension," the website announced, probably affecting an irritating
nasal twang. "He was sent off for violent conduct during the match at
Liverpool on Saturday, 20 August. West Ham United's Paul Konchesky
has today had his claim for wrongful dismissal upheld by a
disciplinary commission. He will therefore not serve any suspension."
See, straighter than an Ashley Giles off-spinner. Gone are the
animated finger-wagging gifs or the spinning whips (er, that was
thefa.com, right?). And there's no mention either of what can be done
about this growing trend for wrong red cards, as Jonathan Ross
wouldn't say. Reminding officials that, when in doubt, don't, would
be start. Video cameras - and we're only talking about using them
once or twice in the entire game - would be even better. But we're
not holding our breath.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Sundireland boss Mick McCarthy has emerged as a shock front-runner for
the South Korean coaching post, after Jo Bonfrere resigned.
Manchester City will spend GBP7m on Dean Ashton - unless West Ham get
there first.
Zimbabwe international goalkeeper Energy Murambadoro could soon be
threatening Gabor Kiraly's No1 position at Crystal Palace.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
TV's James Richardson is back, with a brilliant preview of the new
Serie A season:
football.guardian.co.uk/continentalfootball/story/0,15758,1554692,00.html
For every bargain there is a Winston Bogarde - Kevin McCarra on how
the transfer market teaches managers humility:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1554486,00.html
Tempted by Essien? Fed up with Gerrard? Ship 'em in and out with
Fantasy Chairman: guardian.fantasyleague.com/
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Tiago has joined Lyon for GBP6m. "Tiago showed a lot of tears in front
of the group yesterday," admitted Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. "He
is a wonderful boy and was a very good player for us. We will miss
him - the player and the person. He did it in a very professional
way. He said: 'Boss I feel very sorry to go, I love it here, but I am
professional and want to play more times.'"
Latvia international skipper Vitalijs Astafjevs has claimed his
players and team officials were offered "impressive" amounts of money
to throw last week's World Cup qualifier with Russia, which ended
1-1. The Latvian Football Federation has refuted the former Bristol
Rovers midfielder's allegations.
St Johnstone's dogged persistence has paid off: they've gained a work
permit for Trinidad & Tobago striker Jason Scotland.
And thousands of seats remain unsold for tomorrow night's Premiership
clash between Chelsea and West Brom. Cheapest tickets? GBP48.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Am I the only person who has been surprised that Tottenham 'bid for
everyone' Hotspur have not shown any interest in a certain
out-of-favour Real Madrid striker? I was under the impression that
THFC were obliged to declare their interest in any available player
whether they have a hope of signing him or not" - Patrick Child.
"If we're talking lifeless punditry, surely an honorary mention has to
go to John Barnes. I've never heard someone deliver the promise that
you can win 'GBP10,000. Yes, that's right, GBP10,000' in the
half-time competition with all the verve of a character from Napoleon
Dynamite before. He makes Lee Dixon seem like Al Pacino in
comparison. Astonishing" - James Windle.
"Apparently Peter Beardsley has had false teeth since childhood,
thanks to a degenerative gum disease. I remember reading this in a
science book at school. I'm sure this is not a reason for his
dog-meat commentary but it could go a long way towards explaining the
lop-sided face" - Ben Law-Jones.
"Question of the day: having signed Darren Anderton, does this mean
Glenn Hoddle has altered his attitude towards the disabled?" - Lucan
Chavez Munoz.
"Were the Blackburn Rovers trio of Lorenzo Amoruso, Tugay and Robbie
Savage members of a dance troupe called the Chippendales back in the
early 1990s?" - Neil Sutton.
"Just wanted to say that, as a West Brom fan with a Pompey supporting
ex-wife, it was really good to see 'Safe Hands' Westerveld back to
his best on Saturday" - Mark Picken.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Lucan Chavez Munoz.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
ITV1: Liverpool v CSKA Sofia (8.05pm)
"This concerns a mate of a mate," swears Dan Aspinall, offering the
latest contribution to what is turning into a campaign to abolish the
whole best man tradition.
Five: US Major League Soccer (4.30am)
"Apparently he was invited to do the honours at the wedding of his
nearest and dearest friend, but when the time for giving his speech
came round, he was already feeling the effects of huge quantities of
booze."
Sky Sports 1: Soccer Special (7pm)
All part of the role, it seems.
Football First (10.30pm)
"So he stood up and told the congregation that he couldn't be
bothered saying anything. And promptly slumped onto the table,
unconscious.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"The reception being at a hotel, they put the chap to lie down on the
bed in the only room containing members of the wedding party: that of
the bride and groom.
Talksport: Kick-off (7pm)
"When the happy couple returned to the honeymoon suite later that
evening to inaugurate a lifetime of wedded bliss, what did they
find?"
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"That their best man had only gone and wet the bed!" Ye gads! Send
more tales of what happens when best men misbehave to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking them I Believe He Joined the French
Foreign Legion a Short Time Later.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
I PASSED OUT, FROM BOREDOM
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner and Sean Ingle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.