Post by Salem6 on Aug 23, 2005 5:09:41 GMT
The Fiver
22 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Newcastle, Twinned With Marseille
* * * * * * * * * * * *
LOSING THEIR MOJO
You might think comparing Newcastle United Comedy Club to Olympique de
Marseille is like comparing Vicky Pollard to Vanessa Paradis. And
while it's true that, unlike the French aristocrats, the Magpies have
no beautiful past to crow about, the fact is OM aren't looking so hot
themselves these days. The clubs also share another problem: an
entente miserable with Deportivo la Coruna. And both relationships
showed no signs of improving today.
Newcastle's beef with Depor is not only that they dumped Graeme
Souness' rag-bag team out of the Intertoto Cup but also that, now,
they're hardballing on Albert Luque. The prospect of having a bulging
wallet in his pocket has made the winger very pleased to see Souness,
but after agreeing personal terms on a move to NUCC, the 27-year-old
claims Depor have greedily rejected a GBP10m bid.
"If Newcastle had offered that amount of money, we wouldn't have
anything to talk about and he would have already gone," snorted Depor
kingpin Augusto Cesar Lendoiro. "They've offered GBP7.5m plus Hugo
Viana, so at the moment there is a difference of GBP1.4m in our
valuations of Luque ... they'd better do something quickly."
Meanwhile, Marseille go into tomorrow's Intertoto final against Depor
2-0 down from the away leg. And with their defence ravaged by injury
and suspension. And deflated by their worst league start in 35 years.
And with the guillotine ready to fall on Jean Fernandez, their fourth
manager in less than a year. And with observers calling for them to
be officially twinned with NUCC.
Still, at least new signing Sabri Lamouchi reckons he knows what's
wrong with OM. "The problem is our mindset," philosophised the
experienced midfielder. "We need to be more straightforward, more
humble in the way we play ... and we need to have confidence in each
other." So, how much confidence does Lamouchi have in his team-mates'
ability to over-turn their first-leg deficit? "Our chances are
minimal ... we'll have to produce a crazily good performance." On
recent evidence, don't bet on it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It could be that I spat out of nervousness. That happens in the heat
of a match, but my spit was certainly not aimed at Nedved, but rather
towards the ground" - Internazionale's Walter Samuel opens his gob,
again, to defend himself after TV footage appeared to show him
spitting at Pavel Nedved during his side's 1-0 victory over Juventus
in the Italian Super Cup.
********************* THE RUMOUR MILL
Having produced barely a shot on goal in their first two Premiership
games, Wigan fancy that a GBP10m bid will bag them their very own
Michael Owen.
Rafa Benitez, however, has gone on the defensive, seeking out
Marseille's Abdoulaye Meite and Brondby's Daniel Agger.
Fulham are after Celtic midfielder Stilian Petrov, who could be
persuaded to swap the frying pan for the fire for GBP4m.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Richard Williams wonders whether the Arsenal captain's armband is
weighing too heavy on Thierry Henry:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1553896,00.html
Anfield might be right for Owen, but Owen isn't right for Anfield,
says Paul Weaver:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1553799,00.html
Flex your financial muscles in Fantasy Chairman - there could be
GBP10,000 in it for you: guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Send your Didier Drogbas to the Gallery. We've got prizes and
everything:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1550740,00.html
See out the day with our greatest internet sports games, ever!
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Chelsea's Jiri Jarosik has signed for Birmingham on a year-long loan
deal. Leaving St Andrews is Darren Anderton, who has rejoined former
THFC and England manager Glenn Hoddle at Wolves.
Portsmouth have bolstered their backline with the signing of Brian
Piske from Genk on a three-year deal, and look like shipping him
straight into the side to play Aston Villa tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Christian Bassila has swapped picturesque Strasbourg for
burlesque Sunderland by penning a two-year deal at the Stadium of
Light.
And it's finally happened: Jonathan Woodgate is in Real Madrid's squad
to face the MLS All-Stars in a friendly tomorrow.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Am I the only one who's just awoken after Lee Dixon's 'analysis'
during Match of the Day? The best bit was the piece he had recorded
earlier analysing one of the games. It was so devoid of energy or
life I would consider his appearance on Match of the Day still-born.
That's some feat next to Lineker" - Arvinder Mangat.
"While sending me into a lunch-ime stupor during his half-time
'analysis' of the Man Utd-Villa match, George Graham unwittingly used
the word 'mediocracy'. My mind was filled with the amusing image of
some hapless nation administered by an army of Svens. Just thought
I'd share" - Jim Butler.
"To be fair, the worst commentator is, to be fair, Peter 'to be fair'
Beardsley. Ear-bleedingly torturous. And he has that lop-sided face"
- Steve Ferrier.
"Please let Arsenal sign Owen. We need a fox in the box to finish all
that patient build-up play. We can offer him Big Cup football, and
he's not out of our currently meagre transfer budget surely?" - Rich
Griffiths.
"Whilst I thought myself desensitised to the Sun stealing other
people's work to bulk up their otherwise vacuous football coverage
[Re: Malcolm Glazer Soccerballs gallery], I was outraged by the
blatant plagiarism in today's paper. Witness: Peter Downey [last
Thursday's Fiver letters] - 'I would be interested to know more about
David James's pre-match preparation. Does he normally tie a piece of
rope to his ankle and attach it to the goalpost so that he can't run
too far from his line?' Graham Wray's hilarious contribution to
SuperGoals, the Sun, Monday August 22? 'Can we presume then his
(James) pre-match preparation involves tying a bit of rope around his
foot and attaching it to the goalpost ... (you get the idea)'"
Soaraway stuff! - Henry Cooke.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Arvinder Mangat.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Four: Without A Trace (10pm)
"I had my head shaved the day before my mate Keith's wedding, as I
thought it looked smart with the suit," begins Paul Porter, author of
today's Best Man tale.
Sky Sports 1: Southend Utd v Southampton - Carling Cup Live (7.30pm)
"I had a good few drinks to calm my nerves, and took it on the chin
when Keith started his speech by thanking me for coming, but saying
what a shame it was that I had forgotten to bring my hair. Hilarious.
Then his new father-in-law made the same joke. Yes, very funny.
Eurosport: Eurogoals (10pm)
"When I got to my feet I decided to get them back. I commenced with:
'I'd like to thank Keith and Eric for mentioning my lack of hair.
It's difficult enough having chemotherapy without people taking the
mickey out of you.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"The silence and bowing of heads that greeted this reminded me that I
knew few of the guests, and that nobody except Keith knew I wasn't
actually ill. The chief bridesmaid spent the rest of the day telling
me that she was a spiritualist, and that it really was possible to
contact people on the other side.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I think she felt it her duty to keep in touch over the coming
years." Great stuff, but we want more of your nightmare wedding
speech stories; mail them to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked I'm Your
Besht Man.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TIRED, AND EMOTIONAL
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
22 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Newcastle, Twinned With Marseille
* * * * * * * * * * * *
LOSING THEIR MOJO
You might think comparing Newcastle United Comedy Club to Olympique de
Marseille is like comparing Vicky Pollard to Vanessa Paradis. And
while it's true that, unlike the French aristocrats, the Magpies have
no beautiful past to crow about, the fact is OM aren't looking so hot
themselves these days. The clubs also share another problem: an
entente miserable with Deportivo la Coruna. And both relationships
showed no signs of improving today.
Newcastle's beef with Depor is not only that they dumped Graeme
Souness' rag-bag team out of the Intertoto Cup but also that, now,
they're hardballing on Albert Luque. The prospect of having a bulging
wallet in his pocket has made the winger very pleased to see Souness,
but after agreeing personal terms on a move to NUCC, the 27-year-old
claims Depor have greedily rejected a GBP10m bid.
"If Newcastle had offered that amount of money, we wouldn't have
anything to talk about and he would have already gone," snorted Depor
kingpin Augusto Cesar Lendoiro. "They've offered GBP7.5m plus Hugo
Viana, so at the moment there is a difference of GBP1.4m in our
valuations of Luque ... they'd better do something quickly."
Meanwhile, Marseille go into tomorrow's Intertoto final against Depor
2-0 down from the away leg. And with their defence ravaged by injury
and suspension. And deflated by their worst league start in 35 years.
And with the guillotine ready to fall on Jean Fernandez, their fourth
manager in less than a year. And with observers calling for them to
be officially twinned with NUCC.
Still, at least new signing Sabri Lamouchi reckons he knows what's
wrong with OM. "The problem is our mindset," philosophised the
experienced midfielder. "We need to be more straightforward, more
humble in the way we play ... and we need to have confidence in each
other." So, how much confidence does Lamouchi have in his team-mates'
ability to over-turn their first-leg deficit? "Our chances are
minimal ... we'll have to produce a crazily good performance." On
recent evidence, don't bet on it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It could be that I spat out of nervousness. That happens in the heat
of a match, but my spit was certainly not aimed at Nedved, but rather
towards the ground" - Internazionale's Walter Samuel opens his gob,
again, to defend himself after TV footage appeared to show him
spitting at Pavel Nedved during his side's 1-0 victory over Juventus
in the Italian Super Cup.
********************* THE RUMOUR MILL
Having produced barely a shot on goal in their first two Premiership
games, Wigan fancy that a GBP10m bid will bag them their very own
Michael Owen.
Rafa Benitez, however, has gone on the defensive, seeking out
Marseille's Abdoulaye Meite and Brondby's Daniel Agger.
Fulham are after Celtic midfielder Stilian Petrov, who could be
persuaded to swap the frying pan for the fire for GBP4m.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Richard Williams wonders whether the Arsenal captain's armband is
weighing too heavy on Thierry Henry:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1553896,00.html
Anfield might be right for Owen, but Owen isn't right for Anfield,
says Paul Weaver:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1553799,00.html
Flex your financial muscles in Fantasy Chairman - there could be
GBP10,000 in it for you: guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Send your Didier Drogbas to the Gallery. We've got prizes and
everything:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1550740,00.html
See out the day with our greatest internet sports games, ever!
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Chelsea's Jiri Jarosik has signed for Birmingham on a year-long loan
deal. Leaving St Andrews is Darren Anderton, who has rejoined former
THFC and England manager Glenn Hoddle at Wolves.
Portsmouth have bolstered their backline with the signing of Brian
Piske from Genk on a three-year deal, and look like shipping him
straight into the side to play Aston Villa tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Christian Bassila has swapped picturesque Strasbourg for
burlesque Sunderland by penning a two-year deal at the Stadium of
Light.
And it's finally happened: Jonathan Woodgate is in Real Madrid's squad
to face the MLS All-Stars in a friendly tomorrow.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Am I the only one who's just awoken after Lee Dixon's 'analysis'
during Match of the Day? The best bit was the piece he had recorded
earlier analysing one of the games. It was so devoid of energy or
life I would consider his appearance on Match of the Day still-born.
That's some feat next to Lineker" - Arvinder Mangat.
"While sending me into a lunch-ime stupor during his half-time
'analysis' of the Man Utd-Villa match, George Graham unwittingly used
the word 'mediocracy'. My mind was filled with the amusing image of
some hapless nation administered by an army of Svens. Just thought
I'd share" - Jim Butler.
"To be fair, the worst commentator is, to be fair, Peter 'to be fair'
Beardsley. Ear-bleedingly torturous. And he has that lop-sided face"
- Steve Ferrier.
"Please let Arsenal sign Owen. We need a fox in the box to finish all
that patient build-up play. We can offer him Big Cup football, and
he's not out of our currently meagre transfer budget surely?" - Rich
Griffiths.
"Whilst I thought myself desensitised to the Sun stealing other
people's work to bulk up their otherwise vacuous football coverage
[Re: Malcolm Glazer Soccerballs gallery], I was outraged by the
blatant plagiarism in today's paper. Witness: Peter Downey [last
Thursday's Fiver letters] - 'I would be interested to know more about
David James's pre-match preparation. Does he normally tie a piece of
rope to his ankle and attach it to the goalpost so that he can't run
too far from his line?' Graham Wray's hilarious contribution to
SuperGoals, the Sun, Monday August 22? 'Can we presume then his
(James) pre-match preparation involves tying a bit of rope around his
foot and attaching it to the goalpost ... (you get the idea)'"
Soaraway stuff! - Henry Cooke.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Arvinder Mangat.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Four: Without A Trace (10pm)
"I had my head shaved the day before my mate Keith's wedding, as I
thought it looked smart with the suit," begins Paul Porter, author of
today's Best Man tale.
Sky Sports 1: Southend Utd v Southampton - Carling Cup Live (7.30pm)
"I had a good few drinks to calm my nerves, and took it on the chin
when Keith started his speech by thanking me for coming, but saying
what a shame it was that I had forgotten to bring my hair. Hilarious.
Then his new father-in-law made the same joke. Yes, very funny.
Eurosport: Eurogoals (10pm)
"When I got to my feet I decided to get them back. I commenced with:
'I'd like to thank Keith and Eric for mentioning my lack of hair.
It's difficult enough having chemotherapy without people taking the
mickey out of you.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"The silence and bowing of heads that greeted this reminded me that I
knew few of the guests, and that nobody except Keith knew I wasn't
actually ill. The chief bridesmaid spent the rest of the day telling
me that she was a spiritualist, and that it really was possible to
contact people on the other side.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I think she felt it her duty to keep in touch over the coming
years." Great stuff, but we want more of your nightmare wedding
speech stories; mail them to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked I'm Your
Besht Man.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TIRED, AND EMOTIONAL
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.