Post by Salem6 on Aug 12, 2005 22:48:56 GMT
The Fiver
12 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Blue Is The Colour
* * * * * * * * * * * *
3, 2,1 ... LET-DOWN
With the Premiership kick-off just hours away, MU Redskins boss Sir
Alex Ferguson today showed that he's lost none of his sharpness or
competitive spirit. Responding to Slippery Peter Kenyon's comments,
made no later than last week, that this season's winners "would come
from a select group of one - Chelsea", Sir Alex took aim before
taking a metaphorical boot to his former colleague's forehead.
Unsurprisingly, he didn't miss. "You can't talk like that," he
spluttered, before adding a sly: "Fortunately, it is not someone
speaking with any knowledge of the game. Because it is not the
manager, you can take it with a pinch of salt. You have to dismiss
all other sources." All except the Fiver, surely?
You see, when it comes to predicting the destination of the
Premiership title, the Fiver agrees with Slippery Pete - which, like
being hogtied upside down from a city-centre lamp-post, is an unusual
and highly uncomfortable position to be in. Chelsea may have missed
out on their major summer targets - Adriano, Andriy Shevchenko and
Samuel Eto'o - but they've still strengthened in key positions.
What's more, when they splurge on Michael Essien, as seems
inevitable, they'll prove they can spend a wacky amount of money on
someone that they don't really need but whom both the Redskins (Roy
Keane going, going) and Arsenal (Patrick Vieira gone) would love.
Still, as those two could themselves point out, the league being won
by the team with the most money is nothing new.
Meanwhile at the bottom end of the table - and yes, we can say that
even before the season has started - West Ham boss Alan Pardew is
confident his club can buck at least one trend: the tendency for
newly-promoted sides to go straight back down. "I sincerely think we
won't be involved in a last-day relegation scrap," he declared,
folding his arms. "I think Wigan are not the hot favourites to finish
in the bottom three that everyone has predicted, nor us, nor
Sunderland," he continued unabashed. "Maybe some of the big sides
will be dragged into it." As Newcastle and THFC fans began arguing
over whether or not that includes their club, the Fiver accepted that
Pardew may have a point. And that Fulham, West Brom and Portsmouth
better start getting a few too.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I would be disappointed if they did make him go, because flying can
make the joints swell up" - the Pope's O' Rangers boss Alex McCleish
comes up with an innovative excuse to stop Dado Prso joining up with
the Croatia squad.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Dvd O Lry has wheeled out his newest weapon in the GBP6.5m battle to
sign Milan Baros, getting compatriot Patrik Berger to tell the
Liverpool striker how good life is at Villa Park.
Malcolm Glazer wants to sign an American for the MU Redskins. Standard
Liege defensive lineman Oguchi Onyewu fits that bill, with GBP3m the
asking price.
And Michael Ballack's Mr 10% spies a big payday for his client and,
more importantly, for himself, having approached Internazionale,
Juventus and Milan over potential moves.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
You'll be absolutely delighted to know there's a Michael Essien
update: Gerard Houllier has dropped him from Lyon's team to face
Marseille this weekend and will keep him sidelined until he finally
commits to the club. Could be waiting a while, then.
Paul Scholes will be enjoying his international retirement at the
Vodafone Glazerena a little while longer after extending his contract
until 2009.
Kieron Dyer has finally confirmed a four-year booking at the Newcastle
Comedy Club.
Former Leicester City goalkeeper Zeljko Kalac has, quite remarkably,
signed for AC Milan.
David Bentley has finally got fed up of being farmed out on
season-long loans by Arsenal and has submitted a transfer request.
And Nicky Summerbee has completed his round-the-country career journey
by penning a short-term deal with Swindon, the club he began his
career with almost 16 years ago.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
It's your last chance to sign up for the new Fantasy Chairman season,
so what are you waiting for? guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up now for FREE news alerts sent FREE to your desktop - for FREE!
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/
Get down with both your bad self and Paul Ince as Kid Creole in the
Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1546188,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Pat Porter's slur on 'cheating, drug-fuelled, smaller-than-life,
Latin love machine' Diego Maradona. Get over it Pat. How quickly you
forget his second goal where he ran rings around England with
possibly the best World Cup goal of all time. Nineteen years is a
long time to have such sour grapes" - Will Lambe.
"It never ceases to amuse me how obsessed English fans are with the
Hand of God. Among other insults, Pat Porter (yesterday's Fiver)
manages to call Maradona a cheat twice in two lines, while neglecting
to mention that he was also probably the greatest footballer ever. Or
did he think that was Michael Owen (who of course never cheats by,
for instance, falling over unchallenged in the penalty area)?" - Pete
Hudson, Buenos Aires.
"Andrew Shrubb (Fiver letters, yesterday) tactfully didn't mention the
obvious: Ron Jeremy didn't need to use his hand to punch the ball
into the goal" - Geoffrey Vine.
"I see that some of your readers find it funny to make jokes about
Maradona. Being from Argentina I find this a little annoying, so I
decided to make jokes about a British player that has succeeded in
the last 20 years, but I can't find any. Can you please help me?
Should I try with a tennis player, the last winner of a Grand Slam,
for example?" - Gaston Schettino, Buenos Aires.
"I think that Andy Gray's latest article on Sky (see here:
www.skysports.com/skysports/article/0,,1-1191815,00.html) must
break some kind of record in terms of number of cliches/word count. I
counted 17 including three references to 'big boys'. Can anyone beat
that?" - Elliot Jacobs.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Pete Hudson.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (5pm & 7pm)
"My friend, a public school Geordie and supporter of NUCC, got
married to a lovely lady from a respectable conservative church-going
family," says Duncan McVey, introducing his wedding speech story with
this recipe for disaster.
Fifa Futbol Mundial (5.30pm)
"After dinner, the groom's extremely well-oiled brothers got up to
give their joint best man's speech.
Soccer AM's All Sports Show (6pm)
"'When [the groom] woke up this morning,' they began, 'he asked for
something large and cold and full of gin'.
Live Football League - Cardiff v Watford (7.30pm)
"'Unfortunately they brought in his future mother in law.'
Premiership Years (11pm)
"Cue stony silence, punctuated only by my oafish guffaws despite
hefty kicks from under the table. BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"They then went on to say they had been in touch with the groom's
former partners [holding up miniscule scrap of a list], and a few of
the bride's former partners [throwing reams of paper into the air]."
A winner every time, we're saying.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"'In fact,' they said, rounding things off nicely, 'the bride was so
popular that she was known as the grand old Duke of York.'"
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
And when they were up, they were up... eesh. Send your godawful best
man speeches to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked Have I Ever Told You
About The Time...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWCASTLE - 14-1 DOWN TO 5-1: BUT WHAT'S THE BET?
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
12 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Blue Is The Colour
* * * * * * * * * * * *
3, 2,1 ... LET-DOWN
With the Premiership kick-off just hours away, MU Redskins boss Sir
Alex Ferguson today showed that he's lost none of his sharpness or
competitive spirit. Responding to Slippery Peter Kenyon's comments,
made no later than last week, that this season's winners "would come
from a select group of one - Chelsea", Sir Alex took aim before
taking a metaphorical boot to his former colleague's forehead.
Unsurprisingly, he didn't miss. "You can't talk like that," he
spluttered, before adding a sly: "Fortunately, it is not someone
speaking with any knowledge of the game. Because it is not the
manager, you can take it with a pinch of salt. You have to dismiss
all other sources." All except the Fiver, surely?
You see, when it comes to predicting the destination of the
Premiership title, the Fiver agrees with Slippery Pete - which, like
being hogtied upside down from a city-centre lamp-post, is an unusual
and highly uncomfortable position to be in. Chelsea may have missed
out on their major summer targets - Adriano, Andriy Shevchenko and
Samuel Eto'o - but they've still strengthened in key positions.
What's more, when they splurge on Michael Essien, as seems
inevitable, they'll prove they can spend a wacky amount of money on
someone that they don't really need but whom both the Redskins (Roy
Keane going, going) and Arsenal (Patrick Vieira gone) would love.
Still, as those two could themselves point out, the league being won
by the team with the most money is nothing new.
Meanwhile at the bottom end of the table - and yes, we can say that
even before the season has started - West Ham boss Alan Pardew is
confident his club can buck at least one trend: the tendency for
newly-promoted sides to go straight back down. "I sincerely think we
won't be involved in a last-day relegation scrap," he declared,
folding his arms. "I think Wigan are not the hot favourites to finish
in the bottom three that everyone has predicted, nor us, nor
Sunderland," he continued unabashed. "Maybe some of the big sides
will be dragged into it." As Newcastle and THFC fans began arguing
over whether or not that includes their club, the Fiver accepted that
Pardew may have a point. And that Fulham, West Brom and Portsmouth
better start getting a few too.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I would be disappointed if they did make him go, because flying can
make the joints swell up" - the Pope's O' Rangers boss Alex McCleish
comes up with an innovative excuse to stop Dado Prso joining up with
the Croatia squad.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Dvd O Lry has wheeled out his newest weapon in the GBP6.5m battle to
sign Milan Baros, getting compatriot Patrik Berger to tell the
Liverpool striker how good life is at Villa Park.
Malcolm Glazer wants to sign an American for the MU Redskins. Standard
Liege defensive lineman Oguchi Onyewu fits that bill, with GBP3m the
asking price.
And Michael Ballack's Mr 10% spies a big payday for his client and,
more importantly, for himself, having approached Internazionale,
Juventus and Milan over potential moves.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
You'll be absolutely delighted to know there's a Michael Essien
update: Gerard Houllier has dropped him from Lyon's team to face
Marseille this weekend and will keep him sidelined until he finally
commits to the club. Could be waiting a while, then.
Paul Scholes will be enjoying his international retirement at the
Vodafone Glazerena a little while longer after extending his contract
until 2009.
Kieron Dyer has finally confirmed a four-year booking at the Newcastle
Comedy Club.
Former Leicester City goalkeeper Zeljko Kalac has, quite remarkably,
signed for AC Milan.
David Bentley has finally got fed up of being farmed out on
season-long loans by Arsenal and has submitted a transfer request.
And Nicky Summerbee has completed his round-the-country career journey
by penning a short-term deal with Swindon, the club he began his
career with almost 16 years ago.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
It's your last chance to sign up for the new Fantasy Chairman season,
so what are you waiting for? guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up now for FREE news alerts sent FREE to your desktop - for FREE!
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/
Get down with both your bad self and Paul Ince as Kid Creole in the
Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1546188,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Pat Porter's slur on 'cheating, drug-fuelled, smaller-than-life,
Latin love machine' Diego Maradona. Get over it Pat. How quickly you
forget his second goal where he ran rings around England with
possibly the best World Cup goal of all time. Nineteen years is a
long time to have such sour grapes" - Will Lambe.
"It never ceases to amuse me how obsessed English fans are with the
Hand of God. Among other insults, Pat Porter (yesterday's Fiver)
manages to call Maradona a cheat twice in two lines, while neglecting
to mention that he was also probably the greatest footballer ever. Or
did he think that was Michael Owen (who of course never cheats by,
for instance, falling over unchallenged in the penalty area)?" - Pete
Hudson, Buenos Aires.
"Andrew Shrubb (Fiver letters, yesterday) tactfully didn't mention the
obvious: Ron Jeremy didn't need to use his hand to punch the ball
into the goal" - Geoffrey Vine.
"I see that some of your readers find it funny to make jokes about
Maradona. Being from Argentina I find this a little annoying, so I
decided to make jokes about a British player that has succeeded in
the last 20 years, but I can't find any. Can you please help me?
Should I try with a tennis player, the last winner of a Grand Slam,
for example?" - Gaston Schettino, Buenos Aires.
"I think that Andy Gray's latest article on Sky (see here:
www.skysports.com/skysports/article/0,,1-1191815,00.html) must
break some kind of record in terms of number of cliches/word count. I
counted 17 including three references to 'big boys'. Can anyone beat
that?" - Elliot Jacobs.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Pete Hudson.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Preview (5pm & 7pm)
"My friend, a public school Geordie and supporter of NUCC, got
married to a lovely lady from a respectable conservative church-going
family," says Duncan McVey, introducing his wedding speech story with
this recipe for disaster.
Fifa Futbol Mundial (5.30pm)
"After dinner, the groom's extremely well-oiled brothers got up to
give their joint best man's speech.
Soccer AM's All Sports Show (6pm)
"'When [the groom] woke up this morning,' they began, 'he asked for
something large and cold and full of gin'.
Live Football League - Cardiff v Watford (7.30pm)
"'Unfortunately they brought in his future mother in law.'
Premiership Years (11pm)
"Cue stony silence, punctuated only by my oafish guffaws despite
hefty kicks from under the table. BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"They then went on to say they had been in touch with the groom's
former partners [holding up miniscule scrap of a list], and a few of
the bride's former partners [throwing reams of paper into the air]."
A winner every time, we're saying.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"'In fact,' they said, rounding things off nicely, 'the bride was so
popular that she was known as the grand old Duke of York.'"
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
And when they were up, they were up... eesh. Send your godawful best
man speeches to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked Have I Ever Told You
About The Time...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWCASTLE - 14-1 DOWN TO 5-1: BUT WHAT'S THE BET?
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.