Post by Salem6 on Aug 12, 2005 5:10:42 GMT
The Fiver
11 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: To The Lord Of The Manor Of Frodsham? Scorn
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ANOTHER FINE MESS?
As the self-respecting charlatan's charlatan, the Fiver's long been
looking to make a quick buck. A rich, silver-haired publishing
magnate never having found our dingy corner of GU Towers, we've had
to wait until now for our chance: we're off to Bulgaria, to set-up a
jewellery stall (sovereign rings a speciality) outside CSKA Sofia's
stadium. After the racist abuse received by black Liverpool players
in last night's Big Cup clash, we reckon all that knuckle-dragging
should see us retiring in the sun within months. "It's hurtful," said
Djibril Cisse, Lord of the Manor of Frodsham and the target of Sofia
fans' baser urges. "It's a shame, but there are lots of stupid people
sometimes at these games and as a player you can't do anything about
it." He's right. It seems no amount of player action will keep Uefa
blazers away from matches these days, but we can certainly expect
them to steer clear of this latest opportunity to kick wristban ...
sorry, racism out of football.
In the last few years, Graeme Souness alone has notched up GBP40,000
in FA fines for telling a shoddy referee a bit about himself -
eventually ditching his moustache because he couldn't afford its
upkeep. Lord Ferg of Purple-cheeks had to cough up nearly GBP5,000
for suggesting the Big Cup draw was fixed a couple of years back,
while Celtic were fined GBP2,300 by Uefa after a fan "provoked"
El-Hadji Diouf into gobbing all over him.
Meanwhile in the far less heinous world of white supremacism, Luis
Aragones was forced to pluck GBP2,000 from his money clip for calling
Thierry Henry a "black sh*t", Atletico Madrid found themselves a
whopping GBP420 out of pocket after fans made monkey noises at
Roberto Carlos, and Albacete were docked the same amount when fans
abused Samuel Eto'o - a fine that was later halved on appeal. Such
slaps on the wrist are not exactly what we'd call prohibitive action,
which is a shame, especially as the Fiver went to an awful lot of
trouble to find out what that phrase means.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: SOFA CINEMA
Get two free cinema tickets and free unlimited DVD rentals for a month
when you subscribe to the Guardian's new DVD rental service:
www.guardian.co.uk/sofacinema
* * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Joey has come back in and will fight for a place in the team" - an
unfortunate turn of phrase from Manchester City boss Stuart Pearce,
who has named Joey Barton in his squad for Saturday's season-opener
against West Brom ... alongside Richard Dunne.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Gymnastic genius Lomana LuaLua has pleaded with Portsmouth not to sell
him. THFC, who hope to make him their 68th summer signing, and
Monaco are keen.
Pompey, meanwhile, plan to go back to the Greek well once again and
pinch Sotrios Kyrgiakos from Panathinaikos as a replacement for Arjan
de Zeeuw.
Fabrice Fernandes is being lured back to the Premiership by Big Sam,
who clearly thinks the '1977' on the Southampton midfielder's birth
certificate is a typo.
Both West Ham and Man City are positioning themselves as close to
Joleon Lescott's bizarro-Gerrard forehead as possible, after the
Wolves defender rejected a new contract.
And Newcastle Comedy Club have pulled alongside Middlesbrough in the
GBP6m race to sign Sporting Lisbon's Rudolphe Douala, the man who
helped dump both clubs out of Euro Vase last season.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Disorganised chaos abounds in Italy, where the start of the season
looks like being delayed for a fourth season on the trot due to
financial problems and the fall-out of the recent match-fixing
scandal.
Cesc Fabregas, Arsenal's one successful signing from Spain, has
stamped his autograph on a contract to keep him at the club until
2011.
The England casualties are already being totted up: Ledley King will
miss next week's friendly against Denmark with a groin strain.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
You were beaten by a girl last season - sort it out by signing up for
Fantasy Chairman NOW! guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Get down with both your bad self and Paul Ince as Kid Creole in the
Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1546188,00.html
Sign up now for FREE news alerts sent FREE to your desktop - for FREE!
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/
Did 16 football pundits actually feature in a single top-flight game?
The Knowledge has the answer:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1545653,00.html
Give the Aussies a battering of your own in Stick Cricket, one of the
greatest internet sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Check out our all-singing-and-dancing Ashes special report, with OBO
coverage of all the action: sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Am I the only one to wonder why Republic of Ireland manager Brian
Kerr doesn't sneak into Zinedine Zidane's bedroom, hide under the bed
and tell him to go back into retirement? Ideally Lilian Thuram and
Claude Makelele will follow suit" - David O'Callaghan.
"I can't imagine what all the fuss is about in calling most teams in
the Premiership mediocre. After all, Jean Giraudoux [French dramatist
who developed an antiheroic attitude of comic irony - patronising
Fiver Ed] is purported to have said that 'only the mediocre are
always at their best!' And I bet many a manager wishes they had said
that" - Chris English.
"Unbeknownst to many, Maradona has already been portrayed on the
silver screen by the inimitable Ron Jeremy, in the little known
Italian bongo-flick S*x World Cup. I wonder if the similarities
extend beyond their ever-expanding guts?" - Andrew Shrubb.
"Can I nominate Eddie Large to play the cheating, drug-fuelled,
smaller-than-life, Latin love machine? If they come only as a pair,
Sid Little could play Peter Beardsley and possibly Peter Reid too,
still trying to catch the little cheat" - Pat Porter.
"When are these lemmings of Newcastle-bashing Fiver readers going to
come up with something original? No one thought of the comedy club
gag until two weeks ago when everyone got sick of Bongo FC. Anyway,
there's nothing wrong with chop-Souey clearing out the dead wood.
Just a pity that only leaves us with, er, no wood" - Jon Howey,
Rotterdam [An absence of wood wouldn't go down well at Bongo FC -
Fiver Ed].
"Re: Matt Stephenson's thinly-veiled attack on Rangers yesterday.
There is only one Scottish pub team left in Big Cup and it's not
yours, mate!" - Gavin Kean.
"Good to see in yesterday's Fiver that the 'honk!' count was back up
again after a lengthy absence. Your standards had been getting too
high for far too long - it couldn't last!" - Chris Scott.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: David O'Callaghan.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
BBC Two: Extras (9pm)
Yesterday we asked for your tales of Best Man derring-don't and like
gift-wrapped toasters at a wedding, they've come in their droves. So
[Fiver tinks spoon against champagne flute] without further ado,
please be upstanding for Graham Russell.
Five: John Barnes's Football Night (12am)
"A few years ago I attended a wedding in Yorkshire," begins Graham,
conjuring up images of a Woolpack full of James Herriotts, Geoffrey
Boycotts and other no-nonsense whippet-worriers saying "'Ot dinner
and entertainers? Eeh by gum!"
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Review (6pm)
"Having not visited this part of the north before, I was more than
impressed with the way the locals were able to put away their beer,"
continues Graham, neglecting to mention whether or not he's a
southern pansy.
Football League Review (7pm)
"By the time the speeches began, however, it was clear that the best
man was relaxed to say the least.
Premiership Years (11pm)
"Instead of politely thanking the father of the bride for laying on
the do, he decided to reveal that the proud dad had funded the
wedding by defrauding the local post office."
Sky Sports Xtra: Fifa Futbol Mundial (12.30am)
Oh dear. Still, it could have been worse, eh?
British Eurosport: Big Cup (8.15pm)
"Even more startling was his revelation that the groom's brother had
been 'having it away' with the bride."
BBC Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (5.20pm)
Oh jayzus ...
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"The police arrived fairly promptly to break up the ensuing punch-up,
but the happy couple were no longer together by the time the bride's
father had his day in court."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
A fine start to our latest riff and no mistake. Have you seen
somebody's big day ruined with an ill-judged speech or stunt? If so,
we want to hear from you. Send your emails to the.boss@guardian.co.uk
marked If I'm The Best Man, Why Is She Marrying Him?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
COME ON KEVIN, KNOCK 167
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
11 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: To The Lord Of The Manor Of Frodsham? Scorn
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ANOTHER FINE MESS?
As the self-respecting charlatan's charlatan, the Fiver's long been
looking to make a quick buck. A rich, silver-haired publishing
magnate never having found our dingy corner of GU Towers, we've had
to wait until now for our chance: we're off to Bulgaria, to set-up a
jewellery stall (sovereign rings a speciality) outside CSKA Sofia's
stadium. After the racist abuse received by black Liverpool players
in last night's Big Cup clash, we reckon all that knuckle-dragging
should see us retiring in the sun within months. "It's hurtful," said
Djibril Cisse, Lord of the Manor of Frodsham and the target of Sofia
fans' baser urges. "It's a shame, but there are lots of stupid people
sometimes at these games and as a player you can't do anything about
it." He's right. It seems no amount of player action will keep Uefa
blazers away from matches these days, but we can certainly expect
them to steer clear of this latest opportunity to kick wristban ...
sorry, racism out of football.
In the last few years, Graeme Souness alone has notched up GBP40,000
in FA fines for telling a shoddy referee a bit about himself -
eventually ditching his moustache because he couldn't afford its
upkeep. Lord Ferg of Purple-cheeks had to cough up nearly GBP5,000
for suggesting the Big Cup draw was fixed a couple of years back,
while Celtic were fined GBP2,300 by Uefa after a fan "provoked"
El-Hadji Diouf into gobbing all over him.
Meanwhile in the far less heinous world of white supremacism, Luis
Aragones was forced to pluck GBP2,000 from his money clip for calling
Thierry Henry a "black sh*t", Atletico Madrid found themselves a
whopping GBP420 out of pocket after fans made monkey noises at
Roberto Carlos, and Albacete were docked the same amount when fans
abused Samuel Eto'o - a fine that was later halved on appeal. Such
slaps on the wrist are not exactly what we'd call prohibitive action,
which is a shame, especially as the Fiver went to an awful lot of
trouble to find out what that phrase means.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: SOFA CINEMA
Get two free cinema tickets and free unlimited DVD rentals for a month
when you subscribe to the Guardian's new DVD rental service:
www.guardian.co.uk/sofacinema
* * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Joey has come back in and will fight for a place in the team" - an
unfortunate turn of phrase from Manchester City boss Stuart Pearce,
who has named Joey Barton in his squad for Saturday's season-opener
against West Brom ... alongside Richard Dunne.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Gymnastic genius Lomana LuaLua has pleaded with Portsmouth not to sell
him. THFC, who hope to make him their 68th summer signing, and
Monaco are keen.
Pompey, meanwhile, plan to go back to the Greek well once again and
pinch Sotrios Kyrgiakos from Panathinaikos as a replacement for Arjan
de Zeeuw.
Fabrice Fernandes is being lured back to the Premiership by Big Sam,
who clearly thinks the '1977' on the Southampton midfielder's birth
certificate is a typo.
Both West Ham and Man City are positioning themselves as close to
Joleon Lescott's bizarro-Gerrard forehead as possible, after the
Wolves defender rejected a new contract.
And Newcastle Comedy Club have pulled alongside Middlesbrough in the
GBP6m race to sign Sporting Lisbon's Rudolphe Douala, the man who
helped dump both clubs out of Euro Vase last season.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Disorganised chaos abounds in Italy, where the start of the season
looks like being delayed for a fourth season on the trot due to
financial problems and the fall-out of the recent match-fixing
scandal.
Cesc Fabregas, Arsenal's one successful signing from Spain, has
stamped his autograph on a contract to keep him at the club until
2011.
The England casualties are already being totted up: Ledley King will
miss next week's friendly against Denmark with a groin strain.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
You were beaten by a girl last season - sort it out by signing up for
Fantasy Chairman NOW! guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Get down with both your bad self and Paul Ince as Kid Creole in the
Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1546188,00.html
Sign up now for FREE news alerts sent FREE to your desktop - for FREE!
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/
Did 16 football pundits actually feature in a single top-flight game?
The Knowledge has the answer:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1545653,00.html
Give the Aussies a battering of your own in Stick Cricket, one of the
greatest internet sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Check out our all-singing-and-dancing Ashes special report, with OBO
coverage of all the action: sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Am I the only one to wonder why Republic of Ireland manager Brian
Kerr doesn't sneak into Zinedine Zidane's bedroom, hide under the bed
and tell him to go back into retirement? Ideally Lilian Thuram and
Claude Makelele will follow suit" - David O'Callaghan.
"I can't imagine what all the fuss is about in calling most teams in
the Premiership mediocre. After all, Jean Giraudoux [French dramatist
who developed an antiheroic attitude of comic irony - patronising
Fiver Ed] is purported to have said that 'only the mediocre are
always at their best!' And I bet many a manager wishes they had said
that" - Chris English.
"Unbeknownst to many, Maradona has already been portrayed on the
silver screen by the inimitable Ron Jeremy, in the little known
Italian bongo-flick S*x World Cup. I wonder if the similarities
extend beyond their ever-expanding guts?" - Andrew Shrubb.
"Can I nominate Eddie Large to play the cheating, drug-fuelled,
smaller-than-life, Latin love machine? If they come only as a pair,
Sid Little could play Peter Beardsley and possibly Peter Reid too,
still trying to catch the little cheat" - Pat Porter.
"When are these lemmings of Newcastle-bashing Fiver readers going to
come up with something original? No one thought of the comedy club
gag until two weeks ago when everyone got sick of Bongo FC. Anyway,
there's nothing wrong with chop-Souey clearing out the dead wood.
Just a pity that only leaves us with, er, no wood" - Jon Howey,
Rotterdam [An absence of wood wouldn't go down well at Bongo FC -
Fiver Ed].
"Re: Matt Stephenson's thinly-veiled attack on Rangers yesterday.
There is only one Scottish pub team left in Big Cup and it's not
yours, mate!" - Gavin Kean.
"Good to see in yesterday's Fiver that the 'honk!' count was back up
again after a lengthy absence. Your standards had been getting too
high for far too long - it couldn't last!" - Chris Scott.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: David O'Callaghan.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
BBC Two: Extras (9pm)
Yesterday we asked for your tales of Best Man derring-don't and like
gift-wrapped toasters at a wedding, they've come in their droves. So
[Fiver tinks spoon against champagne flute] without further ado,
please be upstanding for Graham Russell.
Five: John Barnes's Football Night (12am)
"A few years ago I attended a wedding in Yorkshire," begins Graham,
conjuring up images of a Woolpack full of James Herriotts, Geoffrey
Boycotts and other no-nonsense whippet-worriers saying "'Ot dinner
and entertainers? Eeh by gum!"
Sky Sports 1: Premier League Review (6pm)
"Having not visited this part of the north before, I was more than
impressed with the way the locals were able to put away their beer,"
continues Graham, neglecting to mention whether or not he's a
southern pansy.
Football League Review (7pm)
"By the time the speeches began, however, it was clear that the best
man was relaxed to say the least.
Premiership Years (11pm)
"Instead of politely thanking the father of the bride for laying on
the do, he decided to reveal that the proud dad had funded the
wedding by defrauding the local post office."
Sky Sports Xtra: Fifa Futbol Mundial (12.30am)
Oh dear. Still, it could have been worse, eh?
British Eurosport: Big Cup (8.15pm)
"Even more startling was his revelation that the groom's brother had
been 'having it away' with the bride."
BBC Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (5.20pm)
Oh jayzus ...
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"The police arrived fairly promptly to break up the ensuing punch-up,
but the happy couple were no longer together by the time the bride's
father had his day in court."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
A fine start to our latest riff and no mistake. Have you seen
somebody's big day ruined with an ill-judged speech or stunt? If so,
we want to hear from you. Send your emails to the.boss@guardian.co.uk
marked If I'm The Best Man, Why Is She Marrying Him?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
COME ON KEVIN, KNOCK 167
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.