Post by Salem6 on Aug 10, 2005 21:56:24 GMT
The Fiver
10 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Knockdown Model
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GOING JAPANESE
When Network Q conducted a lame (even by the low standards of
marketing "creatives") poll to see which Premiership manager would
make the best used-car salesman, they could never have imagined how
much mileage [honk!] [double honk! - Fiver Ed] their staggeringly
stupid idea would get from us. Yesterday we revealed that dealings in
the transfer market had catapulted Sam Allardyce top of the poll, a
revelation that suggested those surveyed were vintage car enthusiasts
with a fetish for bangers with too many miles on the clock.
But today it emerged that a comparatively new Japanese model could
soon be taking pride of place on the Bolton wheeler-dealer's Reebok
lot. Having been seduced by Big Sam's silver-tongued patter,
Fiorentina are ready to flog him a Hidetoshi Nakata at a knockdown
price, because they can no longer afford to keep it on the road.
However, aged 28 and with five careless Italian owners, some might
say this oriental super-car's days are behind it and there's not much
left in the tank...
CUT TO OUTSIDE BROADCAST, WITH FIVER'S PATHETIC MIDDLE-AGED,
501-WEARING COUSIN, FIVER CLARKSON, SHOUTING TO CAMERA AS HE ENJOYS
KICKABOUT WITH JAPANESE SUPERSTAR: ... "But while Americans are
stupid and all French people smell and go haw-hee-haw, there are few
compromises with the Nakata! Although finely tuned and occasionally
temperamental, on a good day its powerful boxer engine takes control
of midfields at home and away! Meanwhile its sleek looks and
distinctive oriental styling will turn heads wherever you decide to
take it!"
Which is to the Premiership, if Big Sam gets his way. "Hidetoshi is a
player I admire and it would be great to have him on board. We will
see how the talks progress over the next couple of days," he
declared, flipping through a Michelin calendar in his Portakabin
office in Bolton. Assuming the Trotters boss lives up to his
reputation, expect to see the clock stopped on his shabby, rusting
Okocha land-cruiser, which will be put up on blocks and used for
spare parts and scrap.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I will be resting in jail for a couple of weeks and found no reason
to save my strength" - Valerenga midfielder Ardian Gashi, moments
after helping his side to a 1-0 Big Cup win over Club Bruges last
night. Today he's gone to jail for 18 days for speeding. Rio
Ferdinand is said to be shocked.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Who played football and cricket for England, held a long jump world
record and was even offered the throne of Albania? Find out in the
Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1545653,00.html
Win monthly trips to European games, retro kits and GBP10,000 - sign
up for Fantasy Chairman NOW! guardian.fantasyleague.com/
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Peguy Luyindula, who was signed by Marseille to fill Didier Drogba's
size-13s, is being shipped out on loan to either Portsmouth or
Auxerre.
Bolton have ended their interest in Bordeaux midfielder Rio Mavuba -
probably because he's only 21 - but that won't stop Arsene Wenger
from moving in.
Martin Jol wants yet another midfielder at THFC: Pas Tehran's Iranian
international Javad Nekounam.
Tired of coining it in with Qatari outfit Al-Ahli, ageing Spanish
midfielder Josep Guardiola wants to coin it in at Manchester City.
And TV sitcom Taking The Michael, revolving around the goings-on of a
Lyon midfielder's protracted move to Chelsea, has reached its season
finale. Grumpy neighbour Roman eventually decides to give the French
club GBP27m, before speeding off downhill in a runaway bath.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Sparta Rotterdam striker Rachid Bouaouzan has been given a six-month
suspended jail sentence for breaking an opponent's leg during a match
last December.
The reason steam is emanating from the ears of frustrated Bernard
Cribbens? Summer signing Mehdi Nafti could miss Bongo FC's entire
season after damaging his cruciate ligament.
John O'Shea and Sami Hyypia have signed new contracts with MU
Glazerhawks and Liverpool respectively, while Gilberto Silva has
pledged to stay with Arsenal.
And, possibly to stop cruel people making clown gags about their
comedy club, Newcastle have pulled the plug on a loan move for
Internazionale defender Francesco Coco.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Get the lowdown on all 20 runners and riders, with plenty more to
boot, in Big Paper's guide to the new Premiership season (look away
now if you're a Sunderland fan):
football.guardian.co.uk/season2005/
"Played them 'til my fingers bled, was the summer of 05" - presumably
what Bryan Adams would warble about the greatest internet sports
games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: David Hopps on Michael Vaughan,
Lawrence Donegan on Vijay Singh's Tiger problem and Kevin McCarra
compares the big four in the Premiership's squads.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: SOFA CINEMA
Get two free cinema tickets and free unlimited DVD rentals for a month
when you subscribe to the Guardian's new DVD rental service:
www.guardian.co.uk/sofacinema
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Me*di*o*cre adj. Moderate to inferior in quality; ordinary. After 50
years without a trophy, I think Newcastle Comedy Club would take that
as a compliment" - Neil Sutton.
" I can't stop sniggering at the image of Bobo [Balde] and [Francesco]
Coco greeting Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd with electric
handshake buzzers and water-squirting buttonholes, before being
issued with square-wheeled, collapsible club cars to park outside the
St James's Park Big Top" - Tony Jordan.
"Re: James Geldart's letter about Balde joining Coco at Newcastle.
That would never happen, as Souness only signs sub-standard Scottish
pub team players from the Pope's O'Rangers: Barry Ferguson, Craig
Moore, Tugay, Lorenzo Amoruso etc." - Matt Stephenson.
"Re: Stephen P's complaints about reporting of Everton's European
forays (yesterday's Fiver letters). On the evidence of last night,
the 2005-06 campaign will be equally as forgettable as the one 10
years ago. Perhaps Stephen should brace himself for talk of 21 years
since the last outing if Everton squeeze into Europe next year" - Tom
Dowler.
"Who is going to play Maradona in the film of his life (yesterday's
Fiver)? Can I nominate the little bloke from The Man With The Golden
Gun?" - Dean Anderson [Er, he killed himself in 1993 - Fiver Ed].
"Re: yesterday's Zidane quote. I couldn't help thinking that he sounds
an awful lot like Donnie Darko. Is he ill?" - Ethan Mackintosh.
"Given the time of Zidane's visitation was 3am exactly, it was
probably Jessica, Eva or Caroline from the Mirror who persuaded him
to come out of international retirement" - Adrian Johnson. [Actually
it was his brother - Fiver Ed]
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Dean Anderson just, from Tony Jordan.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Big Cup Live: CSKA Sofia v Liverpool (7.30pm)
We've come to the end of your brushes-with-fame stories.
Five: Argentine Football (4.30am)
There were one or two left, admittedly, but having a swift half with
Dean from Big Brother does not make you famous for 15 minutes, Donna
Marks.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (57pm)
Next we want to hear about the best man's speeches you gave/witnessed
that were (a) thigh-slappingly funny, or (b) face-punchingly
ill-judged.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Send them to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked Perhaps It Was Unwise to
Mention the Groom's Interest in Gerbils.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
SEE TALKING TO TERRORISTS
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
10 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Knockdown Model
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GOING JAPANESE
When Network Q conducted a lame (even by the low standards of
marketing "creatives") poll to see which Premiership manager would
make the best used-car salesman, they could never have imagined how
much mileage [honk!] [double honk! - Fiver Ed] their staggeringly
stupid idea would get from us. Yesterday we revealed that dealings in
the transfer market had catapulted Sam Allardyce top of the poll, a
revelation that suggested those surveyed were vintage car enthusiasts
with a fetish for bangers with too many miles on the clock.
But today it emerged that a comparatively new Japanese model could
soon be taking pride of place on the Bolton wheeler-dealer's Reebok
lot. Having been seduced by Big Sam's silver-tongued patter,
Fiorentina are ready to flog him a Hidetoshi Nakata at a knockdown
price, because they can no longer afford to keep it on the road.
However, aged 28 and with five careless Italian owners, some might
say this oriental super-car's days are behind it and there's not much
left in the tank...
CUT TO OUTSIDE BROADCAST, WITH FIVER'S PATHETIC MIDDLE-AGED,
501-WEARING COUSIN, FIVER CLARKSON, SHOUTING TO CAMERA AS HE ENJOYS
KICKABOUT WITH JAPANESE SUPERSTAR: ... "But while Americans are
stupid and all French people smell and go haw-hee-haw, there are few
compromises with the Nakata! Although finely tuned and occasionally
temperamental, on a good day its powerful boxer engine takes control
of midfields at home and away! Meanwhile its sleek looks and
distinctive oriental styling will turn heads wherever you decide to
take it!"
Which is to the Premiership, if Big Sam gets his way. "Hidetoshi is a
player I admire and it would be great to have him on board. We will
see how the talks progress over the next couple of days," he
declared, flipping through a Michelin calendar in his Portakabin
office in Bolton. Assuming the Trotters boss lives up to his
reputation, expect to see the clock stopped on his shabby, rusting
Okocha land-cruiser, which will be put up on blocks and used for
spare parts and scrap.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I will be resting in jail for a couple of weeks and found no reason
to save my strength" - Valerenga midfielder Ardian Gashi, moments
after helping his side to a 1-0 Big Cup win over Club Bruges last
night. Today he's gone to jail for 18 days for speeding. Rio
Ferdinand is said to be shocked.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Who played football and cricket for England, held a long jump world
record and was even offered the throne of Albania? Find out in the
Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1545653,00.html
Win monthly trips to European games, retro kits and GBP10,000 - sign
up for Fantasy Chairman NOW! guardian.fantasyleague.com/
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Peguy Luyindula, who was signed by Marseille to fill Didier Drogba's
size-13s, is being shipped out on loan to either Portsmouth or
Auxerre.
Bolton have ended their interest in Bordeaux midfielder Rio Mavuba -
probably because he's only 21 - but that won't stop Arsene Wenger
from moving in.
Martin Jol wants yet another midfielder at THFC: Pas Tehran's Iranian
international Javad Nekounam.
Tired of coining it in with Qatari outfit Al-Ahli, ageing Spanish
midfielder Josep Guardiola wants to coin it in at Manchester City.
And TV sitcom Taking The Michael, revolving around the goings-on of a
Lyon midfielder's protracted move to Chelsea, has reached its season
finale. Grumpy neighbour Roman eventually decides to give the French
club GBP27m, before speeding off downhill in a runaway bath.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Sparta Rotterdam striker Rachid Bouaouzan has been given a six-month
suspended jail sentence for breaking an opponent's leg during a match
last December.
The reason steam is emanating from the ears of frustrated Bernard
Cribbens? Summer signing Mehdi Nafti could miss Bongo FC's entire
season after damaging his cruciate ligament.
John O'Shea and Sami Hyypia have signed new contracts with MU
Glazerhawks and Liverpool respectively, while Gilberto Silva has
pledged to stay with Arsenal.
And, possibly to stop cruel people making clown gags about their
comedy club, Newcastle have pulled the plug on a loan move for
Internazionale defender Francesco Coco.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Get the lowdown on all 20 runners and riders, with plenty more to
boot, in Big Paper's guide to the new Premiership season (look away
now if you're a Sunderland fan):
football.guardian.co.uk/season2005/
"Played them 'til my fingers bled, was the summer of 05" - presumably
what Bryan Adams would warble about the greatest internet sports
games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: David Hopps on Michael Vaughan,
Lawrence Donegan on Vijay Singh's Tiger problem and Kevin McCarra
compares the big four in the Premiership's squads.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: SOFA CINEMA
Get two free cinema tickets and free unlimited DVD rentals for a month
when you subscribe to the Guardian's new DVD rental service:
www.guardian.co.uk/sofacinema
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Me*di*o*cre adj. Moderate to inferior in quality; ordinary. After 50
years without a trophy, I think Newcastle Comedy Club would take that
as a compliment" - Neil Sutton.
" I can't stop sniggering at the image of Bobo [Balde] and [Francesco]
Coco greeting Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd with electric
handshake buzzers and water-squirting buttonholes, before being
issued with square-wheeled, collapsible club cars to park outside the
St James's Park Big Top" - Tony Jordan.
"Re: James Geldart's letter about Balde joining Coco at Newcastle.
That would never happen, as Souness only signs sub-standard Scottish
pub team players from the Pope's O'Rangers: Barry Ferguson, Craig
Moore, Tugay, Lorenzo Amoruso etc." - Matt Stephenson.
"Re: Stephen P's complaints about reporting of Everton's European
forays (yesterday's Fiver letters). On the evidence of last night,
the 2005-06 campaign will be equally as forgettable as the one 10
years ago. Perhaps Stephen should brace himself for talk of 21 years
since the last outing if Everton squeeze into Europe next year" - Tom
Dowler.
"Who is going to play Maradona in the film of his life (yesterday's
Fiver)? Can I nominate the little bloke from The Man With The Golden
Gun?" - Dean Anderson [Er, he killed himself in 1993 - Fiver Ed].
"Re: yesterday's Zidane quote. I couldn't help thinking that he sounds
an awful lot like Donnie Darko. Is he ill?" - Ethan Mackintosh.
"Given the time of Zidane's visitation was 3am exactly, it was
probably Jessica, Eva or Caroline from the Mirror who persuaded him
to come out of international retirement" - Adrian Johnson. [Actually
it was his brother - Fiver Ed]
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Dean Anderson just, from Tony Jordan.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Big Cup Live: CSKA Sofia v Liverpool (7.30pm)
We've come to the end of your brushes-with-fame stories.
Five: Argentine Football (4.30am)
There were one or two left, admittedly, but having a swift half with
Dean from Big Brother does not make you famous for 15 minutes, Donna
Marks.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (57pm)
Next we want to hear about the best man's speeches you gave/witnessed
that were (a) thigh-slappingly funny, or (b) face-punchingly
ill-judged.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Send them to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked Perhaps It Was Unwise to
Mention the Groom's Interest in Gerbils.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
SEE TALKING TO TERRORISTS
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.