Post by Salem6 on Aug 9, 2005 22:20:10 GMT
The Fiver
09 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Dogs Of War
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CHARGE OF THE FIGHT BRIGADE
When Perry met Sally. That's the caption The Fiver habitually scrawls
under photos of Diego Forlan, the prolific striker who looks like a
cross between former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell and
trackside TV babe Sally Gunnell [Eh? - Fiver Ed]. But never mind
that: what Everton fans should be fretting about tonight is what the
Glazerbacks reject will do with crosses pinged between David Weir and
Per Kroldrup. If he continues the form he showed for Villarreal last
season, chances are he'll get on the end of them and poop the
Goodison Park party like a flea invasion at Crufts.
We all know Everton could have hoped for an easier Big Cup draw to
mark their return to European competition after 10 years in the
wilderness, but that would be to emulate Forlan's former employers
and - potty-mouthed Scottish manager and hatred of Liverpool aside -
those two clubs have little in common. So instead, David Moyes must
devise a plan to shackle Juan Riquelme, the most creative player in
Spain - a task that will be made even tougher if Kroldrup, Leon Osman
and Marcus Bent fail last-minute fitness tests. Not least because
Gary Naysmith and Lee Carsley have been ruled out and Phil Neville is
definitely in.
Fortunately, Everton have one man with inside knowledge of La Liga, a
man who could perhaps explain how to outwit the visiting matadors. "I
know Villarreal very well," confided Everton's Deep Throat, standing
furtively in the shadows of the Goodison Park car park, albeit in a
shirt with the name 'Arteta' emblazoned on his shoulders. "They have
quality players and I wouldn't have chosen to play against them. I
have spoken to people in Spain and they have kept last season's form
going. They are a totally attacking team who like to keep the ball
and create a lot of chances. On a good day, they can score three or
four goals, easily." Gulp.
"But the Premiership is a stronger league physically than in Spain,"
continued agent Arteta, in more upbeat mood. "The guys here are big
and strong as well as being technically good." So now the scene is
set ahead of the Dogs Of War's opening battle tonight. Anyone else
reckon Everton will start with Duncan Ferguson and that Moyes's
team-talk will contain the rousing battle cry: over the top?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"One night, at 3am, I suddenly woke up and I then spoke with someone.
But no-one knows it. Neither my wife nor anyone else. Until I die I
will never tell [who that person was], this is just too crazy. This
is someone that you will probably never meet. During the hours that
followed I was on my own with that person, at home, and I took the
decision to come back. I had never experienced that before, I felt
pushed by this force, which dictated my behaviour. It was a
revelation for me, I had to obey that voice that was advising me" -
Zinedine Zidane reveals his, erm, enlightening reasons for returning
to the French international fold.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL - AN 'OH LORD, PLEASE LET IT STOP' SPECIAL
Whispers abound that the MU Glazeteers' denial of interest in Michael
Owen was pure bunkum, while there's also talk that Rafa Benitez has
been hoodwinked into bringing Liverpool's favourite son home.
Various tabloid hacks remain convinced Michael Essien will soon be
donning a Chelsea shirt, despite Lyon's protestations to the
contrary. And the fact that even Chelsea and Lyon fans stopped
reading their know-nothing guff weeks ago.
And gossipmongers are also sticking with their Jermaine Jenas to THFC
theory, with a GBP12m bid apparently imminent. That'll be the rest of
THFC' midfield chipping in a fiver each, then, eh?
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Newcastle Comedy Club's crack strikeforce for their season-opener at
Arsenal on Sunday will be chosen from Michael Chopra, Kieron Dyer and
James Milner, after it was revealed a calf problem could sideline
Alan Shearer.
Spain coach Luis 'Black $hit' Aragones has blamed his national team's
decline on the increasing number of foreign players in the Primera
Liga. "We have to change the rules," he blurted.
A film on the life of Diego Maradona is being planned by Italian
director Marco Risi, called "La Mano di Dio," named after the
Argentine's punch past Peter Shilton at the 1986 World Cup.
And a poll conducted by Network Q has found that a massive 34% of fans
consider the transfer dealings of Big Sam Allardyce at Bolton make
him the best suited Premiership manager to being a used-car salesman.
The Special One came second on 10.9%, with Blackeye Rovers boss Mark
Hughes, who recently signed Craig Bellamy, last with 0.6% of the
vote.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Everything you need to know about the new season and plenty you don't
with our 2005-06 preview:
football.guardian.co.uk/season2005/0,16353,1545102,00.html
Kevin McCarra wonders where it all went wrong for Li'l Mickey Owen:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1545463,00.html
Sign up for free desktop news alerts - they're free!
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Arthritis ahoy with our greatest internet sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Newcastle Comedy Club trying to secure the services of Francesco
Coco on loan from Internazionale. I presume I won't be alone in
pointing out the opportunity for Graeme Souness to complete his
slapstick summer signings by also purchasing Bobo Balde from Celtic"
- James Geldart.
"Re: Newcastle being the new THFC. Sixteen years of mid-table
mediocrity does not come close to not winning a major trophy for 50
years" - Simon Armitage.
"So 50 years without a single domestic trophy is something other than
mediocre, is it? And the InterToto is now counted as Europe? I can
only imagine that Ian Watson [yesterday's Fiver letters] must have
been one of the Deportivo 45, such is his blind devotion to the
greatness of the Toon" - Stephen Hull.
"It's a bit rich for Martin Price to be making premature claims of
mid-table mediocrity for Manchester City. It isn't that long since
they were playing derbies against Macclesfield and sneaking their way
up the league ladder through fluky play-off results. Mid-table
respectability is something to which all City fans might one day
aspire, but there's some way to go before they can be considered the
equals of either Tottenham or Newcastle" - Gabriel Boronat. [We're
puzzled. Is this argument over who's more or less mediocre? - Fiver
Ed].
"Why does almost every news article I read regarding Everton's foray
into Europe refer to their last attempt being 20 years ago? I know
our 1995-96 European campaign was forgettable, but it still
happened!" - Stephen P.
"If it took Cilla Black seven takes for her to hit the target from six
yards [yesterday's TV & Radio], then that makes her a better striker
than Andy Cole, in Glenn Hoddle's eyes at least" - Col, Nottingham.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: James Geldart.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
BBC One: Big Cup Live: MU Rowdies v Debrecen (8pm)
Well, we did ask. "Not quite naked, but my friends and me did get on
Fred's weather map," writes Steve Cunningham from Liverpool,
introducing today's tale of a Scouser's 15 minutes of infamy.
Channel Four: Best And Worst Places To Live In The UK (8pm)
"It was the summer hols between A-levels and university, and to
relieve the boredom we rang Granada, said we were a local historical
society and asked if they would they like us to come on This Morning
in authentic French peasant revolutionary garb." As you do.
Sky Sports 1: Soccer Special (7.30pm)
"The researcher was keen as they were having a French special for
Bastille Day. The fly in the ointment was that we had lied, we were
not a historical society and certainly had no authentic costumes."
You're On Sky Sports (10pm)
A rather large fly, some would say. Presumably you threw the
collective hat at the idea and went out sniffing glue for kicks
instead?
ITV2: Big Cup Live: Everton v Villarreal (7.30pm)
"Half a dozen of us turned up at the Liverpool Albert Dock studios
wearing bandanas, a selection of my mates' mum's best 70s frilly
blouses, pyjama bottoms and dodgy plastic toy swords straight from
the market. We thought they would take one look at us and tell us to
do one.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (5.20pm)
"Imagine our surprise when they looked genuinely pleased to see us,
took us down to make-up and made us storm the weather map at the end
of Fred's forecast. Live on national television, we set off
mini-cannons, got Fred on our shoulders and sang Chanson d'Amour.
Talksport: Kick-off (7pm)
"Then in true Scouse fashion we nicked the champagne and vol-au-vents
from the French food and drink-tasting segment. Scouse legend Sonia
was also on the show and I can confirm Judy Finnigan swears like a
trooper. I still have it on video ... my mum is so proud."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Reg Gilroy (7pm)
Is it any wonder, with such a swashbuckling opportunist for a son?
Can your fleeting moment in the spotlight top this? If so mail your
tale to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark it: Tonight Matthew, I'm
Going To Be Gary Glitter.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE WERE IMPRESSED THAT THEY WERE, BASICALLY, FOUR ATTRACTIVE FEMALE
DOCTORS
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
09 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Dogs Of War
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CHARGE OF THE FIGHT BRIGADE
When Perry met Sally. That's the caption The Fiver habitually scrawls
under photos of Diego Forlan, the prolific striker who looks like a
cross between former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell and
trackside TV babe Sally Gunnell [Eh? - Fiver Ed]. But never mind
that: what Everton fans should be fretting about tonight is what the
Glazerbacks reject will do with crosses pinged between David Weir and
Per Kroldrup. If he continues the form he showed for Villarreal last
season, chances are he'll get on the end of them and poop the
Goodison Park party like a flea invasion at Crufts.
We all know Everton could have hoped for an easier Big Cup draw to
mark their return to European competition after 10 years in the
wilderness, but that would be to emulate Forlan's former employers
and - potty-mouthed Scottish manager and hatred of Liverpool aside -
those two clubs have little in common. So instead, David Moyes must
devise a plan to shackle Juan Riquelme, the most creative player in
Spain - a task that will be made even tougher if Kroldrup, Leon Osman
and Marcus Bent fail last-minute fitness tests. Not least because
Gary Naysmith and Lee Carsley have been ruled out and Phil Neville is
definitely in.
Fortunately, Everton have one man with inside knowledge of La Liga, a
man who could perhaps explain how to outwit the visiting matadors. "I
know Villarreal very well," confided Everton's Deep Throat, standing
furtively in the shadows of the Goodison Park car park, albeit in a
shirt with the name 'Arteta' emblazoned on his shoulders. "They have
quality players and I wouldn't have chosen to play against them. I
have spoken to people in Spain and they have kept last season's form
going. They are a totally attacking team who like to keep the ball
and create a lot of chances. On a good day, they can score three or
four goals, easily." Gulp.
"But the Premiership is a stronger league physically than in Spain,"
continued agent Arteta, in more upbeat mood. "The guys here are big
and strong as well as being technically good." So now the scene is
set ahead of the Dogs Of War's opening battle tonight. Anyone else
reckon Everton will start with Duncan Ferguson and that Moyes's
team-talk will contain the rousing battle cry: over the top?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"One night, at 3am, I suddenly woke up and I then spoke with someone.
But no-one knows it. Neither my wife nor anyone else. Until I die I
will never tell [who that person was], this is just too crazy. This
is someone that you will probably never meet. During the hours that
followed I was on my own with that person, at home, and I took the
decision to come back. I had never experienced that before, I felt
pushed by this force, which dictated my behaviour. It was a
revelation for me, I had to obey that voice that was advising me" -
Zinedine Zidane reveals his, erm, enlightening reasons for returning
to the French international fold.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL - AN 'OH LORD, PLEASE LET IT STOP' SPECIAL
Whispers abound that the MU Glazeteers' denial of interest in Michael
Owen was pure bunkum, while there's also talk that Rafa Benitez has
been hoodwinked into bringing Liverpool's favourite son home.
Various tabloid hacks remain convinced Michael Essien will soon be
donning a Chelsea shirt, despite Lyon's protestations to the
contrary. And the fact that even Chelsea and Lyon fans stopped
reading their know-nothing guff weeks ago.
And gossipmongers are also sticking with their Jermaine Jenas to THFC
theory, with a GBP12m bid apparently imminent. That'll be the rest of
THFC' midfield chipping in a fiver each, then, eh?
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Newcastle Comedy Club's crack strikeforce for their season-opener at
Arsenal on Sunday will be chosen from Michael Chopra, Kieron Dyer and
James Milner, after it was revealed a calf problem could sideline
Alan Shearer.
Spain coach Luis 'Black $hit' Aragones has blamed his national team's
decline on the increasing number of foreign players in the Primera
Liga. "We have to change the rules," he blurted.
A film on the life of Diego Maradona is being planned by Italian
director Marco Risi, called "La Mano di Dio," named after the
Argentine's punch past Peter Shilton at the 1986 World Cup.
And a poll conducted by Network Q has found that a massive 34% of fans
consider the transfer dealings of Big Sam Allardyce at Bolton make
him the best suited Premiership manager to being a used-car salesman.
The Special One came second on 10.9%, with Blackeye Rovers boss Mark
Hughes, who recently signed Craig Bellamy, last with 0.6% of the
vote.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Everything you need to know about the new season and plenty you don't
with our 2005-06 preview:
football.guardian.co.uk/season2005/0,16353,1545102,00.html
Kevin McCarra wonders where it all went wrong for Li'l Mickey Owen:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1545463,00.html
Sign up for free desktop news alerts - they're free!
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Arthritis ahoy with our greatest internet sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Newcastle Comedy Club trying to secure the services of Francesco
Coco on loan from Internazionale. I presume I won't be alone in
pointing out the opportunity for Graeme Souness to complete his
slapstick summer signings by also purchasing Bobo Balde from Celtic"
- James Geldart.
"Re: Newcastle being the new THFC. Sixteen years of mid-table
mediocrity does not come close to not winning a major trophy for 50
years" - Simon Armitage.
"So 50 years without a single domestic trophy is something other than
mediocre, is it? And the InterToto is now counted as Europe? I can
only imagine that Ian Watson [yesterday's Fiver letters] must have
been one of the Deportivo 45, such is his blind devotion to the
greatness of the Toon" - Stephen Hull.
"It's a bit rich for Martin Price to be making premature claims of
mid-table mediocrity for Manchester City. It isn't that long since
they were playing derbies against Macclesfield and sneaking their way
up the league ladder through fluky play-off results. Mid-table
respectability is something to which all City fans might one day
aspire, but there's some way to go before they can be considered the
equals of either Tottenham or Newcastle" - Gabriel Boronat. [We're
puzzled. Is this argument over who's more or less mediocre? - Fiver
Ed].
"Why does almost every news article I read regarding Everton's foray
into Europe refer to their last attempt being 20 years ago? I know
our 1995-96 European campaign was forgettable, but it still
happened!" - Stephen P.
"If it took Cilla Black seven takes for her to hit the target from six
yards [yesterday's TV & Radio], then that makes her a better striker
than Andy Cole, in Glenn Hoddle's eyes at least" - Col, Nottingham.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: James Geldart.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
BBC One: Big Cup Live: MU Rowdies v Debrecen (8pm)
Well, we did ask. "Not quite naked, but my friends and me did get on
Fred's weather map," writes Steve Cunningham from Liverpool,
introducing today's tale of a Scouser's 15 minutes of infamy.
Channel Four: Best And Worst Places To Live In The UK (8pm)
"It was the summer hols between A-levels and university, and to
relieve the boredom we rang Granada, said we were a local historical
society and asked if they would they like us to come on This Morning
in authentic French peasant revolutionary garb." As you do.
Sky Sports 1: Soccer Special (7.30pm)
"The researcher was keen as they were having a French special for
Bastille Day. The fly in the ointment was that we had lied, we were
not a historical society and certainly had no authentic costumes."
You're On Sky Sports (10pm)
A rather large fly, some would say. Presumably you threw the
collective hat at the idea and went out sniffing glue for kicks
instead?
ITV2: Big Cup Live: Everton v Villarreal (7.30pm)
"Half a dozen of us turned up at the Liverpool Albert Dock studios
wearing bandanas, a selection of my mates' mum's best 70s frilly
blouses, pyjama bottoms and dodgy plastic toy swords straight from
the market. We thought they would take one look at us and tell us to
do one.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (5.20pm)
"Imagine our surprise when they looked genuinely pleased to see us,
took us down to make-up and made us storm the weather map at the end
of Fred's forecast. Live on national television, we set off
mini-cannons, got Fred on our shoulders and sang Chanson d'Amour.
Talksport: Kick-off (7pm)
"Then in true Scouse fashion we nicked the champagne and vol-au-vents
from the French food and drink-tasting segment. Scouse legend Sonia
was also on the show and I can confirm Judy Finnigan swears like a
trooper. I still have it on video ... my mum is so proud."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Reg Gilroy (7pm)
Is it any wonder, with such a swashbuckling opportunist for a son?
Can your fleeting moment in the spotlight top this? If so mail your
tale to the.boss@guardian.co.uk and mark it: Tonight Matthew, I'm
Going To Be Gary Glitter.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE WERE IMPRESSED THAT THEY WERE, BASICALLY, FOUR ATTRACTIVE FEMALE
DOCTORS
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.