Post by Salem6 on Aug 9, 2005 5:34:54 GMT
The Fiver
08 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Rio (100) Grande
* * * * * * * * * * * *
WHERE'S RIO?
As Sir Alex Ferguson sat slumped behind a microphone in the Trafford
Bowl pressroom this afternoon with his arms folded defensively, his
eyes beady and black, steam billowing from his ears and a murderous
scowl plastered across his claret-coloured chops, the Fiver was
pleased to see him look so relaxed on the cusp of a brand new season.
Sadly, this rare bonhomie is unlikely to last - a different campaign
may be dawning, but the weekly queries posed by the hapless buffoons
of the press corps remain as moronic as ever: "Will you be playing to
win the Premiership, or just to come second behind Chelsea?" asked
one foolhardy hack, possibly for a bet. "That's a stupid question, do
you honestly think I'm going to answer that?" snarled his bristling
host, contemptuously shaking his head before turning to his next
victim.
Sir Alex was equally forthcoming when it came to more sensible
questions about Real Madrid's revelation that both the Glazersox and
Newcastle United Comedy Club have expressed an interest in signing
Michael Owen. Refusing to comment on a Real spokesman's claim that
"Newcastle are very interested in Owen. However there are other sides
showing an interest, including Manchester United," Sir Alex left it
to the Glazersox communications director to communicate on the
subject of alleged communications with Real Madrid: "We have had no
contact with Real Madrid over Michael Owen," declared Phil Townsend,
carrying out his duties in a commendably frill-free fashion.
Meanwhile Sir Alex grudgingly fulfilled his obligations to the Fourth
Estate by confirming that he'd offloaded Brazilian flop Kleberson to
Besiktas for GBP2.5m (GBP4m less than he paid for him two years ago),
before pleading with fans not to abuse Rio Ferdinand during tomorrow
night's Big Cup qualifier against Debrecen (tickets to the Glazerdome
still on general sale, funnily enough). There was no mention,
bizarrely, that the defender had finally signed a new four-year deal
- news that was confirmed exactly three seconds before the Fiver went
to press. Gah! Equally evasive was Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd
over the Owen-to-Toon rumours. "We have had a discussion with Madrid
but won't be commenting further on any speculation," he wahayed, with
uncharacteristic reticence, before failing - thankfully - to pull a
4ft 2ins striker out of his hat just before our deadline.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"They thought we were just country bumpkins with our berets and a
baguette in the pocket. That's not the way it works at Lyon. Roman
Abramovich asked to meet me tomorrow. No problem, but it would be
just for fishing" - Yes, Jean-Michel Aulas is still playing
hard-to-get over Michael Essien.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
The big interview: Bryan Robson talks us through his return from the
abyss:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1544645,00.html
Daniel Taylor on why Arsenal need Michael Owen:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1544775,00.html
Fancy winning GBP10,000 and monthly prizes of a trip to a European
club game of your choice? Then sign up for Fantasy Chairman now!
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Middlesbrough are set to splurge GBP500,000 on Stockport's 18-year-old
defender Michael Raynes, and are also in talks with Sporting Lisbon
regarding Rudolphe Douala.
Celtic defender Bobo Balde has flown to Marseille for talks, with a
club suit admitting he's "never seen anyone so eager to come." Oh
behave.
And Derby are keen on both Steve Lomas and Jon Douglas.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Newcastle Comedy Club are close to securing the services of Francesco
Coco on loan from Internazionale. And yes, that gag's too obvious
even for us.
Good news for Liverpool's Premiership ambitions: Djimi Traore is out
until September.
Charlton have signed Thomas Myhre as cover for injured keeper Dean
Kiely (finger knack).
And police will investigate the Hull City fans who taunted visiting
QPR supporters over the London bombings, with cries of "Not enough
Londoners died."
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
It's funny, it's free, and it's about cricket. Sign up for the Spin
here! sport.guardian.co.uk/thespin/
Why work when you could be playing our best internet sports games
ever?
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And relive England's dramatic Ashes win here:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: SOFA CINEMA
Get two free cinema tickets and free unlimited DVD rentals for a month
when you subscribe to the Guardian's new DVD rental service:
www.guardian.co.uk/sofacinema
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: the debate over whether Newcastle are the new THFC. One season
of THFC-like performances and a quick exit from Europe does not come
close to 16 years of mid-table mediocrity" - Ian Watson.
"My CV actually includes the line 'I enjoy watching stand-up comedy
and support Newcastle United. It is depressingly difficult to tell
the two apart at times.' Yes it's funny, yes it's depressing. That's
football for you. And comedy come to that" - Silas the Hobbit.
"Have I missed something that David Churchill and Adam Jones [Friday's
Fiver letters] haven't? Surely if Edgar Davids has signed for THFC,
that means he's no longer a 'big-name' player and is merely biding
his time until he's old enough to sign for Bolton?" - Bob O'Hara.
"I take umbrage at the notion that THFC or Newcastle can stake a
better claim to 'mid-table mediocrity, delusions of grandeur and the
laughing stock of journalists the land over' than Manchester City. We
can certainly hold our own in the last two categories. Perhaps our
lofty eighth place finish put us out of the running?" - Martin Price.
"Re: the late arrival of Fiver. I receive it around 2am in Melbourne,
so it's waiting for me, like the trusty old friend it is. No
complaints from me apart from the lack of coverage of the new
A-League. How can you ignore all the classy players brought over from
Europe? Dwight Yorke, Kevin Muscat, erm....Russell Woodruffe (from
Bury), Xiaobin Zhang (from Stockport), Iain Fyfe (from Hamilton). OK,
I'll get my coat" - Jamie McTaggart.
"Seth Johnson was released from his contract at Leeds over the
weekend. Basic maths: he cost GBP7.7m and was on GBP37,000-a-week for
four years, another GBP7.7m. And then there's the severence pay -
let's say another GBP350,000. Which all comes to GBP15.75m over four
years, during which time he played 59 games - GBP266,000-per-match.
Surely this makes Mr Johnson either the greatest player ever to have
lived, or the clumsiest example of Publicity Pete's kamikaze
stewardship of the club?" - Nick from Leeds.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Nick from Leeds.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Football Asia (5pm)
"One day while at college in Swansea a mate rang up to ask if a few of
us wanted to be on television the next day, just for playing
football," says Bob Moore, reliving his glorious moment in the
spotlight.
FA Community Shield Football (5.30pm)
"He'd already been on regional TV as captain of the worst team in
Wales, so the answer was, of course, yes.
Football League Review (6.30pm)
"It turns out some researcher had seen them beating the worst team in
England 3-2, and was now sending Cilla Black our way." Eh?
Live Football League - Preston v Derby (7.30pm)
"The plan was that she would come on as a sub, to the tune of 'Take a
chance on me', and score the winner.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm)
"Inspiring stuff, huh?" We're spellbound, Bob.
Premiership Years (11pm)
"Next day she sat lounging in a caravan all wrapped up in a fur coat
between shots, while the rest of froze our swingers off waiting for
the next scene.
British Eurosport: Eurogoals (8pm & 10am)
"Only trouble was, Cilla couldn't kick a ball for toffee - it took
seven takes for her to hit the target from six yards and even then it
only just trickled over the line.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"And as for the shot of her dribbling, they ended up shooting it from
the waist up. She was just running along pretending to have the ball
at her feet, wearing a Liverpool kit. A bit like Igor Biscan.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"We made it onto the show though. I still have the video, though I've
got shot of the ridiculous haircut."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
There must be a lorra, lorra lot more flirtings with fame out there.
Send them to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked I Ran Around Naked On
Fred's Weather Map.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
08 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Rio (100) Grande
* * * * * * * * * * * *
WHERE'S RIO?
As Sir Alex Ferguson sat slumped behind a microphone in the Trafford
Bowl pressroom this afternoon with his arms folded defensively, his
eyes beady and black, steam billowing from his ears and a murderous
scowl plastered across his claret-coloured chops, the Fiver was
pleased to see him look so relaxed on the cusp of a brand new season.
Sadly, this rare bonhomie is unlikely to last - a different campaign
may be dawning, but the weekly queries posed by the hapless buffoons
of the press corps remain as moronic as ever: "Will you be playing to
win the Premiership, or just to come second behind Chelsea?" asked
one foolhardy hack, possibly for a bet. "That's a stupid question, do
you honestly think I'm going to answer that?" snarled his bristling
host, contemptuously shaking his head before turning to his next
victim.
Sir Alex was equally forthcoming when it came to more sensible
questions about Real Madrid's revelation that both the Glazersox and
Newcastle United Comedy Club have expressed an interest in signing
Michael Owen. Refusing to comment on a Real spokesman's claim that
"Newcastle are very interested in Owen. However there are other sides
showing an interest, including Manchester United," Sir Alex left it
to the Glazersox communications director to communicate on the
subject of alleged communications with Real Madrid: "We have had no
contact with Real Madrid over Michael Owen," declared Phil Townsend,
carrying out his duties in a commendably frill-free fashion.
Meanwhile Sir Alex grudgingly fulfilled his obligations to the Fourth
Estate by confirming that he'd offloaded Brazilian flop Kleberson to
Besiktas for GBP2.5m (GBP4m less than he paid for him two years ago),
before pleading with fans not to abuse Rio Ferdinand during tomorrow
night's Big Cup qualifier against Debrecen (tickets to the Glazerdome
still on general sale, funnily enough). There was no mention,
bizarrely, that the defender had finally signed a new four-year deal
- news that was confirmed exactly three seconds before the Fiver went
to press. Gah! Equally evasive was Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd
over the Owen-to-Toon rumours. "We have had a discussion with Madrid
but won't be commenting further on any speculation," he wahayed, with
uncharacteristic reticence, before failing - thankfully - to pull a
4ft 2ins striker out of his hat just before our deadline.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"They thought we were just country bumpkins with our berets and a
baguette in the pocket. That's not the way it works at Lyon. Roman
Abramovich asked to meet me tomorrow. No problem, but it would be
just for fishing" - Yes, Jean-Michel Aulas is still playing
hard-to-get over Michael Essien.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
The big interview: Bryan Robson talks us through his return from the
abyss:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1544645,00.html
Daniel Taylor on why Arsenal need Michael Owen:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1544775,00.html
Fancy winning GBP10,000 and monthly prizes of a trip to a European
club game of your choice? Then sign up for Fantasy Chairman now!
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Middlesbrough are set to splurge GBP500,000 on Stockport's 18-year-old
defender Michael Raynes, and are also in talks with Sporting Lisbon
regarding Rudolphe Douala.
Celtic defender Bobo Balde has flown to Marseille for talks, with a
club suit admitting he's "never seen anyone so eager to come." Oh
behave.
And Derby are keen on both Steve Lomas and Jon Douglas.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Newcastle Comedy Club are close to securing the services of Francesco
Coco on loan from Internazionale. And yes, that gag's too obvious
even for us.
Good news for Liverpool's Premiership ambitions: Djimi Traore is out
until September.
Charlton have signed Thomas Myhre as cover for injured keeper Dean
Kiely (finger knack).
And police will investigate the Hull City fans who taunted visiting
QPR supporters over the London bombings, with cries of "Not enough
Londoners died."
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
It's funny, it's free, and it's about cricket. Sign up for the Spin
here! sport.guardian.co.uk/thespin/
Why work when you could be playing our best internet sports games
ever?
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And relive England's dramatic Ashes win here:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: SOFA CINEMA
Get two free cinema tickets and free unlimited DVD rentals for a month
when you subscribe to the Guardian's new DVD rental service:
www.guardian.co.uk/sofacinema
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: the debate over whether Newcastle are the new THFC. One season
of THFC-like performances and a quick exit from Europe does not come
close to 16 years of mid-table mediocrity" - Ian Watson.
"My CV actually includes the line 'I enjoy watching stand-up comedy
and support Newcastle United. It is depressingly difficult to tell
the two apart at times.' Yes it's funny, yes it's depressing. That's
football for you. And comedy come to that" - Silas the Hobbit.
"Have I missed something that David Churchill and Adam Jones [Friday's
Fiver letters] haven't? Surely if Edgar Davids has signed for THFC,
that means he's no longer a 'big-name' player and is merely biding
his time until he's old enough to sign for Bolton?" - Bob O'Hara.
"I take umbrage at the notion that THFC or Newcastle can stake a
better claim to 'mid-table mediocrity, delusions of grandeur and the
laughing stock of journalists the land over' than Manchester City. We
can certainly hold our own in the last two categories. Perhaps our
lofty eighth place finish put us out of the running?" - Martin Price.
"Re: the late arrival of Fiver. I receive it around 2am in Melbourne,
so it's waiting for me, like the trusty old friend it is. No
complaints from me apart from the lack of coverage of the new
A-League. How can you ignore all the classy players brought over from
Europe? Dwight Yorke, Kevin Muscat, erm....Russell Woodruffe (from
Bury), Xiaobin Zhang (from Stockport), Iain Fyfe (from Hamilton). OK,
I'll get my coat" - Jamie McTaggart.
"Seth Johnson was released from his contract at Leeds over the
weekend. Basic maths: he cost GBP7.7m and was on GBP37,000-a-week for
four years, another GBP7.7m. And then there's the severence pay -
let's say another GBP350,000. Which all comes to GBP15.75m over four
years, during which time he played 59 games - GBP266,000-per-match.
Surely this makes Mr Johnson either the greatest player ever to have
lived, or the clumsiest example of Publicity Pete's kamikaze
stewardship of the club?" - Nick from Leeds.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Nick from Leeds.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Football Asia (5pm)
"One day while at college in Swansea a mate rang up to ask if a few of
us wanted to be on television the next day, just for playing
football," says Bob Moore, reliving his glorious moment in the
spotlight.
FA Community Shield Football (5.30pm)
"He'd already been on regional TV as captain of the worst team in
Wales, so the answer was, of course, yes.
Football League Review (6.30pm)
"It turns out some researcher had seen them beating the worst team in
England 3-2, and was now sending Cilla Black our way." Eh?
Live Football League - Preston v Derby (7.30pm)
"The plan was that she would come on as a sub, to the tune of 'Take a
chance on me', and score the winner.
You're On Sky Sports (10pm)
"Inspiring stuff, huh?" We're spellbound, Bob.
Premiership Years (11pm)
"Next day she sat lounging in a caravan all wrapped up in a fur coat
between shots, while the rest of froze our swingers off waiting for
the next scene.
British Eurosport: Eurogoals (8pm & 10am)
"Only trouble was, Cilla couldn't kick a ball for toffee - it took
seven takes for her to hit the target from six yards and even then it
only just trickled over the line.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"And as for the shot of her dribbling, they ended up shooting it from
the waist up. She was just running along pretending to have the ball
at her feet, wearing a Liverpool kit. A bit like Igor Biscan.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"We made it onto the show though. I still have the video, though I've
got shot of the ridiculous haircut."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
There must be a lorra, lorra lot more flirtings with fame out there.
Send them to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked I Ran Around Naked On
Fred's Weather Map.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.