Post by Salem6 on Aug 6, 2005 8:31:07 GMT
The Fiver
05 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Wenger-Baiting
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GAME FOR A LAUGH
Football managers are busy men, but the off-season gives most a chance
to indulge in their favourite hobbies. Arry Redknapp, for instance,
enjoys wheeling and dealing, literally, at the second-hand mo'or
auction; Dvd OLry trawls through the latest Carphone Warehouse
catalogue, and Lord Ferg sups vintage reds while watching little men
in luminous shirts flog horses half to death in fields. Spare a
thought, then, for Jose Mourinho, whose only pastime is the
bloodthirsty pursuit of Wenger-baiting, meaning the Chelsea boss
hasn't had to wait quite a while for the Community Shield and yet
another opportunity to release the hounds.
Wenger had got them snarling and straining at the chains with
gnashings about Chelsea dichotomising [Eh? - Fiver Ed] the transfer
market yesterday, but today Mourinho called them off and unleashed a
couple of well-manicured poodles instead. "Words, fights, mind-games
don't apply to me," he shrugged, climbing into Wenger's head and
Riverdancing all over his grey matter. "Every week comes a new
comment, and if you're unhappy then you're unhappy all season. I
prefer to just give a laugh. I cannot take it seriously," he went on,
as Fifi and Smudgkins performed an infuriating synchronised trot.
"If someone thinks they can disturb me, or pretends to start a little
fight, they make me comfortable, they don't disturb me," he drawled.
If there's even an ounce of truth in that, it's probably a good
thing. Not only because it comes within inches of excusing this
monstrosity of a segue, but because Michael Essien is throwing a
tantrum at Lyon, and it's all aimed at catching Mourinho's eye. "From
now on I am training with the junior players and I will not take part
in any first-team matches," he Elton John-ed, apparently labouring
under the delusion that this state of affairs will definitely change
if he goes to Chelsea.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
The Guardian Sport Show
Serious stuff, silly bits and an interview with Harry Redknapp
Presented by Clive Anderson, Saturdays at 8.50am on Channel 4
Watch it. Tomorrow
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I was desperate to join Everton, Everton were desperate to sign me" -
does Phil Neville mean desperate in the 'needing or desiring very
much' or 'reckless from despair and staking all on a small chance'
sense of the word?
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Expect much angry waving of knobbly sticks from Theme Pub O'Fiver and
his Irish chums when Lilian Thuram joins fellow Frenchmen Zinedine
Zidane and Claude Makelele by coming out of international retirement.
Bayern Munich right-corner defence guard Willy Sagnol will be wearing
a helmet and shouting "Hut!" a lot if Trafford Glazerskins manager
Sir Alex Ferguson gets his way.
Bryan Robson has been pimping his Robert Earnshaw round the JJB
stadium in the hope of getting Wigan striker Nathan Ellington in
return.
And if Sporting Lisbon midfielders Rodulph Douala and Fabio Rochemback
look freaked out, it's because Middlesbrough gaffer Steve McClaren is
giving them what he thinks is the glad eye.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Sol Campbell will miss the start of Arsenal's Premiership campaign and
England's next two World Cup qualifiers as he bids to come back from
long-term knack: "He's not really injured but he's not ready to
play," explained Arsene Wenger.
"Wigan is a forward-thinking and ambitious club and that fits in with
the kind of person I am," declared forward-thinking and ambitious
midfielder Damien Francis, upon inking a deal that sealed his GBP1.5m
move from Norwich this morning.
Leicester fans will be all shook up to hear that Fulham striker Elvis
Hammond has joined them on a five-month loan deal ...
... while former Fox Keith Gillespie is dizzy with excitement at the
prospect of facing his former club tomorrow after securing a 12-month
appearance-related contract with Sheffield United.
Bongo FC fans will be hoping "The Rifle" doesn't start firing blanks
now that Bernard Cribbins has completed the GBP3m signing of Walter
Pandiani from Deportivo La Coruna.
Millwall manager Steve Clari ... sorry, Colin Lee has secured the
scrawls of Don Hutchison and Jamie Vincent and will complete the
signing of Portuguese forward Carlos Fangueiro next week.
And 32-year-old geriatrico Luis Figo has completed his move from Real
Madrid to Internazionale.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Follow the last of the day's action from Edgbaston in the second Ashes
Test:
sport.guardian.co.uk/cricket/overbyover/story/0,16077,1533100,00.html
She supports Torquay and she's on TV - Helen Chamberlain does a
passable impersonation of Willy Wonka in Small Talk:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1542577,00.html
Play our finest internet sports games, guaranteed to get you the sack:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Laugh your socks off at Shane Warne, then send us your Paul Inces and
win prizes in the Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1536396,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Can someone explain the general lack of sniggering over Martin Jol's
brother, the wonderfully monikered C*ck Jol? Has nobody noticed, or
am I far too late and the joke is long gone? Even if I did miss the
boat first time round surely you can re-hash it - after all, his name
is C*ck!" - Dave Mc, Manchester. [We're above that sort of thing and
it plays havoc with our readers' spam filters - Fiver Ed].
"David Churchill asks if he is the only person who is 'bitterly
disappointed' by the news that THFC finally signed a 'big-name'
player. I would like to reassure David that he is not the only one -
plenty of hacks will also have to alter their formulaic reporting in
the light of this development. Most notably, those at the Guardian
who take a sideways look at the game every weekday at 5pm" - Adam
Jones.
"Considering the consistent and extremely amusing abuse Newcastle
receives at the hands of the Fiver, I have to ask the question - do
any Magpies fans actually subscribe to it? As a THFC fan, I'm glad
to see that Newcastle are the new Tottenham - mid-table mediocrity,
delusions of grandeur and the laughing stock of journalists the land
over" - Chris Worrell.
"Has anyone else noticed that since Stephen Carr's move from Tottenham
to Newcastle United, Newcastle's fortunes have plummeted and
Tottenham's have finally started rising. Is Carr a Jonah?" - Les
Warby, Chicago.
"Due to the continual late arrival of the Fiver, shouldn't the
Tonight's TV & Radio section be re-named Tomorrow Night's TV & Radio
and contain that day's listings? At least then when I get to read it
at work the next morning, I will be able to plan my evening
accordingly" - David Goodwin.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from goalhanger.com. Today's winner:
Dave Mc.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Sky One: Sport Matters (9pm)
"During Euro 96, my girlfriend watched the England-Spain
quarter-final in a London pub, where TV news cameras were filming
those scenes of fans oohing and ahhing as goals are scored and
conceded," writes John Parker, getting the story of his 15 minutes in
the spotlight underway.
Sky Sports One: Wales International Soccer Tournament (7pm)
"After England qualified for the semis on penalties, she was invited
to give her thoughts to the crew.
Premiership Years (10pm)
"In order to ensure national TV exposure, she proceeded to explain to
the nation that not only did she feel it was a deserved victory, but
that her Scottish boyfriend was equally happy as he too thought that
England were worth their win."
Warnock (12am)
Scottish, you say? Equally happy, you say? Worth their win, you say?
Football League (1am)
"Having thought nothing of the kind, I was even more upset by this
betrayal than I had been by England's win.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
"I had to go into hiding to escape abuse from irate friends and
compatriots taken in by this shameless treachery, perpetrated by my
girlfriend in a bid to get on the BBC news.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"Her bid was successful. Twice."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Ouch! Is there a Bully tankard on your mantelpiece or a platinum Blue
Peter badge on your lapel? Are you the one from Hear'say that looks
like Shrek? No matter how brief or traumatic your moment in the
spotlight, we want to hear about it. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
marked: Then Cantona Launched Himself At Me, Feet First.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
IDLEWILD IN SOMERSET HOUSE AHOY!
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
05 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Wenger-Baiting
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GAME FOR A LAUGH
Football managers are busy men, but the off-season gives most a chance
to indulge in their favourite hobbies. Arry Redknapp, for instance,
enjoys wheeling and dealing, literally, at the second-hand mo'or
auction; Dvd OLry trawls through the latest Carphone Warehouse
catalogue, and Lord Ferg sups vintage reds while watching little men
in luminous shirts flog horses half to death in fields. Spare a
thought, then, for Jose Mourinho, whose only pastime is the
bloodthirsty pursuit of Wenger-baiting, meaning the Chelsea boss
hasn't had to wait quite a while for the Community Shield and yet
another opportunity to release the hounds.
Wenger had got them snarling and straining at the chains with
gnashings about Chelsea dichotomising [Eh? - Fiver Ed] the transfer
market yesterday, but today Mourinho called them off and unleashed a
couple of well-manicured poodles instead. "Words, fights, mind-games
don't apply to me," he shrugged, climbing into Wenger's head and
Riverdancing all over his grey matter. "Every week comes a new
comment, and if you're unhappy then you're unhappy all season. I
prefer to just give a laugh. I cannot take it seriously," he went on,
as Fifi and Smudgkins performed an infuriating synchronised trot.
"If someone thinks they can disturb me, or pretends to start a little
fight, they make me comfortable, they don't disturb me," he drawled.
If there's even an ounce of truth in that, it's probably a good
thing. Not only because it comes within inches of excusing this
monstrosity of a segue, but because Michael Essien is throwing a
tantrum at Lyon, and it's all aimed at catching Mourinho's eye. "From
now on I am training with the junior players and I will not take part
in any first-team matches," he Elton John-ed, apparently labouring
under the delusion that this state of affairs will definitely change
if he goes to Chelsea.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
The Guardian Sport Show
Serious stuff, silly bits and an interview with Harry Redknapp
Presented by Clive Anderson, Saturdays at 8.50am on Channel 4
Watch it. Tomorrow
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I was desperate to join Everton, Everton were desperate to sign me" -
does Phil Neville mean desperate in the 'needing or desiring very
much' or 'reckless from despair and staking all on a small chance'
sense of the word?
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Expect much angry waving of knobbly sticks from Theme Pub O'Fiver and
his Irish chums when Lilian Thuram joins fellow Frenchmen Zinedine
Zidane and Claude Makelele by coming out of international retirement.
Bayern Munich right-corner defence guard Willy Sagnol will be wearing
a helmet and shouting "Hut!" a lot if Trafford Glazerskins manager
Sir Alex Ferguson gets his way.
Bryan Robson has been pimping his Robert Earnshaw round the JJB
stadium in the hope of getting Wigan striker Nathan Ellington in
return.
And if Sporting Lisbon midfielders Rodulph Douala and Fabio Rochemback
look freaked out, it's because Middlesbrough gaffer Steve McClaren is
giving them what he thinks is the glad eye.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Sol Campbell will miss the start of Arsenal's Premiership campaign and
England's next two World Cup qualifiers as he bids to come back from
long-term knack: "He's not really injured but he's not ready to
play," explained Arsene Wenger.
"Wigan is a forward-thinking and ambitious club and that fits in with
the kind of person I am," declared forward-thinking and ambitious
midfielder Damien Francis, upon inking a deal that sealed his GBP1.5m
move from Norwich this morning.
Leicester fans will be all shook up to hear that Fulham striker Elvis
Hammond has joined them on a five-month loan deal ...
... while former Fox Keith Gillespie is dizzy with excitement at the
prospect of facing his former club tomorrow after securing a 12-month
appearance-related contract with Sheffield United.
Bongo FC fans will be hoping "The Rifle" doesn't start firing blanks
now that Bernard Cribbins has completed the GBP3m signing of Walter
Pandiani from Deportivo La Coruna.
Millwall manager Steve Clari ... sorry, Colin Lee has secured the
scrawls of Don Hutchison and Jamie Vincent and will complete the
signing of Portuguese forward Carlos Fangueiro next week.
And 32-year-old geriatrico Luis Figo has completed his move from Real
Madrid to Internazionale.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Follow the last of the day's action from Edgbaston in the second Ashes
Test:
sport.guardian.co.uk/cricket/overbyover/story/0,16077,1533100,00.html
She supports Torquay and she's on TV - Helen Chamberlain does a
passable impersonation of Willy Wonka in Small Talk:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1542577,00.html
Play our finest internet sports games, guaranteed to get you the sack:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Laugh your socks off at Shane Warne, then send us your Paul Inces and
win prizes in the Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1536396,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Can someone explain the general lack of sniggering over Martin Jol's
brother, the wonderfully monikered C*ck Jol? Has nobody noticed, or
am I far too late and the joke is long gone? Even if I did miss the
boat first time round surely you can re-hash it - after all, his name
is C*ck!" - Dave Mc, Manchester. [We're above that sort of thing and
it plays havoc with our readers' spam filters - Fiver Ed].
"David Churchill asks if he is the only person who is 'bitterly
disappointed' by the news that THFC finally signed a 'big-name'
player. I would like to reassure David that he is not the only one -
plenty of hacks will also have to alter their formulaic reporting in
the light of this development. Most notably, those at the Guardian
who take a sideways look at the game every weekday at 5pm" - Adam
Jones.
"Considering the consistent and extremely amusing abuse Newcastle
receives at the hands of the Fiver, I have to ask the question - do
any Magpies fans actually subscribe to it? As a THFC fan, I'm glad
to see that Newcastle are the new Tottenham - mid-table mediocrity,
delusions of grandeur and the laughing stock of journalists the land
over" - Chris Worrell.
"Has anyone else noticed that since Stephen Carr's move from Tottenham
to Newcastle United, Newcastle's fortunes have plummeted and
Tottenham's have finally started rising. Is Carr a Jonah?" - Les
Warby, Chicago.
"Due to the continual late arrival of the Fiver, shouldn't the
Tonight's TV & Radio section be re-named Tomorrow Night's TV & Radio
and contain that day's listings? At least then when I get to read it
at work the next morning, I will be able to plan my evening
accordingly" - David Goodwin.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from goalhanger.com. Today's winner:
Dave Mc.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Sky One: Sport Matters (9pm)
"During Euro 96, my girlfriend watched the England-Spain
quarter-final in a London pub, where TV news cameras were filming
those scenes of fans oohing and ahhing as goals are scored and
conceded," writes John Parker, getting the story of his 15 minutes in
the spotlight underway.
Sky Sports One: Wales International Soccer Tournament (7pm)
"After England qualified for the semis on penalties, she was invited
to give her thoughts to the crew.
Premiership Years (10pm)
"In order to ensure national TV exposure, she proceeded to explain to
the nation that not only did she feel it was a deserved victory, but
that her Scottish boyfriend was equally happy as he too thought that
England were worth their win."
Warnock (12am)
Scottish, you say? Equally happy, you say? Worth their win, you say?
Football League (1am)
"Having thought nothing of the kind, I was even more upset by this
betrayal than I had been by England's win.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
"I had to go into hiding to escape abuse from irate friends and
compatriots taken in by this shameless treachery, perpetrated by my
girlfriend in a bid to get on the BBC news.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"Her bid was successful. Twice."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Ouch! Is there a Bully tankard on your mantelpiece or a platinum Blue
Peter badge on your lapel? Are you the one from Hear'say that looks
like Shrek? No matter how brief or traumatic your moment in the
spotlight, we want to hear about it. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
marked: Then Cantona Launched Himself At Me, Feet First.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
IDLEWILD IN SOMERSET HOUSE AHOY!
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.