Post by Salem6 on Aug 5, 2005 8:54:21 GMT
The Fiver
04 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Praise Or Criticism
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEVILLE BROTHER
Search hard enough on Everton's sticky Toffee website,
www.evertonfc.com, and you'll find a section devoted to fan
complaints in which chief executive Keith Wyness boasts of the club's
"long and proud tradition of attempting to deal swiftly and
professionally with those supporters who make contact with their
club, be they delivering praise or criticism."
Mr Wyness is clearly a man of his word - while there's no mention of
the fiasco that ensued when the self-styled "people's club" put
tickets for their forthcoming Big Cup qualifier against Villarreal on
general sale, the boardroom suits have moved swiftly to appease
hordes of aggrieved, snarling and long-suffering season
ticket-holders by signing the younger of Fiver comedy favourites the
Chuckle Brothers from Premiership sleeping giants, the Trafford Park
Glazerballs.
His name? Phil Neville.
Reaction on assorted Everton message boards has been as ambivalent as
you'd expect for football news that's about as exciting as hearing
that a nutter has phoned Spooney on 606 or Garth Crooks has asked
somebody a long question. Most fans think he'll do a job for them, a
few aren't happy about handing the MU Rowdies back "GBP3.5m of their
Shrek money", while a few more would rather David Moyes had given
soul crooner Aaron Neville a five-year deal than have anything to do
with a blood relative of Everton fans' favourite Gary.
However, one man who was certain he'd signed wisely was Moyes himself,
who was positively bug-eyed in his enthusiasm: "Phil is a quality
footballer who will, I feel certain, improve and enhance the squad we
are putting together. He is very much a professional's professional
and I am very happy to have signed him," he och-ayed, failing to
mention that even if his new acquisition turns out to be (Fiver
closes eyes and counts on fingers for several minutes) twice as
useless as James Beattie, vindication will still be his.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I cannot wait, it makes me itch. I have found again the motivation I
might have lost a while ago. But I'm not coming back as a saviour,
I'm not Zorro" - creaking midfielder Zinedine Zidane, 98, fears we
might confuse him with a tyrannical government-quashing swashbuckler
on his return to action for France, although we were more concerned
he might have crabs.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Peter Kenyon's missed the sight of his gurning mug in the papers of
late, so no surprise today to find him involved in talk of a GBP10m
move for Antonio Cassano.
Martin Jol might have said he was happy with his squad as it stands,
but that won't stop whispers of a big-money bid for Newcastle's
Jermaine Jenas, with Fredi Kanoute's departure covering costs.
Francesco Coco is talking to Newcastle about a possible move after
failing to secure a deal somewhere - anywhere - else.
And Lyon say Chelsea's attempts to buy Michael Essien are dead in the
water, but we're tempted to dig out the harpoon just on the
off-chance.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Uefa has promised to investigate after Shelbourne's Curtis Fleming and
Joseph Ndo were racially abused by Steaua Bucharest fans during their
Big Cup qualifier. "It was unacceptable," said Shels boss Pat Fenlon.
Leeds and Seth Johnson have agreed that it's best all round if his
contract is severed now, rather than have him loitering around Elland
Road collecting silly-money for another year.
Stefan Postma is on his way down the M1 to arrange a half-season loan
to Fulham in search of first-team football.
And suits at the Millennium Stadium have given the Football
Association of Wales until tomorrow to clear a GBP250,000 debt, if
they don't want to jeopardize forthcoming Sony Coca Cola Pizza Hut
World Cup qualifying fixtures.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Follow the last of the day's action from Edgbaston in the second Ashes
Test:
sport.guardian.co.uk/cricket/overbyover/story/0,16077,1533100,00.html
Paul Doyle wonders what on earth is going on with the offside rule:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1538770,00.html
Shame on Birmingham City for endangering their women's team, says
Georgina Turner:
football.guardian.co.uk/womensfootball/story/0,12783,1542375,00.html
Play our finest internet sports games, guaranteed to get you the sack:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Have a giggle at what you did to Shane Warne, then send us your Paul
Inces in the Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1536396,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"The BBC reports Edgar Davids as having amassed '73 Dutch caps'. I
know contraceptive protection is important, but is this not just a
little over-zealous?" - Paul Walter.
"Am I the only person who is bitterly disappointed by the news that
THFC finally appear to have lured a 'big name' player to the club? I
used to enjoy the perennial pre-season White Hart Lane merry-go-round
where they threatened to sign everyone from Pele to Lord Lucan, but
ended up with Gary Doherty" - David Churchill.
"If Chris Brock (yesterday's Fiver letters) needs someone to tell him
not to watch Star Trek and watch football instead, then he is a nerd
and his girlfriend is right to leave him. By the way, the Football
League starts on Saturday, so he should cancel his Klingon lessons
and get himself to a match" - Andy Gardner.
"Re: yesterday's Fiver report on Michael Owen and a possible move back
to England. When Owen referred to 'three or four Premierships clubs',
I think the 'or four' meant 'if you consider Newcastle a club'" - Tom
Dougan.
"Am I the only Fiver reader who deletes the email upon reading it?
Judging by the number of people tracking plagiarists, the majority of
readers appear to have a complicated database of archived Fiver data
that allows them to easily cross-reference all published letters and
stories to ensure originality. Or has someone already sent this
question in previously?" - Graham Martin.
"In order to get the classic big man/little man forward line-up, do
Liverpool now need a small man with a poor touch? Why would they want
to sell Baros, or are they making room for Sylvain Wiltord? Is there
anyone else who better fits this description?" - Andrew Berry, New
Zealand. [Although short compared to Peter Crouch, Sylvain Wiltord is
actually 5'9" - Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from goalhanger.com. Today's winner:
David Churchill.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Five: John Barnes's Football Night (12am)
"I was working on the trading floor at Barclays bank in 1998, when
the so-called elite band of European countries broke away from us
plebs," says James Gale, whose moment of fleeting fame we share
today, even though we're not quite sure what he's talking about.
Sky Sports 1: Fifa Futbol Mundial (6.30pm)
"ITN came in and put cameras everywhere to film 'how the markets were
coping with the start of the new EU dawn' etc." Ah ... the Euro?
Premiership Years (10pm)
"We didn't know anything about it and turned up that day in sports
casual (ie unshaven and hungover).
Sky Sports 3: Live Women's Football - Arsenal v Charlton (7.30pm)
"Upon watching ITN later that day, I was shocked and stunned to see
myself being dubbed a city analyst (I was in fact flogging foreign
exchange deals) by Trevor McDonald." It's all bean-counting to us,
James, but carry on.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"There I was looking like death warmed up, leaning back in my chair,
holding the phone to my ear with one hand...
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"... and scratching my plums with the other."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
You just can't buy that sort of class, eh? If you've had your 15
minutes and would like to share it, we'll happily give you your 16th.
Mail your tales of life in the spotlight to the.boss@guardian.co.uk,
marked That's Me Giving The Posy To Princess Anne.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
DAMN YOU PIETERSEN! THAT'S A FINE COLLECT YOU'VE COST ME!
04 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Praise Or Criticism
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NEVILLE BROTHER
Search hard enough on Everton's sticky Toffee website,
www.evertonfc.com, and you'll find a section devoted to fan
complaints in which chief executive Keith Wyness boasts of the club's
"long and proud tradition of attempting to deal swiftly and
professionally with those supporters who make contact with their
club, be they delivering praise or criticism."
Mr Wyness is clearly a man of his word - while there's no mention of
the fiasco that ensued when the self-styled "people's club" put
tickets for their forthcoming Big Cup qualifier against Villarreal on
general sale, the boardroom suits have moved swiftly to appease
hordes of aggrieved, snarling and long-suffering season
ticket-holders by signing the younger of Fiver comedy favourites the
Chuckle Brothers from Premiership sleeping giants, the Trafford Park
Glazerballs.
His name? Phil Neville.
Reaction on assorted Everton message boards has been as ambivalent as
you'd expect for football news that's about as exciting as hearing
that a nutter has phoned Spooney on 606 or Garth Crooks has asked
somebody a long question. Most fans think he'll do a job for them, a
few aren't happy about handing the MU Rowdies back "GBP3.5m of their
Shrek money", while a few more would rather David Moyes had given
soul crooner Aaron Neville a five-year deal than have anything to do
with a blood relative of Everton fans' favourite Gary.
However, one man who was certain he'd signed wisely was Moyes himself,
who was positively bug-eyed in his enthusiasm: "Phil is a quality
footballer who will, I feel certain, improve and enhance the squad we
are putting together. He is very much a professional's professional
and I am very happy to have signed him," he och-ayed, failing to
mention that even if his new acquisition turns out to be (Fiver
closes eyes and counts on fingers for several minutes) twice as
useless as James Beattie, vindication will still be his.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I cannot wait, it makes me itch. I have found again the motivation I
might have lost a while ago. But I'm not coming back as a saviour,
I'm not Zorro" - creaking midfielder Zinedine Zidane, 98, fears we
might confuse him with a tyrannical government-quashing swashbuckler
on his return to action for France, although we were more concerned
he might have crabs.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Peter Kenyon's missed the sight of his gurning mug in the papers of
late, so no surprise today to find him involved in talk of a GBP10m
move for Antonio Cassano.
Martin Jol might have said he was happy with his squad as it stands,
but that won't stop whispers of a big-money bid for Newcastle's
Jermaine Jenas, with Fredi Kanoute's departure covering costs.
Francesco Coco is talking to Newcastle about a possible move after
failing to secure a deal somewhere - anywhere - else.
And Lyon say Chelsea's attempts to buy Michael Essien are dead in the
water, but we're tempted to dig out the harpoon just on the
off-chance.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Uefa has promised to investigate after Shelbourne's Curtis Fleming and
Joseph Ndo were racially abused by Steaua Bucharest fans during their
Big Cup qualifier. "It was unacceptable," said Shels boss Pat Fenlon.
Leeds and Seth Johnson have agreed that it's best all round if his
contract is severed now, rather than have him loitering around Elland
Road collecting silly-money for another year.
Stefan Postma is on his way down the M1 to arrange a half-season loan
to Fulham in search of first-team football.
And suits at the Millennium Stadium have given the Football
Association of Wales until tomorrow to clear a GBP250,000 debt, if
they don't want to jeopardize forthcoming Sony Coca Cola Pizza Hut
World Cup qualifying fixtures.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Follow the last of the day's action from Edgbaston in the second Ashes
Test:
sport.guardian.co.uk/cricket/overbyover/story/0,16077,1533100,00.html
Paul Doyle wonders what on earth is going on with the offside rule:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1538770,00.html
Shame on Birmingham City for endangering their women's team, says
Georgina Turner:
football.guardian.co.uk/womensfootball/story/0,12783,1542375,00.html
Play our finest internet sports games, guaranteed to get you the sack:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Have a giggle at what you did to Shane Warne, then send us your Paul
Inces in the Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1536396,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"The BBC reports Edgar Davids as having amassed '73 Dutch caps'. I
know contraceptive protection is important, but is this not just a
little over-zealous?" - Paul Walter.
"Am I the only person who is bitterly disappointed by the news that
THFC finally appear to have lured a 'big name' player to the club? I
used to enjoy the perennial pre-season White Hart Lane merry-go-round
where they threatened to sign everyone from Pele to Lord Lucan, but
ended up with Gary Doherty" - David Churchill.
"If Chris Brock (yesterday's Fiver letters) needs someone to tell him
not to watch Star Trek and watch football instead, then he is a nerd
and his girlfriend is right to leave him. By the way, the Football
League starts on Saturday, so he should cancel his Klingon lessons
and get himself to a match" - Andy Gardner.
"Re: yesterday's Fiver report on Michael Owen and a possible move back
to England. When Owen referred to 'three or four Premierships clubs',
I think the 'or four' meant 'if you consider Newcastle a club'" - Tom
Dougan.
"Am I the only Fiver reader who deletes the email upon reading it?
Judging by the number of people tracking plagiarists, the majority of
readers appear to have a complicated database of archived Fiver data
that allows them to easily cross-reference all published letters and
stories to ensure originality. Or has someone already sent this
question in previously?" - Graham Martin.
"In order to get the classic big man/little man forward line-up, do
Liverpool now need a small man with a poor touch? Why would they want
to sell Baros, or are they making room for Sylvain Wiltord? Is there
anyone else who better fits this description?" - Andrew Berry, New
Zealand. [Although short compared to Peter Crouch, Sylvain Wiltord is
actually 5'9" - Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from goalhanger.com. Today's winner:
David Churchill.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Five: John Barnes's Football Night (12am)
"I was working on the trading floor at Barclays bank in 1998, when
the so-called elite band of European countries broke away from us
plebs," says James Gale, whose moment of fleeting fame we share
today, even though we're not quite sure what he's talking about.
Sky Sports 1: Fifa Futbol Mundial (6.30pm)
"ITN came in and put cameras everywhere to film 'how the markets were
coping with the start of the new EU dawn' etc." Ah ... the Euro?
Premiership Years (10pm)
"We didn't know anything about it and turned up that day in sports
casual (ie unshaven and hungover).
Sky Sports 3: Live Women's Football - Arsenal v Charlton (7.30pm)
"Upon watching ITN later that day, I was shocked and stunned to see
myself being dubbed a city analyst (I was in fact flogging foreign
exchange deals) by Trevor McDonald." It's all bean-counting to us,
James, but carry on.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"There I was looking like death warmed up, leaning back in my chair,
holding the phone to my ear with one hand...
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"... and scratching my plums with the other."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
You just can't buy that sort of class, eh? If you've had your 15
minutes and would like to share it, we'll happily give you your 16th.
Mail your tales of life in the spotlight to the.boss@guardian.co.uk,
marked That's Me Giving The Posy To Princess Anne.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
DAMN YOU PIETERSEN! THAT'S A FINE COLLECT YOU'VE COST ME!