Post by Salem6 on Aug 2, 2005 5:09:41 GMT
The Fiver
01 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Owen, Owen, Gone?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
DESPERATELY SEEKING STARTING PLACE
White male, 25, non-smoker, social gambler, England international,
professional marriage suddenly very crowded, WLTM big club in Big
Cup. Time-wasters/Newcastle United need not reply. Call Michael on
(+34)14goalsfrom22starts. Please include photo of squad with
striker-size gap (ideally 4ft 2ins).
Response 1, from Merseyside area: "The most important thing at the
moment is to protect Sami Hyypia and Jamie Carragher. I am looking
for a centre-back and not a centre forward. Buenos luck". [What he
really thinks: "I've got Peter Crouch and I think he's better than
you."]
Response 2, from AW, London: "I'm not looking for a striker. I have
not made any approach for Michael Owen." - [What he really thinks: "I
have Thierry Henry and he's definitely better than you."]
Response 3, from Deluded, Newcastle: "He's a great striker and he's
only 25." [What he really thinks: "What do you mean no time-wasters?
The chairman has told me we're a massive club. Come and have a go if
you think you're hard enough."]
Response 4, from David Gill at the New Manchester Soccerdolphins. "The
Glazers have said that if there is a big player out there who is
available, then the money is there to go for him." [What he really
thinks: "I'm gagging for some goal action! Old Dutch flame really
gone off the boil. New boss a bit tight but hinted may cough up for a
classy performer. Might have to offload Louis Saha though. Talk to ya
soon."]
Meanwhile the Fiver wonders (a) if Michael Owen riding shotgun for
Wayne Rooney could be anything other than a boon for England ahead of
World Cup 2006, and (b) if Middlesbrough and THFC can possibly
refrain from putting in a bid?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He appears to be just what Celtic need at this moment in time - they
just lacked a killer instinct up front and I believe the people at
Celtic will continue to monitor his progress. I know the people of
Celtic were impressed with what they saw from him" - Juraj Venglos's
bigging up of his client, Artmedia striker Juraj Halenar, would
probably work if it weren't for the likes of Motherwell sticking four
past Celtic, too.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Set to work on Joey Barton and you could win a GBP100 bet in the
Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1536396,00.html
Will Buckley meets Leeds United's unlikely saviour - Ken Bates:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1539690,00.html
Cigars at the ready! Fantasy Chairman is back:
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Ever since Patrick Vieira departed with the club's only song, Arsenal
have been in a state of panic. Luckily, Arsene Wenger's found a young
keeper called Sebastian Viera to stave off the silence in north
London.
And Arsenal have joined forces with Manchester United to spoil what
was already a pretty miserable party for Chelsea: they both want to
sign Michael Essien.
Rafa Benitez is making eyes at Bolton baldy Stelios Giannakopoulos,
while Graeme Souness will succumb to the hairless charms of Andy
Johnson, should the shiny bonce of Nicolas Anelka turn away from
Newcastle.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Schalke have pulled out of the race to sign Milan Baros. "For us, the
matter is closed," admitted the club's general manager Rudi Assauer.
"We can't afford [the GBP6m transfer fee]. We could only do it if we
are guaranteed a place in the Big Cup over the next three years."
Rupert Lowe says he offered to resign when Southampton got relegated -
but says he won't do the same if Sir Clive's arrival backfires.
Chelsea will be down to just the 3,472 internationals when the season
starts, with Arjen Robben (hamstring), Claude Makelele (head) and
William Gallas (knee) all injured.
Paul Ince, 87, says the coming season will be his last as a player.
Newcastle Comedy Club have said Hugo Viana can exchange gags with
suits from Celta Vigo.
And Danny Wilson has signed a new, long-term rolling contract with
Franchise FC.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Why work when you could be playing our best internet sports games
ever?
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Thankfully our Ashes special report is in better shape than England:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/0,15993,1476227,00.html
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: uses for a 35mm canister. Maybe Gordon Strachan could hide inside
one in the dugout the next time the Queen's Celtic play?" - Jon
Crutchley.
"Now we've cleared up the etymology of Bongo FC, can someone please
tell me who coined the phrase 'good touch for a big man'?" - Mike
from Vancouver.
"With all due respect to Saurabh Kakkar [Friday's Fiver letters
T-shirt winner], and his crying daughter, if she is coming home from
school blubbing because people are calling daddy names, I guess she
is about 6-12 years old. How many 12-year-old girls know what a
plagiarist is?" Graham Haslam, Sydney.
"Can I be the first to point out that Saurabh's letter in Friday's
Fiver Letters also appears in this month's Reader's Digest, BBC
History Magazine and the Daily Star? Has the man no shame?" - Michael
Glasper.
"Could this be the same Saurabh Kakkar that produced the Grimleys [see
google]? If so, where did he nick that idea?" - Teddy1066.
"Re: Alex Roy's David Baddiel-related mail [Friday's Fiver letters] .
Is this the perennial darts also-ran, and yet another F-list
celebrity subscriber?" - Matthew Atkinson.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Jon Crutchley.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC One: A Question of Sport (7pm)
"A few years ago Channel 4 tried to explain the strange nature of
celebrity in the UK," says Charles Day, setting the scene for his 15
minutes of fame.
Five: Five Football Replay - Liverpool v Bayer Leverkusen (6am)
"The programme employed the standard A-list to Z-list explanation, but
simplified it. I imagine it was pitched at people who wanted to read
Heat! but were worried about the complex jargon.
Sky Sports 1: Premiership Years (10pm)
"Behind a caption of A-list was some stock footage of Nicole Kidman in
a frock.
Football Asia (12am)
"Then came B-list - Mr D Beckham and wife; C-list - Caprice; and
Z-list - Maureen from Driving School." All makes sense to us so
far... is there a story in here somewhere?
Sky Sports 2: Football - Arsenal v Porto and Ajax v Boca Juniors
(7.30pm)
"Then came the mildly offensive caption 'Who the **** are you?' in
front of footage of me and my wife getting out of a black cab outside
a cinema in London's West End.
British Eurosport: Football - AC Milan v Chelsea (5.30pm)
"We turned up to find that they'd set one screen aside for the
premier of Human Traffic.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Which would have been fine, but the few photo and film crews there
weren't taking any chances and papping everyone who walked in like it
was Elton and Madge at the Ivy.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"Hence the nation asked itself who the **** we were over tea.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"We never got an apology from Channel 4." Apology? If the Fiver had a
pound for every time we've been asked that question... anyway, send
more of your five minutes of fame stories to the.boss@guardian.co.uk,
marked I'm The One Making Hilarious Hand Gestures Behind Kate Adie's
Head.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU TEXT PEST
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
01 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Owen, Owen, Gone?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
DESPERATELY SEEKING STARTING PLACE
White male, 25, non-smoker, social gambler, England international,
professional marriage suddenly very crowded, WLTM big club in Big
Cup. Time-wasters/Newcastle United need not reply. Call Michael on
(+34)14goalsfrom22starts. Please include photo of squad with
striker-size gap (ideally 4ft 2ins).
Response 1, from Merseyside area: "The most important thing at the
moment is to protect Sami Hyypia and Jamie Carragher. I am looking
for a centre-back and not a centre forward. Buenos luck". [What he
really thinks: "I've got Peter Crouch and I think he's better than
you."]
Response 2, from AW, London: "I'm not looking for a striker. I have
not made any approach for Michael Owen." - [What he really thinks: "I
have Thierry Henry and he's definitely better than you."]
Response 3, from Deluded, Newcastle: "He's a great striker and he's
only 25." [What he really thinks: "What do you mean no time-wasters?
The chairman has told me we're a massive club. Come and have a go if
you think you're hard enough."]
Response 4, from David Gill at the New Manchester Soccerdolphins. "The
Glazers have said that if there is a big player out there who is
available, then the money is there to go for him." [What he really
thinks: "I'm gagging for some goal action! Old Dutch flame really
gone off the boil. New boss a bit tight but hinted may cough up for a
classy performer. Might have to offload Louis Saha though. Talk to ya
soon."]
Meanwhile the Fiver wonders (a) if Michael Owen riding shotgun for
Wayne Rooney could be anything other than a boon for England ahead of
World Cup 2006, and (b) if Middlesbrough and THFC can possibly
refrain from putting in a bid?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He appears to be just what Celtic need at this moment in time - they
just lacked a killer instinct up front and I believe the people at
Celtic will continue to monitor his progress. I know the people of
Celtic were impressed with what they saw from him" - Juraj Venglos's
bigging up of his client, Artmedia striker Juraj Halenar, would
probably work if it weren't for the likes of Motherwell sticking four
past Celtic, too.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Set to work on Joey Barton and you could win a GBP100 bet in the
Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1536396,00.html
Will Buckley meets Leeds United's unlikely saviour - Ken Bates:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1539690,00.html
Cigars at the ready! Fantasy Chairman is back:
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Ever since Patrick Vieira departed with the club's only song, Arsenal
have been in a state of panic. Luckily, Arsene Wenger's found a young
keeper called Sebastian Viera to stave off the silence in north
London.
And Arsenal have joined forces with Manchester United to spoil what
was already a pretty miserable party for Chelsea: they both want to
sign Michael Essien.
Rafa Benitez is making eyes at Bolton baldy Stelios Giannakopoulos,
while Graeme Souness will succumb to the hairless charms of Andy
Johnson, should the shiny bonce of Nicolas Anelka turn away from
Newcastle.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Schalke have pulled out of the race to sign Milan Baros. "For us, the
matter is closed," admitted the club's general manager Rudi Assauer.
"We can't afford [the GBP6m transfer fee]. We could only do it if we
are guaranteed a place in the Big Cup over the next three years."
Rupert Lowe says he offered to resign when Southampton got relegated -
but says he won't do the same if Sir Clive's arrival backfires.
Chelsea will be down to just the 3,472 internationals when the season
starts, with Arjen Robben (hamstring), Claude Makelele (head) and
William Gallas (knee) all injured.
Paul Ince, 87, says the coming season will be his last as a player.
Newcastle Comedy Club have said Hugo Viana can exchange gags with
suits from Celta Vigo.
And Danny Wilson has signed a new, long-term rolling contract with
Franchise FC.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Why work when you could be playing our best internet sports games
ever?
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Thankfully our Ashes special report is in better shape than England:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/0,15993,1476227,00.html
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: uses for a 35mm canister. Maybe Gordon Strachan could hide inside
one in the dugout the next time the Queen's Celtic play?" - Jon
Crutchley.
"Now we've cleared up the etymology of Bongo FC, can someone please
tell me who coined the phrase 'good touch for a big man'?" - Mike
from Vancouver.
"With all due respect to Saurabh Kakkar [Friday's Fiver letters
T-shirt winner], and his crying daughter, if she is coming home from
school blubbing because people are calling daddy names, I guess she
is about 6-12 years old. How many 12-year-old girls know what a
plagiarist is?" Graham Haslam, Sydney.
"Can I be the first to point out that Saurabh's letter in Friday's
Fiver Letters also appears in this month's Reader's Digest, BBC
History Magazine and the Daily Star? Has the man no shame?" - Michael
Glasper.
"Could this be the same Saurabh Kakkar that produced the Grimleys [see
google]? If so, where did he nick that idea?" - Teddy1066.
"Re: Alex Roy's David Baddiel-related mail [Friday's Fiver letters] .
Is this the perennial darts also-ran, and yet another F-list
celebrity subscriber?" - Matthew Atkinson.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Jon Crutchley.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC One: A Question of Sport (7pm)
"A few years ago Channel 4 tried to explain the strange nature of
celebrity in the UK," says Charles Day, setting the scene for his 15
minutes of fame.
Five: Five Football Replay - Liverpool v Bayer Leverkusen (6am)
"The programme employed the standard A-list to Z-list explanation, but
simplified it. I imagine it was pitched at people who wanted to read
Heat! but were worried about the complex jargon.
Sky Sports 1: Premiership Years (10pm)
"Behind a caption of A-list was some stock footage of Nicole Kidman in
a frock.
Football Asia (12am)
"Then came B-list - Mr D Beckham and wife; C-list - Caprice; and
Z-list - Maureen from Driving School." All makes sense to us so
far... is there a story in here somewhere?
Sky Sports 2: Football - Arsenal v Porto and Ajax v Boca Juniors
(7.30pm)
"Then came the mildly offensive caption 'Who the **** are you?' in
front of footage of me and my wife getting out of a black cab outside
a cinema in London's West End.
British Eurosport: Football - AC Milan v Chelsea (5.30pm)
"We turned up to find that they'd set one screen aside for the
premier of Human Traffic.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Which would have been fine, but the few photo and film crews there
weren't taking any chances and papping everyone who walked in like it
was Elton and Madge at the Ivy.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"Hence the nation asked itself who the **** we were over tea.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"We never got an apology from Channel 4." Apology? If the Fiver had a
pound for every time we've been asked that question... anyway, send
more of your five minutes of fame stories to the.boss@guardian.co.uk,
marked I'm The One Making Hilarious Hand Gestures Behind Kate Adie's
Head.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU TEXT PEST
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.