Post by Salem6 on Jul 30, 2005 10:14:33 GMT
The Fiver
29 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Path of East Resistance
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NO CONSPIRACY, HONEST
Considering the manner in which Sky hyped it up as the most dramatic
series of revelations since John the Apostle chronicled his vision of
Satan's final rebellion at Armageddon, the Fiver was expecting
pyrotechnics, billowing clouds of dry ice and feather boa-waving
dancing girls when it tuned in to the draw for the third qualifying
round of Big Cup. Instead, we got the usual three glass bowls and 32
balls. Thirty-six if you count those of the two Uefa blazers it took
to explain the convoluted rules before proceedings could get under
way.
Scouse conspiracy theorists (ie everyone on Merseyside) were quickly
disappointed when it emerged that Liverpool and Everton would not
face each other, a turn of events that left the red half of Liverpool
with nothing to complain about and the blue half with a stinker
against Villarreal. Assuming they see off FBK Kaunas, Rafa Benitez's
side will play KF Tirana or CSKA Sofia, although chief executive Rick
Parry soon warned: "When you see what happened to Celtic in midweek,
you can't take anything for granted" - neglecting to mention that
thing you can take for granted is that the MU Glazerballs always get
an easy draw. This year their likely opponents are Hungary's
Debrecen. No, us neither.
Meanwhile in Scotland, the Queen's Celtic have already stolen a march
in the annual Old Firm race to see who can get knocked out of Europe
earliest, but should they overturn their five-goal first-leg deficit
against Hoxton side Artmedia, a tie against Partizan Belgrade or
Sheriff Tiraspol awaits. Elsewhere in Glasgow, not even the Pope's
O'Rangers will be confident that they can be beaten by Anorthosis
Famagusta or Trabzonspor. But having threatened to make the group
stages last year, Irish outfit Shelbourne will fancy their chances of
going one better. An away scoredraw against Steaua Bucharest next
week would see them play Rosenborg, where a win would prompt no end
of drink-related lazy national stereotyping and derring-do.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Contractual discussions are on-going but that does not place a
question mark over Rio's loyalty, his commitment, his desire, his
heart and his will to win trophies for Manchester United" - Carlos
Queiroz puts his faith in Rio signing on the dotted line. That'll be
the same loyal Rio who's threatened to walk out on the club which
paid him eight months' wages while being suspended, then.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Kevin McCarra on why Gordon Strachan faces a much greater challenge
than he ever expected:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1538676,00.html
One reader claims to have shot 29 on Mini Putt 2 - can you top this?
Play the greatest internet sports games ever to find out:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Fancy winning a signed Kevin Pietersen bat? Then click here:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1537204,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Expect Michael Essien to be a Chelsea player by the start of next week
after Lyon chairman Jean-Michel Aulas was invited to the place where
no one ever says "no": Roman Abramovich's yacht.
Norwich midfielder Damien Francis will be staying at Carrow Road after
Portsmouth balked at his GBP2m transfer fee.
However, Bernard Cribbins expects better luck after bidding GBP2m for
Charlton's Jason Euell.
Schalke's pursuit of Row Z's favourite striker, Milan Baros, looks
doomed to fail because of his exorbitant wage demands.
Friday nights on Tyneside are always a bit tasty and tonight will be
no exception, after Sunderland came to town in a bid to hijack Craig
Moore's contract talks with Newcastle.
Rennes starlet Olivier N'Siabamfumu, who has helped France into
tonight's European U19 Championships final against England, has
popped up on the radars of Man City, Middlesbrough and, worryingly
for the other two, Real Madrid.
And in one of the more unlikely rumours to adorn this column,
Marseille are chasing Oxford United winger Chris Hackett. Seriously.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The draw for the second qualifying round of Euro Vase also took place
today, pitting Dundee United against Finnish side MyPa 47, Carmarthen
with FC Copenhagen, Cork against Sweden's Djurgarden and Rhyl with
Viking of Norway.
The Brazilian Football Confederation want to make Real Madrid really
pay for signing Robinho from Santos. They're insisting the galacticos
meet their $50m buyout clause in order to get their man.
Dvd O Lry's big Aston Villa summer signing is... Gavin McCann, who's
agreed a three-year contract extension.
The News of the World has apologised and agreed to pay "substantial
damages" to Keith Gillespie after publishing false allegations in
relation to Leicester City's trip to Spain last March.
The Daily Star have also said sorry and paid damages to Andy Johnson,
after falsely implying he was involved in drug and alcohol abuse.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Fantasy Chairman's back and there's GBP10,000 and a whole lot of
bragging rights up for grabs. Sign up NOW for a chance to win!
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
And if it's Ashes you want, then it's Ashes you'll get with our
action-packed special report: sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Gordon Strachan and the Fiver Ed's comment [yesterday's TV and
radio] that the Celtic boss no longer writes for the Guardian. May I
be the 103rd person to suggest that he may shortly be back? Perhaps
as a golf pundit?" - Graham Eastmond.
"I can't bear it any longer. David Sullivan is the co-owner of
Birmingham FC and proprietor of the Daily and Sunday Sport (clue -
they contain pictures of ladies' bits). Bongo is slang for such
images. Hence Bongo FC. I know you've probably had hundreds of
do-gooders writing in with an explanation, but I'm just bored of it
now, so please put an end to it. Thank you" - Beth, London.
"Could I defend my integrity by pointing out that I sent my email
regarding Peter Crouch to you at 11:51am on Wednesday, well before
the appearance of football365's Mediawatch section? I'm sure I won't
get an apology, but when my daughter comes home from school crying
because the other kids have been taunting her with 'your dad's a
plagiarist', I hope you'll feel proud of yourselves" - Saurabh
Kakkar.
"I remember when the letters section was a hive of wit, debate and
insight. Throw a T-shirt into the mix and suddenly it's a murky pit
of suspicion, plagiarism and general ill-will. Are the nation's
football-loving work-shirkers really that poorly dressed?" - Niall
McVeigh.
"Whilst David Baddiel gets ever fatter and even less funny yet still
manages to secure a new TV deal every season, Rob Newman is reduced
to writing into the Fiver [yesterday's letters]. I bet he's bitter" -
Alex Roy.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Saurabh Kakkar.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Amsterdam Tournament Live - Boca Juniors v Porto
(5.30pm)
"Back in the days when England actually won the Ashes, my hometown
cricket club, Letchworth CC, used to hold an annual benefit day where
one of the major counties would turn up for a match against the
locals," says Pete Tomlin, kicking off your final day of autograph
stories.
Ajax v Arsenal Live (8.15pm)
"This particular year, Yorkshire were the opponents and to even up
the sides a bit, then England captain Mike Gatting agreed to turn out
for Letchworth.
Premiership Years (10:30pm)
"Part of this event involved a barbecue and Gatting, naturally,
insisted on cooking all the food (as well as eating most of it).
British Eurosport: U-19 European Championship Final live (7pm)
"When the food began to run out, one of the officials asked for a
volunteer to take more meat to the barbie. Seeing the opportunity of
getting Gatting's autograph, I offered my help and was given a heavy
box full of frozen chops to take to him.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"On arriving, I found Gatting looking rather sweaty and flustered as
the food was rapidly running out. I asked him where he would like the
box, to which he curtly replied: 'Drop it down there'.
Up All Night (1am)
"Eager to please, I followed Gatt's orders exactly. Unfortunately I
dropped the box too close to him and it scraped down his shin and
onto his foot with a hefty thump.
Talksport: Patrick Kinghorn, Gabrielle Marcotti and Micky Quinn (7pm)
"There followed a few seconds of colourful language followed by a
very angry 'What the **** did you do that for?' aimed at me from the
England skipper.
Xfm: Import/Export (9am)
"Later I saw England opener Martin Moxon, so I bought myself a pint
and went to chat to him. Unfortunately, as soon as I reached him, he
decided to upend a tube of Smarties into my drink and then wandered
off laughing.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Needless to say, I didn't get either autograph." Great stuff. Now,
it's been said everyone has 15 minutes of fame, so we want to hear
about yours (and thereby give you an extra 30 seconds). Send your
tales of TV/local newspaper exposure to the.boss@guardian.co.uk ,
marked There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
CAPTION COMPETITIONS WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A PHOTO AND ASK YOU FOR A
WITTY LINE ARE OLD AND TIRED. ONES WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A WITTY LINE
AND ASK YOU FOR AN IMAGE TO MATCH AREN'T
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
29 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Path of East Resistance
* * * * * * * * * * * *
NO CONSPIRACY, HONEST
Considering the manner in which Sky hyped it up as the most dramatic
series of revelations since John the Apostle chronicled his vision of
Satan's final rebellion at Armageddon, the Fiver was expecting
pyrotechnics, billowing clouds of dry ice and feather boa-waving
dancing girls when it tuned in to the draw for the third qualifying
round of Big Cup. Instead, we got the usual three glass bowls and 32
balls. Thirty-six if you count those of the two Uefa blazers it took
to explain the convoluted rules before proceedings could get under
way.
Scouse conspiracy theorists (ie everyone on Merseyside) were quickly
disappointed when it emerged that Liverpool and Everton would not
face each other, a turn of events that left the red half of Liverpool
with nothing to complain about and the blue half with a stinker
against Villarreal. Assuming they see off FBK Kaunas, Rafa Benitez's
side will play KF Tirana or CSKA Sofia, although chief executive Rick
Parry soon warned: "When you see what happened to Celtic in midweek,
you can't take anything for granted" - neglecting to mention that
thing you can take for granted is that the MU Glazerballs always get
an easy draw. This year their likely opponents are Hungary's
Debrecen. No, us neither.
Meanwhile in Scotland, the Queen's Celtic have already stolen a march
in the annual Old Firm race to see who can get knocked out of Europe
earliest, but should they overturn their five-goal first-leg deficit
against Hoxton side Artmedia, a tie against Partizan Belgrade or
Sheriff Tiraspol awaits. Elsewhere in Glasgow, not even the Pope's
O'Rangers will be confident that they can be beaten by Anorthosis
Famagusta or Trabzonspor. But having threatened to make the group
stages last year, Irish outfit Shelbourne will fancy their chances of
going one better. An away scoredraw against Steaua Bucharest next
week would see them play Rosenborg, where a win would prompt no end
of drink-related lazy national stereotyping and derring-do.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Contractual discussions are on-going but that does not place a
question mark over Rio's loyalty, his commitment, his desire, his
heart and his will to win trophies for Manchester United" - Carlos
Queiroz puts his faith in Rio signing on the dotted line. That'll be
the same loyal Rio who's threatened to walk out on the club which
paid him eight months' wages while being suspended, then.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Kevin McCarra on why Gordon Strachan faces a much greater challenge
than he ever expected:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1538676,00.html
One reader claims to have shot 29 on Mini Putt 2 - can you top this?
Play the greatest internet sports games ever to find out:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Fancy winning a signed Kevin Pietersen bat? Then click here:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1537204,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Expect Michael Essien to be a Chelsea player by the start of next week
after Lyon chairman Jean-Michel Aulas was invited to the place where
no one ever says "no": Roman Abramovich's yacht.
Norwich midfielder Damien Francis will be staying at Carrow Road after
Portsmouth balked at his GBP2m transfer fee.
However, Bernard Cribbins expects better luck after bidding GBP2m for
Charlton's Jason Euell.
Schalke's pursuit of Row Z's favourite striker, Milan Baros, looks
doomed to fail because of his exorbitant wage demands.
Friday nights on Tyneside are always a bit tasty and tonight will be
no exception, after Sunderland came to town in a bid to hijack Craig
Moore's contract talks with Newcastle.
Rennes starlet Olivier N'Siabamfumu, who has helped France into
tonight's European U19 Championships final against England, has
popped up on the radars of Man City, Middlesbrough and, worryingly
for the other two, Real Madrid.
And in one of the more unlikely rumours to adorn this column,
Marseille are chasing Oxford United winger Chris Hackett. Seriously.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The draw for the second qualifying round of Euro Vase also took place
today, pitting Dundee United against Finnish side MyPa 47, Carmarthen
with FC Copenhagen, Cork against Sweden's Djurgarden and Rhyl with
Viking of Norway.
The Brazilian Football Confederation want to make Real Madrid really
pay for signing Robinho from Santos. They're insisting the galacticos
meet their $50m buyout clause in order to get their man.
Dvd O Lry's big Aston Villa summer signing is... Gavin McCann, who's
agreed a three-year contract extension.
The News of the World has apologised and agreed to pay "substantial
damages" to Keith Gillespie after publishing false allegations in
relation to Leicester City's trip to Spain last March.
The Daily Star have also said sorry and paid damages to Andy Johnson,
after falsely implying he was involved in drug and alcohol abuse.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Fantasy Chairman's back and there's GBP10,000 and a whole lot of
bragging rights up for grabs. Sign up NOW for a chance to win!
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
And if it's Ashes you want, then it's Ashes you'll get with our
action-packed special report: sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Gordon Strachan and the Fiver Ed's comment [yesterday's TV and
radio] that the Celtic boss no longer writes for the Guardian. May I
be the 103rd person to suggest that he may shortly be back? Perhaps
as a golf pundit?" - Graham Eastmond.
"I can't bear it any longer. David Sullivan is the co-owner of
Birmingham FC and proprietor of the Daily and Sunday Sport (clue -
they contain pictures of ladies' bits). Bongo is slang for such
images. Hence Bongo FC. I know you've probably had hundreds of
do-gooders writing in with an explanation, but I'm just bored of it
now, so please put an end to it. Thank you" - Beth, London.
"Could I defend my integrity by pointing out that I sent my email
regarding Peter Crouch to you at 11:51am on Wednesday, well before
the appearance of football365's Mediawatch section? I'm sure I won't
get an apology, but when my daughter comes home from school crying
because the other kids have been taunting her with 'your dad's a
plagiarist', I hope you'll feel proud of yourselves" - Saurabh
Kakkar.
"I remember when the letters section was a hive of wit, debate and
insight. Throw a T-shirt into the mix and suddenly it's a murky pit
of suspicion, plagiarism and general ill-will. Are the nation's
football-loving work-shirkers really that poorly dressed?" - Niall
McVeigh.
"Whilst David Baddiel gets ever fatter and even less funny yet still
manages to secure a new TV deal every season, Rob Newman is reduced
to writing into the Fiver [yesterday's letters]. I bet he's bitter" -
Alex Roy.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winner: Saurabh Kakkar.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Amsterdam Tournament Live - Boca Juniors v Porto
(5.30pm)
"Back in the days when England actually won the Ashes, my hometown
cricket club, Letchworth CC, used to hold an annual benefit day where
one of the major counties would turn up for a match against the
locals," says Pete Tomlin, kicking off your final day of autograph
stories.
Ajax v Arsenal Live (8.15pm)
"This particular year, Yorkshire were the opponents and to even up
the sides a bit, then England captain Mike Gatting agreed to turn out
for Letchworth.
Premiership Years (10:30pm)
"Part of this event involved a barbecue and Gatting, naturally,
insisted on cooking all the food (as well as eating most of it).
British Eurosport: U-19 European Championship Final live (7pm)
"When the food began to run out, one of the officials asked for a
volunteer to take more meat to the barbie. Seeing the opportunity of
getting Gatting's autograph, I offered my help and was given a heavy
box full of frozen chops to take to him.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"On arriving, I found Gatting looking rather sweaty and flustered as
the food was rapidly running out. I asked him where he would like the
box, to which he curtly replied: 'Drop it down there'.
Up All Night (1am)
"Eager to please, I followed Gatt's orders exactly. Unfortunately I
dropped the box too close to him and it scraped down his shin and
onto his foot with a hefty thump.
Talksport: Patrick Kinghorn, Gabrielle Marcotti and Micky Quinn (7pm)
"There followed a few seconds of colourful language followed by a
very angry 'What the **** did you do that for?' aimed at me from the
England skipper.
Xfm: Import/Export (9am)
"Later I saw England opener Martin Moxon, so I bought myself a pint
and went to chat to him. Unfortunately, as soon as I reached him, he
decided to upend a tube of Smarties into my drink and then wandered
off laughing.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Needless to say, I didn't get either autograph." Great stuff. Now,
it's been said everyone has 15 minutes of fame, so we want to hear
about yours (and thereby give you an extra 30 seconds). Send your
tales of TV/local newspaper exposure to the.boss@guardian.co.uk ,
marked There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
CAPTION COMPETITIONS WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A PHOTO AND ASK YOU FOR A
WITTY LINE ARE OLD AND TIRED. ONES WHERE THEY GIVE YOU A WITTY LINE
AND ASK YOU FOR AN IMAGE TO MATCH AREN'T
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.