Post by Salem6 on Jul 29, 2005 5:16:41 GMT
The Fiver
28 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Shambles
* * * * * * * * * * * *
RED FACES
Like a long-time patron of a 10-pence-for-10-seconds peep show, the
Fiver has seen it all. But even we were stunned at just how Celtic
were humbled by Artmedia - a team who, until yesterday, we assumed
played in the Braying Hoxton Creatives' Second Division (Midweek
Floodlit League, Sponsored by Toni & Guy Highlights). No wonder
Artmedia coach Vladimir Weiss was in shock today, joyously whooping:
"It is still difficult to comprehend what happened last night. I
would have settled for a 1-0 victory. But the goals just kept
coming!"
Indeed they did. So it was little surprise that, first thing this
morning, the bookies responded to Celtic's 5-0 shellacking by
slashing the odds on Wee Gordon Strachan to be the first SPL sacking
from 16-1 to 5-1, a price that may yet be value considering that the
Orange(haired)man guided Coventry to relegation after 34 years in the
First Division/Premiership and also jumped the good ship Southampton
before they hit a Bella Emberg-sized iceberg.
In a desperate PR counter, Celtic's glitzy official website today
wheeled out prospective new signing Shunsuke Nakamura, who promised:
"People should have no doubt that I am still coming to Glasgow.
European football is not the only reason I will be signing for
Celtic." Which, of course, is true - he's primarily there to sell
Nike-swished hooped shirts in Japan. Still, there is one crumb of
comfort for Celtic fans - last night's defeat isn't the worst by a
Scottish team in Europe. That record is held by Rangers, who were
thrashed 6-0 by Real Madrid in 1964.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"There are big clubs in the Championship with ambition, and they meet
the Uefa regulations. It would be a great opportunity to show they
come from a league better than most" - Stewart Regan, the Football
League's director of the Championship, lobbies for his division's
champions to be given an Intertoto Cup spot. Surely even Uefa won't
fall for that?
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
And you thought your team were bad? Jeff Connor spends 12 months with
the UK's worst side, East Stirling:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1537429,00.html
Georgina Turner on the worst beatings British clubs have suffered in
Europe:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1537985,00.html
Smirk yourself senseless with our Shane Warne Gallery, before getting
on with your Joey Bartons:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1536396,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Robert Pires will wait and see how Arsenal are faring at Christmas
before deciding on whether to sign a new contract.
Even though they're expected to increase net revenue by GBP35m over
the next 12 months, West Ham are still trying to pinch Stoke skipper
Clive Clarke on the cheap, with a new bid of just GBP300,000 on the
table.
Having failed to sign Andy Johnson, THFC and Everton will now duke it
out with Internazionale for the signing of Dutch winger Andy van der
Meyde.
New Rowdies goalkeeper Ben Foster will be shipped out to Watford for a
season's loan.
Just as Dvd O Lry thought he had Milan Baros all to himself, Schalke
have gone and entered the bidding for Liverpool's GBP7m-rated
one-on-one miss merchant.
Sheffield United have turned down Wigan's GBP3.5m bid for Phil
Jagielka.
Walsall plan to tie down England U19 prospect Matt Fryatt with the
offer of a new contract - unless a big club gets in there first.
Oh, and Lyon...Michael Essien...hardball...GBP31m...Special
One...patience wearing thin...
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Ahead of tomorrow's draw for the final round of Big Cup qualifying,
the conspiracy theorists are already making themselves heard. "Uefa
don't want all these English clubs involved and if a Mersey derby
happens there will be a few raised eyebrows, I'm sure," said former
Everton striker Graeme Sharp, before sidling off into the shadows in
the company of a cigarette-smoking man.
Manchester City club suits have fined Joey Barton GBP120,000 and given
him a "final warning".
Perennially-injured Real Madrid defender Jonathan Woodgate has
rubbished reports that his career is over, saying: "My leg's fine; I
have confidence in my leg."
And the MU Blue Jackets survived a mini-earthquake during the first
half of their pre-season tour match against Kashima Antlers, but they
couldn't stop the J League leaders running out 2-1 victors.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Win! Win! Win! We've a spot in the London triathlon, a triathlon
training session and top triathlon gear up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1537204,00.html
Win! Win! Win! There's also a signed, non-triathlon-related Kevin
Pietersen bat to give away:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1537204,00.html
Dodge, duck, dip, dive and, er, dodge your way to the Jobcentre with
the greatest internet sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And if it's Ashes you want, then it's Ashes you'll get with our
action-packed special report: sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"A 35mm film canister would make a great place for Wee Gordon Strachan
to hide from angry Celtic fans following last night's performance
against the minnows from Slovakia" - Joshua Hardie.
"I look forward to reading Gordon Strachan's detailed analysis of the
tactics used during Celtic's humiliation in Slovakia in his Guardian
column" - Darren Rigby [He's gone - Fiver Ed].
"After seeing Paul Telfer play for the Queen's Celtic last night, it
occurred to me that he might be the first footballer in a while that
not even playing in Scotland can make look good" - Chris Nathans.
"I've been getting the Fiver for four years and I'm pretty certain
yesterday was the first time it arrived in my inbox at dead on 5pm.
Congrats!" - John Gadd (and others).
"Adverts say you could face a fine of up to GBP1,000 for not having a
TV licence, but El Hadji Diouf gets away with a GBP100 fine and GBP50
costs. I'm immediately cancelling the direct debits and waiting for
the inspectors to come knocking on my door. It'll save me money in
the long run" - Reg Ozcan.
"I feel I must try and protect your, ahem, integrity. The comment
about Peter Crouch made by yesterday's T-shirt winner, Saurabh
Kakkar, was lifted directly from Football365's Mediawatch section" -
James Stagg (and many others). [Following a Fiver disciplinary
hearing, it's been decided that Saurabh Kakkar will not be getting a
T-shirt. We'd also like him to send eight weeks of his wages to Fiver
Towers by way of a fine - Fiver Ed].
"I take it from Colin Blayney's apocryphal Bobby Hundreds effort in
yesterday's TV & Radio that we can pinch any well-known after-dinner
anecdote and pass it off as our own? In that case, I was the
room-service waiter who said: 'Where did it all go wrong, George?' as
he sat on a bed of money, drinking copious amounts of bubbly with
Miss World" - Stephen Cunningham, Liverpool. [A couple of plagiarists
... spoiling it for everyone ... making us look stupid ... gah! -
Fiver Ed.]
"I've been reading the Fiver since its inception and I have no idea
why Bongo FC are called Bongo FC. Perhaps a late-night adult version
of the Fiver could be published in which this information might be
divulged?" - Neil Pattison.
"Re: who'd win a fight between the Thing and Vic Mackey? Vic Mackey,
of course. Look at how he dealt with the Armenian money launderers.
No sweat" - Terry Reynolds.
"The large forest-dwelling antelope (boocercuseurycerus) of central
Africa that was referred to yesterday as a bongo is in fact an Okapi
and is a cross between a giraffe and a zebra" - Anthony Blandford.
"Surely it should be the Newcastle 69ers because they suck?" - Ian
Bowater.
"Am I the only one who thought that Aliadiere might have big thumbs
and was trying to text his name, Jeremie, instead of 'Je t'aime' at
the end of his messages to Page 3 stunna Leilani?" - Rob Newman.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winners: Rob Newman and Stephen Cunningham (who wins the
T-shirt intended for Saurabh Kakkar yesterday).
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC2: Extras (9pm)
After yesterday's Colin Blayney-instigated Bobby Hundreds debacle,
the veracity of today's story of autograph-snubbery has been
rigorously vetted by a team of bespectacled independent observers.
ITV1: All-Star Poker Challenge (12pm)
So without further ado, over to you ... Dylan Smith.
Sky Sports 2: J League Weekly (5.30pm)
"As a kid my dad used to get tickets to every England match at
Wembley including access to the Players' Bar after the games," Dylan
begins, erroneously conveying the impression that his dad was a
well-connected underage drinker.
Live Darts (7pm)
"On one such occasion I spotted then England manager ..."
British Eurosport: Live Women's U19 Football (8pm)
Sir Alf Ramsey? Ron Greenwood? Anyone but ...
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"... Bobby Robson standing around staring into space whilst chewing
on a bar of Dairy Milk."
Talksport: Patrick Kinghorn and Alvin Martin (7pm)
Gah! This is obviously another of those urban myths everyone in the
world except us has heard so there's no point in us finishing it.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
If somebody who isn't Bobby Robson has ever refused to give you an
autograph, we want to hear about it. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
and mark it I'm Your Biggest Fan.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE LONESOME BOATMAN
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
28 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Shambles
* * * * * * * * * * * *
RED FACES
Like a long-time patron of a 10-pence-for-10-seconds peep show, the
Fiver has seen it all. But even we were stunned at just how Celtic
were humbled by Artmedia - a team who, until yesterday, we assumed
played in the Braying Hoxton Creatives' Second Division (Midweek
Floodlit League, Sponsored by Toni & Guy Highlights). No wonder
Artmedia coach Vladimir Weiss was in shock today, joyously whooping:
"It is still difficult to comprehend what happened last night. I
would have settled for a 1-0 victory. But the goals just kept
coming!"
Indeed they did. So it was little surprise that, first thing this
morning, the bookies responded to Celtic's 5-0 shellacking by
slashing the odds on Wee Gordon Strachan to be the first SPL sacking
from 16-1 to 5-1, a price that may yet be value considering that the
Orange(haired)man guided Coventry to relegation after 34 years in the
First Division/Premiership and also jumped the good ship Southampton
before they hit a Bella Emberg-sized iceberg.
In a desperate PR counter, Celtic's glitzy official website today
wheeled out prospective new signing Shunsuke Nakamura, who promised:
"People should have no doubt that I am still coming to Glasgow.
European football is not the only reason I will be signing for
Celtic." Which, of course, is true - he's primarily there to sell
Nike-swished hooped shirts in Japan. Still, there is one crumb of
comfort for Celtic fans - last night's defeat isn't the worst by a
Scottish team in Europe. That record is held by Rangers, who were
thrashed 6-0 by Real Madrid in 1964.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"There are big clubs in the Championship with ambition, and they meet
the Uefa regulations. It would be a great opportunity to show they
come from a league better than most" - Stewart Regan, the Football
League's director of the Championship, lobbies for his division's
champions to be given an Intertoto Cup spot. Surely even Uefa won't
fall for that?
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
And you thought your team were bad? Jeff Connor spends 12 months with
the UK's worst side, East Stirling:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1537429,00.html
Georgina Turner on the worst beatings British clubs have suffered in
Europe:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1537985,00.html
Smirk yourself senseless with our Shane Warne Gallery, before getting
on with your Joey Bartons:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1536396,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Robert Pires will wait and see how Arsenal are faring at Christmas
before deciding on whether to sign a new contract.
Even though they're expected to increase net revenue by GBP35m over
the next 12 months, West Ham are still trying to pinch Stoke skipper
Clive Clarke on the cheap, with a new bid of just GBP300,000 on the
table.
Having failed to sign Andy Johnson, THFC and Everton will now duke it
out with Internazionale for the signing of Dutch winger Andy van der
Meyde.
New Rowdies goalkeeper Ben Foster will be shipped out to Watford for a
season's loan.
Just as Dvd O Lry thought he had Milan Baros all to himself, Schalke
have gone and entered the bidding for Liverpool's GBP7m-rated
one-on-one miss merchant.
Sheffield United have turned down Wigan's GBP3.5m bid for Phil
Jagielka.
Walsall plan to tie down England U19 prospect Matt Fryatt with the
offer of a new contract - unless a big club gets in there first.
Oh, and Lyon...Michael Essien...hardball...GBP31m...Special
One...patience wearing thin...
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Ahead of tomorrow's draw for the final round of Big Cup qualifying,
the conspiracy theorists are already making themselves heard. "Uefa
don't want all these English clubs involved and if a Mersey derby
happens there will be a few raised eyebrows, I'm sure," said former
Everton striker Graeme Sharp, before sidling off into the shadows in
the company of a cigarette-smoking man.
Manchester City club suits have fined Joey Barton GBP120,000 and given
him a "final warning".
Perennially-injured Real Madrid defender Jonathan Woodgate has
rubbished reports that his career is over, saying: "My leg's fine; I
have confidence in my leg."
And the MU Blue Jackets survived a mini-earthquake during the first
half of their pre-season tour match against Kashima Antlers, but they
couldn't stop the J League leaders running out 2-1 victors.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Win! Win! Win! We've a spot in the London triathlon, a triathlon
training session and top triathlon gear up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1537204,00.html
Win! Win! Win! There's also a signed, non-triathlon-related Kevin
Pietersen bat to give away:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1537204,00.html
Dodge, duck, dip, dive and, er, dodge your way to the Jobcentre with
the greatest internet sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And if it's Ashes you want, then it's Ashes you'll get with our
action-packed special report: sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"A 35mm film canister would make a great place for Wee Gordon Strachan
to hide from angry Celtic fans following last night's performance
against the minnows from Slovakia" - Joshua Hardie.
"I look forward to reading Gordon Strachan's detailed analysis of the
tactics used during Celtic's humiliation in Slovakia in his Guardian
column" - Darren Rigby [He's gone - Fiver Ed].
"After seeing Paul Telfer play for the Queen's Celtic last night, it
occurred to me that he might be the first footballer in a while that
not even playing in Scotland can make look good" - Chris Nathans.
"I've been getting the Fiver for four years and I'm pretty certain
yesterday was the first time it arrived in my inbox at dead on 5pm.
Congrats!" - John Gadd (and others).
"Adverts say you could face a fine of up to GBP1,000 for not having a
TV licence, but El Hadji Diouf gets away with a GBP100 fine and GBP50
costs. I'm immediately cancelling the direct debits and waiting for
the inspectors to come knocking on my door. It'll save me money in
the long run" - Reg Ozcan.
"I feel I must try and protect your, ahem, integrity. The comment
about Peter Crouch made by yesterday's T-shirt winner, Saurabh
Kakkar, was lifted directly from Football365's Mediawatch section" -
James Stagg (and many others). [Following a Fiver disciplinary
hearing, it's been decided that Saurabh Kakkar will not be getting a
T-shirt. We'd also like him to send eight weeks of his wages to Fiver
Towers by way of a fine - Fiver Ed].
"I take it from Colin Blayney's apocryphal Bobby Hundreds effort in
yesterday's TV & Radio that we can pinch any well-known after-dinner
anecdote and pass it off as our own? In that case, I was the
room-service waiter who said: 'Where did it all go wrong, George?' as
he sat on a bed of money, drinking copious amounts of bubbly with
Miss World" - Stephen Cunningham, Liverpool. [A couple of plagiarists
... spoiling it for everyone ... making us look stupid ... gah! -
Fiver Ed.]
"I've been reading the Fiver since its inception and I have no idea
why Bongo FC are called Bongo FC. Perhaps a late-night adult version
of the Fiver could be published in which this information might be
divulged?" - Neil Pattison.
"Re: who'd win a fight between the Thing and Vic Mackey? Vic Mackey,
of course. Look at how he dealt with the Armenian money launderers.
No sweat" - Terry Reynolds.
"The large forest-dwelling antelope (boocercuseurycerus) of central
Africa that was referred to yesterday as a bongo is in fact an Okapi
and is a cross between a giraffe and a zebra" - Anthony Blandford.
"Surely it should be the Newcastle 69ers because they suck?" - Ian
Bowater.
"Am I the only one who thought that Aliadiere might have big thumbs
and was trying to text his name, Jeremie, instead of 'Je t'aime' at
the end of his messages to Page 3 stunna Leilani?" - Rob Newman.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/.
Today's winners: Rob Newman and Stephen Cunningham (who wins the
T-shirt intended for Saurabh Kakkar yesterday).
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC2: Extras (9pm)
After yesterday's Colin Blayney-instigated Bobby Hundreds debacle,
the veracity of today's story of autograph-snubbery has been
rigorously vetted by a team of bespectacled independent observers.
ITV1: All-Star Poker Challenge (12pm)
So without further ado, over to you ... Dylan Smith.
Sky Sports 2: J League Weekly (5.30pm)
"As a kid my dad used to get tickets to every England match at
Wembley including access to the Players' Bar after the games," Dylan
begins, erroneously conveying the impression that his dad was a
well-connected underage drinker.
Live Darts (7pm)
"On one such occasion I spotted then England manager ..."
British Eurosport: Live Women's U19 Football (8pm)
Sir Alf Ramsey? Ron Greenwood? Anyone but ...
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"... Bobby Robson standing around staring into space whilst chewing
on a bar of Dairy Milk."
Talksport: Patrick Kinghorn and Alvin Martin (7pm)
Gah! This is obviously another of those urban myths everyone in the
world except us has heard so there's no point in us finishing it.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
If somebody who isn't Bobby Robson has ever refused to give you an
autograph, we want to hear about it. Email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
and mark it I'm Your Biggest Fan.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE LONESOME BOATMAN
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.