Post by Salem6 on Jul 28, 2005 5:16:34 GMT
The Fiver
27 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Cometh The Man [Fingers Crossed]
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THFC MAKING PASSES AT MEN WHO WEAR GLASSES
The last time your ever-gullible Fiver opened the Daily Mail on April
Fool's Day and wasn't instantly convinced that spaghetti grows on
trees and scientists had discovered the world's first talking,
writing, simultaneous-equation-solving dormouse, we were also tapping
our winklepickers in time to Blondie's Denis. So it will come as no
surprise to hear that we've long been expecting to see Rivaldo, Luis
Figo, Christian Vieri and Ancaeus, son of Poseidon, pitching up to
pose with THFC scarves at White Hart Lane.
Today though, the Fiver and Tottenham fans alike were able to rejoice
at the dawning of a new age, a time without disappointment, an era
free from the humiliation of foolish hope and faith [though we still
say it's not entirely unreasonable to conclude that a mouse could, in
fact, ink its tail and map out Pascal's triangle]. For, having been
linked with an unlikely stay in north London, begoggled Dutchman
Edgar Davids has actually signed for THFC.
Well, he hasn't. Yet. But his lawyer says he'll be jetting in tomorrow
to cough for the doctor and agree personal terms after Internazionale
agreed to a free transfer. Yes, free. Which is an absolute bargain,
unless you count the GBP1.5m golden hello THFC have lined up to
placate the Pitbull, not to mention the bank-breaking
GBP47,000-per-week stipend he's reportedly been promised, as
Tottenham continue to apply the corporate Mastercard solution.
But what does Martin Jol care for chairman Daniel Levy's budget? After
all, he's just added midfielder No14 to the revolution! "He is one of
the most versatile midfielders, a ball-winner with great stamina and
huge charisma," he drooled. "It's terrific. He will lift the team's
mentality. We have a young squad and I believe Edgar will come in and
lead by example." All of which suggests that even though half the
THFC squad are still singing soprano, he wants them to go off
chasing lucrative swansongs straight away.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I have always wanted to go to a big club when that time came along,
and with City coming in for me there was only one decision for me to
make" - and we thought the prospect of dueling it out with Antoine
Sibierski for the right to partner fellow England rejects Andy Cole
and Robbie Fowler persuaded Darius Vassell to complete his GBP2m move
from Aston Villa to Man City.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Having sold Real Madrid a crock, Newcastle are now willing to take
Jonathan Woodgate back off their hands - for a vastly cut-price fee,
of course - after the injury-prone defender broke down with another
thigh problem.
Unperturbed, Bernabeu bean-counters have prepared a GBP23m offer for
Julio Baptista, once and for all scuppering Arsenal's hopes of
snaring the Sevilla striker.
Double defensive daylight snubbery for Liverpool, who have seen both
Zaragoza's Gabriel Milito and Deportivo's Jorge Andrade turn their
noses up at moves to Anfield.
Ricardo Fuller can expect pre-season line out lessons if he completes
a prospective GBP250,000 switch from Pompey to much-loved neighbours
Southampton.
Peter Kenyon has slipped into Lyon with a cheque for GBP21m as Chelsea
bid to finally tie up Michael Essien's transfer, hours after the
Blues rubbished claims of a GBP60m swoop for Andriy Shevchenko.
And Carlisle hope to succeed where the Special One has so far failed
and acquire a Ukrainian of their own; the Cumbrians have taken U21
midfielder Dmitri Pronovych on trial.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
While Souey looks home and hosed in the Premiership sack-race, the
Championship version has an early non-runner, after Steve Claridge
bolted from Millwall before reaching the starting stalls. With
Claridge gone after just 36 days, Colin Lee takes over.
Jamie Carragher has dedicated his goal in Liverpool's 3-1 Big Cup
qualifying win over FBK Kaunas to Michael Shields, the fan jailed in
Bulgaria for an attempted murder somebody else has confessed to. "Me
and Stevie [Gerrard] are heartbroken for the lad because it's
obviously an injustice," said the defender.
Just 17 sides are left in Serie A after the demotion to Serie C of
newly-promoted Genoa for match-fixing. The news comes barely a week
after Messina and Torino were relegated owing to financial problems.
Shaun Goater will be fed at a different club this season after Reading
cut the big Bermudan loose.
Cue 'Hello Bhoys' headlines after glamour model Leilani revealed how
she'll be in the Fir Park crowd to support her boyfriend and new loan
signing, Jeremie Aliadiere, in Celtic's season-opener with Motherwell
on Saturday. "Jeremie told me he loved me after three weeks; he
always puts 'Je t'aime' at the end of texts," she beamed.
And you thought his spitting was bad? Bolton striker El Hadji Diouf
has been fined GBP100 and ordered to pay GBP50 in costs for not
having a TV licence.
And the MU Glazerdevil Diamondbacks' breakaway club, FC United, could
face some local rivalry after Man City fans proved Bobby Brown's
dictum that "two can play that game". They've announced plans for an
offshoot team of their own, called Fans Football Club City.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Find out if footballers have to do military service in the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1535863,00.html
Play the best internet sports games ever, get hooked and then fired:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Check out the latest games, books and gadgets in the Gear:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/0,12490,803746,00.html
And if it's Ashes you want, then it's Ashes you'll get with our
features-packed special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"In the Guardian's report on last night's Liverpool game, Dominic
Fifield describes Peter Crouch as 'a signing of real stature who
provided no little elegance in his ground play'. That's just a posh
way of saying 'he's got a good touch for a big man'"- Saurabh Kakkar
(and others).
"A 35mm film canister would make an excellent specimen jar for Joey
Barton's brain" - Glenn Osborne, Melbourne.
"By tagging Manchester United with nicknames of American teams, I
guess it was only a matter of time before a Boston Red Sox fan chimed
in. When this pathetic breed of supporter voices an opinion it's time
to move on. The Red Sox are more like the MU Glazerballs than any
other American team. Both sets of supporters whined for years before
they finally won another championship" - C.R. Miller (and many
others).
"Am I the only reader who thought yesterday's Brian Moore story was
about the late football commentator until quite a long way and
several clues (Lions, rugby, New Zealand, swearing) into the story?"
- Paul Bowen. [New Zealand and the Lions were both mentioned in the
story before Brian Moore - Fiver Ed].
"I don't know what's upset Paul Meredith (yesterday's Fiver letters)
but please don't stop the 'ignorant and frankly dull references to
Manchester United with pseudo-American names'. Of course it's not big
or clever, but then why would it be? It is the Fiver, after all. They
still make me laugh out loud and annoy the hotdogs and grits out of
every Man Utd supporter I know" - Robert Eden, Dublin.
"Could you please show some imagination and curtail printing the
ignorant and dull missives from the likes of Paul Meredith
(yesterday's letters)? The mere mention of Blackeye Rovers, the MU
Rowdies and Bongo FC always appeals to the inner child. One can only
assume that living in America and supporting Swansea has robbed Paul
of his sense of humour" - Emma, a Loony Toons fan from Leeds.
"Surely it should be the Newcastle 69ers seeing as that was last time
they won anything?" - Matthew Davies.
"Can someone explain to me how come the teams Newcastle are playing in
the Intertoto Cup are 10 times better than the teams that Liverpool
are playing in the Champions League?" - Philly Mac, Maryland. [They
just look better because they're playing against Newcastle - Fiver
Ed].
"I have presumed for weeks that Bernard Cribbins was actually the name
of the manager of Bongo FC" - Colin Bolton, Sydney.
"A bongo is a large, forest-dwelling antelope (boocercus eurycerus) of
central Africa, having a reddish-brown coat with white stripes and
spirally twisted horns. It is disappointing that Henry Cooke
(yesterday's Fiver letters) would not want to discuss this with a
child. If we can't communicate openly with young people then how can
we stop the divisions and fear and live together in harmony?" -
Andrew Hulbert.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com.
Today's winner: Saurabh Kakkar (but not the others).
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Fifa Futbol Mundial (12am)
"A friend of mine was holidaying in the US a few years ago and
spotted Sir Bobby Robson," writes Colin Blayney, introducing another
of your great autograph swindles.
BBC Two: The Strange Case of Sherlock Holmes and Arthur Conan Doyle
(9pm)
"Never one to miss an opportunity, he approached the great man, who,
affable as ever, smiled and agreed to write an autograph.
Five: Big Cat Predators - Tigers (8pm)
"While Bobby was signing the scrap of paper, my friend commented: 'I
bet you get asked to do loads of these', to which Sir Bob replied:
'Yeah, hundreds'.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"My chum went off happy, until he looked at the autograph and saw
that it had been signed: 'Best wishes, Bobby Hundreds'."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Has your autograph hunt gone wrong with tragic or hilarious
consequences? Reveal all to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking your
missives I Hope You're Not Left-handed Because I Only Have a
Right-handed Pen.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WHO'D WIN A FIGHT BETWEEN THE THING AND VIC MACKEY?
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
27 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Cometh The Man [Fingers Crossed]
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THFC MAKING PASSES AT MEN WHO WEAR GLASSES
The last time your ever-gullible Fiver opened the Daily Mail on April
Fool's Day and wasn't instantly convinced that spaghetti grows on
trees and scientists had discovered the world's first talking,
writing, simultaneous-equation-solving dormouse, we were also tapping
our winklepickers in time to Blondie's Denis. So it will come as no
surprise to hear that we've long been expecting to see Rivaldo, Luis
Figo, Christian Vieri and Ancaeus, son of Poseidon, pitching up to
pose with THFC scarves at White Hart Lane.
Today though, the Fiver and Tottenham fans alike were able to rejoice
at the dawning of a new age, a time without disappointment, an era
free from the humiliation of foolish hope and faith [though we still
say it's not entirely unreasonable to conclude that a mouse could, in
fact, ink its tail and map out Pascal's triangle]. For, having been
linked with an unlikely stay in north London, begoggled Dutchman
Edgar Davids has actually signed for THFC.
Well, he hasn't. Yet. But his lawyer says he'll be jetting in tomorrow
to cough for the doctor and agree personal terms after Internazionale
agreed to a free transfer. Yes, free. Which is an absolute bargain,
unless you count the GBP1.5m golden hello THFC have lined up to
placate the Pitbull, not to mention the bank-breaking
GBP47,000-per-week stipend he's reportedly been promised, as
Tottenham continue to apply the corporate Mastercard solution.
But what does Martin Jol care for chairman Daniel Levy's budget? After
all, he's just added midfielder No14 to the revolution! "He is one of
the most versatile midfielders, a ball-winner with great stamina and
huge charisma," he drooled. "It's terrific. He will lift the team's
mentality. We have a young squad and I believe Edgar will come in and
lead by example." All of which suggests that even though half the
THFC squad are still singing soprano, he wants them to go off
chasing lucrative swansongs straight away.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I have always wanted to go to a big club when that time came along,
and with City coming in for me there was only one decision for me to
make" - and we thought the prospect of dueling it out with Antoine
Sibierski for the right to partner fellow England rejects Andy Cole
and Robbie Fowler persuaded Darius Vassell to complete his GBP2m move
from Aston Villa to Man City.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Having sold Real Madrid a crock, Newcastle are now willing to take
Jonathan Woodgate back off their hands - for a vastly cut-price fee,
of course - after the injury-prone defender broke down with another
thigh problem.
Unperturbed, Bernabeu bean-counters have prepared a GBP23m offer for
Julio Baptista, once and for all scuppering Arsenal's hopes of
snaring the Sevilla striker.
Double defensive daylight snubbery for Liverpool, who have seen both
Zaragoza's Gabriel Milito and Deportivo's Jorge Andrade turn their
noses up at moves to Anfield.
Ricardo Fuller can expect pre-season line out lessons if he completes
a prospective GBP250,000 switch from Pompey to much-loved neighbours
Southampton.
Peter Kenyon has slipped into Lyon with a cheque for GBP21m as Chelsea
bid to finally tie up Michael Essien's transfer, hours after the
Blues rubbished claims of a GBP60m swoop for Andriy Shevchenko.
And Carlisle hope to succeed where the Special One has so far failed
and acquire a Ukrainian of their own; the Cumbrians have taken U21
midfielder Dmitri Pronovych on trial.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
While Souey looks home and hosed in the Premiership sack-race, the
Championship version has an early non-runner, after Steve Claridge
bolted from Millwall before reaching the starting stalls. With
Claridge gone after just 36 days, Colin Lee takes over.
Jamie Carragher has dedicated his goal in Liverpool's 3-1 Big Cup
qualifying win over FBK Kaunas to Michael Shields, the fan jailed in
Bulgaria for an attempted murder somebody else has confessed to. "Me
and Stevie [Gerrard] are heartbroken for the lad because it's
obviously an injustice," said the defender.
Just 17 sides are left in Serie A after the demotion to Serie C of
newly-promoted Genoa for match-fixing. The news comes barely a week
after Messina and Torino were relegated owing to financial problems.
Shaun Goater will be fed at a different club this season after Reading
cut the big Bermudan loose.
Cue 'Hello Bhoys' headlines after glamour model Leilani revealed how
she'll be in the Fir Park crowd to support her boyfriend and new loan
signing, Jeremie Aliadiere, in Celtic's season-opener with Motherwell
on Saturday. "Jeremie told me he loved me after three weeks; he
always puts 'Je t'aime' at the end of texts," she beamed.
And you thought his spitting was bad? Bolton striker El Hadji Diouf
has been fined GBP100 and ordered to pay GBP50 in costs for not
having a TV licence.
And the MU Glazerdevil Diamondbacks' breakaway club, FC United, could
face some local rivalry after Man City fans proved Bobby Brown's
dictum that "two can play that game". They've announced plans for an
offshoot team of their own, called Fans Football Club City.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Find out if footballers have to do military service in the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1535863,00.html
Play the best internet sports games ever, get hooked and then fired:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Check out the latest games, books and gadgets in the Gear:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/0,12490,803746,00.html
And if it's Ashes you want, then it's Ashes you'll get with our
features-packed special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"In the Guardian's report on last night's Liverpool game, Dominic
Fifield describes Peter Crouch as 'a signing of real stature who
provided no little elegance in his ground play'. That's just a posh
way of saying 'he's got a good touch for a big man'"- Saurabh Kakkar
(and others).
"A 35mm film canister would make an excellent specimen jar for Joey
Barton's brain" - Glenn Osborne, Melbourne.
"By tagging Manchester United with nicknames of American teams, I
guess it was only a matter of time before a Boston Red Sox fan chimed
in. When this pathetic breed of supporter voices an opinion it's time
to move on. The Red Sox are more like the MU Glazerballs than any
other American team. Both sets of supporters whined for years before
they finally won another championship" - C.R. Miller (and many
others).
"Am I the only reader who thought yesterday's Brian Moore story was
about the late football commentator until quite a long way and
several clues (Lions, rugby, New Zealand, swearing) into the story?"
- Paul Bowen. [New Zealand and the Lions were both mentioned in the
story before Brian Moore - Fiver Ed].
"I don't know what's upset Paul Meredith (yesterday's Fiver letters)
but please don't stop the 'ignorant and frankly dull references to
Manchester United with pseudo-American names'. Of course it's not big
or clever, but then why would it be? It is the Fiver, after all. They
still make me laugh out loud and annoy the hotdogs and grits out of
every Man Utd supporter I know" - Robert Eden, Dublin.
"Could you please show some imagination and curtail printing the
ignorant and dull missives from the likes of Paul Meredith
(yesterday's letters)? The mere mention of Blackeye Rovers, the MU
Rowdies and Bongo FC always appeals to the inner child. One can only
assume that living in America and supporting Swansea has robbed Paul
of his sense of humour" - Emma, a Loony Toons fan from Leeds.
"Surely it should be the Newcastle 69ers seeing as that was last time
they won anything?" - Matthew Davies.
"Can someone explain to me how come the teams Newcastle are playing in
the Intertoto Cup are 10 times better than the teams that Liverpool
are playing in the Champions League?" - Philly Mac, Maryland. [They
just look better because they're playing against Newcastle - Fiver
Ed].
"I have presumed for weeks that Bernard Cribbins was actually the name
of the manager of Bongo FC" - Colin Bolton, Sydney.
"A bongo is a large, forest-dwelling antelope (boocercus eurycerus) of
central Africa, having a reddish-brown coat with white stripes and
spirally twisted horns. It is disappointing that Henry Cooke
(yesterday's Fiver letters) would not want to discuss this with a
child. If we can't communicate openly with young people then how can
we stop the divisions and fear and live together in harmony?" -
Andrew Hulbert.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the
day will win a classy T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com.
Today's winner: Saurabh Kakkar (but not the others).
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Fifa Futbol Mundial (12am)
"A friend of mine was holidaying in the US a few years ago and
spotted Sir Bobby Robson," writes Colin Blayney, introducing another
of your great autograph swindles.
BBC Two: The Strange Case of Sherlock Holmes and Arthur Conan Doyle
(9pm)
"Never one to miss an opportunity, he approached the great man, who,
affable as ever, smiled and agreed to write an autograph.
Five: Big Cat Predators - Tigers (8pm)
"While Bobby was signing the scrap of paper, my friend commented: 'I
bet you get asked to do loads of these', to which Sir Bob replied:
'Yeah, hundreds'.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"My chum went off happy, until he looked at the autograph and saw
that it had been signed: 'Best wishes, Bobby Hundreds'."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Has your autograph hunt gone wrong with tragic or hilarious
consequences? Reveal all to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking your
missives I Hope You're Not Left-handed Because I Only Have a
Right-handed Pen.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WHO'D WIN A FIGHT BETWEEN THE THING AND VIC MACKEY?
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.