Post by Salem6 on Jul 23, 2005 8:45:21 GMT
The Fiver
22 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: With Apologies To Pete And Dud
* * * * * * * * * * * *
HARRY AND CLIVE GET THE HORN
CLIVE: "What was the worst job you ever had?"
HARRY: "The worst job I ever 'ad? Yeah ... (sniffs and clears throat)"
CLIVE: "Was that it? Coughing?"
HARRY: "Well, I had to collect it up. It was a very difficult job. I
had to collect it up at the end of every season"
CLIVE: "Season? Winter, autumn ... that kind of thing?"
HARRY: "Nah, football ... every football season, innit?"
CLIVE: "Ah, football. Oval balls, scrum it down, aroocha-cha-cha?"
HARRY: "Nah, proper football. Spit-roasts, round balls, simulation."
CLIVE: "Round f***ing balls?"
HARRY: "Look, if you're going to be my technical director at
Sarf'ampton you're going to have to learn the intricacies of the
beautiful game, you c**t."
CLIVE: "But I won the f***ing World Cup, you f***ing f**k."
HARRY: "So anyway ... all that phlegm that my players gob up in the
dressing room, on the pitch, at the fans who slagged 'em off for
getting relegated ..."
CLIVE: "Oh God, yes, I've been offered that job ...."
HARRY: "You're 'aving a laugh, mate."
CLIVE: "... but I said 'No, Rupert, I'm not going to collect all that
phlegm because Dennis Wise, Matthew Oakley, Brett Ormerod ... they're
first-team players. I am not ready, as a rugby coach, to collect
their phlegm'. I said that's Harry's job. I said I was only fit to
lick the sweat from behind Ben Kay's knee ..."
HARRY: "Well I'll tell you something about collecting phleg ..."
CLIVE: "... I said I'll start by collecting pus from the spots of the
youth team players in a big f***ing bucket. F**king phlegm ... I said
I'd rather be destitute."
HARRY (to camera):"I would think Clive would be a fool to want to take
this job by Christmas when he doesn't know anything about it."
CLIVE: "Martin Johnson's was disgusting. Green with bits in. Flagons
of the f***ing stuff, he had."
HARRY: "Clive's not a silly man. He's not going to leave himself wide
open like that. He's not going to be that silly. He is a confident
man but he's also a clever man. He knows he doesn't know enough about
..."
CLIVE: "Collecting phlegm, eh?"
HARRY:"... so he's not going to get into that position."
CLIVE: "Ohhh-ouhh, would you excuse me for one second. I've a meeting
with Josh Lewsey's agent. We need a good utility back. And some
spin-doctors ... a dozen of the useless c**ts for when the whole
b*****d c**t goes f***ing t*ts up."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I locked myself away in a monastery with Spanish nuns for a week to
start to learn the language. It was the ideal place to concentrate on
the first Spanish words" - Barcelona's new Dutch signing Mark van
Bommel shows his dedication to the cause, putting Becks and co. to
shame.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Olivier Dacourt's Mr 15% is talking up the Roma midfielder's prospects
of joining Arsenal, who are still deluding themselves that they can
lure Julio Baptista from Sevilla.
Having drawn a blank in his attempts to prize Gabriel Milito from Real
Zaragoza, Rafa Benitez will train his defender radar in the direction
of Sevilla and Daniel Alves. While over in Spain, the Big Cup-winning
boss will also try to snare Barcelona's Javier Saviola for a
cut-price fee.
West Ham target Habib Bamogo has revealed he'd rather be a bit-part
player at Marseille than blow first-team bubbles for a whole season
at Upton Park.
Having lost Andy Cole, Fulham are making desperate clutches for
another sullen striker with a permanent scowl on his face: Jimmy
Floyd Hasselbaink take a bow.
Unfazed by Nicola Ventola's less-than-remarkable season in the
Premiership, Crystal Palace will return to the faded-Italian-star
well with a move for former Juventus striker Nicola Amoruso.
While the value of most England strikers skyrockets, Manchester City
will reverse the trend for Darius Vassell and offer Aston Villa just
GBP1.25, sorry, GBP1.25m.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Six months after stubbing a cigar out in a club-mate's face,
Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton has been involved in a fracas
with a 15-year-old Everton fan during the club's trip to Thailand.
Richard Dunne's attempts to intervene resulted in the club captain
having to be separated from Barton, who will now be the subject of a
club inquiry.
Before we get to today's TV & Radio, here's a mention of Graeme
Souness' latest autograph snubbing: Fulham have rejected Newcastle's
bid for Luis Boa Morte's scrawl. The Magpies are now waiting to see
if Fenerbahce do likewise in response to a bid for Nic Anelka.
"Purse snatch shock" is likely to be the headline in tomorrow's Sun
after Cardiff claimed they are set to wrap up a GBP1m deal for the
West Brom defender.
More bad news for Saints: they've lost their 13th player of the
summer. Paul Telfer has jumped ship to rejoin Gordon Strachan at
Celtic.
Roma's Fifa-imposed ban on buying players until next summer has been
upheld by the Court of Arbitration for Sport, after their signing of
Philippe Mexes last year. The player has also been suspended for six
months and ordered to pay former club Auxerre just over GBP4.5m.
And Uefa has received five bids to host Euro 2012: from Greece, Italy,
Turkey, Croatia-Hungary and Poland-Ukraine.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Fill your boots - and your pockets - with Fantasy Chairman! Sign up
NOW for the chance to win GBP10,000!
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win! Win! Win! We've a three-day golf break at the Marriott St Pierre
in Chepstow up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1528462,00.html
Book your spot at the Job Centre, online, with the best internet
sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
See if the Aussies can take the first Test out of England's grasp NOW!
sport.guardian.co.uk/cricket/overbyover/story/0,16077,1533100,00.html
And if it's Ashes you want, then it's Ashes you'll get, with our
features-packed special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Rob Richardson (yesterday's TV & Radio) should count himself lucky to
have had a chat with Ed de Goey, one of the nicest guys to have
played for Chelsea. At least he wasn't seven years old and Irish show
jumper Eddie Macken didn't tell him to eff off" - Tom Finnerty.
"Getting back to Fiver celebrity readers, I'm guessing that
yesterday's autograph story was really from Peter Crouch, using the
pseudonym of Rob Richardson. Anyone who can look over the shoulder of
Ed De Goey is either on the tall side or standing on a box" - Phil
Davies, Hong Kong.
"So the good and (almost) great at Fiver Towers could only 'almost'
come to blows over who would win the T-shirt yesterday. Just what I
would expect from blowhards. Incidentally, who would win if it really
came down to bare knuckles at the Fiver?" - Drew Wagner [We're
lovers, not fighters - Fiver Ed].
"Whilst we were sitting in a restaurant in Budapest on Sunday on a
stag do, who should walk past us but Rob McCaffrey? As if seeing the
greatest sports presenter (with the most evil eyes) alive was not
enough, he was wearing a Kamara Unbelievable T-shirt. Top marks!" -
Jez Plunkett.
"Only a severely disconcerted Englishman (James Elliot, yesterday's
Fiver Letters) would choose to prevent Americans from gloating over
his country's lamentable fall in the farcical football rankings by
accentuating Scotland's even more woeful position. Yes, Burkina Faso
may indeed beat Scotland, but the painful truth is that they'd also
thrash an over-rated England on a good day" - Hilary Chidi.
"Re: Matt Moore's letter in which he says that Fiver letters 'have
gone all Keano (past their best)'. As an MU 69ers fan, I'd like to
ask Matt why he chose to have a go at Roy Keane, who has just had his
best season in years? Of course, if it was Robbie Keane he was
talking about, ignore this letter as he's completely right!" - Clive
Vedmore.
"Bernard Cribbins I get, but Bongo FC? This policy of excluding
everyone who did not start receiving the Fiver before 2000 is very
unGuardian-like. It makes me feel like a deferred success" - John
Janes, Marlow.
"I absolutely support Graeme Souness's reasons for trying for Anelka.
Newcastle need a striker, not a model. From what I saw of Anelka, I
believe that given the right environment, he will be a striker that
is second to none" - Eddie, Singapore. [Newcastle United? The right
environment? Funny - Fiver Ed].
"Re: yesterday's headline, Wanderley's Wagon. Very good indeed, even
if it was lost on the 99% of your readers who didn't grow up in 1970s
Ireland. Future references to Bosco and Sean Ban Breathnach are
surely around the corner" - Conor, Brussels.
"Re: the doctor who gave Robinho '20 out of 10' at his Real Madrid
medical - I sincerely hope he's not the same one who gave Jonathan
Woodgate a flawless bill of health last summer" - Conor McKeating.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. Today's winner: Jez
Plunkett.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
BBC Radio Four: The Friday Play - Collective Fascination (9pm)
"As a young child, I simultaneously had a brush with celebrity and
death in a rubbish attempt to get a rubbish autograph," writes Matt
Goddard, nicely building the suspense to another doomed autograph
request.
Weather (9:59pm)
"It was on a family holiday in Pontins," continues Mark, "and the
whole clan were at the indoor swimming pool, where children were
running and diving while the adults sat by the side and offered words
of encouragement/admonishment as necessary."
The World Tonight (10pm)
"After we'd been there for about half an hour, and I was climbing out
of the pool to prepare for another attempt at displacing enough water
to soak the rest of the family, a mighty hullabaloo came from the
other end.
Book at Bedtime: Minaret (10:45pm)
"Out strode shiny-bonced swimming legend Duncan Goodhew, who
apparently was there to give the kids a talk on the importance of
swimming safely while he handed out a few signed pics of himself.
Sky One: Hot Shots - Part Deux (9pm)
"I dived in and set off to the other side of the pool, thrilled at
the prospect of meeting a sportsman who wasn't Gosport's very own
Roger Black.
Off the Page (way past your bedtime)
"As I tried to turn round and stand up so that I could shout to my
mum what I was doing, I suddenly realised I was in the deep end and,
panicking as only a little child can, proceeded to flail about,
taking in large gulps of water.
Five: Sunset Beach (3.55am)
"After about 30 seconds of this, my parents realised I wasn't waving
to them but was in fact drowning, so my dad jumped in to pull me out.
Talksport: Rhodri Williams, Gary Stevens and Gabrielle Marcotti (7pm)
"As I wailed uncontrollably, one of the lifeguards (who'd left his
post and not noticed the drowning child) came over to my parents and
ordered them to take me outside because I was making a scene and
detracting from Duncan's talk.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Cue my mum starting a genuine scene and the whole family being
ejected from the arena. Still, at least it taught me that swimming is
a rubbish sport."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Can you do better? Send your autograph stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked .. And Make It Legible, You Swine
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
PLEASE STOP PIMPING OUR COMPUTERS
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
22 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: With Apologies To Pete And Dud
* * * * * * * * * * * *
HARRY AND CLIVE GET THE HORN
CLIVE: "What was the worst job you ever had?"
HARRY: "The worst job I ever 'ad? Yeah ... (sniffs and clears throat)"
CLIVE: "Was that it? Coughing?"
HARRY: "Well, I had to collect it up. It was a very difficult job. I
had to collect it up at the end of every season"
CLIVE: "Season? Winter, autumn ... that kind of thing?"
HARRY: "Nah, football ... every football season, innit?"
CLIVE: "Ah, football. Oval balls, scrum it down, aroocha-cha-cha?"
HARRY: "Nah, proper football. Spit-roasts, round balls, simulation."
CLIVE: "Round f***ing balls?"
HARRY: "Look, if you're going to be my technical director at
Sarf'ampton you're going to have to learn the intricacies of the
beautiful game, you c**t."
CLIVE: "But I won the f***ing World Cup, you f***ing f**k."
HARRY: "So anyway ... all that phlegm that my players gob up in the
dressing room, on the pitch, at the fans who slagged 'em off for
getting relegated ..."
CLIVE: "Oh God, yes, I've been offered that job ...."
HARRY: "You're 'aving a laugh, mate."
CLIVE: "... but I said 'No, Rupert, I'm not going to collect all that
phlegm because Dennis Wise, Matthew Oakley, Brett Ormerod ... they're
first-team players. I am not ready, as a rugby coach, to collect
their phlegm'. I said that's Harry's job. I said I was only fit to
lick the sweat from behind Ben Kay's knee ..."
HARRY: "Well I'll tell you something about collecting phleg ..."
CLIVE: "... I said I'll start by collecting pus from the spots of the
youth team players in a big f***ing bucket. F**king phlegm ... I said
I'd rather be destitute."
HARRY (to camera):"I would think Clive would be a fool to want to take
this job by Christmas when he doesn't know anything about it."
CLIVE: "Martin Johnson's was disgusting. Green with bits in. Flagons
of the f***ing stuff, he had."
HARRY: "Clive's not a silly man. He's not going to leave himself wide
open like that. He's not going to be that silly. He is a confident
man but he's also a clever man. He knows he doesn't know enough about
..."
CLIVE: "Collecting phlegm, eh?"
HARRY:"... so he's not going to get into that position."
CLIVE: "Ohhh-ouhh, would you excuse me for one second. I've a meeting
with Josh Lewsey's agent. We need a good utility back. And some
spin-doctors ... a dozen of the useless c**ts for when the whole
b*****d c**t goes f***ing t*ts up."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I locked myself away in a monastery with Spanish nuns for a week to
start to learn the language. It was the ideal place to concentrate on
the first Spanish words" - Barcelona's new Dutch signing Mark van
Bommel shows his dedication to the cause, putting Becks and co. to
shame.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Olivier Dacourt's Mr 15% is talking up the Roma midfielder's prospects
of joining Arsenal, who are still deluding themselves that they can
lure Julio Baptista from Sevilla.
Having drawn a blank in his attempts to prize Gabriel Milito from Real
Zaragoza, Rafa Benitez will train his defender radar in the direction
of Sevilla and Daniel Alves. While over in Spain, the Big Cup-winning
boss will also try to snare Barcelona's Javier Saviola for a
cut-price fee.
West Ham target Habib Bamogo has revealed he'd rather be a bit-part
player at Marseille than blow first-team bubbles for a whole season
at Upton Park.
Having lost Andy Cole, Fulham are making desperate clutches for
another sullen striker with a permanent scowl on his face: Jimmy
Floyd Hasselbaink take a bow.
Unfazed by Nicola Ventola's less-than-remarkable season in the
Premiership, Crystal Palace will return to the faded-Italian-star
well with a move for former Juventus striker Nicola Amoruso.
While the value of most England strikers skyrockets, Manchester City
will reverse the trend for Darius Vassell and offer Aston Villa just
GBP1.25, sorry, GBP1.25m.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Six months after stubbing a cigar out in a club-mate's face,
Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton has been involved in a fracas
with a 15-year-old Everton fan during the club's trip to Thailand.
Richard Dunne's attempts to intervene resulted in the club captain
having to be separated from Barton, who will now be the subject of a
club inquiry.
Before we get to today's TV & Radio, here's a mention of Graeme
Souness' latest autograph snubbing: Fulham have rejected Newcastle's
bid for Luis Boa Morte's scrawl. The Magpies are now waiting to see
if Fenerbahce do likewise in response to a bid for Nic Anelka.
"Purse snatch shock" is likely to be the headline in tomorrow's Sun
after Cardiff claimed they are set to wrap up a GBP1m deal for the
West Brom defender.
More bad news for Saints: they've lost their 13th player of the
summer. Paul Telfer has jumped ship to rejoin Gordon Strachan at
Celtic.
Roma's Fifa-imposed ban on buying players until next summer has been
upheld by the Court of Arbitration for Sport, after their signing of
Philippe Mexes last year. The player has also been suspended for six
months and ordered to pay former club Auxerre just over GBP4.5m.
And Uefa has received five bids to host Euro 2012: from Greece, Italy,
Turkey, Croatia-Hungary and Poland-Ukraine.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Fill your boots - and your pockets - with Fantasy Chairman! Sign up
NOW for the chance to win GBP10,000!
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win! Win! Win! We've a three-day golf break at the Marriott St Pierre
in Chepstow up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1528462,00.html
Book your spot at the Job Centre, online, with the best internet
sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
See if the Aussies can take the first Test out of England's grasp NOW!
sport.guardian.co.uk/cricket/overbyover/story/0,16077,1533100,00.html
And if it's Ashes you want, then it's Ashes you'll get, with our
features-packed special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Rob Richardson (yesterday's TV & Radio) should count himself lucky to
have had a chat with Ed de Goey, one of the nicest guys to have
played for Chelsea. At least he wasn't seven years old and Irish show
jumper Eddie Macken didn't tell him to eff off" - Tom Finnerty.
"Getting back to Fiver celebrity readers, I'm guessing that
yesterday's autograph story was really from Peter Crouch, using the
pseudonym of Rob Richardson. Anyone who can look over the shoulder of
Ed De Goey is either on the tall side or standing on a box" - Phil
Davies, Hong Kong.
"So the good and (almost) great at Fiver Towers could only 'almost'
come to blows over who would win the T-shirt yesterday. Just what I
would expect from blowhards. Incidentally, who would win if it really
came down to bare knuckles at the Fiver?" - Drew Wagner [We're
lovers, not fighters - Fiver Ed].
"Whilst we were sitting in a restaurant in Budapest on Sunday on a
stag do, who should walk past us but Rob McCaffrey? As if seeing the
greatest sports presenter (with the most evil eyes) alive was not
enough, he was wearing a Kamara Unbelievable T-shirt. Top marks!" -
Jez Plunkett.
"Only a severely disconcerted Englishman (James Elliot, yesterday's
Fiver Letters) would choose to prevent Americans from gloating over
his country's lamentable fall in the farcical football rankings by
accentuating Scotland's even more woeful position. Yes, Burkina Faso
may indeed beat Scotland, but the painful truth is that they'd also
thrash an over-rated England on a good day" - Hilary Chidi.
"Re: Matt Moore's letter in which he says that Fiver letters 'have
gone all Keano (past their best)'. As an MU 69ers fan, I'd like to
ask Matt why he chose to have a go at Roy Keane, who has just had his
best season in years? Of course, if it was Robbie Keane he was
talking about, ignore this letter as he's completely right!" - Clive
Vedmore.
"Bernard Cribbins I get, but Bongo FC? This policy of excluding
everyone who did not start receiving the Fiver before 2000 is very
unGuardian-like. It makes me feel like a deferred success" - John
Janes, Marlow.
"I absolutely support Graeme Souness's reasons for trying for Anelka.
Newcastle need a striker, not a model. From what I saw of Anelka, I
believe that given the right environment, he will be a striker that
is second to none" - Eddie, Singapore. [Newcastle United? The right
environment? Funny - Fiver Ed].
"Re: yesterday's headline, Wanderley's Wagon. Very good indeed, even
if it was lost on the 99% of your readers who didn't grow up in 1970s
Ireland. Future references to Bosco and Sean Ban Breathnach are
surely around the corner" - Conor, Brussels.
"Re: the doctor who gave Robinho '20 out of 10' at his Real Madrid
medical - I sincerely hope he's not the same one who gave Jonathan
Woodgate a flawless bill of health last summer" - Conor McKeating.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. Today's winner: Jez
Plunkett.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
BBC Radio Four: The Friday Play - Collective Fascination (9pm)
"As a young child, I simultaneously had a brush with celebrity and
death in a rubbish attempt to get a rubbish autograph," writes Matt
Goddard, nicely building the suspense to another doomed autograph
request.
Weather (9:59pm)
"It was on a family holiday in Pontins," continues Mark, "and the
whole clan were at the indoor swimming pool, where children were
running and diving while the adults sat by the side and offered words
of encouragement/admonishment as necessary."
The World Tonight (10pm)
"After we'd been there for about half an hour, and I was climbing out
of the pool to prepare for another attempt at displacing enough water
to soak the rest of the family, a mighty hullabaloo came from the
other end.
Book at Bedtime: Minaret (10:45pm)
"Out strode shiny-bonced swimming legend Duncan Goodhew, who
apparently was there to give the kids a talk on the importance of
swimming safely while he handed out a few signed pics of himself.
Sky One: Hot Shots - Part Deux (9pm)
"I dived in and set off to the other side of the pool, thrilled at
the prospect of meeting a sportsman who wasn't Gosport's very own
Roger Black.
Off the Page (way past your bedtime)
"As I tried to turn round and stand up so that I could shout to my
mum what I was doing, I suddenly realised I was in the deep end and,
panicking as only a little child can, proceeded to flail about,
taking in large gulps of water.
Five: Sunset Beach (3.55am)
"After about 30 seconds of this, my parents realised I wasn't waving
to them but was in fact drowning, so my dad jumped in to pull me out.
Talksport: Rhodri Williams, Gary Stevens and Gabrielle Marcotti (7pm)
"As I wailed uncontrollably, one of the lifeguards (who'd left his
post and not noticed the drowning child) came over to my parents and
ordered them to take me outside because I was making a scene and
detracting from Duncan's talk.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Cue my mum starting a genuine scene and the whole family being
ejected from the arena. Still, at least it taught me that swimming is
a rubbish sport."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Can you do better? Send your autograph stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked .. And Make It Legible, You Swine
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
PLEASE STOP PIMPING OUR COMPUTERS
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.