Post by Salem6 on Jul 22, 2005 5:02:39 GMT
The Fiver
21 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Cure For Impotence
* * * * * * * * * * * *
JUMPING ON WANDERLEY'S WAGON
Today, some time between affecting cheesy smiles and kissing babies
named David Zinedine Iker Ronaldo Dong, a Real Madrid official took
time out from the club's panhand ... sorry, pre-season tour of Asia,
to accept a phone call from Brazil. What's more, he heard the news
he'd been awaiting for over a year: Santos prodigy Robinho had passed
a medical and will shortly sign for the galacticos.
"I can say that Robinho is in perfect physical state," hurrayed
Brazilian doctor Joaquim Grava, before submitting an impromptu
application for any vacancy there may be in Real's accounts
department by adding: "If I was asked to give him a mark out of 10, I
would give him 20!"
With the possible exception of Ronnie Biggs's villa, 21-year-old
Robinho is the hottest property in Brazil and has been on Real
Madrid's wish-list ever since helping Santos win the Brazilian
championship for the first time in 20 years when aged just 18. And
the admiration is mutual, as the player has repeatedly declared his
desire to join Madrid. And Arsenal. And Chelsea, too, but that's
beside the point. Any sale was dashed first by gangsters who
kidnapped his mother last November, holding her for 40 days before
pocketing a hefty ransom, and then by Santos's refusal to sell for
less than his buy-out clause of GBP28.6m.
The Spanish media, however, now claim the deal could go ahead tomorrow
for a meagre GBP20m, speculating that Robinho will disembark at
Madrid airport over the coming days and immediately tip Spain to win
the next World Cup, open nine supermarkets and promote a miraculous
cure for impotence as he attempts to live up to his billing as the
new "new Pele". A happy ending for all concerned, you say? Tell that
to Michael Owen.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"If he (Yossi Benayoun) didn't want to come to a club like ours, which
is a great club, then he went to West Ham for more money. I think it
was very stupid, a big mistake. Good luck to him" - Anyone else get
the impression Sam Allardyce didn't really mean the last bit?
*********************
RUMOUR MILL
Mere hours ago, Julio Baptista announced he would be staying in Spain.
Now Arsenal expect to sign him with a reduced bid of GBP12.5m after
Sevilla realised it'd be better than the GBP800,000 they'd make from
him next summer.
Mick McCarthy's O'SundIreland are on the verge of nabbing unsettled
Ronaldinho and wantaway Arsenal striker Thierry Henry.
Middlesbrough are planning to hijack Newcastle's bid for Luis Boa
Morte; matching their GBP5m offer and, of course, having just the one
season since their last trophy.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Bayern Munich insist they haven't had a bid from the MU Packers for
Michael Ballack, and hope things stay that way. "We would be really
glad if he would stay here," whimpered Franz Beckenbauer.
Sick and tired of not being able to buy any new players, David Moyes
has re-signed Alessandro Pistone, who he turfed out of Goodison a
month ago.
Unable to finish 10th, THFC have reached the final of the Peace Cup
after being held to a 1-1 draw by Real Sociedad. Which means almost
nothing to almost everybody, but is nonetheless football news.
Massimo Maccarone will have to get comfortable on the Boro bench next
season - they won't pay his wages for a loan spell at Siena and the
Italians have refused to stump up the cash themselves.
And Lord Brian Mawhinney wants the FA to come up with regulations to
govern football agents, who bled just shy of GBP8m out of the game
last season.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Win Brian Lara Cricket, a console and a signed box (no, really) from
the great man:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/story/0,15993,1533334,00.html
Follow England's comedy collapse against the skittled Aussies as it
happens:
sport.guardian.co.uk/cricket/overbyover/story/0,16077,1533100,00.html
Then collapse yourself in Stick Cricket, one of many fantastic
internet sports games:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Let's be 'aving you! Hic! Sign up NOW for Fantasy Chairman and win
GBP10,000! guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win! Win! Win! We've a three-day golf break at the Marriott St Pierre
in Chepstow up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1528462,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Regarding Paul Smith's Hoddle autograph snub anecdote (yesterday's TV
and Radio). I wish the God-bothering loon had been as reluctant to
sign things when he was managing THFC. We could have avoided several
million quid's worth of unnecessary expense if he'd needed a shower
when the likes of Bunjevcevic and Richards popped up on his radar" -
Jonathan Agnes.
"Re: uses for 35mm film canisters. Rafa Benitez could glue together
one million of them and then climb up the 'canister beanstalk' to
talk to Peter Crouch face to face" - Stephen Sikkink. "I was dismayed
to discover upon reading yesterday's Fiver that you wrote four
paragraphs about Mr Crouch (well all right then, three about Crouch
and one about Gulliver) and didn't mention once that he has a good
touch for a big man. Please try harder next time" - Clive Nickolay,
Texas.
"I would like to point out to all of the American-bashing Guardian
readers that the good old US of A is currently ranked above England
and France, according to the latest Fifa rankings! Not bad for a
'non-footie' nation!" - Stuart Beltson, USA.
"For all those Yanks who are bound to write in gloating that they are
above England in the latest Fifa rankings, bear in mind that these
ratings are notoriously inaccurate and should be taken with a pinch
of salt. I mean, anyone who thinks Scotland deserve to be at 85th is
clearly doing an injustice to, amongst others, Burkina Faso (90) and
Gabon (98), who I'm sure would give the Tartan Army a right good
thrashing given the chance" - James Elliott.
"Big Sam (Allardyce) must have skived geography lessons when he was
Lil' Sam, you mock (yesterday's Fiver), then a moment later you refer
to Argentinian Ruben Dario Larossa as someone to bring 'Brazilian
flair' to Walsall. You didn't like those lessons either, did you?" -
Caio Maia, Sao Paulo. [We're saying that was a gag - Fiver Ed].
"Re: living in holiday destinations (Fiver letters passim). Dear Ricky
Morton, Alan Brand and Brian Buckley. Bast**ds!" - Allan Smith,
Coventry.
"Further to Laurence Mackin's assertion that The Fiver's letters have
gone all Keano (past their best), I would have to strongly disagree.
Not because the letters are great, but because I'm bemused as to when
these halcyon days he refers to were. I missed a Tuesday in May. Was
it then?" - Matt Moore, Camden-on-Sea.
"Laurence Mackin lamented in yesterday's Fiver that the Letters
section was merely 'shameless goal-hanging for T-shirts and
vested-interest Fantasy Fiver letters'. His T-shirt-winning letter
and this reply has landed him four points and a new top. Is he still
whinging?" - Adrian Johnson.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. Today's winner: Jonathan
Agnes. [Team Fiver almost came to blows over this one - Fiver Ed].
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Five: Liverpool v Bayer Leverkusen replay (12.45am)
"I was waiting outside Highfield Road, Coventry, in 1999 after the
Sky Blues had beaten Chelsea on the opening day of the season,"
explains Rob Richardson, kicking off another day of your autograph
stories.
Confederation Cup semi-finals - replay (2am)
"My plan was simple: get the signatures of some of Chelsea's fabulous
foreign legion - including Didier Deschamps, Frank Leboeuf, Gianluca
Vialli and Roberto Di Matteo etc.
US Major League Soccer (5am)
"Unfortunately the first out the door was Ed de Goey. Out of
politeness I said: 'Unlucky today' as he signed my programme...
Sky Sports 1: J League Weekly (7.30pm)
"... only for him to start talking to me about Chelsea's performance
and how he hoped they would fare better for the rest of the season
etc, etc.
British Eurosport: THFC v Real Sociedad - replay (6pm)
"I did my best to move him on, but to no avail.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Meanwhile, as I looked over his shoulder all the players I was
hoping to get were walking past and onto the bus. Gah!"
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Can you do better? Send your autograph stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked Yours For GBP50 On Ebay.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THEY'VE RILED THE AUSSIE BEAST, THE GALAHS
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
21 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Cure For Impotence
* * * * * * * * * * * *
JUMPING ON WANDERLEY'S WAGON
Today, some time between affecting cheesy smiles and kissing babies
named David Zinedine Iker Ronaldo Dong, a Real Madrid official took
time out from the club's panhand ... sorry, pre-season tour of Asia,
to accept a phone call from Brazil. What's more, he heard the news
he'd been awaiting for over a year: Santos prodigy Robinho had passed
a medical and will shortly sign for the galacticos.
"I can say that Robinho is in perfect physical state," hurrayed
Brazilian doctor Joaquim Grava, before submitting an impromptu
application for any vacancy there may be in Real's accounts
department by adding: "If I was asked to give him a mark out of 10, I
would give him 20!"
With the possible exception of Ronnie Biggs's villa, 21-year-old
Robinho is the hottest property in Brazil and has been on Real
Madrid's wish-list ever since helping Santos win the Brazilian
championship for the first time in 20 years when aged just 18. And
the admiration is mutual, as the player has repeatedly declared his
desire to join Madrid. And Arsenal. And Chelsea, too, but that's
beside the point. Any sale was dashed first by gangsters who
kidnapped his mother last November, holding her for 40 days before
pocketing a hefty ransom, and then by Santos's refusal to sell for
less than his buy-out clause of GBP28.6m.
The Spanish media, however, now claim the deal could go ahead tomorrow
for a meagre GBP20m, speculating that Robinho will disembark at
Madrid airport over the coming days and immediately tip Spain to win
the next World Cup, open nine supermarkets and promote a miraculous
cure for impotence as he attempts to live up to his billing as the
new "new Pele". A happy ending for all concerned, you say? Tell that
to Michael Owen.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"If he (Yossi Benayoun) didn't want to come to a club like ours, which
is a great club, then he went to West Ham for more money. I think it
was very stupid, a big mistake. Good luck to him" - Anyone else get
the impression Sam Allardyce didn't really mean the last bit?
*********************
RUMOUR MILL
Mere hours ago, Julio Baptista announced he would be staying in Spain.
Now Arsenal expect to sign him with a reduced bid of GBP12.5m after
Sevilla realised it'd be better than the GBP800,000 they'd make from
him next summer.
Mick McCarthy's O'SundIreland are on the verge of nabbing unsettled
Ronaldinho and wantaway Arsenal striker Thierry Henry.
Middlesbrough are planning to hijack Newcastle's bid for Luis Boa
Morte; matching their GBP5m offer and, of course, having just the one
season since their last trophy.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Bayern Munich insist they haven't had a bid from the MU Packers for
Michael Ballack, and hope things stay that way. "We would be really
glad if he would stay here," whimpered Franz Beckenbauer.
Sick and tired of not being able to buy any new players, David Moyes
has re-signed Alessandro Pistone, who he turfed out of Goodison a
month ago.
Unable to finish 10th, THFC have reached the final of the Peace Cup
after being held to a 1-1 draw by Real Sociedad. Which means almost
nothing to almost everybody, but is nonetheless football news.
Massimo Maccarone will have to get comfortable on the Boro bench next
season - they won't pay his wages for a loan spell at Siena and the
Italians have refused to stump up the cash themselves.
And Lord Brian Mawhinney wants the FA to come up with regulations to
govern football agents, who bled just shy of GBP8m out of the game
last season.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Win Brian Lara Cricket, a console and a signed box (no, really) from
the great man:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/story/0,15993,1533334,00.html
Follow England's comedy collapse against the skittled Aussies as it
happens:
sport.guardian.co.uk/cricket/overbyover/story/0,16077,1533100,00.html
Then collapse yourself in Stick Cricket, one of many fantastic
internet sports games:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Let's be 'aving you! Hic! Sign up NOW for Fantasy Chairman and win
GBP10,000! guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win! Win! Win! We've a three-day golf break at the Marriott St Pierre
in Chepstow up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1528462,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Regarding Paul Smith's Hoddle autograph snub anecdote (yesterday's TV
and Radio). I wish the God-bothering loon had been as reluctant to
sign things when he was managing THFC. We could have avoided several
million quid's worth of unnecessary expense if he'd needed a shower
when the likes of Bunjevcevic and Richards popped up on his radar" -
Jonathan Agnes.
"Re: uses for 35mm film canisters. Rafa Benitez could glue together
one million of them and then climb up the 'canister beanstalk' to
talk to Peter Crouch face to face" - Stephen Sikkink. "I was dismayed
to discover upon reading yesterday's Fiver that you wrote four
paragraphs about Mr Crouch (well all right then, three about Crouch
and one about Gulliver) and didn't mention once that he has a good
touch for a big man. Please try harder next time" - Clive Nickolay,
Texas.
"I would like to point out to all of the American-bashing Guardian
readers that the good old US of A is currently ranked above England
and France, according to the latest Fifa rankings! Not bad for a
'non-footie' nation!" - Stuart Beltson, USA.
"For all those Yanks who are bound to write in gloating that they are
above England in the latest Fifa rankings, bear in mind that these
ratings are notoriously inaccurate and should be taken with a pinch
of salt. I mean, anyone who thinks Scotland deserve to be at 85th is
clearly doing an injustice to, amongst others, Burkina Faso (90) and
Gabon (98), who I'm sure would give the Tartan Army a right good
thrashing given the chance" - James Elliott.
"Big Sam (Allardyce) must have skived geography lessons when he was
Lil' Sam, you mock (yesterday's Fiver), then a moment later you refer
to Argentinian Ruben Dario Larossa as someone to bring 'Brazilian
flair' to Walsall. You didn't like those lessons either, did you?" -
Caio Maia, Sao Paulo. [We're saying that was a gag - Fiver Ed].
"Re: living in holiday destinations (Fiver letters passim). Dear Ricky
Morton, Alan Brand and Brian Buckley. Bast**ds!" - Allan Smith,
Coventry.
"Further to Laurence Mackin's assertion that The Fiver's letters have
gone all Keano (past their best), I would have to strongly disagree.
Not because the letters are great, but because I'm bemused as to when
these halcyon days he refers to were. I missed a Tuesday in May. Was
it then?" - Matt Moore, Camden-on-Sea.
"Laurence Mackin lamented in yesterday's Fiver that the Letters
section was merely 'shameless goal-hanging for T-shirts and
vested-interest Fantasy Fiver letters'. His T-shirt-winning letter
and this reply has landed him four points and a new top. Is he still
whinging?" - Adrian Johnson.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. Today's winner: Jonathan
Agnes. [Team Fiver almost came to blows over this one - Fiver Ed].
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Five: Liverpool v Bayer Leverkusen replay (12.45am)
"I was waiting outside Highfield Road, Coventry, in 1999 after the
Sky Blues had beaten Chelsea on the opening day of the season,"
explains Rob Richardson, kicking off another day of your autograph
stories.
Confederation Cup semi-finals - replay (2am)
"My plan was simple: get the signatures of some of Chelsea's fabulous
foreign legion - including Didier Deschamps, Frank Leboeuf, Gianluca
Vialli and Roberto Di Matteo etc.
US Major League Soccer (5am)
"Unfortunately the first out the door was Ed de Goey. Out of
politeness I said: 'Unlucky today' as he signed my programme...
Sky Sports 1: J League Weekly (7.30pm)
"... only for him to start talking to me about Chelsea's performance
and how he hoped they would fare better for the rest of the season
etc, etc.
British Eurosport: THFC v Real Sociedad - replay (6pm)
"I did my best to move him on, but to no avail.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Meanwhile, as I looked over his shoulder all the players I was
hoping to get were walking past and onto the bus. Gah!"
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Can you do better? Send your autograph stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked Yours For GBP50 On Ebay.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THEY'VE RILED THE AUSSIE BEAST, THE GALAHS
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.