Post by Salem6 on Jul 20, 2005 16:46:04 GMT
The Fiver
20 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: With Apologies To Jonathan Swift
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CROUCH'S TRAVELS
"I perceived it to be a human creature not six inches high, with a
stethoscope in his hands. I felt at least 40 more of the same kind
(as I conjectured) following the first. I was in the utmost
astonishment, and roared so loud, that they all ran back in a fright;
and some were hurt with the falls they got by leaping from my sides.
However, they soon returned; and one cryed out in a shrill, but
distinct voice: 'Calm down! Calm down!' The others repeated the same
words several times, but I then knew not what they meant. I lay all
this while, as the reader may believe, in great uneasiness."
Originally perceived to have been a biting work of political and
social satire, it emerged today that Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's
Travels was in fact an eerily accurate foretelling of Peter Crouch's
medical at Anfield, written almost three centuries before it
happened. For, having escaped the wreckage of the recently-floundered
Southampton on the south coast, the 9ft 11in striker today passed
muster with the Liverputian physicians before signing a GBP7m deal
that will keep him at Liverput for the next four years.
Of course, like the Swiftian satire it's often compared to, the
Fiver's principal design is to "inform and not to amuse", so it would
be remiss of us not to tell you what Crouch himself had to say: "I am
thrilled to be joining a club as prestigious and successful as
Liverput," he boomed, as thousands of shrill moustachioed midgets
gathered to chant in tongues around his ankles. "Once I heard of
their interest it was hard not to think about pulling on the famous
red shirt and playing in front of the Kop."
And with the obligatory waffle about how "under almost any other
circumstances I would have committed myself to helping Southampton
regain their Premiership status" out of the way, Crouch handed over
to his new boss, who dismissed speculation that his towering totem
might be out of his depth: "I know Crouch is very good in the air, he
can keep the ball and always knows what to do with it," trumpeted
Rafael Benitez, as Milan Baros (not good in the air, can't keep the
ball and never knows what to do with it) slunk off to see if there's
any truth to the rumour that West Ham will make a GBP6m bid for him.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"United is not Chelsea-Abramovich. They don't need one man. United is
stronger than anybody in the world. I don't care about him. I don't
need him. I don't need nobody!" - Eric Cantona: enigmatic
philosophical genius, or merely a few centimes short of a franc?
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Send us your pictures of Shane Warne and win GBP100 worth of free
bets: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1522426,00.html
The only place you'll ever get Henry for GBP20m - it's Fantasy
Chairman! Sign up NOW for the chance to win GBP10,000!
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Win! Win! Win! We've a three-day golf break at the Marriott St Pierre
in Chepstow up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1528462,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Genoa striker Diego Milito's inbox will be bulging with teasing Dvd O
Lry texts, as the Aston Villa boss tries to secure a GBP4m deal.
Problematic insurance paperwork has scuppered Andre Bergdalmo's chance
of earning a Bongo FC contract, forcing manager Bernard Cribbins to
double his efforts to sign Olivier Bernard.
Fashion-conscious Real Madrid evictee Guti wants to join Arsenal
because "he likes their style", according to his agent.
Big Sam must have skived geography lessons when he was Lil' Sam, after
claiming Bolton's bid for Mexico-based [that's Mexico-based] striker
Jared Borgetti has hit a stumbling block: "We have found with the
South American regime that it is very difficult to strike a deal."
Ronaldo could be sinking his trademark teeth into some new pursuits,
after claiming he will retire from the game in four years, when his
Real Madrid contract ends.
And Paul Sturrock still has GBP600,000 burning a hole in his pocket
after both Tranmere's Ian Hume and Rangers defender Maurice Ross
rebuffed moves to Sheffield Wednesday.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Despite getting beaten 2-1 by a Kieran Richardson-led England in their
own backyard earlier this summer, the USA have leapfrogged both
Sven's men and France to go sixth in the Fifa rankings.
Guus Hiddink will work his coaching magic on the Australian national
side, provided they qualify for next summer's Fifa Toshiba Hyundai
Coca-Cola Mastercard Budweiser World Cup.
One of the worst penalty efforts in history from Joseph Yobo condemned
Everton to a shoot-out defeat against the Thailand U23 side in the FA
Premier League Asia Trophy.
Chelsea have reached an out-of-court settlement with former midfielder
Enrique de Lucas, who has been seeking more than GBP2.5m in damages
from the club after they terminated his contract.
And Brazilian flair will return to the Bescot next season after
Walsall agreed a one-year free transfer deal for striker Ruben Dario
Larossa.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE ASHES
Don't miss our live over-by-over commentary from the Fiver team, from
10am tomorrow: sport.guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Do Arsenal really get preferential treatment from the FA? Find out in
the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1530995,00.html
Book your spot at the Job Centre, online, with the best sports
internet games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Get ready for the Ashes with our features-packed special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Richard Williams on what the Ashes
mean to England and Australia and Duncan Mackay on the injury
struggles of Kelly Holmes.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: the Homeless World Cup (yesterday's Fiver letters). I read with
interest that five African sides have been refused entry to the UK
because they have insufficient funds to support themselves during the
tournament. A competition pre-requisite, surely?" - Jeff Thompson.
"Where does the manager of the England homeless football squad send
the letters to tell people they have been picked?" - Tony McKenna.
"In rugby league the captain of a team is allowed to remonstrate with
the referee throughout the game regarding the decisions made. Can we
assume from Lord Ferg's decision to give Wayne Rooney the armband at
Peterborough yesterday that this rule has been adopted by the FA?" -
Lee Gallagher.
"Re: Bobby Shafto [yesterday's Fiver letters]. If he does indeed have
a prosthetic leg and has gone to sea, is it fair to assume he might
be a pirate?" - Stuart Robson.
"The Bobby Shafto nursery rhyme is nothing more than an excellent
early educational exercise that will put any child in good stead for
the future. Robert Shafto was an MP for County Durham from 1760-68
and was one of many Shaftos who became Members of Parliament,
including his father, his uncle and his son" - Duncan Thompson.
"Watching the Twenty20 cricket at The Oval on Monday, I had the
pleasure of seeing the ultimate sporting cliche: a kid running around
cheering Surrey in a MU Seahawks shirt" - William Cook.
"Ricky Morton (yesterday's Fiver Letters) has some nerve, mocking Alan
Brand's mocking of Brian Buckley's three-month holiday in Mexico.
Ricky lives in Florida, which is also a holiday destin ... oh, I get
it" - Alex Patten, California. [You'd be amazed by how many didn't -
Fiver Ed.]
"Fiver letters used to be about the penmanship, the wit, the cut and
thrust of riposte and banter. Now, with all this shameless
goal-hanging for T-shirts and vested-interest Fantasy Fiver letters
it's become as distant from its glorious past as the MU Soccerballs.
Sort it out!" - Laurence Mackin.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. Today's winner: Laurence
Mackin.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Confederations Cup Football - Greece v Mexico (4.45am)
"I was about 10 years old and among a group of boys taken to
Tottenham's training ground for the day," begins Paul Smith of his
autograph misery.
Sky Sports 1: Football - Thailand v Everton & Manchester City v Bolton
Wanderers (7pm)
"We were all drawn towards Ossie Ardiles and Glenn Hoddle, who had a
pitch to themselves and were practising hitting 90-yard passes to
each other.
Fifa Futbol Mundial (10pm)
"As they came off to applause, Ossie spent the time writing an
autograph for every boy and making friendly small talk with a big
smile."
British Eurosport: Live Football - Greece U19 v Germany U19 (5pm)
And Glenn merrily did the same, right? Right?
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"The soon to be God-botherer, however, penned about three (with ill
grace) before announcing, 'I'm off for a f***ing shower'."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Most Christian. Send your autograph snubbings to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked I Know You Probably Get This All The
Time...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WILL YOU STUMBLE, FALL, TONIGHT/ ARE YOU WATCHING WRAPPED UP COSY AND
TIGHT
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
20 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: With Apologies To Jonathan Swift
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CROUCH'S TRAVELS
"I perceived it to be a human creature not six inches high, with a
stethoscope in his hands. I felt at least 40 more of the same kind
(as I conjectured) following the first. I was in the utmost
astonishment, and roared so loud, that they all ran back in a fright;
and some were hurt with the falls they got by leaping from my sides.
However, they soon returned; and one cryed out in a shrill, but
distinct voice: 'Calm down! Calm down!' The others repeated the same
words several times, but I then knew not what they meant. I lay all
this while, as the reader may believe, in great uneasiness."
Originally perceived to have been a biting work of political and
social satire, it emerged today that Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's
Travels was in fact an eerily accurate foretelling of Peter Crouch's
medical at Anfield, written almost three centuries before it
happened. For, having escaped the wreckage of the recently-floundered
Southampton on the south coast, the 9ft 11in striker today passed
muster with the Liverputian physicians before signing a GBP7m deal
that will keep him at Liverput for the next four years.
Of course, like the Swiftian satire it's often compared to, the
Fiver's principal design is to "inform and not to amuse", so it would
be remiss of us not to tell you what Crouch himself had to say: "I am
thrilled to be joining a club as prestigious and successful as
Liverput," he boomed, as thousands of shrill moustachioed midgets
gathered to chant in tongues around his ankles. "Once I heard of
their interest it was hard not to think about pulling on the famous
red shirt and playing in front of the Kop."
And with the obligatory waffle about how "under almost any other
circumstances I would have committed myself to helping Southampton
regain their Premiership status" out of the way, Crouch handed over
to his new boss, who dismissed speculation that his towering totem
might be out of his depth: "I know Crouch is very good in the air, he
can keep the ball and always knows what to do with it," trumpeted
Rafael Benitez, as Milan Baros (not good in the air, can't keep the
ball and never knows what to do with it) slunk off to see if there's
any truth to the rumour that West Ham will make a GBP6m bid for him.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"United is not Chelsea-Abramovich. They don't need one man. United is
stronger than anybody in the world. I don't care about him. I don't
need him. I don't need nobody!" - Eric Cantona: enigmatic
philosophical genius, or merely a few centimes short of a franc?
*********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Send us your pictures of Shane Warne and win GBP100 worth of free
bets: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1522426,00.html
The only place you'll ever get Henry for GBP20m - it's Fantasy
Chairman! Sign up NOW for the chance to win GBP10,000!
guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Win! Win! Win! We've a three-day golf break at the Marriott St Pierre
in Chepstow up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1528462,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Genoa striker Diego Milito's inbox will be bulging with teasing Dvd O
Lry texts, as the Aston Villa boss tries to secure a GBP4m deal.
Problematic insurance paperwork has scuppered Andre Bergdalmo's chance
of earning a Bongo FC contract, forcing manager Bernard Cribbins to
double his efforts to sign Olivier Bernard.
Fashion-conscious Real Madrid evictee Guti wants to join Arsenal
because "he likes their style", according to his agent.
Big Sam must have skived geography lessons when he was Lil' Sam, after
claiming Bolton's bid for Mexico-based [that's Mexico-based] striker
Jared Borgetti has hit a stumbling block: "We have found with the
South American regime that it is very difficult to strike a deal."
Ronaldo could be sinking his trademark teeth into some new pursuits,
after claiming he will retire from the game in four years, when his
Real Madrid contract ends.
And Paul Sturrock still has GBP600,000 burning a hole in his pocket
after both Tranmere's Ian Hume and Rangers defender Maurice Ross
rebuffed moves to Sheffield Wednesday.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Despite getting beaten 2-1 by a Kieran Richardson-led England in their
own backyard earlier this summer, the USA have leapfrogged both
Sven's men and France to go sixth in the Fifa rankings.
Guus Hiddink will work his coaching magic on the Australian national
side, provided they qualify for next summer's Fifa Toshiba Hyundai
Coca-Cola Mastercard Budweiser World Cup.
One of the worst penalty efforts in history from Joseph Yobo condemned
Everton to a shoot-out defeat against the Thailand U23 side in the FA
Premier League Asia Trophy.
Chelsea have reached an out-of-court settlement with former midfielder
Enrique de Lucas, who has been seeking more than GBP2.5m in damages
from the club after they terminated his contract.
And Brazilian flair will return to the Bescot next season after
Walsall agreed a one-year free transfer deal for striker Ruben Dario
Larossa.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE ASHES
Don't miss our live over-by-over commentary from the Fiver team, from
10am tomorrow: sport.guardian.co.uk
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Do Arsenal really get preferential treatment from the FA? Find out in
the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1530995,00.html
Book your spot at the Job Centre, online, with the best sports
internet games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Get ready for the Ashes with our features-packed special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Richard Williams on what the Ashes
mean to England and Australia and Duncan Mackay on the injury
struggles of Kelly Holmes.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: the Homeless World Cup (yesterday's Fiver letters). I read with
interest that five African sides have been refused entry to the UK
because they have insufficient funds to support themselves during the
tournament. A competition pre-requisite, surely?" - Jeff Thompson.
"Where does the manager of the England homeless football squad send
the letters to tell people they have been picked?" - Tony McKenna.
"In rugby league the captain of a team is allowed to remonstrate with
the referee throughout the game regarding the decisions made. Can we
assume from Lord Ferg's decision to give Wayne Rooney the armband at
Peterborough yesterday that this rule has been adopted by the FA?" -
Lee Gallagher.
"Re: Bobby Shafto [yesterday's Fiver letters]. If he does indeed have
a prosthetic leg and has gone to sea, is it fair to assume he might
be a pirate?" - Stuart Robson.
"The Bobby Shafto nursery rhyme is nothing more than an excellent
early educational exercise that will put any child in good stead for
the future. Robert Shafto was an MP for County Durham from 1760-68
and was one of many Shaftos who became Members of Parliament,
including his father, his uncle and his son" - Duncan Thompson.
"Watching the Twenty20 cricket at The Oval on Monday, I had the
pleasure of seeing the ultimate sporting cliche: a kid running around
cheering Surrey in a MU Seahawks shirt" - William Cook.
"Ricky Morton (yesterday's Fiver Letters) has some nerve, mocking Alan
Brand's mocking of Brian Buckley's three-month holiday in Mexico.
Ricky lives in Florida, which is also a holiday destin ... oh, I get
it" - Alex Patten, California. [You'd be amazed by how many didn't -
Fiver Ed.]
"Fiver letters used to be about the penmanship, the wit, the cut and
thrust of riposte and banter. Now, with all this shameless
goal-hanging for T-shirts and vested-interest Fantasy Fiver letters
it's become as distant from its glorious past as the MU Soccerballs.
Sort it out!" - Laurence Mackin.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com. Today's winner: Laurence
Mackin.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Confederations Cup Football - Greece v Mexico (4.45am)
"I was about 10 years old and among a group of boys taken to
Tottenham's training ground for the day," begins Paul Smith of his
autograph misery.
Sky Sports 1: Football - Thailand v Everton & Manchester City v Bolton
Wanderers (7pm)
"We were all drawn towards Ossie Ardiles and Glenn Hoddle, who had a
pitch to themselves and were practising hitting 90-yard passes to
each other.
Fifa Futbol Mundial (10pm)
"As they came off to applause, Ossie spent the time writing an
autograph for every boy and making friendly small talk with a big
smile."
British Eurosport: Live Football - Greece U19 v Germany U19 (5pm)
And Glenn merrily did the same, right? Right?
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"The soon to be God-botherer, however, penned about three (with ill
grace) before announcing, 'I'm off for a f***ing shower'."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Most Christian. Send your autograph snubbings to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked I Know You Probably Get This All The
Time...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WILL YOU STUMBLE, FALL, TONIGHT/ ARE YOU WATCHING WRAPPED UP COSY AND
TIGHT
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.