Post by Salem6 on Jul 16, 2005 9:50:38 GMT
The Fiver
15 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Comedy Club
* * * * * * * * * * * *
OLD LADIES AND YOUNG MEN
You could be forgiven for assuming that Patrick Vieira and Weird Uncle
Fiver don't have much in common, but you'd also be mistaken. While
we're not suggesting that the former Arsenal skipper smells likes
cabbage and is caught in the vice-like grip of crippling Bongo, Tin
and shouting-abuse-at-random-strangers-on-the-street addictions, this
morning he proved as helpless as our crusty relative when it comes to
resisting flirtatious overtures from a wad-waving Old Lady. How? By
completing a GBP13.7m transfer that will make him a Juventus player
for the next five years, that's how.
And if Vieira was sorry to be leaving Arsenal after nine years, he hid
his grief well: "Juventus is a fantastic achievement in my career. I
am really proud and happy. It's a really big challenge but I am ready
for that," he beamed, before changing tack upon receiving an elbow in
the ribs from his Mr 15%. "When you spend nine years somewhere it is
difficult. When you make a decision, you think about what you want to
achieve. It was difficult but that's life. I can go with my head held
high."
With a Vieira-shaped hole to fill in next season's official Arsenal
team photo, the race is on to see who will take over his role of
driving Roy Keane mad before, during and after future encounters
between the Gunners and the MU Redskins. Names like Modeste M'Bami
(PSG), Samir Nasri (Marseille) and Mahamadou Diarra (Lyon) have been
bandied about, but the Fiver's money is on Jermaine Jenas, not least
because Newcastle United Comedy Club have insisted he is absolutely,
definitely, emphatically, no-nay-never not for sale.
"We are not in the business of selling our best players," explained
Magpies boss Graeme Souness, a man who couldn't offload Laurent
Robert and Craig Bellamy quickly enough recently. "I am not going to
talk about it. We have a big game to try to concentrate on Sunday."
And the monster clash in question? An Intertoto Cup quarter-final
first leg with mighty Slovak outfit Dubnice. Curiously, Souness
appears so keen to prove that Jenas is going nowhere that the young
midfielder will be conspicuous by his absence from the 18-man
Newcastle squad travelling to Eastern Europe.
And what's this the Fiver heard just as it was going to press? Arsenal
have had their latest bid - GBP13.7m, coincidentally enough - for
Brazilian striker Julio Baptista rejected by Sevilla, which means
they've even more cash, not to mention Sol Campbell, apparently, to
offer Freddy Shepherd for the not-for-sale Jenas. What price it's all
tied up next week?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It feels like we have signed the best player available on the
transfer market this summer. Steven's quality and football vision are
very important for this Liverpool team ... he really is so important
to achieving our aims ... the fact that he's staying has also boosted
team morale at the perfect time ahead of that new season" - Xabi
Alonso is only Steven Gerrard's partner in the professional sense, we
think.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Celta Vigo are set to make Rafa Benitez's summer by offering to take
Antonio Nunez back to Spain. And Sporting Lisbon will relieve him of
Jerzy Dudek, while both Panathinaikos and Spartak Moscow are vying
for the services of livewire midfielder Igor Biscan.
Meanwhile, Luis Figo hasn't given up on his dream of retiring to
Anfield, and Michael Owen is secretly hankering after a return to the
club that won Big Cup as soon as he left.
Having seen Mohamed Sissoko spurn their advances to join Liverpool,
Everton have taken to serenading Internazionale's Francesco Coco.
Portsmouth boss Alain Perrin will return Diomansy Kamara to Modena,
thereby saving Pompey the GBP1.5m they agreed to pay the Italian club
if the 24-year-old stayed a second season at Fratton Park.
Kamara's near namesake and fellow erratic Senegalese striker Henri
Camara has assured Wolves he will honour his contract with them if
they are unable to sell him. Which is jolly nice of him considering
it's a legal obligation.
Charlton, Aston Villa and West Ham are all squabbling over who saw
Phil Jagielka first, though all Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock's
wants to know is who'll pay GBP4m first.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Torino and Messina have been booted out of Serie A because of the
shoddy state of their finances. Both clubs have vowed to take the
matter to the law courts.
Everton have completed the GBP2m signing of Mikel Arteta from Real
Sociedad. The 22-year-old has been given a five-year contract.
Bolton have cast doubt on the claim by Jesus Martinez Patino,
president of Mexican club Pachucha, that the Trotters have agreed to
buy 31-year-old striker Jared Borgetti for GBP900,000.
And Charlton have signed Alexei Smertin from Chelsea on year-long loan
deal.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE ASHES
Buy the Guardian on Monday and you'll get a special Ashes magazine. Go
on, it'll be worth it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Send us your pictures of Shane Warne and win GBP100 worth of free
bets: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1522426,00.html
Enjoy our live coverage of the Open - we're on over the weekend too:
sport.guardian.co.uk/open2005
And in tomorrow's GBP1.20 Guardian, lots on the Open and the Ashes.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: scrapping the offside rule [yesterday's Fiver letters]. They
tried it at a Fifa youth tournament a few years back and it didn't
work. There were just two clumps of players goal hanging, and long
balls lumped across the empty midfield. It's a tough rule but it has
to exist, plus it's the only way football fans get to talk to women"
- James Kendal, Australia.
"Adrian Johnson [yesterday's Fiver letters' winner] claims a scene
explaining the offside rule from Bend It Like Beckham as one from his
own pitiful life and wins a T-shirt? Shameful" - John Kendle.
"Would it be possible for people to stop referring to the 'new offside
rule'? There are no rules in football, only laws" - Andrew Lindsay.
"Now that Vieira's slunk off to Juve, can we expect a messy to-ing and
fro-ing about Lyon's Mahamadou Diarra? And if so, can I be the first
to christen the shenanigans a Diarra-ma? Or has the Sun beaten me to
it?" - Thomas Thompson.
"Your Fiver writer-iner was successful in getting Zombie stuck in my
head. That was promptly replaced by Teenage Dirt Bag and, this
morning, Patience by Guns 'n' Roses. These, however, pale in
comparison to a holiday to Mexico during which I had Jenny From The
Block in my head for three months. Three months!" - Brian Buckley.
"Re: Col Spencer's question in yesterday's Fiver. No, I didn't expect
Brad Pitt; just a bloke who wouldn't describe himself as the office
joker and then sob uncontrollably for four hours. It didn't seem too
much to ask. What really rankles, though, was that I didn't join the
Fantasy Fiver League before this discussion began" - Cathy Bryant.
"Re: uses for a 35mm cannister. If you imaginatively screw them to the
bottom of your boots, then they could be used as extra long (and
non-life threatening) studs on particularly soggy pitches" - Stuart
Coggins.
"Cures for RSI [Wednesday's last line] ... a girlfriend?" - Jonathan
Waples.
"In reply to Daniel Kennedy's 'Souness 1-9-1 tactical Masterplan'
letter [Wednesday's Fiver]. Is the macho moustacheless motivator so
confident of 38 0-0s he is willing to forego a keeper, or is even he
above playing Gold Rush Boumsong as a perfunctory sweeper?" - Tom
Kislingbury.
"Your final paragraph says: 'Want to get something off your chest?
Send your letters to blah-de-blah. Surely it would be more
appropriate to say: 'Want to get something *on* your chest? Send your
letters...' - Thomas Murray-Rust. "Why is it that when the winner of
the best letter of the day is revealed, we have to scroll back up the
page to see just which witty missive won the prize? Can't you end the
letters section with: 'and today's winning letter is...'? (hHey, it's
just an idea, and I'm not even after the T-shirt - though a large
size should fit nicely.)" - Phil.
"Surely I can't be the only Fiver viewer who, using the scroll button
on his or her mouse, hides the last paragraph of the letters section.
Then, using my skill and judgement, I try to predict the winner of
the T-shirt. I've got a 100% record so far. Today's prediction...
Jeff Thompson" - Jeff Thompson.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: James
Kendall.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Channel 4: South American Football Championship (5.10am)
"I was into making films at university and, after producing a couple
with fellow students, I decided to join the local Film-making
Society," admits Paul Dyson, kicking off another day of clubs you
wished you'd never joined.
Channel 5: Chavs (10.55pm)
"Turning up to my first meeting with my early masterpieces in a
carrier bag I was slightly surprised to find that, instead of being
packed with young arty types, I was the youngest member by about 30
years.
Scrubs (11.55pm)
"This meeting was to be a showcase of members' films which, as it
turned out, had to be made around the theme of 'hats'.
Eurosport: LG Action Sports (11.15am)
"I began to suspect that 'hats' wasn't to be interpreted symbolically
when the first film consisted of three minutes of the director's
family trying on a variety of titfers.
Radio 5: Sport on Five
"Halfway through the third film, with the sound of my fellow members'
snoring starting to drown out the narration, I grabbed my bag and
snuck out a side door.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"At about that point my prospective career as the next Ken Loach
stalled and I now work in IT". And with a heading-for-the-Priory
addiction to Doritos, no doubt. Meanwhile we want more. Email
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked: I Got The Naturalist and Naturist
Clubs Mixed Up With Hilarious Consequences.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TOO EASY, TIGER
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
15 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Comedy Club
* * * * * * * * * * * *
OLD LADIES AND YOUNG MEN
You could be forgiven for assuming that Patrick Vieira and Weird Uncle
Fiver don't have much in common, but you'd also be mistaken. While
we're not suggesting that the former Arsenal skipper smells likes
cabbage and is caught in the vice-like grip of crippling Bongo, Tin
and shouting-abuse-at-random-strangers-on-the-street addictions, this
morning he proved as helpless as our crusty relative when it comes to
resisting flirtatious overtures from a wad-waving Old Lady. How? By
completing a GBP13.7m transfer that will make him a Juventus player
for the next five years, that's how.
And if Vieira was sorry to be leaving Arsenal after nine years, he hid
his grief well: "Juventus is a fantastic achievement in my career. I
am really proud and happy. It's a really big challenge but I am ready
for that," he beamed, before changing tack upon receiving an elbow in
the ribs from his Mr 15%. "When you spend nine years somewhere it is
difficult. When you make a decision, you think about what you want to
achieve. It was difficult but that's life. I can go with my head held
high."
With a Vieira-shaped hole to fill in next season's official Arsenal
team photo, the race is on to see who will take over his role of
driving Roy Keane mad before, during and after future encounters
between the Gunners and the MU Redskins. Names like Modeste M'Bami
(PSG), Samir Nasri (Marseille) and Mahamadou Diarra (Lyon) have been
bandied about, but the Fiver's money is on Jermaine Jenas, not least
because Newcastle United Comedy Club have insisted he is absolutely,
definitely, emphatically, no-nay-never not for sale.
"We are not in the business of selling our best players," explained
Magpies boss Graeme Souness, a man who couldn't offload Laurent
Robert and Craig Bellamy quickly enough recently. "I am not going to
talk about it. We have a big game to try to concentrate on Sunday."
And the monster clash in question? An Intertoto Cup quarter-final
first leg with mighty Slovak outfit Dubnice. Curiously, Souness
appears so keen to prove that Jenas is going nowhere that the young
midfielder will be conspicuous by his absence from the 18-man
Newcastle squad travelling to Eastern Europe.
And what's this the Fiver heard just as it was going to press? Arsenal
have had their latest bid - GBP13.7m, coincidentally enough - for
Brazilian striker Julio Baptista rejected by Sevilla, which means
they've even more cash, not to mention Sol Campbell, apparently, to
offer Freddy Shepherd for the not-for-sale Jenas. What price it's all
tied up next week?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"It feels like we have signed the best player available on the
transfer market this summer. Steven's quality and football vision are
very important for this Liverpool team ... he really is so important
to achieving our aims ... the fact that he's staying has also boosted
team morale at the perfect time ahead of that new season" - Xabi
Alonso is only Steven Gerrard's partner in the professional sense, we
think.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Celta Vigo are set to make Rafa Benitez's summer by offering to take
Antonio Nunez back to Spain. And Sporting Lisbon will relieve him of
Jerzy Dudek, while both Panathinaikos and Spartak Moscow are vying
for the services of livewire midfielder Igor Biscan.
Meanwhile, Luis Figo hasn't given up on his dream of retiring to
Anfield, and Michael Owen is secretly hankering after a return to the
club that won Big Cup as soon as he left.
Having seen Mohamed Sissoko spurn their advances to join Liverpool,
Everton have taken to serenading Internazionale's Francesco Coco.
Portsmouth boss Alain Perrin will return Diomansy Kamara to Modena,
thereby saving Pompey the GBP1.5m they agreed to pay the Italian club
if the 24-year-old stayed a second season at Fratton Park.
Kamara's near namesake and fellow erratic Senegalese striker Henri
Camara has assured Wolves he will honour his contract with them if
they are unable to sell him. Which is jolly nice of him considering
it's a legal obligation.
Charlton, Aston Villa and West Ham are all squabbling over who saw
Phil Jagielka first, though all Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock's
wants to know is who'll pay GBP4m first.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Torino and Messina have been booted out of Serie A because of the
shoddy state of their finances. Both clubs have vowed to take the
matter to the law courts.
Everton have completed the GBP2m signing of Mikel Arteta from Real
Sociedad. The 22-year-old has been given a five-year contract.
Bolton have cast doubt on the claim by Jesus Martinez Patino,
president of Mexican club Pachucha, that the Trotters have agreed to
buy 31-year-old striker Jared Borgetti for GBP900,000.
And Charlton have signed Alexei Smertin from Chelsea on year-long loan
deal.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE ASHES
Buy the Guardian on Monday and you'll get a special Ashes magazine. Go
on, it'll be worth it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Send us your pictures of Shane Warne and win GBP100 worth of free
bets: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1522426,00.html
Enjoy our live coverage of the Open - we're on over the weekend too:
sport.guardian.co.uk/open2005
And in tomorrow's GBP1.20 Guardian, lots on the Open and the Ashes.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: scrapping the offside rule [yesterday's Fiver letters]. They
tried it at a Fifa youth tournament a few years back and it didn't
work. There were just two clumps of players goal hanging, and long
balls lumped across the empty midfield. It's a tough rule but it has
to exist, plus it's the only way football fans get to talk to women"
- James Kendal, Australia.
"Adrian Johnson [yesterday's Fiver letters' winner] claims a scene
explaining the offside rule from Bend It Like Beckham as one from his
own pitiful life and wins a T-shirt? Shameful" - John Kendle.
"Would it be possible for people to stop referring to the 'new offside
rule'? There are no rules in football, only laws" - Andrew Lindsay.
"Now that Vieira's slunk off to Juve, can we expect a messy to-ing and
fro-ing about Lyon's Mahamadou Diarra? And if so, can I be the first
to christen the shenanigans a Diarra-ma? Or has the Sun beaten me to
it?" - Thomas Thompson.
"Your Fiver writer-iner was successful in getting Zombie stuck in my
head. That was promptly replaced by Teenage Dirt Bag and, this
morning, Patience by Guns 'n' Roses. These, however, pale in
comparison to a holiday to Mexico during which I had Jenny From The
Block in my head for three months. Three months!" - Brian Buckley.
"Re: Col Spencer's question in yesterday's Fiver. No, I didn't expect
Brad Pitt; just a bloke who wouldn't describe himself as the office
joker and then sob uncontrollably for four hours. It didn't seem too
much to ask. What really rankles, though, was that I didn't join the
Fantasy Fiver League before this discussion began" - Cathy Bryant.
"Re: uses for a 35mm cannister. If you imaginatively screw them to the
bottom of your boots, then they could be used as extra long (and
non-life threatening) studs on particularly soggy pitches" - Stuart
Coggins.
"Cures for RSI [Wednesday's last line] ... a girlfriend?" - Jonathan
Waples.
"In reply to Daniel Kennedy's 'Souness 1-9-1 tactical Masterplan'
letter [Wednesday's Fiver]. Is the macho moustacheless motivator so
confident of 38 0-0s he is willing to forego a keeper, or is even he
above playing Gold Rush Boumsong as a perfunctory sweeper?" - Tom
Kislingbury.
"Your final paragraph says: 'Want to get something off your chest?
Send your letters to blah-de-blah. Surely it would be more
appropriate to say: 'Want to get something *on* your chest? Send your
letters...' - Thomas Murray-Rust. "Why is it that when the winner of
the best letter of the day is revealed, we have to scroll back up the
page to see just which witty missive won the prize? Can't you end the
letters section with: 'and today's winning letter is...'? (hHey, it's
just an idea, and I'm not even after the T-shirt - though a large
size should fit nicely.)" - Phil.
"Surely I can't be the only Fiver viewer who, using the scroll button
on his or her mouse, hides the last paragraph of the letters section.
Then, using my skill and judgement, I try to predict the winner of
the T-shirt. I've got a 100% record so far. Today's prediction...
Jeff Thompson" - Jeff Thompson.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: James
Kendall.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Channel 4: South American Football Championship (5.10am)
"I was into making films at university and, after producing a couple
with fellow students, I decided to join the local Film-making
Society," admits Paul Dyson, kicking off another day of clubs you
wished you'd never joined.
Channel 5: Chavs (10.55pm)
"Turning up to my first meeting with my early masterpieces in a
carrier bag I was slightly surprised to find that, instead of being
packed with young arty types, I was the youngest member by about 30
years.
Scrubs (11.55pm)
"This meeting was to be a showcase of members' films which, as it
turned out, had to be made around the theme of 'hats'.
Eurosport: LG Action Sports (11.15am)
"I began to suspect that 'hats' wasn't to be interpreted symbolically
when the first film consisted of three minutes of the director's
family trying on a variety of titfers.
Radio 5: Sport on Five
"Halfway through the third film, with the sound of my fellow members'
snoring starting to drown out the narration, I grabbed my bag and
snuck out a side door.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"At about that point my prospective career as the next Ken Loach
stalled and I now work in IT". And with a heading-for-the-Priory
addiction to Doritos, no doubt. Meanwhile we want more. Email
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked: I Got The Naturalist and Naturist
Clubs Mixed Up With Hilarious Consequences.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TOO EASY, TIGER
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.