Post by Salem6 on Jul 15, 2005 4:58:56 GMT
The Fiver
14 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Lights, Camera, GBP12m Move to Juventus
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SOMEBODY'S NOT STICKING TO THE SCRIPT
Scene: Every summer, somewhere in north London, for as long as anyone
cares to remember.
Big foreign club: [Strides in with a swagger] We want to sign Patrick
Vieira.
Arsenal: Eh, no, thanks all the same.
Patrick Vieira: I love Arsenal. [Eye a-twinkling] I never want to
leave.
Big foreign club: [Waves grotesque amount of money around] We want to
sign Patrick Vieira.
Arsenal: [Eyes lingering on the cash] No. We are not in the business
of selling our best players.
Patrick Vieira: Come on now, let's not be too hasty. [Exit stage
right]
Big foreign club: [Hops, skips and jumps into a press conference] We
are going to sign Patrick Vieira. A deal is imminent.
Arsenal:
[Light coughing]
Arsenal:
[Tumbleweed enters stage left, blows across stage, exits stage right]
Patrick Vieira: Ahem, Arsenal, this is where you're supposed to shout
a lusty Hollywood 'no', lock me in a room and offer me the riches of
Cibola and a brand new Seat Ibiza.
Arsenal:
Patrick Vieira: Remember? You do that, I go and have a think about
it, decide I still want to move, and then change my mind at the 11th
hour when it turns out I can't squeeze as much out of them as I can
out of you. It's the whole climax of the show. Think of the fans!
Arsenal:
Big foreign club suit, quite possibly Juventus general director
Luciano Moggi: We are on the verge of signing him. [Counting out
GBP12m in crisp new notes] The deal should be completed this
afternoon.
Arsenal:
Patrick Vieira: Wha-? But? Eh?
Arsenal: [To themselves] Hmm, Lyon's Mahamadou Diarra might be worth
a look, even though he's just sign a new contract. A snip at GBP10m,
too.
Patrick Vieira: [As gleeful Juventus suits shepherd him towards door]
This isn't how it's supposed to be! [Ponders a trademark
drop-to-the-floor-like-a-wounded-gazelle for effect] GBP82,000-a-week
for the next five years, you say? I'll get my coat.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We were in a western country where English is the language, the food
was tremendous and the hospitality was wonderful" - Intrepid Alex
McLeish hails the success of the Pope's O'Rangers' pre-season tour to
Canada.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Even Newcastle's most contrary players agree there's a certain
unarguable logic to Graeme Souness's latest plan: to replace
Nightclub Patrick Kluivert with slim Boro speedster Mark Viduka.
Though opinions may differ as to whether it's really necessary.
Celtic's John Hartson is being stalked by Sam Allardyce's Bolton and
Mark Hughes's Total Welsh Solutions.
Alan Curbishley will invite Chelsea's Alexei Smertin to sit at the
head of Charlton's mid-table midfield.
Sevilla striker and Arsenal target Julio Baptista is set to sign for
Barcelona instead.
AC Milan, still traumatised by surrendering a three-goal lead in the
Big Cup final, will continue their retail therapy by signing prolific
Parma striker Alberto Gilardino for around GBP17m.
Lyon manager Gerard Houllier has hinted star midfielder Michael Essien
may join Chelsea next summer rather than this year. For an
eye-boggling fee, no doubt.
Finally, former Brazil striker Romario will take over as manager of
Vasco da Gama, for whom the 39-year-old currently plays, if they do
not beat rivals Flamengo this Sunday. Which surely could be taken to
mean he has a vested interested in shanking a few sitters.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Most people can afford to take time out when chasing Mark Viduka, and
Graeme Souness did just that today to warn Arsenal that they'll have
to pay "a lot more than the GBP12m Patrick Vieira is reportedly being
sold for" if they want to buy Jermaine Jenas. Hilariously, the Scot
then added that he may try to lure Sol Campbell to St James's Park.
Charlton have signed Uruguay international Gonzalo Sorondo from
Internazionale.
And Bolton have got Ian Walker on a free, just weeks after he was
released by Leicester.
The Home Office has finally shone on Manchester City and, after a
lengthy delay, granted a new work permit to Chinese full-back Sun
Jihai.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE ASHES
Buy the Guardian on Monday and you'll get a special Ashes magazine. Go
on, it'll be worth it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
If you're a fancier of French flesh, you'll love The Gallery's tribute
to Laurent Robert:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1522426,00.html
And if steel sticks and white balls are your thing, then enjoy our
live coverage of the Open: sport.guardian.co.uk/open2005
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian, Richard Williams sees Tiger take the
Open by the tail and Jon Brodkin on the farewell of Patrick Vieira.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"With the aide of a salt cellar, pepper grinder and a selection of
random condiment jars I tried explaining the new 'interfering with
play' offside rule to my girlfriend last night. Although this method
has worked successfully in the past, after numerous attempts I gave
up. On the bright side we ended up with a fantastic marinade for our
chicken" - Adrian Johnson.
"Why not do away with the offside rule altogether? Neither side would
be at disadvantage, as both defences would have to watch out for a
stray attacker. If one gets through, I say good luck to them" - Dave
in Brighton.
"Re: Cathy Bryant from Manchester in TV and Radio yesterday. If she's
illiterate and ugly, what does she expect from a dating agency? Brad
Pitt?" - Col Spencer, Nottingham.
"Note to Rio Ferdinand/Steven Gerrard: get a grip. With creative
accounting it is actually possible to live on GBP100,000-a-week
wages" - Simon Binns.
"My neighbour earwormed me last night with Snap's Rhythm is a Dancer,
specifically the (im)mortal line: 'I'm serious as cancer/ When I Say
Rhythm is a Dancer'. Gah!" - Jon Dickinson.
"Re: uses for used 35mm film cannisters, why has no one suggested
using them as cannisters for 35mm film? From reading your daily
missives over the last couple of years I know Fiver writers are not
averse to recycling. Honk!" - Andrew Nelson [We're looking for uses
in a footballing context - Fiver ed].
"Surely I deserve a T-shirt for starting this 35mm canister riff?
Yours, naked from the waist up" - Stephen Lenthall.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: Adrian
Johnson.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Confederations Cup - Mexico v Brazil & Argentina v Germany (2am)
Yesterday we asked about the things you signed up for and then wished
you hadn't. Amazingly we had just the 17 emails from jokers
mentioning the Fiver.
US Major League Soccer (5am)
"Sorry, but the obvious answer is the Fiver," explained Nick Brett,
one of the more erudite emailers.
Sky Sports 1: Warnock (10pm)
"If I hadn't signed up, I wouldn't be betting with colleagues on the
daily arrival time.
J League Weekly (9.30pm)
"I wouldn't be dropping everything each afternoon to read it and
forward it to others.
Sky Sports 3: The World's Greatest Sporting Legends (7pm)
"I wouldn't be smirking to myself and then having to explain why.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"I wouldn't be caught reading it by the boss on a regular basis and
angrily asked, 'have you nothing to do?'
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"In fact, if it wasn't for the Fiver, I would probably have been
promoted by now. You lot have ruined my career!" Just happy to have
made a difference, Nick. Now, send more stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk , marked: The Swingers Club Wasn't All It Was
Cracked Up To Be.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
MORE MONEY DOWN THE DRAIN
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
14 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Lights, Camera, GBP12m Move to Juventus
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SOMEBODY'S NOT STICKING TO THE SCRIPT
Scene: Every summer, somewhere in north London, for as long as anyone
cares to remember.
Big foreign club: [Strides in with a swagger] We want to sign Patrick
Vieira.
Arsenal: Eh, no, thanks all the same.
Patrick Vieira: I love Arsenal. [Eye a-twinkling] I never want to
leave.
Big foreign club: [Waves grotesque amount of money around] We want to
sign Patrick Vieira.
Arsenal: [Eyes lingering on the cash] No. We are not in the business
of selling our best players.
Patrick Vieira: Come on now, let's not be too hasty. [Exit stage
right]
Big foreign club: [Hops, skips and jumps into a press conference] We
are going to sign Patrick Vieira. A deal is imminent.
Arsenal:
[Light coughing]
Arsenal:
[Tumbleweed enters stage left, blows across stage, exits stage right]
Patrick Vieira: Ahem, Arsenal, this is where you're supposed to shout
a lusty Hollywood 'no', lock me in a room and offer me the riches of
Cibola and a brand new Seat Ibiza.
Arsenal:
Patrick Vieira: Remember? You do that, I go and have a think about
it, decide I still want to move, and then change my mind at the 11th
hour when it turns out I can't squeeze as much out of them as I can
out of you. It's the whole climax of the show. Think of the fans!
Arsenal:
Big foreign club suit, quite possibly Juventus general director
Luciano Moggi: We are on the verge of signing him. [Counting out
GBP12m in crisp new notes] The deal should be completed this
afternoon.
Arsenal:
Patrick Vieira: Wha-? But? Eh?
Arsenal: [To themselves] Hmm, Lyon's Mahamadou Diarra might be worth
a look, even though he's just sign a new contract. A snip at GBP10m,
too.
Patrick Vieira: [As gleeful Juventus suits shepherd him towards door]
This isn't how it's supposed to be! [Ponders a trademark
drop-to-the-floor-like-a-wounded-gazelle for effect] GBP82,000-a-week
for the next five years, you say? I'll get my coat.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We were in a western country where English is the language, the food
was tremendous and the hospitality was wonderful" - Intrepid Alex
McLeish hails the success of the Pope's O'Rangers' pre-season tour to
Canada.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Even Newcastle's most contrary players agree there's a certain
unarguable logic to Graeme Souness's latest plan: to replace
Nightclub Patrick Kluivert with slim Boro speedster Mark Viduka.
Though opinions may differ as to whether it's really necessary.
Celtic's John Hartson is being stalked by Sam Allardyce's Bolton and
Mark Hughes's Total Welsh Solutions.
Alan Curbishley will invite Chelsea's Alexei Smertin to sit at the
head of Charlton's mid-table midfield.
Sevilla striker and Arsenal target Julio Baptista is set to sign for
Barcelona instead.
AC Milan, still traumatised by surrendering a three-goal lead in the
Big Cup final, will continue their retail therapy by signing prolific
Parma striker Alberto Gilardino for around GBP17m.
Lyon manager Gerard Houllier has hinted star midfielder Michael Essien
may join Chelsea next summer rather than this year. For an
eye-boggling fee, no doubt.
Finally, former Brazil striker Romario will take over as manager of
Vasco da Gama, for whom the 39-year-old currently plays, if they do
not beat rivals Flamengo this Sunday. Which surely could be taken to
mean he has a vested interested in shanking a few sitters.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Most people can afford to take time out when chasing Mark Viduka, and
Graeme Souness did just that today to warn Arsenal that they'll have
to pay "a lot more than the GBP12m Patrick Vieira is reportedly being
sold for" if they want to buy Jermaine Jenas. Hilariously, the Scot
then added that he may try to lure Sol Campbell to St James's Park.
Charlton have signed Uruguay international Gonzalo Sorondo from
Internazionale.
And Bolton have got Ian Walker on a free, just weeks after he was
released by Leicester.
The Home Office has finally shone on Manchester City and, after a
lengthy delay, granted a new work permit to Chinese full-back Sun
Jihai.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE ASHES
Buy the Guardian on Monday and you'll get a special Ashes magazine. Go
on, it'll be worth it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
If you're a fancier of French flesh, you'll love The Gallery's tribute
to Laurent Robert:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1522426,00.html
And if steel sticks and white balls are your thing, then enjoy our
live coverage of the Open: sport.guardian.co.uk/open2005
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian, Richard Williams sees Tiger take the
Open by the tail and Jon Brodkin on the farewell of Patrick Vieira.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"With the aide of a salt cellar, pepper grinder and a selection of
random condiment jars I tried explaining the new 'interfering with
play' offside rule to my girlfriend last night. Although this method
has worked successfully in the past, after numerous attempts I gave
up. On the bright side we ended up with a fantastic marinade for our
chicken" - Adrian Johnson.
"Why not do away with the offside rule altogether? Neither side would
be at disadvantage, as both defences would have to watch out for a
stray attacker. If one gets through, I say good luck to them" - Dave
in Brighton.
"Re: Cathy Bryant from Manchester in TV and Radio yesterday. If she's
illiterate and ugly, what does she expect from a dating agency? Brad
Pitt?" - Col Spencer, Nottingham.
"Note to Rio Ferdinand/Steven Gerrard: get a grip. With creative
accounting it is actually possible to live on GBP100,000-a-week
wages" - Simon Binns.
"My neighbour earwormed me last night with Snap's Rhythm is a Dancer,
specifically the (im)mortal line: 'I'm serious as cancer/ When I Say
Rhythm is a Dancer'. Gah!" - Jon Dickinson.
"Re: uses for used 35mm film cannisters, why has no one suggested
using them as cannisters for 35mm film? From reading your daily
missives over the last couple of years I know Fiver writers are not
averse to recycling. Honk!" - Andrew Nelson [We're looking for uses
in a footballing context - Fiver ed].
"Surely I deserve a T-shirt for starting this 35mm canister riff?
Yours, naked from the waist up" - Stephen Lenthall.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: Adrian
Johnson.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Confederations Cup - Mexico v Brazil & Argentina v Germany (2am)
Yesterday we asked about the things you signed up for and then wished
you hadn't. Amazingly we had just the 17 emails from jokers
mentioning the Fiver.
US Major League Soccer (5am)
"Sorry, but the obvious answer is the Fiver," explained Nick Brett,
one of the more erudite emailers.
Sky Sports 1: Warnock (10pm)
"If I hadn't signed up, I wouldn't be betting with colleagues on the
daily arrival time.
J League Weekly (9.30pm)
"I wouldn't be dropping everything each afternoon to read it and
forward it to others.
Sky Sports 3: The World's Greatest Sporting Legends (7pm)
"I wouldn't be smirking to myself and then having to explain why.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"I wouldn't be caught reading it by the boss on a regular basis and
angrily asked, 'have you nothing to do?'
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"In fact, if it wasn't for the Fiver, I would probably have been
promoted by now. You lot have ruined my career!" Just happy to have
made a difference, Nick. Now, send more stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk , marked: The Swingers Club Wasn't All It Was
Cracked Up To Be.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
MORE MONEY DOWN THE DRAIN
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.