Post by Salem6 on Jul 5, 2005 16:39:59 GMT
The Fiver
05 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Creased Foreheads
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GERRARD: I WANT TO LEAVE ANFIELD
When footballers declare their undying love for one club shortly
before leaving it to earn more money at another, the Fiver is always
gobsmacked. Not by the predictable actions of the self-serving
mercenaries in question, but by the extraordinary reactions of
gullible fans who continue to labour under the delusion that
footballers care about (a) them, (b) their club, and (c) anything
other than money. So when a statement from Anfield revealed that
$teven Gerrard had refused his club's "offer of an improved and
extended contract because he wants to leave Liverpool" we weren't a
bit surprised. After all, here was a man who'd wondered "how can I
leave after that?" in the wake of his team's Big Cup triumph just six
weeks ago.
What did knock us for six were the missives sent by gullible Liverpool
fans to Fiver Towers in which they expressed their total surprise
that their captain would abandon them in order to fill his boots at
Chelsea or Real Madrid. "I really thought $tevie was different,"
wailed one hapless buffoon in an email, prompting paroxysms of mirth
throughout the office.
Of course, if Liverpool fans spent less time idolising sportsmen who
are bewildered by their fanaticism and more time examining the facts,
they'd quickly realise that (a) if it's loyalty you're after you
should buy a dog and (b) $tevie Me will be no great loss. Yes, he can
trap footballs in the giant furrow that is his forehead, but in four
of the last five seasons Liverpool have averaged more points per
Premiership game played without him than when he's been there
cannoning trademark 60-yard passes off pitchside burger vans.
The upshot? With Xabi Alonso on their books, Liverpool are set to
trouser well over GBP30m by way of compensation for losing their
second best midfielder. As to where he'll go next: the smart money
says Chelsea - who today had a GBP32m bid rejected - although that
suspicious-looking paella van parked outside Anfield could well
contain spies from Real Madrid, who admit they're "monitoring the
situation". Either way, having already rejected a GBP100,000-a-week
deal to stay at Liverpool, $tevie won't come cheap.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I have got friends with children growing up in the East End of London
and they have said to me that to have the Olympics in our manor would
be a special thing" - David Beckham, man of the people, wows IOC
delegates with some last-minute lobbying. T'riffic.
*********************
ADVERT
Get two free cinema tickets and free unlimited DVD rentals for a month
when you subscribe to the Guardian's new DVD rental service:
www.guardian.co.uk/sofacinema
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
The extra GBP780m Roman Abramovich received from his oil empire
yesterday is clearly already burning a hole in the Special One's
pocket. Now he'll use one-39th of it to sign Shaun Wright-Phillips
from Man City.
In his search for a big striker with a good touch, Rafa Benitez will
plough the first GBP8m of Liverpool's $tevie G lolly into Peter
Crouch. "Let's not kid ourselves; Peter wants to go there, where he
can play in Big Cup and get eight times the pay," whined not-so-'appy
'Arry Redknapp.
Danny Dichio, a big striker without a particularly good touch, has
been told he can quit Millwall for Preston as part of new manager
Steve Claridge's wage cull.
Everton's double raid on Valencia pair Lamine Sissoko and Emiliano
Moretti looks like half paying off; Sissoko claims to have no
interest in a move, but Moretti does want to put on the Chang shirt.
Gunners close in on Traore: don't worry your
attention-grabbing-headline-reading-selves, Arsenal fans, it's
16-year-old Monaco defender Armand that Arsene's after.
Bongo FC boss Bernard Cribbins reckons GBP4m is a good price for Nicky
Butt, whose career is receding faster than his hairline.
"Choose West Brom" is Bryan Robson's Trainspotting-style urge to MU
Rowdies' Kieran Richardson.
And Port Vale have issued a wanted poster, adorned with
out-of-contract Bristol City left-back Mickey Bell's face.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Who'd have thought it? THFC have missed out on another big name after
Christian Vieri opted to join AC Milan.
Alan Pardew's hands have been untied just long enough to seal a triple
swoop for Charlton's Paul Konchesky and Cardiff pair Danny Gabbidon
and James Collins.
Aston Villa midfielder Nol Solano will not face prosecution over
alleged passport irregularities following a four-year investigation.
Fancy throw-in merchant Steve Watson has agreed to join West Brom on a
free transfer from Everton.
Park Ji-sung has been given a work permit to join the MU Soccerball
Seahawks.
Perhaps confused by the green-and-white surroundings, Nigerian
defender Taribo West has signed a one-year deal with Plymouth Argyle.
And Oxford United defender Terry Parker has been sacked by the club,
after being handed an 18-month prison sentence for his role in a
violent pub brawl.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Pull up to Kluivert's bumper baby, in the Nightclub Patrick Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1511993,00.html
Let the greatest internet sports games ensure you a timely sabbatical:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Remember Sensible Soccer? Read our review of its latest release in the
Gear: sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/
Hear David Beckham's attempts to single-handedly win the 2012 Olympics
in our special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/london2012/0,14213,1134327,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"If Gerrard is happier at Mercenary FC then fine - he'll forever be
known as the Liverpool captain who gave up a boyhood dream for a
couple of easy league titles and some extra pocket money. One thing
this season has taught us is that you can't buy class or history. We
continue to have both, SG has no class and no comprehension of what
it means to captain Liverpool" - Stu Mather.
"In the week of Live8 and G8 deliberations, Gerrard's greed seems
ludicrous and amoral. Football is in a sorry state" - R McBride.
"I would be gutted if he left, but feel the blame must be laid at
Gerrard's own door. If - and that's a big if - Liverpool are his
passion, how can he think of leaving after winning Big Cup last year?
I'd understand at the end of next season if we didn't win anything,
but if he loves Liverpool, why isn't he staying?" - John Lush
"There's an advert on the Liverpool official website (liverpoolfc.tv)
for the club shop which shows Gerrard holding the European cup, with
the caption 'Buy now online'. Maybe to clarify they should add 'cup
not included'." - Ian Cowling.
"Congratulations must go to Matt Heenan (yesterday's Fiver letters)
for his eloquent rant about Steven Gerrard. He types the way I
imagine he talks. Maybe he needs to calm down?" - Trevor Farry.
"Rumour has is Olivier Bernard is off to Sunderland. Do you think it
was the red and white stripes or the bitter taste of relegation he
liked so much at Southampton?" - Ed Walker.
"Has anyone mentioned West Ham's biggest rock fan - Iron Maiden
(specifically Steve Harris). They even named an album Virtual XI
(with specially selected footballers on the inside cover) and have
now sponsored an East End football side called Iron Maiden FC" - Guy
Johnstone.
"Re: Calum Davenport being questioned by police over allegations he
attacked another man in Bedford nightclub Oxygen (yesterday's Fiver).
I presume the first question was 'Why Calum, when you live in London,
would you go out in Bedford?'" - Ian, Bedford.
"Re: yesterday's letter about Stoke not signing enough foreign
players. Am I the only one who saw the irony in Johan Boskamp's first
signing being Peter Sweeney from Millwall. Surely a European coach of
such stature would be able to look at more exotic foreigners than a
mere Scot" - Anthony Blandford.
"Re: Paulo Maldini's son getting stung by a jellyfish. I saw Glen
Johnson swimming at the Elysium Hotel in Paphos, Cyprus last Sunday,
but neither he nor any of his party of beautiful people appeared to
be stung by anything. He and his friend played headers in the pool
before swimming up to the pool bar for what looked like Pina
Coladas." - John Hudgell, Cyprus.
"Is Samuel Smith (yesterday's Fiver Letters winner) the same Samuel
Smith responsible for the chain of low-rent boozers serving the
student mind-rotter of choice Ayingerbrau? If so is there any chance
he could stop messing about and winning T-shirts, and turn his
efforts to making some nicer beer?" - Mike Hopkin.
"As a keen reader of both the Fiver and the Guardian letters pages, I
was just wondering if any readers had interesting football-related
uses for 35mm film canisters?" - Stephen Lenthall.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Oh, and if you need any more incentive, the
best letter of the day will win a classy T-shirt from
fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: Ian Cowling.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC2: Anne Widdecombe To The Rescue (8.30am)
Yesterday we asked for your suggestions, "no matter how ridiculous
they may be", for a new TV and Radio riff. Clearly some of you took
one of those words to heart.
ITV: Bad Girls (9pm)
"Why not get people to tell you their favourite cheese?" suggests Tom
Dowler. "Then you could compile all the data and have a cheese top
40. Then there'd be loads of suspense because you'd be waiting to see
if Emmenthal could knock Double Gloucester off the top spot."
Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned (11pm)
Next! "How about embarrassing motor vehicle breakdown tales?" asks
Paul Brierley. "Way back in 1991 I was the proud owner of a Citreon
Visa 11RE" [SNIP - Fiver ed]
Channel 5: The Joan Rivers Position (10.55pm)
Meanwhile Adam Leary wants to talk about rubbish fancy dress
costumes. "Dressing up as Jimmy Saville seemed to make me a big hit
with the ladies, but I really shouldn't have been smoking that cigar
so close to my highly-flammable pink shellsuit," he chuckles.
British Eurosport: Live Olympic Draw (2am)
Not bad, but Cass Crockatt's suggestion is far better. "What about
the smallest, most petty reason you've ever ended a relationship?" he
suggests.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (8pm)
"For instance, I once broke up with a girl because she called while I
was watching They Think It's All Over. I guess I could have made an
excuse and called her back afterwards, but at the time saying: 'I
don't want to see you anymore' seemed the quickest way to get her off
the phone and get back to Lee Hurst and the gang.
TalkSport: The Bid Olympic 2012 Special (7pm)
"I obviously eventually realised the show was absolute rubbish, but
she wasn't much cop either so I guess it balances out."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
It's petty, all right - but we're say Cass isn't alone. Prove us
right by emailing the.boss@guardian.co.uk, with the subject heading:
He/She Was Asking for It.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"THE CITY BOYS HE SO LAZILY SPEARS FROM THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY SHOULD
USE HIM AS THE BALL IN A GIANT RUCK"
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
05 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Creased Foreheads
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GERRARD: I WANT TO LEAVE ANFIELD
When footballers declare their undying love for one club shortly
before leaving it to earn more money at another, the Fiver is always
gobsmacked. Not by the predictable actions of the self-serving
mercenaries in question, but by the extraordinary reactions of
gullible fans who continue to labour under the delusion that
footballers care about (a) them, (b) their club, and (c) anything
other than money. So when a statement from Anfield revealed that
$teven Gerrard had refused his club's "offer of an improved and
extended contract because he wants to leave Liverpool" we weren't a
bit surprised. After all, here was a man who'd wondered "how can I
leave after that?" in the wake of his team's Big Cup triumph just six
weeks ago.
What did knock us for six were the missives sent by gullible Liverpool
fans to Fiver Towers in which they expressed their total surprise
that their captain would abandon them in order to fill his boots at
Chelsea or Real Madrid. "I really thought $tevie was different,"
wailed one hapless buffoon in an email, prompting paroxysms of mirth
throughout the office.
Of course, if Liverpool fans spent less time idolising sportsmen who
are bewildered by their fanaticism and more time examining the facts,
they'd quickly realise that (a) if it's loyalty you're after you
should buy a dog and (b) $tevie Me will be no great loss. Yes, he can
trap footballs in the giant furrow that is his forehead, but in four
of the last five seasons Liverpool have averaged more points per
Premiership game played without him than when he's been there
cannoning trademark 60-yard passes off pitchside burger vans.
The upshot? With Xabi Alonso on their books, Liverpool are set to
trouser well over GBP30m by way of compensation for losing their
second best midfielder. As to where he'll go next: the smart money
says Chelsea - who today had a GBP32m bid rejected - although that
suspicious-looking paella van parked outside Anfield could well
contain spies from Real Madrid, who admit they're "monitoring the
situation". Either way, having already rejected a GBP100,000-a-week
deal to stay at Liverpool, $tevie won't come cheap.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I have got friends with children growing up in the East End of London
and they have said to me that to have the Olympics in our manor would
be a special thing" - David Beckham, man of the people, wows IOC
delegates with some last-minute lobbying. T'riffic.
*********************
ADVERT
Get two free cinema tickets and free unlimited DVD rentals for a month
when you subscribe to the Guardian's new DVD rental service:
www.guardian.co.uk/sofacinema
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
The extra GBP780m Roman Abramovich received from his oil empire
yesterday is clearly already burning a hole in the Special One's
pocket. Now he'll use one-39th of it to sign Shaun Wright-Phillips
from Man City.
In his search for a big striker with a good touch, Rafa Benitez will
plough the first GBP8m of Liverpool's $tevie G lolly into Peter
Crouch. "Let's not kid ourselves; Peter wants to go there, where he
can play in Big Cup and get eight times the pay," whined not-so-'appy
'Arry Redknapp.
Danny Dichio, a big striker without a particularly good touch, has
been told he can quit Millwall for Preston as part of new manager
Steve Claridge's wage cull.
Everton's double raid on Valencia pair Lamine Sissoko and Emiliano
Moretti looks like half paying off; Sissoko claims to have no
interest in a move, but Moretti does want to put on the Chang shirt.
Gunners close in on Traore: don't worry your
attention-grabbing-headline-reading-selves, Arsenal fans, it's
16-year-old Monaco defender Armand that Arsene's after.
Bongo FC boss Bernard Cribbins reckons GBP4m is a good price for Nicky
Butt, whose career is receding faster than his hairline.
"Choose West Brom" is Bryan Robson's Trainspotting-style urge to MU
Rowdies' Kieran Richardson.
And Port Vale have issued a wanted poster, adorned with
out-of-contract Bristol City left-back Mickey Bell's face.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Who'd have thought it? THFC have missed out on another big name after
Christian Vieri opted to join AC Milan.
Alan Pardew's hands have been untied just long enough to seal a triple
swoop for Charlton's Paul Konchesky and Cardiff pair Danny Gabbidon
and James Collins.
Aston Villa midfielder Nol Solano will not face prosecution over
alleged passport irregularities following a four-year investigation.
Fancy throw-in merchant Steve Watson has agreed to join West Brom on a
free transfer from Everton.
Park Ji-sung has been given a work permit to join the MU Soccerball
Seahawks.
Perhaps confused by the green-and-white surroundings, Nigerian
defender Taribo West has signed a one-year deal with Plymouth Argyle.
And Oxford United defender Terry Parker has been sacked by the club,
after being handed an 18-month prison sentence for his role in a
violent pub brawl.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Pull up to Kluivert's bumper baby, in the Nightclub Patrick Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1511993,00.html
Let the greatest internet sports games ensure you a timely sabbatical:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Remember Sensible Soccer? Read our review of its latest release in the
Gear: sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/
Hear David Beckham's attempts to single-handedly win the 2012 Olympics
in our special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/london2012/0,14213,1134327,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"If Gerrard is happier at Mercenary FC then fine - he'll forever be
known as the Liverpool captain who gave up a boyhood dream for a
couple of easy league titles and some extra pocket money. One thing
this season has taught us is that you can't buy class or history. We
continue to have both, SG has no class and no comprehension of what
it means to captain Liverpool" - Stu Mather.
"In the week of Live8 and G8 deliberations, Gerrard's greed seems
ludicrous and amoral. Football is in a sorry state" - R McBride.
"I would be gutted if he left, but feel the blame must be laid at
Gerrard's own door. If - and that's a big if - Liverpool are his
passion, how can he think of leaving after winning Big Cup last year?
I'd understand at the end of next season if we didn't win anything,
but if he loves Liverpool, why isn't he staying?" - John Lush
"There's an advert on the Liverpool official website (liverpoolfc.tv)
for the club shop which shows Gerrard holding the European cup, with
the caption 'Buy now online'. Maybe to clarify they should add 'cup
not included'." - Ian Cowling.
"Congratulations must go to Matt Heenan (yesterday's Fiver letters)
for his eloquent rant about Steven Gerrard. He types the way I
imagine he talks. Maybe he needs to calm down?" - Trevor Farry.
"Rumour has is Olivier Bernard is off to Sunderland. Do you think it
was the red and white stripes or the bitter taste of relegation he
liked so much at Southampton?" - Ed Walker.
"Has anyone mentioned West Ham's biggest rock fan - Iron Maiden
(specifically Steve Harris). They even named an album Virtual XI
(with specially selected footballers on the inside cover) and have
now sponsored an East End football side called Iron Maiden FC" - Guy
Johnstone.
"Re: Calum Davenport being questioned by police over allegations he
attacked another man in Bedford nightclub Oxygen (yesterday's Fiver).
I presume the first question was 'Why Calum, when you live in London,
would you go out in Bedford?'" - Ian, Bedford.
"Re: yesterday's letter about Stoke not signing enough foreign
players. Am I the only one who saw the irony in Johan Boskamp's first
signing being Peter Sweeney from Millwall. Surely a European coach of
such stature would be able to look at more exotic foreigners than a
mere Scot" - Anthony Blandford.
"Re: Paulo Maldini's son getting stung by a jellyfish. I saw Glen
Johnson swimming at the Elysium Hotel in Paphos, Cyprus last Sunday,
but neither he nor any of his party of beautiful people appeared to
be stung by anything. He and his friend played headers in the pool
before swimming up to the pool bar for what looked like Pina
Coladas." - John Hudgell, Cyprus.
"Is Samuel Smith (yesterday's Fiver Letters winner) the same Samuel
Smith responsible for the chain of low-rent boozers serving the
student mind-rotter of choice Ayingerbrau? If so is there any chance
he could stop messing about and winning T-shirts, and turn his
efforts to making some nicer beer?" - Mike Hopkin.
"As a keen reader of both the Fiver and the Guardian letters pages, I
was just wondering if any readers had interesting football-related
uses for 35mm film canisters?" - Stephen Lenthall.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Oh, and if you need any more incentive, the
best letter of the day will win a classy T-shirt from
fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: Ian Cowling.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC2: Anne Widdecombe To The Rescue (8.30am)
Yesterday we asked for your suggestions, "no matter how ridiculous
they may be", for a new TV and Radio riff. Clearly some of you took
one of those words to heart.
ITV: Bad Girls (9pm)
"Why not get people to tell you their favourite cheese?" suggests Tom
Dowler. "Then you could compile all the data and have a cheese top
40. Then there'd be loads of suspense because you'd be waiting to see
if Emmenthal could knock Double Gloucester off the top spot."
Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned (11pm)
Next! "How about embarrassing motor vehicle breakdown tales?" asks
Paul Brierley. "Way back in 1991 I was the proud owner of a Citreon
Visa 11RE" [SNIP - Fiver ed]
Channel 5: The Joan Rivers Position (10.55pm)
Meanwhile Adam Leary wants to talk about rubbish fancy dress
costumes. "Dressing up as Jimmy Saville seemed to make me a big hit
with the ladies, but I really shouldn't have been smoking that cigar
so close to my highly-flammable pink shellsuit," he chuckles.
British Eurosport: Live Olympic Draw (2am)
Not bad, but Cass Crockatt's suggestion is far better. "What about
the smallest, most petty reason you've ever ended a relationship?" he
suggests.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (8pm)
"For instance, I once broke up with a girl because she called while I
was watching They Think It's All Over. I guess I could have made an
excuse and called her back afterwards, but at the time saying: 'I
don't want to see you anymore' seemed the quickest way to get her off
the phone and get back to Lee Hurst and the gang.
TalkSport: The Bid Olympic 2012 Special (7pm)
"I obviously eventually realised the show was absolute rubbish, but
she wasn't much cop either so I guess it balances out."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
It's petty, all right - but we're say Cass isn't alone. Prove us
right by emailing the.boss@guardian.co.uk, with the subject heading:
He/She Was Asking for It.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"THE CITY BOYS HE SO LAZILY SPEARS FROM THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY SHOULD
USE HIM AS THE BALL IN A GIANT RUCK"
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.