Post by Salem6 on Jul 14, 2005 5:16:03 GMT
The Fiver
13 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Tweaks and tantrums
* * * * * * * * * * * *
DO YOU KNOW THE OFFSIDE RULE?
A few Jay Jay Okocha stunts aside, the only creative thing Bolton did
last season was to exploit the ambiguities of the offside law by
dawdling twenty yards behind defenders while waiting for free-kicks
to be delivered (if ripping off Ruud van Nistelrooy can be construed
as creative, of course). Since then, the game's global governors have
tweaked the definition of 'interfering with play' in a bid to unmuddy
the waters. The new interpretation came into effect on July 1 after
being showcased at the Confederations Cup, but today only one thing
is clear: confusion still reigns.
"It's frightening, a nightmare," screamed Southampton schemer 'Arry
Redknapp. "The crowds are going to wonder what's going on." The new
interpretation states that "interfering with play means playing or
touching the ball passed or touched by a team-mate," which may
explain why in last night's Motherwell-Saints friendly, players were
allowed to goal-hang like a fat kid in parks' football - with
linesmen only raising their flags when a player in an offside
position actually touched the ball.
"We'll need clarification because it makes the linesmen look like
idiots with these very late flags," raged 'Well manager Terry
Butcher. "It is one of the most bizarre rules ever to come into
play." And with nobody knowing what exactly "playing the ball" means
- is running away from it playing it? Is Cossack dancing in its
vicinity playing it? - the Premier League will next week hold
meetings with managers to discuss the implications of the rule
change. But why bother? We all know it'll mean wholesale chaos on the
first day of the season.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He [Timothee Atouba] was our dream candidate from the first moment
and we are very happy to finalise the transfer" - Hamburg director of
sport Dietmar Beiersdorfer, who can't be nearly as happy as
Tottenham, who've made GBP1.5m on a player who can't tackle, cross,
or run for more than 40 minutes.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Who'd have thought Graeme Souness would regret selling Andy O'Brien?
The Newcastle boss is desperate for a new defender after Titus
Bramble broke his elbow in a training-ground collision with Michael
Chopra, so will renew his interest in Manchester City's Sylvain
Distin.
Still, at least the sack-race favourite has his cash-box hammer at the
ready after Fulham told him to "break the bank" in order to land Luis
Boa Morte.
If Edwin van der Sar becomes the 76th goalkeeper to fail at the MU
Phillies in recent years, GBP1m-rated Stoke stopper Ben Foster is
waiting in the wings to take over.
'Yossi's Giants' could be a famed kids TV show set in the East End a
few years from now if Racing Santander midfielder Yossi Benayoun can
live up to his prospective GBP2.5m fee at West Ham.
Bongo FC chief Bernard Cribbins is plotting a back-to-work scheme for
unemployed defender Olivier Bernard.
Alluring glances in Steve Lovell's direction could tempt the Dundee
striker into joining Aberdeen for GBP200,000.
And Rafa Benitez, ahead of tonight's Big Cup title defence against
TNS, is scouring for new central defensive targets after Real
Zaragoza said "no" to Liverpool's GBP7.5m bid for Gabriel Milito.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
It's as if last season never ended; the Special One has incurred the
FA's wrath for a change after claiming Arsenal vice-chairman and,
coincidentally, FA board member David Dein has courted favour for the
Gunners with the game's governing body.
Meanwhile, the reason for Roman Abramovich's bat-phone ringing to the
sound of a frantic Peter Kenyon? Chelsea's latest "extraordinary"
offer for Michael Essien has been turned down flat by Lyon.
He might be unable to spell it, but Rio Ferdinand has a nice line in
procrastination and Lord Ferg is none too happy: "We want Rio to sign
now. It has created speculation and an unnecessary agenda for the
club," blasted the MU 49ers manager.
Kieron Dyer won't be standing for any trouble from Newcastle
team-mates for another four years after agreeing a new contract.
Instead of taking the easy buck from a move to Portsmouth, Paulo
Wanchope has taken the easy buck from Qatar side Al-Gharafa Sports
Club.
Wigan have completed the signing of promising young Tranmere full-back
Ryan Taylor for an undisclosed fee and are now turning their
attention to Portuguese star Ze Castro, after a tip-off from the
Special One.
Perennial Micky Adams cohort Paul Watson is attempting to persuade the
Coventry boss he is fit enough to earn a new contract on the club's
pre-season tour to Ibiza; presumably by lasting 'til dawn at
Manumission.
And Brian Deane has made Australian side Perth Glory his eleventh
employers in a career spanning four months shy of 20 years.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE ASHES
Buy the Guardian on Monday and you'll get a special Ashes magazine. Go
on, it'll be worth it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE
Sign up now for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Is SV Hamburg's mascot named after the team's former masseur? Find out
in the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1524281,00.html
"He had a prosthetic ear and wanted me to sign it!" Garth Crooks tells
all to Small Talk:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1517450,00.html
The Gallery returns tomorrow with a Laurent Robert special; for now,
enjoy Nightclub Patrick in all his glory:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1517210,00.html
If Dolly Parton had found the best internet sports games ever, we'd
never have suffered 9-5:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Richard Williams on the Open and David
Hopps on England's Ashes selection.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: J Jones' letter about Southampton selling overpriced English
strikers for loads of money [yesterday's Fiver letters]. Nottm
Forest, over the years, have sold Garry Birtles and Peter Davenport,
who went from 20 goals a season at Forest to nothing at Man Utd,
Nigel Clough to Liverpool for GBP3m (ditto) as well as Stan
Collymore, who went from potentially the greatest English striker of
his generation to, well, dogging" - Max Newton.
"Re: changes to the offside rule. This is like a fantasy - has anyone
on Ifab ever played football ? Offside is offside. Onside is onside.
Simple. Maybe it could be further complicated? To be offside you must
be less than 5ft tall or left-footed or one-eyed or Belgian?" Graeme
Paterson.
"With Scott Parker and Emre added to the Toon's already midfield-heavy
squad, and Titus Bramble out for three months, I think I've worked
out Sourness' tactical masterplan for next season, a unique 1-9-1
formation. They may not score many goals, but then nobody will ever
get past the massive midfield posse. Just imagine, 38 points and 38
nil-nil draws - the Toon will be the talk of world football" - Daniel
Kennedy.
"Re: Harry Redknapp complaining about Celtic being after his players.
Didn't he do the same thing when he got to Southampton? He plundered
Pompey and now whinges when another ex-manager does the same. The
nerve!" - Teddy.
"For no apparent reason I woke up this morning to find myself
earwormed by Shakira's 'whenever' or 'wherever' or whatever it's
called (it's even more painful when you don't know any of the
words!)" - Colin Jaffray.
"Re: Uses for 35mm film canisters. Perhaps $tevie Me could use one to
store his humility and dignity?" - David Brown.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: David
Brown.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Five Football Replay - Middlesbrough v Sporting Lisbon (4.40am)
Just like that, it's all over for your petty dumping tales. See if we
care. But luckily Cathy Bryant from Manchester has a suggestion for a
new riff: "things you'd joined and wish you hadn't, like societies,
groups etc."
Sky Sports 1: Fifa Futbol Mundial (10pm)
"I once joined a tacky dating agency," she sighs. "The first man I
met through it was like a cross between Hans Moleman and David Brent.
After an hour of torture, I told him gently that I wasn't interested,
whereupon he burst into noisy and abundant tears.
Sky Sports 3: International Badminton (12.30am)
"He continued to sob as I led him from the pub, as I took the bus
with him all the way to the railway station, and was still bawling
when I put him on to his train back to Yorkshire.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"He wrote to me for a whole year afterwards, despite the fact that I
didn't answer once. And I'm not even pretty.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I bet that other Fiverees have joined tackier things with even more
embarrassing results." Well, have you? Send your stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked Rock Soc Wasn't Supposed To Be Like
This.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
CURES FOR RSI?
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
13 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Tweaks and tantrums
* * * * * * * * * * * *
DO YOU KNOW THE OFFSIDE RULE?
A few Jay Jay Okocha stunts aside, the only creative thing Bolton did
last season was to exploit the ambiguities of the offside law by
dawdling twenty yards behind defenders while waiting for free-kicks
to be delivered (if ripping off Ruud van Nistelrooy can be construed
as creative, of course). Since then, the game's global governors have
tweaked the definition of 'interfering with play' in a bid to unmuddy
the waters. The new interpretation came into effect on July 1 after
being showcased at the Confederations Cup, but today only one thing
is clear: confusion still reigns.
"It's frightening, a nightmare," screamed Southampton schemer 'Arry
Redknapp. "The crowds are going to wonder what's going on." The new
interpretation states that "interfering with play means playing or
touching the ball passed or touched by a team-mate," which may
explain why in last night's Motherwell-Saints friendly, players were
allowed to goal-hang like a fat kid in parks' football - with
linesmen only raising their flags when a player in an offside
position actually touched the ball.
"We'll need clarification because it makes the linesmen look like
idiots with these very late flags," raged 'Well manager Terry
Butcher. "It is one of the most bizarre rules ever to come into
play." And with nobody knowing what exactly "playing the ball" means
- is running away from it playing it? Is Cossack dancing in its
vicinity playing it? - the Premier League will next week hold
meetings with managers to discuss the implications of the rule
change. But why bother? We all know it'll mean wholesale chaos on the
first day of the season.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He [Timothee Atouba] was our dream candidate from the first moment
and we are very happy to finalise the transfer" - Hamburg director of
sport Dietmar Beiersdorfer, who can't be nearly as happy as
Tottenham, who've made GBP1.5m on a player who can't tackle, cross,
or run for more than 40 minutes.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Who'd have thought Graeme Souness would regret selling Andy O'Brien?
The Newcastle boss is desperate for a new defender after Titus
Bramble broke his elbow in a training-ground collision with Michael
Chopra, so will renew his interest in Manchester City's Sylvain
Distin.
Still, at least the sack-race favourite has his cash-box hammer at the
ready after Fulham told him to "break the bank" in order to land Luis
Boa Morte.
If Edwin van der Sar becomes the 76th goalkeeper to fail at the MU
Phillies in recent years, GBP1m-rated Stoke stopper Ben Foster is
waiting in the wings to take over.
'Yossi's Giants' could be a famed kids TV show set in the East End a
few years from now if Racing Santander midfielder Yossi Benayoun can
live up to his prospective GBP2.5m fee at West Ham.
Bongo FC chief Bernard Cribbins is plotting a back-to-work scheme for
unemployed defender Olivier Bernard.
Alluring glances in Steve Lovell's direction could tempt the Dundee
striker into joining Aberdeen for GBP200,000.
And Rafa Benitez, ahead of tonight's Big Cup title defence against
TNS, is scouring for new central defensive targets after Real
Zaragoza said "no" to Liverpool's GBP7.5m bid for Gabriel Milito.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
It's as if last season never ended; the Special One has incurred the
FA's wrath for a change after claiming Arsenal vice-chairman and,
coincidentally, FA board member David Dein has courted favour for the
Gunners with the game's governing body.
Meanwhile, the reason for Roman Abramovich's bat-phone ringing to the
sound of a frantic Peter Kenyon? Chelsea's latest "extraordinary"
offer for Michael Essien has been turned down flat by Lyon.
He might be unable to spell it, but Rio Ferdinand has a nice line in
procrastination and Lord Ferg is none too happy: "We want Rio to sign
now. It has created speculation and an unnecessary agenda for the
club," blasted the MU 49ers manager.
Kieron Dyer won't be standing for any trouble from Newcastle
team-mates for another four years after agreeing a new contract.
Instead of taking the easy buck from a move to Portsmouth, Paulo
Wanchope has taken the easy buck from Qatar side Al-Gharafa Sports
Club.
Wigan have completed the signing of promising young Tranmere full-back
Ryan Taylor for an undisclosed fee and are now turning their
attention to Portuguese star Ze Castro, after a tip-off from the
Special One.
Perennial Micky Adams cohort Paul Watson is attempting to persuade the
Coventry boss he is fit enough to earn a new contract on the club's
pre-season tour to Ibiza; presumably by lasting 'til dawn at
Manumission.
And Brian Deane has made Australian side Perth Glory his eleventh
employers in a career spanning four months shy of 20 years.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE ASHES
Buy the Guardian on Monday and you'll get a special Ashes magazine. Go
on, it'll be worth it.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE
Sign up now for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Is SV Hamburg's mascot named after the team's former masseur? Find out
in the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1524281,00.html
"He had a prosthetic ear and wanted me to sign it!" Garth Crooks tells
all to Small Talk:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1517450,00.html
The Gallery returns tomorrow with a Laurent Robert special; for now,
enjoy Nightclub Patrick in all his glory:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1517210,00.html
If Dolly Parton had found the best internet sports games ever, we'd
never have suffered 9-5:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Richard Williams on the Open and David
Hopps on England's Ashes selection.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: J Jones' letter about Southampton selling overpriced English
strikers for loads of money [yesterday's Fiver letters]. Nottm
Forest, over the years, have sold Garry Birtles and Peter Davenport,
who went from 20 goals a season at Forest to nothing at Man Utd,
Nigel Clough to Liverpool for GBP3m (ditto) as well as Stan
Collymore, who went from potentially the greatest English striker of
his generation to, well, dogging" - Max Newton.
"Re: changes to the offside rule. This is like a fantasy - has anyone
on Ifab ever played football ? Offside is offside. Onside is onside.
Simple. Maybe it could be further complicated? To be offside you must
be less than 5ft tall or left-footed or one-eyed or Belgian?" Graeme
Paterson.
"With Scott Parker and Emre added to the Toon's already midfield-heavy
squad, and Titus Bramble out for three months, I think I've worked
out Sourness' tactical masterplan for next season, a unique 1-9-1
formation. They may not score many goals, but then nobody will ever
get past the massive midfield posse. Just imagine, 38 points and 38
nil-nil draws - the Toon will be the talk of world football" - Daniel
Kennedy.
"Re: Harry Redknapp complaining about Celtic being after his players.
Didn't he do the same thing when he got to Southampton? He plundered
Pompey and now whinges when another ex-manager does the same. The
nerve!" - Teddy.
"For no apparent reason I woke up this morning to find myself
earwormed by Shakira's 'whenever' or 'wherever' or whatever it's
called (it's even more painful when you don't know any of the
words!)" - Colin Jaffray.
"Re: Uses for 35mm film canisters. Perhaps $tevie Me could use one to
store his humility and dignity?" - David Brown.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: David
Brown.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Five Football Replay - Middlesbrough v Sporting Lisbon (4.40am)
Just like that, it's all over for your petty dumping tales. See if we
care. But luckily Cathy Bryant from Manchester has a suggestion for a
new riff: "things you'd joined and wish you hadn't, like societies,
groups etc."
Sky Sports 1: Fifa Futbol Mundial (10pm)
"I once joined a tacky dating agency," she sighs. "The first man I
met through it was like a cross between Hans Moleman and David Brent.
After an hour of torture, I told him gently that I wasn't interested,
whereupon he burst into noisy and abundant tears.
Sky Sports 3: International Badminton (12.30am)
"He continued to sob as I led him from the pub, as I took the bus
with him all the way to the railway station, and was still bawling
when I put him on to his train back to Yorkshire.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"He wrote to me for a whole year afterwards, despite the fact that I
didn't answer once. And I'm not even pretty.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I bet that other Fiverees have joined tackier things with even more
embarrassing results." Well, have you? Send your stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked Rock Soc Wasn't Supposed To Be Like
This.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
CURES FOR RSI?
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.