Post by Salem6 on Jun 23, 2005 16:51:34 GMT
The Fiver
23 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Atomic Wedgie
* * * * * * * * * * * *
FIRST DAY NERVES
As its population's enduring love of shiny nylon sportswear has
proved, Wigan likes to buck trends. So, while newly-promoted teams
before them have arrived in the Premiership trumpeting loudly about
how they've found their true level, the Latics sound more like a team
who've accidentally pitched up at the big boys' end of the playground
and are twitching in anticipation of their very first atomic wedgie.
Twitching with excitement, that is. Told today that they would be
getting slaughtered by Chelsea in their first ever Premiership
encounter, Wigan immediately handed over their lunch money, stuck
their own head down the toilet bowl, pulled the chain and drooled:
"This is fantastic."
What's more, Wigan's season has even been given a fairytale ending
too. With a hiding at Highbury in store on May 7th, survival will
depend on their ability to pick up a few points out of the 36 matches
in between. "When we found out our first and last game it was like
all our Christmases had come at once," shrieked masochistic chief
exec Brenda Spencer, whose appetite for pain appears to know no
bounds. "I told Paul [Jewell] and I can't repeat his reply." St Glenn
of Hoddle may also have blasphemed upon discovering he's got an
opening-day reunion at his old club Southampton to look forward to,
when Wolves will travel to St Mary's to welcome Harry Redknapp and
his new sidekick, English Lions coach Clive Woodward, to the
Championship.
At the other end of the playground, where boss-eyed kids covered in
snot and eczema swap stones and poke dead birds with sticks, former
in-crowders Nottingham Forest are surveying their surroundings with
mortification. They'll be hosting Huddersfield Town on the first day
of the season in League One, followed by a trip to Walsall. "Every
single game is going to be hard," shuddered Gary Megson, consulting
his map, as nearby a pool of warm liquid appeared around Swansea's
feet. "We are where we are and we've got to get our heads around it
and get on with it," he said, with all the enthusiasm of a fat kid
being made to climb a gym rope in his vest and Y-fronts.
Want to know who you're side's playing on the first day of the season?
Click www.guardian.football.co.uk to find out.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"The doctors say he will make a full recovery. Those of us at Real
Madrid are really looking forward to that and he will be a really
important 'signing' for us as we prepare for next season" - Real
Madrid director of football Arrigo Sacchi has not forgotten Jonathan
Woodgate, even if you have.
*********************
ADVERT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get email on your phone:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
RUMOUR MILL
Chelsea have offered AC Milan a whopping GBP57m for Andriy Shevchenko.
Well, GBP48m in used tens and twenties, plus one used Hernan Crespo.
Good news for bland MOR-purveyor and Man Utd fan Chris Rea - Jorge
Andrade isn't overly keen on a move to Newcastle, but likes the cut
of Old Trafford's sward.
Good news for bland MOR-purveyor and Boro fan Chris Rea - Norwich
stopper Robert Green could be calling the Riverside Stadium home next
season.
David Cooper (Tuesday's Fiver letters) will be thrilled to hear that
Escape To Victory stars Mike Summerbee and Pele are coming out of
retirement to join Ronaldinho at Man City next season.
Dvd O'Lry to Everton's Alan Stubbs: "Rm 4u at Vlla"
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
After spotting sporting director Frank Arnesen aboard Roman
Abramovich's yacht, THFC have given Chelsea until noon tomorrow to
cough up some compo.
Ipswich have breasted the tape in the race to sign Swindon striker Sam
Parkin for an undisclosed fee. Norwich, Watford and Brighton are
hunkered down in the gutter, looking tear-stained and out of puff.
Graeme Souness's love affair with Turkey hasn't ended. He's over there
sweet-talking Internazionale midfielder Belozoglu Emre into a move to
Newcastle.
West Brom have finally got Carter. Midfielder Darren will leave Bongo
FC for the Hawthorns and GBP1.5m.
Norway defender Claus Lundekvam has confirmed he is keen to join his
old boss Gordon Strachan at Celtic, but Southampton won't let him go
for a penny less than GBP700,000.
And Norwich have agreed to reverse their opening fixture of next
season and stage the game against Coventry at Carrow Road, subject to
approval from some men in blazers.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Drive off, legally, with a shiny new car in our great competition:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
Draw Nightclub Patrick and win prizes:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1511993,00.html
In tomorrow's 60p Guardian: plot your campaign for the football season
ahead with our full fixtures list, then read Geordan Murphy's
exclusive column as the Lions get ready for their first Test against
the All Blacks.
Follow all the Henman-less action from SW19, in our all-singing,
all-dancing game-by-game reports: sport/guardian.co.uk/wimbledon2005
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"I know it is the most stupid thing I could ever do, but I can't let
Rotherham claim Jive Bunny (yesterday's Fiver letters) for their
Chuckle Brothers-headlining benefit gig. The men behind the bunny
started out as DJs in the Crazy Horse in Nuneaton, a town with few
living stars left, seeing as George Eliot, Larry Grayson and Mary
Whitehouse have all passed to the other side" - Nathan Walker, East
Yorkshire.
"Re: the Fiver's mention of a 1998 Ford Focus Saloon in yesterday's
news in brief. You hacks just can't be bothered with your research,
can you? The Focus replaced the old Escort in October 98 but only in
hatchback form. The saloon did not follow until the following year" -
Liam Whelan.
"Re: yesterday's letter from Raymond Herlihy in which he wrote: 'Why
are nearly all letters (Fiver letters passim) in reference to ones
from the previous days?' My guess is that ... oh why bother? A
million other Fiver readers are certain to beat me to the obvious
gag" - Graham Martin (and a million other Fiver readers).
"Re: the plea in yesterday's Fiver letters for new subjects. Apropos
nothing then, what was that woman going to do with those 10 doves had
Michael Jackson been found guilty?" - Roger Bejinde, Putney.
"You've got to feel sorry for Frank Arnesen. Having booked himself a
well-earned break from the furore surrounding his alleged tapping-up
by Chelsea, he goes and finds himself in exactly the same swanky
sunspot in Sardinia as Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich. What rotten
luck, eh?" - Chris Nickson.
"I just read a quote from AC Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani
acclaiming the 'great economic sacrifice' that Hernan Crespo has made
in order to remain at Milan on loan. At the same time my club,
Cambridge United, are about to be closed down by administrators and
are only still in business due to the efforts of the local fans trust
Cambridge Fans United (CFU). Am I the only one who finds the gap
between the very rich and the very poor in football these days to be
bordering on the obscene?" - Steve Strachan.
"I was just wondering how that bloke's Fantasy Fiver League is going.
Is he winning?" - James Elliott.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Confederations Cup highlights - Brazil v Japan & Greece v Mexico
(1.55am)
The honour of opening your weird Festival experiences riff falls to
Tim George, who tells this shocking tale ...
Argentinian Football (5.10am)
"About ten years ago, I went to the annual Fairport Convention at
Cropredy," he recalls. "It's generally a wonderful time, with lovely
beer and good music. This particular year, however, was different."
Sky Sports 1: Hong Kong Soccer Sevens (7pm)
That's the suspense built up, let's get to the, eh, guts of the
matter. "After quaffing many heavy beers on the Saturday evening, I
slipped away from the main stage area to empty my bowels. As you do.
British Europsort: Live International Football - Spain v
Bosnia-Herzegovina (8pm)
"After queuing for about 10 minutes outside one of the
Portakabin-type toilets - which were reputed to be so flash and
efficient they actually got a mention on the concert flyer - I seated
and performed the necessary, then stood up and flushed.
Confederations Cup (10pm)
"A rather strange rumbling noise ensued, followed almost immediately
by an enormous upward-blast of effluent that drenched me and then
gushed out under the toilet door at a huge rate of knots. I was
totally stunned.
Talksport: Evening kick-off (7pm)
"All my clothes were covered in liquid human filth and drenched in
pee. It was even in my hair and ears. I decided to see if I could
clean my self up a little and found - predictably - that the water
had run out.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
"So I waited there in my little evil-smelling kingdom until it was
dark and everyone had gone. I then crept to my tent, changed my
clothes and stood in the shower for a couple of hours, weeping,
before disposing of my now crusty clothes and going to bed.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"My chums assumed I had wandered off somewhere and I did not admit my
dark secret until weeks later." An excrement tale and no mistake.
Have you been ridiculed at Reading? Gunned down at Glastonbury? Or
been witless at Wittness? Email your weird Festival stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking them Free Food At The Hare Krishna
Tent
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR WHINING AT THE BALL-BOY ABOUT COKE, UMBRELLAS AND
TOWELS, YOU USELESS, FIST-PUMPING, POTTY-MOUTHED BULLY!
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
23 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Atomic Wedgie
* * * * * * * * * * * *
FIRST DAY NERVES
As its population's enduring love of shiny nylon sportswear has
proved, Wigan likes to buck trends. So, while newly-promoted teams
before them have arrived in the Premiership trumpeting loudly about
how they've found their true level, the Latics sound more like a team
who've accidentally pitched up at the big boys' end of the playground
and are twitching in anticipation of their very first atomic wedgie.
Twitching with excitement, that is. Told today that they would be
getting slaughtered by Chelsea in their first ever Premiership
encounter, Wigan immediately handed over their lunch money, stuck
their own head down the toilet bowl, pulled the chain and drooled:
"This is fantastic."
What's more, Wigan's season has even been given a fairytale ending
too. With a hiding at Highbury in store on May 7th, survival will
depend on their ability to pick up a few points out of the 36 matches
in between. "When we found out our first and last game it was like
all our Christmases had come at once," shrieked masochistic chief
exec Brenda Spencer, whose appetite for pain appears to know no
bounds. "I told Paul [Jewell] and I can't repeat his reply." St Glenn
of Hoddle may also have blasphemed upon discovering he's got an
opening-day reunion at his old club Southampton to look forward to,
when Wolves will travel to St Mary's to welcome Harry Redknapp and
his new sidekick, English Lions coach Clive Woodward, to the
Championship.
At the other end of the playground, where boss-eyed kids covered in
snot and eczema swap stones and poke dead birds with sticks, former
in-crowders Nottingham Forest are surveying their surroundings with
mortification. They'll be hosting Huddersfield Town on the first day
of the season in League One, followed by a trip to Walsall. "Every
single game is going to be hard," shuddered Gary Megson, consulting
his map, as nearby a pool of warm liquid appeared around Swansea's
feet. "We are where we are and we've got to get our heads around it
and get on with it," he said, with all the enthusiasm of a fat kid
being made to climb a gym rope in his vest and Y-fronts.
Want to know who you're side's playing on the first day of the season?
Click www.guardian.football.co.uk to find out.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"The doctors say he will make a full recovery. Those of us at Real
Madrid are really looking forward to that and he will be a really
important 'signing' for us as we prepare for next season" - Real
Madrid director of football Arrigo Sacchi has not forgotten Jonathan
Woodgate, even if you have.
*********************
ADVERT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get email on your phone:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
RUMOUR MILL
Chelsea have offered AC Milan a whopping GBP57m for Andriy Shevchenko.
Well, GBP48m in used tens and twenties, plus one used Hernan Crespo.
Good news for bland MOR-purveyor and Man Utd fan Chris Rea - Jorge
Andrade isn't overly keen on a move to Newcastle, but likes the cut
of Old Trafford's sward.
Good news for bland MOR-purveyor and Boro fan Chris Rea - Norwich
stopper Robert Green could be calling the Riverside Stadium home next
season.
David Cooper (Tuesday's Fiver letters) will be thrilled to hear that
Escape To Victory stars Mike Summerbee and Pele are coming out of
retirement to join Ronaldinho at Man City next season.
Dvd O'Lry to Everton's Alan Stubbs: "Rm 4u at Vlla"
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
After spotting sporting director Frank Arnesen aboard Roman
Abramovich's yacht, THFC have given Chelsea until noon tomorrow to
cough up some compo.
Ipswich have breasted the tape in the race to sign Swindon striker Sam
Parkin for an undisclosed fee. Norwich, Watford and Brighton are
hunkered down in the gutter, looking tear-stained and out of puff.
Graeme Souness's love affair with Turkey hasn't ended. He's over there
sweet-talking Internazionale midfielder Belozoglu Emre into a move to
Newcastle.
West Brom have finally got Carter. Midfielder Darren will leave Bongo
FC for the Hawthorns and GBP1.5m.
Norway defender Claus Lundekvam has confirmed he is keen to join his
old boss Gordon Strachan at Celtic, but Southampton won't let him go
for a penny less than GBP700,000.
And Norwich have agreed to reverse their opening fixture of next
season and stage the game against Coventry at Carrow Road, subject to
approval from some men in blazers.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Drive off, legally, with a shiny new car in our great competition:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
Draw Nightclub Patrick and win prizes:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1511993,00.html
In tomorrow's 60p Guardian: plot your campaign for the football season
ahead with our full fixtures list, then read Geordan Murphy's
exclusive column as the Lions get ready for their first Test against
the All Blacks.
Follow all the Henman-less action from SW19, in our all-singing,
all-dancing game-by-game reports: sport/guardian.co.uk/wimbledon2005
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"I know it is the most stupid thing I could ever do, but I can't let
Rotherham claim Jive Bunny (yesterday's Fiver letters) for their
Chuckle Brothers-headlining benefit gig. The men behind the bunny
started out as DJs in the Crazy Horse in Nuneaton, a town with few
living stars left, seeing as George Eliot, Larry Grayson and Mary
Whitehouse have all passed to the other side" - Nathan Walker, East
Yorkshire.
"Re: the Fiver's mention of a 1998 Ford Focus Saloon in yesterday's
news in brief. You hacks just can't be bothered with your research,
can you? The Focus replaced the old Escort in October 98 but only in
hatchback form. The saloon did not follow until the following year" -
Liam Whelan.
"Re: yesterday's letter from Raymond Herlihy in which he wrote: 'Why
are nearly all letters (Fiver letters passim) in reference to ones
from the previous days?' My guess is that ... oh why bother? A
million other Fiver readers are certain to beat me to the obvious
gag" - Graham Martin (and a million other Fiver readers).
"Re: the plea in yesterday's Fiver letters for new subjects. Apropos
nothing then, what was that woman going to do with those 10 doves had
Michael Jackson been found guilty?" - Roger Bejinde, Putney.
"You've got to feel sorry for Frank Arnesen. Having booked himself a
well-earned break from the furore surrounding his alleged tapping-up
by Chelsea, he goes and finds himself in exactly the same swanky
sunspot in Sardinia as Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich. What rotten
luck, eh?" - Chris Nickson.
"I just read a quote from AC Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani
acclaiming the 'great economic sacrifice' that Hernan Crespo has made
in order to remain at Milan on loan. At the same time my club,
Cambridge United, are about to be closed down by administrators and
are only still in business due to the efforts of the local fans trust
Cambridge Fans United (CFU). Am I the only one who finds the gap
between the very rich and the very poor in football these days to be
bordering on the obscene?" - Steve Strachan.
"I was just wondering how that bloke's Fantasy Fiver League is going.
Is he winning?" - James Elliott.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Confederations Cup highlights - Brazil v Japan & Greece v Mexico
(1.55am)
The honour of opening your weird Festival experiences riff falls to
Tim George, who tells this shocking tale ...
Argentinian Football (5.10am)
"About ten years ago, I went to the annual Fairport Convention at
Cropredy," he recalls. "It's generally a wonderful time, with lovely
beer and good music. This particular year, however, was different."
Sky Sports 1: Hong Kong Soccer Sevens (7pm)
That's the suspense built up, let's get to the, eh, guts of the
matter. "After quaffing many heavy beers on the Saturday evening, I
slipped away from the main stage area to empty my bowels. As you do.
British Europsort: Live International Football - Spain v
Bosnia-Herzegovina (8pm)
"After queuing for about 10 minutes outside one of the
Portakabin-type toilets - which were reputed to be so flash and
efficient they actually got a mention on the concert flyer - I seated
and performed the necessary, then stood up and flushed.
Confederations Cup (10pm)
"A rather strange rumbling noise ensued, followed almost immediately
by an enormous upward-blast of effluent that drenched me and then
gushed out under the toilet door at a huge rate of knots. I was
totally stunned.
Talksport: Evening kick-off (7pm)
"All my clothes were covered in liquid human filth and drenched in
pee. It was even in my hair and ears. I decided to see if I could
clean my self up a little and found - predictably - that the water
had run out.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
"So I waited there in my little evil-smelling kingdom until it was
dark and everyone had gone. I then crept to my tent, changed my
clothes and stood in the shower for a couple of hours, weeping,
before disposing of my now crusty clothes and going to bed.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"My chums assumed I had wandered off somewhere and I did not admit my
dark secret until weeks later." An excrement tale and no mistake.
Have you been ridiculed at Reading? Gunned down at Glastonbury? Or
been witless at Wittness? Email your weird Festival stories to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking them Free Food At The Hare Krishna
Tent
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR WHINING AT THE BALL-BOY ABOUT COKE, UMBRELLAS AND
TOWELS, YOU USELESS, FIST-PUMPING, POTTY-MOUTHED BULLY!
The Fiver was written by Georgina Turner. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester