Post by Salem6 on Jun 2, 2005 16:32:51 GMT
The Fiver
02 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: War
* * * * * * * * * * * *
REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLE
When the Fiver read the giant headline that said: "Chelsea: we want
revenge" on the back page of Lahn's Lahn E'nin' Stannah today, it was
a tad confused. After all, surely the Premiership champions should be
relieved at being fined the kind of chump-change Roman Abramovich
keeps in a Russian doll for tapping-up Ashley Cole? But as we
struggled to stay awake throughout the story that followed, all
gradually became as clear as a Magic Eye picture seen through a set
of treacle-coated bog-snorkelling goggles on a very dark night.
Displaying the kind of laughable paranoia you'd normally associate
with a Fiver-reading Liverpool fan, Chelsea have decided that
Arsenal's vice-chairman David Dein has been pursuing a personal
vendetta against them and have sworn to exact a terrible retribution.
Not so much revenge of the Sith, then, as revenge of the shi ...
well, do we have to spell out every lame gag?
According to the Stannah, Chelsea are enraged because the club whose
player they tried to seduce refused to let bygones be bygones when a
peace pact was suggested a mere 24 hours later. And as if that wasn't
bad enough, Dein then called for them to be punished severely! "We're
disappointed that Arsenal chose to pursue this course of action,"
harrumphed Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck. "It was counter-productive to
them, to Ashley Cole and, of course, to us. We have to consider what
action to take as a consequence. It will be very difficult for us to
forget this."
And as Arsene Wenger trembled with terror, his counterpart at Stamford
Bridge was expressing his unbridled delight at being fined a mere
GBP200,000 for his part in the revelations that surprised nobody. "We
are not content," spat Jose Mourinho, stroking a furry white cat
named Adriano in the dormant volcano he calls home. "Therefore the
legal department of Chelsea will continue to analyse the situation."
Which, if the Fiver's experience of dealing with legal departments is
anything to go by, means all sorts of non-football-related
unpleasantness is almost certainly guarant ... [That's enough - Fiver
Lawyers].
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Win GBP10,000 with Observer Food Monthly and Seeds of Change. Enter
your picture in our photography competition inspired by the phrase
"Feed your imagination". observer.guardian.co.uk/seedsofchange
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I've spoken to Graeme Souness and he said he wants me and five or six
others. He said that he wants to rebuild and that next season
Newcastle are going for a Big Cup place ... and will even try for the
Premier League title" - Surely Hamburg defender Daniel van Buyten
hasn't swallowed Snakeoil Souness's spiel?
*********************
STILL WANT MORE
Djibril Cisse pimps yo' ride in this week's brilliant Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1496712,00.html
Follow all the action from Women's Euro 2005 with Georgina Turner's
blog: blogs.guardian.co.uk/euro2005/
Did London actually once field a combined XI in Europe? Find out in
the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1496157,00.html
*********************
BUMPER SUMMER RUMOUR MILL
Former Liverpool boss Gerard Houllier will make his presence at Lyon
felt immediately with a move for Milan Baros. Could Bruno Cheyrou, Mr
Em and Nick Barmby be next?
Despite their all-too-clear defensive frailties displayed at the end
of the season, Milan will splash out and pip all-comers to the
signature of Parma striker Alberto Gilardino.
Just like that ex-Hollyoaks 'actor' off Celebrity Love Island, Watford
just won't take 'no' for an answer; they're going back with a third
bid for Swindon forward Sam Parkin.
Real Madrid have grown so peeved at the sight of Luis Figo foraging
fruitlessly on their wing that they've offered him to Boro on loan
and even hinted they'd be prepared to continue paying half his
GBP80,000 salary.
Speaking of Boro, Bolo Zenden's dad, Mr Zenden, says Liverpool are
interested in the Dutch winger.
Meanwhile David O'Leary's stll hpng Man City wll gv him Sylvain Distin
for GBP5.5m.
Long-time Bolton target Juanito has turned his back on Big Sam in
favour of Big Cup football with Villarreal.
And, finally, Benfica coach Giovanni Trapattoni is favourite to
succeed the outgoing Giuseppe Papadopulo at Lazio.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE
Don't spend your days watching Trisha when you can play the best
sports internet games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
FREE! FREE! FREE! Sign up now for our free desktop news alerts:
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Kevin McCarra on how Chelsea helped
shatter fans' illusions and Robert Kitson on the power of Gethin
Jenkins.
* * * * * * * * * * *
BUMPER SUMMER NEWS IN BRIEF
'Kachloulgate' rumbles on, with Livingston branding Dundee and
Dunfermline "ridiculous" for their objection to the Moroccan's
signing on amateur terms.
Barnsley have gone transfer barmy, swooping for Scunthorpe pair Paul
Hayes and Richard Kell, as well as Swindon's Brian Howard.
After waving a tearful goodbye to Darren Bent, Ipswich chairman David
Sheepshanks has revealed he has received a "seven-figure bid" for
goalkeeper Kelvin Davis from Sunderland.
Barcelona vice-president Sandro Rosell and director Josep Maria
Bartomeu have become the latest big wigs to walk out in protest at
president Joan Laporta's handling of the club. "The board has lost
its original spirit and its transparency," groaned Rosell. "There is
no longer any confidence and there has been a growth of suspicion."
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"If the FA's rule K3 says that a club can't talk to another club's
player without permission (pause for breath), and K5 says that a
player can't talk to another club without permission... does that
mean that rule K4 says that a club can't talk to their own players
without their own permission? Maybe this explains Graeme Souness'
great history of man-management?" - Chris Nathan.
"Haven't we had enough of lawyers slugging it out? Liverpool - good
job, but you didn't qualify for next season's Big Cup. Chelsea,
Mourinho and Cole - you broke the rules, you deserve a fitting and
fair punishment. Stop getting your lawyers to write you a note" - Jon
Logie.
"It's good to see that Uriah Rennie is taking full advantage of his
summer sabbatical by appearing in Big Brother VI. You go Uriah!" -
Philip Taylor.
"Re: Oliver Milman's email about 'bitter dullards' complaining about
Liverpool. Surely six minutes of sloppy defending from Milan does not
suddenly turn Liverpool into an exciting side? Bar that, and the
first half-hour against Juve, they stuck 10 men behind the ball all
the way through the quarter-finals, semis and final. That's why
everyone believes they don't deserve it" - Alan Munro.
"I'm not about to defend Kewell and Viduka, injured or not. But, how
ironic to have Stuart Holden (formerly of the USA - keep those stones
in your pocket mate!) in yesterday's Fiver commenting on the 'local'
intellect here in Australia. Besides as Dr Johnson said, all
intellectual improvement arises from leisure and our country really
is the place for such idle contemplation" - John Tuck, Brisbane.
"Re: whinging Australians. If our Australian friends concentrated less
on their sporting pride and more on day-to-day business issues,
perhaps they'd be able to build a major sporting stadium on time?" -
Phil Taylor [no relation to the aforementioned Philip Taylor, darts
player Phil 'The Power', or ex Motorhead drummer Philthy Phil 'The
Animal' Taylor we presume - Fiver ed].
"Thanks for the Fiver this season. Of the 300-odd emails I get every
day, the only one I look forward to is this one" - Benjamin Preston.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please, our sub-editor doesn't want to spend his day reading
1,000-word rants - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Argentinian Football (2.10am)
"How come no one has mentioned the ultimate in unhinged supporter
activity during the season just past?" asks a bemused Ken O'Shea.
"COME ON! LET'S BE HAVING YOU!" Yep, it's another day of your weird
fan tales.
US Major League Soccerball (4.35am)
Speaking of which, Alan Nocker remembers a strange fan interrupting
Grimsby's home game against Newcastle on Boxing Day, back in the day.
British Eurosport: Live U21 Football - Portugal v South Korea (5.30pm)
"The ground was full, the atmosphere great. The only problem was that
my brother and I couldn't see because a big bloke with a thick
moustache, who was wearing pyjamas and a black and white hat, was
looking straight at my brother instead of the game.
Live U21 Football - England v Tunisia (7.30pm)
"Eventually my brother made the mistake of asking him what he was
doing. Only then did we realise that his black and white hat had
nothing to do with the mighty Mariners. A Geordie. Out of his head.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"We still don't know how it happened but in a tightly-packed stand a
huge space opened around him.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"He didn't like that one bit and turned to our local hardmen and
invited them to come and get him. The last I saw of him he was being
thrown over the fencing and on to the pitch.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"We drew 2-2. We were robbed." Have you suffered on the terraces?
Then confess all to the.boss@guardian.co.uk marked: I Thought He'd
Never End.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
GIVE MORE
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate
02 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: War
* * * * * * * * * * * *
REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLE
When the Fiver read the giant headline that said: "Chelsea: we want
revenge" on the back page of Lahn's Lahn E'nin' Stannah today, it was
a tad confused. After all, surely the Premiership champions should be
relieved at being fined the kind of chump-change Roman Abramovich
keeps in a Russian doll for tapping-up Ashley Cole? But as we
struggled to stay awake throughout the story that followed, all
gradually became as clear as a Magic Eye picture seen through a set
of treacle-coated bog-snorkelling goggles on a very dark night.
Displaying the kind of laughable paranoia you'd normally associate
with a Fiver-reading Liverpool fan, Chelsea have decided that
Arsenal's vice-chairman David Dein has been pursuing a personal
vendetta against them and have sworn to exact a terrible retribution.
Not so much revenge of the Sith, then, as revenge of the shi ...
well, do we have to spell out every lame gag?
According to the Stannah, Chelsea are enraged because the club whose
player they tried to seduce refused to let bygones be bygones when a
peace pact was suggested a mere 24 hours later. And as if that wasn't
bad enough, Dein then called for them to be punished severely! "We're
disappointed that Arsenal chose to pursue this course of action,"
harrumphed Chelsea chairman Bruce Buck. "It was counter-productive to
them, to Ashley Cole and, of course, to us. We have to consider what
action to take as a consequence. It will be very difficult for us to
forget this."
And as Arsene Wenger trembled with terror, his counterpart at Stamford
Bridge was expressing his unbridled delight at being fined a mere
GBP200,000 for his part in the revelations that surprised nobody. "We
are not content," spat Jose Mourinho, stroking a furry white cat
named Adriano in the dormant volcano he calls home. "Therefore the
legal department of Chelsea will continue to analyse the situation."
Which, if the Fiver's experience of dealing with legal departments is
anything to go by, means all sorts of non-football-related
unpleasantness is almost certainly guarant ... [That's enough - Fiver
Lawyers].
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Win GBP10,000 with Observer Food Monthly and Seeds of Change. Enter
your picture in our photography competition inspired by the phrase
"Feed your imagination". observer.guardian.co.uk/seedsofchange
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I've spoken to Graeme Souness and he said he wants me and five or six
others. He said that he wants to rebuild and that next season
Newcastle are going for a Big Cup place ... and will even try for the
Premier League title" - Surely Hamburg defender Daniel van Buyten
hasn't swallowed Snakeoil Souness's spiel?
*********************
STILL WANT MORE
Djibril Cisse pimps yo' ride in this week's brilliant Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1496712,00.html
Follow all the action from Women's Euro 2005 with Georgina Turner's
blog: blogs.guardian.co.uk/euro2005/
Did London actually once field a combined XI in Europe? Find out in
the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1496157,00.html
*********************
BUMPER SUMMER RUMOUR MILL
Former Liverpool boss Gerard Houllier will make his presence at Lyon
felt immediately with a move for Milan Baros. Could Bruno Cheyrou, Mr
Em and Nick Barmby be next?
Despite their all-too-clear defensive frailties displayed at the end
of the season, Milan will splash out and pip all-comers to the
signature of Parma striker Alberto Gilardino.
Just like that ex-Hollyoaks 'actor' off Celebrity Love Island, Watford
just won't take 'no' for an answer; they're going back with a third
bid for Swindon forward Sam Parkin.
Real Madrid have grown so peeved at the sight of Luis Figo foraging
fruitlessly on their wing that they've offered him to Boro on loan
and even hinted they'd be prepared to continue paying half his
GBP80,000 salary.
Speaking of Boro, Bolo Zenden's dad, Mr Zenden, says Liverpool are
interested in the Dutch winger.
Meanwhile David O'Leary's stll hpng Man City wll gv him Sylvain Distin
for GBP5.5m.
Long-time Bolton target Juanito has turned his back on Big Sam in
favour of Big Cup football with Villarreal.
And, finally, Benfica coach Giovanni Trapattoni is favourite to
succeed the outgoing Giuseppe Papadopulo at Lazio.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE
Don't spend your days watching Trisha when you can play the best
sports internet games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
FREE! FREE! FREE! Sign up now for our free desktop news alerts:
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Kevin McCarra on how Chelsea helped
shatter fans' illusions and Robert Kitson on the power of Gethin
Jenkins.
* * * * * * * * * * *
BUMPER SUMMER NEWS IN BRIEF
'Kachloulgate' rumbles on, with Livingston branding Dundee and
Dunfermline "ridiculous" for their objection to the Moroccan's
signing on amateur terms.
Barnsley have gone transfer barmy, swooping for Scunthorpe pair Paul
Hayes and Richard Kell, as well as Swindon's Brian Howard.
After waving a tearful goodbye to Darren Bent, Ipswich chairman David
Sheepshanks has revealed he has received a "seven-figure bid" for
goalkeeper Kelvin Davis from Sunderland.
Barcelona vice-president Sandro Rosell and director Josep Maria
Bartomeu have become the latest big wigs to walk out in protest at
president Joan Laporta's handling of the club. "The board has lost
its original spirit and its transparency," groaned Rosell. "There is
no longer any confidence and there has been a growth of suspicion."
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"If the FA's rule K3 says that a club can't talk to another club's
player without permission (pause for breath), and K5 says that a
player can't talk to another club without permission... does that
mean that rule K4 says that a club can't talk to their own players
without their own permission? Maybe this explains Graeme Souness'
great history of man-management?" - Chris Nathan.
"Haven't we had enough of lawyers slugging it out? Liverpool - good
job, but you didn't qualify for next season's Big Cup. Chelsea,
Mourinho and Cole - you broke the rules, you deserve a fitting and
fair punishment. Stop getting your lawyers to write you a note" - Jon
Logie.
"It's good to see that Uriah Rennie is taking full advantage of his
summer sabbatical by appearing in Big Brother VI. You go Uriah!" -
Philip Taylor.
"Re: Oliver Milman's email about 'bitter dullards' complaining about
Liverpool. Surely six minutes of sloppy defending from Milan does not
suddenly turn Liverpool into an exciting side? Bar that, and the
first half-hour against Juve, they stuck 10 men behind the ball all
the way through the quarter-finals, semis and final. That's why
everyone believes they don't deserve it" - Alan Munro.
"I'm not about to defend Kewell and Viduka, injured or not. But, how
ironic to have Stuart Holden (formerly of the USA - keep those stones
in your pocket mate!) in yesterday's Fiver commenting on the 'local'
intellect here in Australia. Besides as Dr Johnson said, all
intellectual improvement arises from leisure and our country really
is the place for such idle contemplation" - John Tuck, Brisbane.
"Re: whinging Australians. If our Australian friends concentrated less
on their sporting pride and more on day-to-day business issues,
perhaps they'd be able to build a major sporting stadium on time?" -
Phil Taylor [no relation to the aforementioned Philip Taylor, darts
player Phil 'The Power', or ex Motorhead drummer Philthy Phil 'The
Animal' Taylor we presume - Fiver ed].
"Thanks for the Fiver this season. Of the 300-odd emails I get every
day, the only one I look forward to is this one" - Benjamin Preston.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please, our sub-editor doesn't want to spend his day reading
1,000-word rants - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Argentinian Football (2.10am)
"How come no one has mentioned the ultimate in unhinged supporter
activity during the season just past?" asks a bemused Ken O'Shea.
"COME ON! LET'S BE HAVING YOU!" Yep, it's another day of your weird
fan tales.
US Major League Soccerball (4.35am)
Speaking of which, Alan Nocker remembers a strange fan interrupting
Grimsby's home game against Newcastle on Boxing Day, back in the day.
British Eurosport: Live U21 Football - Portugal v South Korea (5.30pm)
"The ground was full, the atmosphere great. The only problem was that
my brother and I couldn't see because a big bloke with a thick
moustache, who was wearing pyjamas and a black and white hat, was
looking straight at my brother instead of the game.
Live U21 Football - England v Tunisia (7.30pm)
"Eventually my brother made the mistake of asking him what he was
doing. Only then did we realise that his black and white hat had
nothing to do with the mighty Mariners. A Geordie. Out of his head.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"We still don't know how it happened but in a tightly-packed stand a
huge space opened around him.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"He didn't like that one bit and turned to our local hardmen and
invited them to come and get him. The last I saw of him he was being
thrown over the fencing and on to the pitch.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"We drew 2-2. We were robbed." Have you suffered on the terraces?
Then confess all to the.boss@guardian.co.uk marked: I Thought He'd
Never End.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
GIVE MORE
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate