Post by Salem6 on May 20, 2005 15:15:21 GMT
The Fiver
20 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Sing Sing,
and Scream
* * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDDIE'S NOT DEAD
When Weird Uncle Fiver got parole from that nine-stretch in Sing Sing
he doesn't like to talk about, his enjoyment of his new-found liberty
was tempered by a searing pain in his nether regions. It seems that
in an attempt to fend off the advances of his overly "friendly"
cell-mate, Weird Uncle Fiver had tattooed the Man Utd Galaxy
Shareholders' motto "Not for sale" across his lower lumbar "area",
using some rust from his cell bars and a filed-down toothbrush
handle, only to give himself a nasty dose of poisoning in the
process.
So spare a thought for Arsenal underwear model Freddie Ljungberg, the
"terrified" subject of a mysterious recent health scare, who feared
he had cancer and even underwent an HIV test before doctors
discovered that, like Weird Uncle Fiver, he was being poisoned by the
ink from his tattoos. But like a misunderstood child-murderer in a
lucrative slasher-movie franchise, Freddie's back ... and has been
given the all-clear to play against Manchester United in tomorrow's
FA Cup final. And what's more, he'll be wearing a brand new pair of
space-age boots that a company we're not prepared to pander to by
naming is paying him over GBP4.5m to wear.
Of course, given Arsenal's opposition, it's safe to assume that
Freddie will also be wearing his shin-pads. "We know they are going
to kick us a little bit but we have to stand up. We cannot be
intimidated," simpered Freddie, as Roy Keane, Wayne Rooney and Gary
Neville sidled out of the shadows wearing a scary
baseball-cap-and-hoodie combos. "Of course there is always a tactical
aspect to their physical game that you have to respect. We like to
play fluently. If there are free-kicks all the time, we can't play
fast." But with Neville, Jose Reyes's nemesis, likely to miss out
because of his Asbo (Don't you mean groin strain? - Fiver Ed) the
Spaniard will at least get a chance to play tomorrow, if not at his
usual high speed.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE: FA CUP FINAL SPECIAL
Betting guru James Eastham picks out the game's best bets:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1487609,00.html
Jon Brodkin: the five minutes that made 1979's final so unforgettable:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1488380,00.html
Gordon Strachan on why Sir Alex has the know-how to stifle Arsenal:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1488238,00.html
"You never know what's going to happen, it will be 50-50." Patrick
Vieira speaks exclusively to Michael Walker ahead of tomorrow's game:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1485482,00.html
*********************
ADVERT
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get started. www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Maybe. But when I finish playing football I just want to teach
children in my academy" - David Beckham, in true Sven
never-getting-off-the-wall style, refuses to rule out becoming a
spaceman when he quits the game.
*********************
NO NORTHERN LIGHTS
Just as funeral formalities will force some poor priest to find
something positive to say about the Duke of Edinburgh when the old
goat eventually bleats his last, The Fiver today feels compelled to
offer a few kind words for the Scottish Premierleague as its seasons
staggers to its dying day. Compelled but, alas, unable.
True, the Glasgow twins go into the last day separated by just two
points, with the Queen's Celtic knowing an away victory over woeful
Motherwell will secure the title ahead of the Pope's O'Rangers, who
need to beat Hibs and pray to the Great Catholic God In the Sky for a
rare miracle. But while the closeness of the finish will probably
ensure a degree of drama, so did Cagney and Lacey. And no one can say
that was enjoyable.
The fact is that the probable coronation of Her Majesty's Hoops will
actually prove how poor the SPL has been this season. Alan Thompson,
who reckons "it would be one of the worst days of my career" if
O'Rangers were to win on Sunday, is so far past his sell-by date some
fans suspect the green on his jersey is actually mould; Neil Lennon,
Stan Varga and Chris Sutton have all made similarly pungent declines.
Even the breakthrough of talented young bucks Aiden McGeady and James
Beattie cannot conceal the fact that this season has been dull, dull,
dull in Scotland. Oh sorry, that should have been Craig Beattie.
Force of habit.
*********************
BUMPER RUMOUR MILL
Barcelona president Joan Laporta will up his bid for Thierry Henry
after sealing a shirt sponsorship deal to promote the Beijing
Olympics.
Bryan Robson's clearly still drunk on West Brom's Premiership
survival, having placed a GBP20m price tag around Zoltan Gera's neck.
Like a Hollyoaks who won't take no for an answer on a reality TV show,
Chelsea are more determined than ever to get into bed with Barcelona
striker Samuel Eto'o.
A case of once bitten, still not shy for Portsmouth, who will return
to Preston with GBP2m earmarked for hotshot David Nugent, despite
being burnt over Ricardo Fuller earlier this season.
Lord Ferg will splash 75% of Malcolm Glazer's potential transfer kitty
by giving Real Madrid GBP15m for Michael Owen.
Lanky beanpole slugfest alert! Blackburn will cross Southampton's palm
with GBP5m for Peter Crouch and Kevin Phillips...
...but Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez hopes to pinch the giant
BFG-a-like if a move for Feyenoord's Dirk Kuyt is grounded.
Juan Roman Riquelme has rebuffed THFC, who may now make a move on his
slightly less attractive fellow Argentine Andres D'Alessandro.
Having been chastened by club paymasters for not playing enough
Icelanders, Stoke manager Tony Pulis is duly closing in on Watford's
Heidar Helguson.
And Bristol Rovers are on course to pip Bristol City in the race to
sign Matt Hewlett from Swindon.
* * * * * * * * * * *
20 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Sing Sing,
and Scream
* * * * * * * * * * * *
FREDDIE'S NOT DEAD
When Weird Uncle Fiver got parole from that nine-stretch in Sing Sing
he doesn't like to talk about, his enjoyment of his new-found liberty
was tempered by a searing pain in his nether regions. It seems that
in an attempt to fend off the advances of his overly "friendly"
cell-mate, Weird Uncle Fiver had tattooed the Man Utd Galaxy
Shareholders' motto "Not for sale" across his lower lumbar "area",
using some rust from his cell bars and a filed-down toothbrush
handle, only to give himself a nasty dose of poisoning in the
process.
So spare a thought for Arsenal underwear model Freddie Ljungberg, the
"terrified" subject of a mysterious recent health scare, who feared
he had cancer and even underwent an HIV test before doctors
discovered that, like Weird Uncle Fiver, he was being poisoned by the
ink from his tattoos. But like a misunderstood child-murderer in a
lucrative slasher-movie franchise, Freddie's back ... and has been
given the all-clear to play against Manchester United in tomorrow's
FA Cup final. And what's more, he'll be wearing a brand new pair of
space-age boots that a company we're not prepared to pander to by
naming is paying him over GBP4.5m to wear.
Of course, given Arsenal's opposition, it's safe to assume that
Freddie will also be wearing his shin-pads. "We know they are going
to kick us a little bit but we have to stand up. We cannot be
intimidated," simpered Freddie, as Roy Keane, Wayne Rooney and Gary
Neville sidled out of the shadows wearing a scary
baseball-cap-and-hoodie combos. "Of course there is always a tactical
aspect to their physical game that you have to respect. We like to
play fluently. If there are free-kicks all the time, we can't play
fast." But with Neville, Jose Reyes's nemesis, likely to miss out
because of his Asbo (Don't you mean groin strain? - Fiver Ed) the
Spaniard will at least get a chance to play tomorrow, if not at his
usual high speed.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE: FA CUP FINAL SPECIAL
Betting guru James Eastham picks out the game's best bets:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1487609,00.html
Jon Brodkin: the five minutes that made 1979's final so unforgettable:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1488380,00.html
Gordon Strachan on why Sir Alex has the know-how to stifle Arsenal:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1488238,00.html
"You never know what's going to happen, it will be 50-50." Patrick
Vieira speaks exclusively to Michael Walker ahead of tomorrow's game:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1485482,00.html
*********************
ADVERT
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get started. www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Maybe. But when I finish playing football I just want to teach
children in my academy" - David Beckham, in true Sven
never-getting-off-the-wall style, refuses to rule out becoming a
spaceman when he quits the game.
*********************
NO NORTHERN LIGHTS
Just as funeral formalities will force some poor priest to find
something positive to say about the Duke of Edinburgh when the old
goat eventually bleats his last, The Fiver today feels compelled to
offer a few kind words for the Scottish Premierleague as its seasons
staggers to its dying day. Compelled but, alas, unable.
True, the Glasgow twins go into the last day separated by just two
points, with the Queen's Celtic knowing an away victory over woeful
Motherwell will secure the title ahead of the Pope's O'Rangers, who
need to beat Hibs and pray to the Great Catholic God In the Sky for a
rare miracle. But while the closeness of the finish will probably
ensure a degree of drama, so did Cagney and Lacey. And no one can say
that was enjoyable.
The fact is that the probable coronation of Her Majesty's Hoops will
actually prove how poor the SPL has been this season. Alan Thompson,
who reckons "it would be one of the worst days of my career" if
O'Rangers were to win on Sunday, is so far past his sell-by date some
fans suspect the green on his jersey is actually mould; Neil Lennon,
Stan Varga and Chris Sutton have all made similarly pungent declines.
Even the breakthrough of talented young bucks Aiden McGeady and James
Beattie cannot conceal the fact that this season has been dull, dull,
dull in Scotland. Oh sorry, that should have been Craig Beattie.
Force of habit.
*********************
BUMPER RUMOUR MILL
Barcelona president Joan Laporta will up his bid for Thierry Henry
after sealing a shirt sponsorship deal to promote the Beijing
Olympics.
Bryan Robson's clearly still drunk on West Brom's Premiership
survival, having placed a GBP20m price tag around Zoltan Gera's neck.
Like a Hollyoaks who won't take no for an answer on a reality TV show,
Chelsea are more determined than ever to get into bed with Barcelona
striker Samuel Eto'o.
A case of once bitten, still not shy for Portsmouth, who will return
to Preston with GBP2m earmarked for hotshot David Nugent, despite
being burnt over Ricardo Fuller earlier this season.
Lord Ferg will splash 75% of Malcolm Glazer's potential transfer kitty
by giving Real Madrid GBP15m for Michael Owen.
Lanky beanpole slugfest alert! Blackburn will cross Southampton's palm
with GBP5m for Peter Crouch and Kevin Phillips...
...but Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez hopes to pinch the giant
BFG-a-like if a move for Feyenoord's Dirk Kuyt is grounded.
Juan Roman Riquelme has rebuffed THFC, who may now make a move on his
slightly less attractive fellow Argentine Andres D'Alessandro.
Having been chastened by club paymasters for not playing enough
Icelanders, Stoke manager Tony Pulis is duly closing in on Watford's
Heidar Helguson.
And Bristol Rovers are on course to pip Bristol City in the race to
sign Matt Hewlett from Swindon.
* * * * * * * * * * *