Post by Salem6 on May 18, 2005 15:54:22 GMT
The Fiver
18 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Sick,
and Homesick
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GLAZER, AGAIN
There are two schools of thought on Malcolm Glazer. One is that, while
he's big-boned and looks like Robin Cook's uglier brother, he must
have a plan - and probably a cunning one at that - to exploit the
lucrative United $occerballs of Manchester brand even further. The
other is that he's a fat, asset-stripping, Yank who'll bankrupt the
Red Devils by creaming off profits to pay back the debts he incurred
buying the club. After today's events, the Fiver suggests a maximum
punt on the latter.
You see, until this morning, Glazer's most obvious cash-cow was to
persuade the European Community that the current collective
Premiership TV deal was anti-competitive. If he succeeded, the sounds
of loud kerchings would ring around Old Trafford, and United would've
been able to charge GBP20 a game on MUTV. But those Brussels
bureaucrats are having none of it! "He might try to do that but
there's no way we'd become involved," waffled EC competition
spokesman Jonathon Todd. "We do not have a problem with the principle
of collective selling." In other words: stick it, fatboy.
Meanwhile, with Gary Neville and Gabriel Heinze almost certainly out
of Saturday's FA Cup final, Sir Alex Ferguson has begged United fans
from Devon to Deptford not to protest in Cardiff against the takeover
by wearing black. "We will have a united front on Saturday, players
and supporters together, to win this cup," Ferguson insisted, before
adjusting his Metallica T-shirt, strumming gently on his guitar, and
adding: "Nothing else matters." Hmm. Try telling that to $occerballs
fans...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Win a 14-strip Umbro kit for your Sunday League team worth GBP600:
football.guardian.co.uk/competition/0,13349,1480038,00.html
Is Everton's European qualification with a negative goal difference
unique? Find out in the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1485832,00.html
Kevin McCarra: why Arsenal and Man Utd are both looking out for No1s:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1486459,00.html
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I always think that I would have become an actor if I hadn't been a
soccer player" - Pele reveals to the world that he's planning to make
Escape to Victory 2. Seriously. Rio Ferdinand as Croker and Peter
Kenyon as Bridger, anybody?
*********************
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Homesickness is usually the reserve of children packed off to boarding
houses run by nuns with neo-Nazi leanings so that mummy and daddy can
invite the Fletching-Whittakers to Gstaad for the spring. Or, indeed,
Kansas gals whipped up in a tornado and dumped in a huddle of winged
monkeys on rollerskates. Nowhere in the rules does it say that a
grown man, who has followed a considerable wedge of cash across an
inconsiderable stretch of water to score goals, can turn to this
defence when he fails spectacularly to perform.
But, having demonstrated the first touch of a dazed dugong on one too
many an occasion last season, Didier Drogba isn't interested in
rules. He's in the business of excuses. "Life in England is not
easy," he wailed, as beancounters checked and rechecked the
GBP1.5m-per-goal appearing on the calculator. "I feel homesick. This
is so different from what I knew," he continued, clicking his sparkly
red heels together. Just then, however, Chelsea's very own Jim'll Fix
It appeared in his shimmering nylon overalls, dragging behind him
their failsafe solution: a barrel full of money.
GBP30m, to be precise, all addressed to Barcelona for Samuel Eto'o. "I
will be with Chelsea next year unless they decide to kick me out,"
Drogba blurted, managing a full-pelt retreat without stumbling over
his own studs. "The coach fully trusts me. Mourinho knows better than
anyone what I brought to the team," he insisted, as Jose adopted the
look of a man who's just remembered exactly why the staff in that
karaoke bar looked at him strangely. "He knows, like me, that I will
be even better next year." Getting even halfway to justifying the
money would be a start, eh, Didier?
*********************
BUMPER RUMOUR MILL
Bad news for Ashley Cole. Chelsea have opened talks with Athletic
Bilbao over a swoop for left-back Asier Del Horno.
With Nightclub Patrick Kluivert disco-dancing his way out of St
James's Park, the Magpies will replace him with either Robbie Keane
or Luis Boa Morte.
As well as Antti Niemi, Southampton could soon be losing fellow
goalkeeper Paul Smith, with Sunderland and Newcastle both sniffing
around.
Wrexham's Argentine hotshot Juan Ugarte has Cardiff, Leeds, Crewe and
Sheffield United lining up behind him in a Benny Hill-esque chase.
Cork City striker Kevin Doyle, one of the hottest properties in the
Irish game, is attracting the attention of Aberdeen, QPR and Reading.
Jug-eared Charlton forward Francis Jeffers will be allowed to leave
for a cut-price GBP1m.
And Rangers want Swedish international Tobias Hysen, the spawn of
former Liverpool defender Glenn.
* * * * * * * * * * *
18 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Sick,
and Homesick
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GLAZER, AGAIN
There are two schools of thought on Malcolm Glazer. One is that, while
he's big-boned and looks like Robin Cook's uglier brother, he must
have a plan - and probably a cunning one at that - to exploit the
lucrative United $occerballs of Manchester brand even further. The
other is that he's a fat, asset-stripping, Yank who'll bankrupt the
Red Devils by creaming off profits to pay back the debts he incurred
buying the club. After today's events, the Fiver suggests a maximum
punt on the latter.
You see, until this morning, Glazer's most obvious cash-cow was to
persuade the European Community that the current collective
Premiership TV deal was anti-competitive. If he succeeded, the sounds
of loud kerchings would ring around Old Trafford, and United would've
been able to charge GBP20 a game on MUTV. But those Brussels
bureaucrats are having none of it! "He might try to do that but
there's no way we'd become involved," waffled EC competition
spokesman Jonathon Todd. "We do not have a problem with the principle
of collective selling." In other words: stick it, fatboy.
Meanwhile, with Gary Neville and Gabriel Heinze almost certainly out
of Saturday's FA Cup final, Sir Alex Ferguson has begged United fans
from Devon to Deptford not to protest in Cardiff against the takeover
by wearing black. "We will have a united front on Saturday, players
and supporters together, to win this cup," Ferguson insisted, before
adjusting his Metallica T-shirt, strumming gently on his guitar, and
adding: "Nothing else matters." Hmm. Try telling that to $occerballs
fans...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Win a 14-strip Umbro kit for your Sunday League team worth GBP600:
football.guardian.co.uk/competition/0,13349,1480038,00.html
Is Everton's European qualification with a negative goal difference
unique? Find out in the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1485832,00.html
Kevin McCarra: why Arsenal and Man Utd are both looking out for No1s:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1486459,00.html
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I always think that I would have become an actor if I hadn't been a
soccer player" - Pele reveals to the world that he's planning to make
Escape to Victory 2. Seriously. Rio Ferdinand as Croker and Peter
Kenyon as Bridger, anybody?
*********************
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Homesickness is usually the reserve of children packed off to boarding
houses run by nuns with neo-Nazi leanings so that mummy and daddy can
invite the Fletching-Whittakers to Gstaad for the spring. Or, indeed,
Kansas gals whipped up in a tornado and dumped in a huddle of winged
monkeys on rollerskates. Nowhere in the rules does it say that a
grown man, who has followed a considerable wedge of cash across an
inconsiderable stretch of water to score goals, can turn to this
defence when he fails spectacularly to perform.
But, having demonstrated the first touch of a dazed dugong on one too
many an occasion last season, Didier Drogba isn't interested in
rules. He's in the business of excuses. "Life in England is not
easy," he wailed, as beancounters checked and rechecked the
GBP1.5m-per-goal appearing on the calculator. "I feel homesick. This
is so different from what I knew," he continued, clicking his sparkly
red heels together. Just then, however, Chelsea's very own Jim'll Fix
It appeared in his shimmering nylon overalls, dragging behind him
their failsafe solution: a barrel full of money.
GBP30m, to be precise, all addressed to Barcelona for Samuel Eto'o. "I
will be with Chelsea next year unless they decide to kick me out,"
Drogba blurted, managing a full-pelt retreat without stumbling over
his own studs. "The coach fully trusts me. Mourinho knows better than
anyone what I brought to the team," he insisted, as Jose adopted the
look of a man who's just remembered exactly why the staff in that
karaoke bar looked at him strangely. "He knows, like me, that I will
be even better next year." Getting even halfway to justifying the
money would be a start, eh, Didier?
*********************
BUMPER RUMOUR MILL
Bad news for Ashley Cole. Chelsea have opened talks with Athletic
Bilbao over a swoop for left-back Asier Del Horno.
With Nightclub Patrick Kluivert disco-dancing his way out of St
James's Park, the Magpies will replace him with either Robbie Keane
or Luis Boa Morte.
As well as Antti Niemi, Southampton could soon be losing fellow
goalkeeper Paul Smith, with Sunderland and Newcastle both sniffing
around.
Wrexham's Argentine hotshot Juan Ugarte has Cardiff, Leeds, Crewe and
Sheffield United lining up behind him in a Benny Hill-esque chase.
Cork City striker Kevin Doyle, one of the hottest properties in the
Irish game, is attracting the attention of Aberdeen, QPR and Reading.
Jug-eared Charlton forward Francis Jeffers will be allowed to leave
for a cut-price GBP1m.
And Rangers want Swedish international Tobias Hysen, the spawn of
former Liverpool defender Glenn.
* * * * * * * * * * *