Post by Salem6 on May 12, 2005 16:38:33 GMT
The Fiver
12 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Fat Yankie,
and The Tall Guy
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GO ROWDIES!
Pension-thief and failed swimmer Robert Maxwell couldn't do it,
ball-juggling fantasist Michael Knighton couldn't do it, and even
tax-avoiding tycoon Rupert Murdoch couldn't do it: but today, Malcolm
Glazer slung his bloated belly over his shoulder and, amid triumphant
cackles, declared to the world that he has taken control of
Manchester United soccerball after buying up Irish racing barons JP
McManus and John Magnier's 28.7% stake.
Tracked down to York racecourse and asked to explain his
300p-per-share sell-out, Magnier snooted: "I don't want to talk about
it, I want to talk about horses!" The Coolmore Mafia's decision means
that Glazer now owns a thumping 56.9% of United, although - as you'd
expect from someone who took his six sisters to court over their
mother's will - he's not happy with sharing and has now launched a
full takeover bid reported to be worth GBP790.3m.
Strangely the plc's fans, who've banded together under the nonsensical
banner 'the Not For Sale Coalition', have been scratching their heads
in befuddlement. "This is by no means over," Oliver Houston, of
Shareholders United, insisted. "Our message to Glazer and to people
daft enough to lend him all this money is that you are going to see a
very sharp fall in profits. Manchester United is going to become an
extremely tainted brand." If what's gone on recently with Rio and
Rooney hasn't tainted it already, of course.
Despite the fans' defiance, things don't look good. If Glazer
increases his stake to 75% he'll be able to shift all his debts on to
the club, and if he gobbles 90% he can make a compulsory purchase of
the remaining 10%. Then, since his aim is to raise United's
popularity in the US, there's nothing to stop him changing the club's
name to the MU Rowdies, ordering Wayne Rooney to further fatten up
(so American kids can identify with him), or even replacing Sir Alex
with David Hasselhoff - although at least the Hoff would be able to
spot that Roy Keane's best days are behind him, if nothing else.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Email Scott Murray while he's still sober and tell him what you'd like
him to write about in his column tomorrow:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1482297,00.html
Go tripping with Andy Johnson, then send us your Big Duncs and win
prizes. Our Gallery curator is expecting you:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1480600,00.html
Play the greatest sports internet games ever, they're the cause of the
Fiver's notorious tardiness:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"With Wayne Rooney it is a question of education. He should receive a
clip round the ear from the management" - Fifa president Sepp Blatter
suggests an old-fashioned approach to bring the United striker to
heel.
*********************
THE KIDS IN AMERICA
News of Peter's Crouch's inclusion in the England squad that will make
the rather pointless journey across the Atlantic this summer
presented the Fiver with something of a challenge. A reputation has
been built on half-hearted stabs at humour on a no-gag-too-lame
basis, but still, the head-in-the-clouds line that stared us in the
face here caused a moment's hesitation.
Hmm.
Peering out of a window on the top floor of Fiver Towers today, we
were surprised to see Crouch's goofy mug grinning back at us through
the murky London smog. It wasn't his being there that surprised us -
we quite often stick a few stale crusts on the sill for him - rather,
it was the gaudy GO USA! cap, complete with two cans of Budweiser and
curly straws, he was sporting.
Bravely ignoring the unavailability of about 60 squads' worth of
English talent and the fact that phrases like "he's got a good touch
for a big man," still impress the likes of Sven-Goran Eriksson,
Crouch gurgled: "The England call is a nice way to round off the
season. I've been playing a lot more and scoring a few goals. It's a
massive bonus."
As well as a first call-up for Liverpool goalkeeper Scott Carson and a
return from the cold for Michael Carrick, Andy Johnson gets another
chance to impress, in front of what will no doubt be the most
underwhelmed American crowd since Manchester United turned up with
Jonathan Spector in tow last year. And Sven's even thinking of
playing the Palace striker in a useful position this time round.
"Maybe I will let him play up front. I will not play him on the right
wing again," he mused, vigorously shaking an Etch-a-Sketch as an FA
suit suggested Robert Green might not be suited to a holding midfield
role after all.
The full England squad for the US tour is: Green (Norwich), Carson
(Liverpool), James (Manchester City) Campbell (Arsenal), Upson
(Birmingham), Brown (Manchester United), G Neville (Manchester
United), A Cole (Arsenal), P Neville (Manchester United), Sexually
Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Johnson (Chelsea),
Jenas (Newcastle), Downing (Middlesbrough), Beckham (Real Madrid),
Carrick (Tottenham), J Cole (Chelsea), Hargreaves (Bayern Munich)
Wright-Phillips (Manchester City), Smith (Manchester United), Owen
(Real Madrid), Crouch (Southampton), A Johnson (Crystal Palace),
Defoe (Tottenham).
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Even though celebrity wrestler Kate Lawler's left him, Jonathan
Woodgate may not be alone for long. Real Madrid hope to renew his
partnership with greedy Rio Ferdinand at the Bernabeu next season.
After experiencing first-hand how effective swashbuckling French
footballers can be last night, David Moyes is giving Lens striker
Olivier Thomert the glad-eye.
Bongo FC gaffer Bernard Cribbins, the Premiership's answer to Pippa
from Home & Away, will make a donation of GBP6m to Newcastle United
upon opening his home for waifs and strays to neckless Welsh tearaway
Craig Bellamy.
Rather than retire with what's left of his dignity intact, Steve
McManaman is set to top up his pension fund with a swan-song in
Dubai.
* * * * * * * * * * *
12 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Fat Yankie,
and The Tall Guy
* * * * * * * * * * * *
GO ROWDIES!
Pension-thief and failed swimmer Robert Maxwell couldn't do it,
ball-juggling fantasist Michael Knighton couldn't do it, and even
tax-avoiding tycoon Rupert Murdoch couldn't do it: but today, Malcolm
Glazer slung his bloated belly over his shoulder and, amid triumphant
cackles, declared to the world that he has taken control of
Manchester United soccerball after buying up Irish racing barons JP
McManus and John Magnier's 28.7% stake.
Tracked down to York racecourse and asked to explain his
300p-per-share sell-out, Magnier snooted: "I don't want to talk about
it, I want to talk about horses!" The Coolmore Mafia's decision means
that Glazer now owns a thumping 56.9% of United, although - as you'd
expect from someone who took his six sisters to court over their
mother's will - he's not happy with sharing and has now launched a
full takeover bid reported to be worth GBP790.3m.
Strangely the plc's fans, who've banded together under the nonsensical
banner 'the Not For Sale Coalition', have been scratching their heads
in befuddlement. "This is by no means over," Oliver Houston, of
Shareholders United, insisted. "Our message to Glazer and to people
daft enough to lend him all this money is that you are going to see a
very sharp fall in profits. Manchester United is going to become an
extremely tainted brand." If what's gone on recently with Rio and
Rooney hasn't tainted it already, of course.
Despite the fans' defiance, things don't look good. If Glazer
increases his stake to 75% he'll be able to shift all his debts on to
the club, and if he gobbles 90% he can make a compulsory purchase of
the remaining 10%. Then, since his aim is to raise United's
popularity in the US, there's nothing to stop him changing the club's
name to the MU Rowdies, ordering Wayne Rooney to further fatten up
(so American kids can identify with him), or even replacing Sir Alex
with David Hasselhoff - although at least the Hoff would be able to
spot that Roy Keane's best days are behind him, if nothing else.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Email Scott Murray while he's still sober and tell him what you'd like
him to write about in his column tomorrow:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1482297,00.html
Go tripping with Andy Johnson, then send us your Big Duncs and win
prizes. Our Gallery curator is expecting you:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1480600,00.html
Play the greatest sports internet games ever, they're the cause of the
Fiver's notorious tardiness:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"With Wayne Rooney it is a question of education. He should receive a
clip round the ear from the management" - Fifa president Sepp Blatter
suggests an old-fashioned approach to bring the United striker to
heel.
*********************
THE KIDS IN AMERICA
News of Peter's Crouch's inclusion in the England squad that will make
the rather pointless journey across the Atlantic this summer
presented the Fiver with something of a challenge. A reputation has
been built on half-hearted stabs at humour on a no-gag-too-lame
basis, but still, the head-in-the-clouds line that stared us in the
face here caused a moment's hesitation.
Hmm.
Peering out of a window on the top floor of Fiver Towers today, we
were surprised to see Crouch's goofy mug grinning back at us through
the murky London smog. It wasn't his being there that surprised us -
we quite often stick a few stale crusts on the sill for him - rather,
it was the gaudy GO USA! cap, complete with two cans of Budweiser and
curly straws, he was sporting.
Bravely ignoring the unavailability of about 60 squads' worth of
English talent and the fact that phrases like "he's got a good touch
for a big man," still impress the likes of Sven-Goran Eriksson,
Crouch gurgled: "The England call is a nice way to round off the
season. I've been playing a lot more and scoring a few goals. It's a
massive bonus."
As well as a first call-up for Liverpool goalkeeper Scott Carson and a
return from the cold for Michael Carrick, Andy Johnson gets another
chance to impress, in front of what will no doubt be the most
underwhelmed American crowd since Manchester United turned up with
Jonathan Spector in tow last year. And Sven's even thinking of
playing the Palace striker in a useful position this time round.
"Maybe I will let him play up front. I will not play him on the right
wing again," he mused, vigorously shaking an Etch-a-Sketch as an FA
suit suggested Robert Green might not be suited to a holding midfield
role after all.
The full England squad for the US tour is: Green (Norwich), Carson
(Liverpool), James (Manchester City) Campbell (Arsenal), Upson
(Birmingham), Brown (Manchester United), G Neville (Manchester
United), A Cole (Arsenal), P Neville (Manchester United), Sexually
Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Johnson (Chelsea),
Jenas (Newcastle), Downing (Middlesbrough), Beckham (Real Madrid),
Carrick (Tottenham), J Cole (Chelsea), Hargreaves (Bayern Munich)
Wright-Phillips (Manchester City), Smith (Manchester United), Owen
(Real Madrid), Crouch (Southampton), A Johnson (Crystal Palace),
Defoe (Tottenham).
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Even though celebrity wrestler Kate Lawler's left him, Jonathan
Woodgate may not be alone for long. Real Madrid hope to renew his
partnership with greedy Rio Ferdinand at the Bernabeu next season.
After experiencing first-hand how effective swashbuckling French
footballers can be last night, David Moyes is giving Lens striker
Olivier Thomert the glad-eye.
Bongo FC gaffer Bernard Cribbins, the Premiership's answer to Pippa
from Home & Away, will make a donation of GBP6m to Newcastle United
upon opening his home for waifs and strays to neckless Welsh tearaway
Craig Bellamy.
Rather than retire with what's left of his dignity intact, Steve
McManaman is set to top up his pension fund with a swan-song in
Dubai.
* * * * * * * * * * *