Post by Salem6 on May 29, 2005 8:59:30 GMT
The Fiver
27 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Star-Studded Declaration
and Simple Truth
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE FIVER WORST PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS VII
(DAY FIVE)
Having dragged out the vote-counting process for a week, we thought
the least we could do for the 2157 of you who took the trouble to
vote in this year's awards was lay on a fancy star-studded
declaration. Sadly, our returning officer has gone AWOL and was last
spotted disco-dancing with portly Dutch waster Nightclub Patrick
(four chins, third place), while runner-up Mateja Kezman was forced
to miss the ceremony after repeatedly failing to negotiate the
doorway of the school gym in which today's announcement was made. Not
that it was much of a contest, mind.
Even before Wednesday night's Big Cup final, it was neck and neck
between Harry Kewell, whose pitiful exit after 23 minutes sealed his
fate. Heartless Fiver readers lacked compassion for his long-term
groin-knack (he went under the knife today, you heartless fiends) and
the lazy Aussie polled just over three times as many votes as either
of his rivals. Which is four times as many, we've just been told by a
man with an anorak and very thick glasses.
A worthy successor to Titus Bramble and no mistake,
limp-away-holding-his-crotch winner Harry pulls off the spectacular
double-whammy of winning our gong and a Big Cup medal in the space of
three days. Needless to say, your tributes have been flooding in.
"Harry deserves it, if only for the sight of him dancing around on
the dais with his Big Cup winner's medal only an hour after hobbling
of the field in abject agony," writes Peter Collins. "He's a lazy,
whining, overpaid waste of space," declares Maggie A, holding both
thumbs aloft in Paul MacCartney-esque fashion. "Send him back to
where he belongs - either Bolton or Middlesbrough!" she honks,
winning a bag of sleazy tat in the process for making a Fiver writer
snort coffee all over his keyboard.
But there was one voice of dissension making itself heard all the way
from Melbourne over the crescendo of abuse: "Perhaps now that Harry
Kewell is to undergo surgery on his groin, your vitriolic
commentators will lay off him and stop implying that he's a
malingerer," huffed a uniquely-minded Kate Gillespie-Jones, waving
her pom-poms while spectacularly over-estimating the compassion of
your average Fiver reader. Take Mike Boone, for example: "Another
season of that malingering twit and his girlie hairdo in a Liverpool
shirt and I'll have a groin injury too," he snarled. To which all we
can say is ... ouch!
THE FIVER WORST MANAGER AWARD
Despite our best attempts to rig this draw so that Peter Reid could
retain his title, the simian one could only finish second. The winner
by a landslide was Graeme Soune ... ah, sod it: Peter Reid it is,
then. Again.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: ORANGE Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the
tantrums. Click here to get email on your phone.
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"When you coach Marseille and you want to know about your future, the
best thing to do is not go see the president but rather consult a
psychic. Or read the newspapers. Marseille are a coach-devourer. And
I am in the position where I will soon be devoured" - Marseille
manager Philippe Troussier remains confident and composed amid
speculation about his job.
*********************
STOP THE BUCK, WE WANT A OUI! OUI!
The 100-year war lasted 116 years and The Fiver wouldn't object if
four women asked it to join a menage-a-trois. So let's not quibble
that the G-14 lobby group actually contains the 18 most powerful
football clubs in Europe. Instead, let's lambast it for today calling
on Uefa to allow Liverpool to take part in next season's Big Cup. "We
support the desire to see Liverpool defend their trophy and the
matter will be raised at our management board meeting next month,"
thundered a G-14 don. "We believe Uefa should look at ways of
allowing this to happen."
See how bullies can play stupid when it suits them? The fact is that
Uefa has already created a way for this happen, by saying England can
enter any four teams it wants. It's Soho's finest, the FA, that
insists those four teams should be the top four in the Premiership,
thereby ruling out Liverpool's chances of defending their title next
year. Despite this simple truth, insatiable FA supremo Geoff Thompson
shamelessly confirmed today that he's still trying to weasel a ticket
for the Reds ... on the grounds of equal opportunities! "Our basic
concern is to ensure that all 52 countries have the same
opportunity," he said, no doubt reclining on a gilded futon where
toga-clad wenches hand-fed him grapes. "We're saying there should be
a level playing field: there's an additional place guaranteed should
the champions come from 49 countries in Europe but not for the other
three - England, Italy and Spain." Yes Geoff, because that trio
already have more places than anyone else.
We can expect much more such guff until June 17, when Uefa's big
cheeses meet to discuss the matter and hopefully tell England's
officials to (a) stop passing the buck and (b) give Everton's
qualification spot to Liverpool. Email your outrage to
the.spin@guardian.co.uk.
*********************
OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE
Win a pair of tickets to see England women take on Finland at Euro
2005 in Manchester!
football.guardian.co.uk/competition/0,13349,1483373,00.html
Small Talk talks technology and Abba with top ref Markus Merk:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1492079,00.html
Waste the best years of your life, go on. Play our best internet
sports games:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
THFC have added Andy Johnson to the list of players they'd like
Crystal Palace to hand over for wads of cash.
Antti Niemi could be set for talks with Celtic, according to his
agent.
Graeme Souness fancies Milan Baros and his aliceband pitching up at
Newcastle.
Sunderland are after Ipswich's Kelvin Davis.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE
James Richardson follows Milan's search for a Big Cup scapegoat:
football.guardian.co.uk/championsleague200405/story/0,15008,1493821,00.html
Liverpool's win was about passion, not skill, says Richard Williams:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1493376,00.html
Oh no it wasn't, says wee Gordon Strachan:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1493551,00.html
Your alternative Manchester United club crests are being exhibited in
our Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1491847,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Despite heroically tricking THFC out of victory at Old Trafford last
season, Roy Carroll has been released by Manchester United. You'd
think it'd be good news for Ricardo, but he's got his P45 too.
Shareholders United are urging MU Rowdy Soccerball Kickerz
shareholders to sell all but one of their shares to Malcolm Glazer,
in a rather pointless act of defiance.
Liverpool have been confirmed as semi-final entrants into Massive Cup
in Japan in December. It doesn't have the same cachet as Big Cup
though, does it?
**********************
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: all the letters published (and no doubt received) saying that
Liverpool is a team of no-hopers and charlatans who shouldn't have
won Big Cup. Sour grapes boys and girls. As the old cliche goes, you
can only beat what is put in front of you and that's what we did. We
are now holding the cup and it's ours to keep. Accept it and move on"
- Alan Young (and many others).
"Re Ian Thomson (Devalued Currency), Michael Falkner (Sad Day), and
Chris Scott (Lost Faith) in yesterday's Fiver Letters. Don't cry!
Mammy will be along soon with a new dummy, you poor little boys" -
Mark Jones.
"Why is it that football appears to have a monopoly on Australian
sportsmen with no heart, no passion and no will to win? Can't we
parachute a few of them into their cricket team so we have a chance
of winning the ashes? Imagine it: Kewell instead of Warne, Viduka
instead of Ponting, and Emerton instead of McGrath. No contest" -
Alex Walter.
"I cannot understand what all the fuss is about Liverpool getting to
defend their trophy. The rules were clear at the start and they were
not good enough to qualify for next year. Do you expect the same fuss
if Brazil don't qualify for the World Cup next year? I think not" -
Eddie Conaghan.
"Please stop repeating the misleading analogy between Liverpool and
Brazil. Brazil are being allowed to defend their trophy. They are in
that process right now" - Allan Morton.
"In the interest of British harmony and to rightfully give Big Cup
Champions their place in the tournament next season, we in Scotland
have decided to generously offer Celtic's second round qualification
spot to Liverpool. God Save the Queen!" - Allister Roger.
"Re: Mike Smith keeping a file on all you media types claiming
Sunderland will get relegated next season (yesterday's Fiver
Letters). I don't think they make hard disks to hold a single file of
such size. Honk!" - Jim Ings. [Leave the self-congratulatory honking
to us - Fiver Ed]
"I'm keeping a file on all you Sunderland types claiming Sunderland
won't be relegated next season and will enjoy reminding you of it
next Spring. Actually, make that February" - Riz Taylor.
Want to get something off your chest? Mail the.boss@guardian.co.uk and
mark it Fiver Letters
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
British Eurosport: Top 24 (8pm)
Persisting with our new riff in this, one of the shortest TV and
Radio sections of all time, Ben Stokes offers the first of two
pleasingly concise descriptions of your terrace oddballs.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"There's a guy at Norwich who during every match stands up and
bellows, "CHEEEEEESE BOARD" at the top of his voice. He has even been
known to bring a cheese-board along with him to the heighten the
effect."
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
William Ethcell, meanwhile, is baffled by, "Ebby - Nottingham
Forest's only known German fan, who is rumoured to travel from Munich
for every game. Bearing in mind the season we've just had, I think
you'll agree that is madness."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
More of the same please. Send you tales of terrace eccentrics to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking them Everyone's Different.
Especially Him.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER, WE'LL BE BACK ON TUESDAY
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * *
AND BREATHE. OXYGEN AND A TIN-FOIL BLANKET, PLEASE
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate.
27 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Star-Studded Declaration
and Simple Truth
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THE FIVER WORST PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS VII
(DAY FIVE)
Having dragged out the vote-counting process for a week, we thought
the least we could do for the 2157 of you who took the trouble to
vote in this year's awards was lay on a fancy star-studded
declaration. Sadly, our returning officer has gone AWOL and was last
spotted disco-dancing with portly Dutch waster Nightclub Patrick
(four chins, third place), while runner-up Mateja Kezman was forced
to miss the ceremony after repeatedly failing to negotiate the
doorway of the school gym in which today's announcement was made. Not
that it was much of a contest, mind.
Even before Wednesday night's Big Cup final, it was neck and neck
between Harry Kewell, whose pitiful exit after 23 minutes sealed his
fate. Heartless Fiver readers lacked compassion for his long-term
groin-knack (he went under the knife today, you heartless fiends) and
the lazy Aussie polled just over three times as many votes as either
of his rivals. Which is four times as many, we've just been told by a
man with an anorak and very thick glasses.
A worthy successor to Titus Bramble and no mistake,
limp-away-holding-his-crotch winner Harry pulls off the spectacular
double-whammy of winning our gong and a Big Cup medal in the space of
three days. Needless to say, your tributes have been flooding in.
"Harry deserves it, if only for the sight of him dancing around on
the dais with his Big Cup winner's medal only an hour after hobbling
of the field in abject agony," writes Peter Collins. "He's a lazy,
whining, overpaid waste of space," declares Maggie A, holding both
thumbs aloft in Paul MacCartney-esque fashion. "Send him back to
where he belongs - either Bolton or Middlesbrough!" she honks,
winning a bag of sleazy tat in the process for making a Fiver writer
snort coffee all over his keyboard.
But there was one voice of dissension making itself heard all the way
from Melbourne over the crescendo of abuse: "Perhaps now that Harry
Kewell is to undergo surgery on his groin, your vitriolic
commentators will lay off him and stop implying that he's a
malingerer," huffed a uniquely-minded Kate Gillespie-Jones, waving
her pom-poms while spectacularly over-estimating the compassion of
your average Fiver reader. Take Mike Boone, for example: "Another
season of that malingering twit and his girlie hairdo in a Liverpool
shirt and I'll have a groin injury too," he snarled. To which all we
can say is ... ouch!
THE FIVER WORST MANAGER AWARD
Despite our best attempts to rig this draw so that Peter Reid could
retain his title, the simian one could only finish second. The winner
by a landslide was Graeme Soune ... ah, sod it: Peter Reid it is,
then. Again.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT: ORANGE Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the
tantrums. Click here to get email on your phone.
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"When you coach Marseille and you want to know about your future, the
best thing to do is not go see the president but rather consult a
psychic. Or read the newspapers. Marseille are a coach-devourer. And
I am in the position where I will soon be devoured" - Marseille
manager Philippe Troussier remains confident and composed amid
speculation about his job.
*********************
STOP THE BUCK, WE WANT A OUI! OUI!
The 100-year war lasted 116 years and The Fiver wouldn't object if
four women asked it to join a menage-a-trois. So let's not quibble
that the G-14 lobby group actually contains the 18 most powerful
football clubs in Europe. Instead, let's lambast it for today calling
on Uefa to allow Liverpool to take part in next season's Big Cup. "We
support the desire to see Liverpool defend their trophy and the
matter will be raised at our management board meeting next month,"
thundered a G-14 don. "We believe Uefa should look at ways of
allowing this to happen."
See how bullies can play stupid when it suits them? The fact is that
Uefa has already created a way for this happen, by saying England can
enter any four teams it wants. It's Soho's finest, the FA, that
insists those four teams should be the top four in the Premiership,
thereby ruling out Liverpool's chances of defending their title next
year. Despite this simple truth, insatiable FA supremo Geoff Thompson
shamelessly confirmed today that he's still trying to weasel a ticket
for the Reds ... on the grounds of equal opportunities! "Our basic
concern is to ensure that all 52 countries have the same
opportunity," he said, no doubt reclining on a gilded futon where
toga-clad wenches hand-fed him grapes. "We're saying there should be
a level playing field: there's an additional place guaranteed should
the champions come from 49 countries in Europe but not for the other
three - England, Italy and Spain." Yes Geoff, because that trio
already have more places than anyone else.
We can expect much more such guff until June 17, when Uefa's big
cheeses meet to discuss the matter and hopefully tell England's
officials to (a) stop passing the buck and (b) give Everton's
qualification spot to Liverpool. Email your outrage to
the.spin@guardian.co.uk.
*********************
OTHER THINGS YOU MIGHT LIKE
Win a pair of tickets to see England women take on Finland at Euro
2005 in Manchester!
football.guardian.co.uk/competition/0,13349,1483373,00.html
Small Talk talks technology and Abba with top ref Markus Merk:
sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/story/0,13852,1492079,00.html
Waste the best years of your life, go on. Play our best internet
sports games:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
THFC have added Andy Johnson to the list of players they'd like
Crystal Palace to hand over for wads of cash.
Antti Niemi could be set for talks with Celtic, according to his
agent.
Graeme Souness fancies Milan Baros and his aliceband pitching up at
Newcastle.
Sunderland are after Ipswich's Kelvin Davis.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE
James Richardson follows Milan's search for a Big Cup scapegoat:
football.guardian.co.uk/championsleague200405/story/0,15008,1493821,00.html
Liverpool's win was about passion, not skill, says Richard Williams:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1493376,00.html
Oh no it wasn't, says wee Gordon Strachan:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1493551,00.html
Your alternative Manchester United club crests are being exhibited in
our Gallery:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1491847,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Despite heroically tricking THFC out of victory at Old Trafford last
season, Roy Carroll has been released by Manchester United. You'd
think it'd be good news for Ricardo, but he's got his P45 too.
Shareholders United are urging MU Rowdy Soccerball Kickerz
shareholders to sell all but one of their shares to Malcolm Glazer,
in a rather pointless act of defiance.
Liverpool have been confirmed as semi-final entrants into Massive Cup
in Japan in December. It doesn't have the same cachet as Big Cup
though, does it?
**********************
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: all the letters published (and no doubt received) saying that
Liverpool is a team of no-hopers and charlatans who shouldn't have
won Big Cup. Sour grapes boys and girls. As the old cliche goes, you
can only beat what is put in front of you and that's what we did. We
are now holding the cup and it's ours to keep. Accept it and move on"
- Alan Young (and many others).
"Re Ian Thomson (Devalued Currency), Michael Falkner (Sad Day), and
Chris Scott (Lost Faith) in yesterday's Fiver Letters. Don't cry!
Mammy will be along soon with a new dummy, you poor little boys" -
Mark Jones.
"Why is it that football appears to have a monopoly on Australian
sportsmen with no heart, no passion and no will to win? Can't we
parachute a few of them into their cricket team so we have a chance
of winning the ashes? Imagine it: Kewell instead of Warne, Viduka
instead of Ponting, and Emerton instead of McGrath. No contest" -
Alex Walter.
"I cannot understand what all the fuss is about Liverpool getting to
defend their trophy. The rules were clear at the start and they were
not good enough to qualify for next year. Do you expect the same fuss
if Brazil don't qualify for the World Cup next year? I think not" -
Eddie Conaghan.
"Please stop repeating the misleading analogy between Liverpool and
Brazil. Brazil are being allowed to defend their trophy. They are in
that process right now" - Allan Morton.
"In the interest of British harmony and to rightfully give Big Cup
Champions their place in the tournament next season, we in Scotland
have decided to generously offer Celtic's second round qualification
spot to Liverpool. God Save the Queen!" - Allister Roger.
"Re: Mike Smith keeping a file on all you media types claiming
Sunderland will get relegated next season (yesterday's Fiver
Letters). I don't think they make hard disks to hold a single file of
such size. Honk!" - Jim Ings. [Leave the self-congratulatory honking
to us - Fiver Ed]
"I'm keeping a file on all you Sunderland types claiming Sunderland
won't be relegated next season and will enjoy reminding you of it
next Spring. Actually, make that February" - Riz Taylor.
Want to get something off your chest? Mail the.boss@guardian.co.uk and
mark it Fiver Letters
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
British Eurosport: Top 24 (8pm)
Persisting with our new riff in this, one of the shortest TV and
Radio sections of all time, Ben Stokes offers the first of two
pleasingly concise descriptions of your terrace oddballs.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"There's a guy at Norwich who during every match stands up and
bellows, "CHEEEEEESE BOARD" at the top of his voice. He has even been
known to bring a cheese-board along with him to the heighten the
effect."
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
William Ethcell, meanwhile, is baffled by, "Ebby - Nottingham
Forest's only known German fan, who is rumoured to travel from Munich
for every game. Bearing in mind the season we've just had, I think
you'll agree that is madness."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
More of the same please. Send you tales of terrace eccentrics to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking them Everyone's Different.
Especially Him.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER, WE'LL BE BACK ON TUESDAY
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * *
AND BREATHE. OXYGEN AND A TIN-FOIL BLANKET, PLEASE
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate.