Post by Salem6 on May 27, 2005 14:44:19 GMT
The Fiver
26 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Swashbuckling Performance,
and Lazy Get's Masterclass
* * * * * * * * * * * *
COME BACK, PLEASE STAY
Yes, of course the Fiver considered concocting some flaky gag about
how nice it was to see a team other than Real Madrid and Barcelona
lift Big Cup for Spain. And of course we could spend three paragraphs
analysing the Steven Gerrard tumble that led to Liverpool's
equaliser. We could also speculate pointlessly about who'd have taken
the fifth penalty and how many kilometres wide Djimi Traore would
have shanked it. But that would make The Fiver look churlish, petty
and spiteful - a mere lady's hairstyle from being the spit of Robbie
Savage. Instead, then, let's talk about what Liverpool's
preposterously entertaining win actually means.
Firstly, it means there's probably a dull thudding sound emanating
from a mansion somewhere in Madrid, where Real substitute Michael
Owen is banging his empty hands on the ground like a man who's heard
his ex-wife won the Lotto the day after he divorced her. Secondly, it
may mean Stevie Me won't leave Anfield any time soon. As useful as a
toilet in the first half, his swashbuckling performance after the
break is reported to have convinced Liverpool to offer him "the most
lucrative contract in the history of the club". Yet all big Red
cheese Rick Parry would say is: "I don't think it's down to money for
Steven, it's about his craving for success. And we've shown our
ambitions go hand in hand."
The big question, of course, is does the most unexpected comeback
since flares mean Liverpool can play in next year's Big Cup?
Officially, Uefa insists they'll not admit a fifth English team,
meaning Everton might get ditched. But word is the fattest of Uefa
felines, Lennart Johannson, stopped eating for long enough to tell
Pool chairman David Moores last night he'd do everything he can to
bend these rules. And Rafa Benitez reckons it would be outrageous if
he fails. "It's unbelievable to even consider that a side who'll play
in the Super Cup as well as the World Club Championship next season
should not be allowed back into Big Cup," he bellowed. "It's my
opinion that the winners should always be allowed to fight again for
the cup." Although some might argue Liverpool should quit while
they're ahead.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERTISEMENT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get started.
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We've an open mind to a pre-qualifier for our position in .
Such a game would help us achieve some of our ambitions. And with a
bit of luck we might beat them" - Mike Harris, chairman of Welsh
champions Total Network Solutions, offers Liverpool the chance to
take their spot in the first qualifying round of next season's Big
Cup - provided they can beat them in a one-off game in the Millennium
Stadium.
*********************
THE FIVER WORST PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS VII
(DAY FOUR)
With less than 24 hours to go and over 1600 (sorry, our '0' button is
jammed) votes counted, our shortlist of shame has been whittled down
to three, but after the deluge of votes cast since the 21st minute of
Big Cup final, we're tempted to call it now. However, in order to
keep you in some modicum of suspense (and drag it out for another
day), we'd like to give the floor to Garry Casey, who has noticed a
disturbing undercurrent in this year's Worst Player Awards. "Do I
detect a hint of the Enoch Powells in your Worst 10 and Worst Five
lists? Only two Englishmen in the 10 and just one in the five! Old
Johnny Foreigner still needs the whip, what?" harrumphs Garry, before
adding: "By the way, my vote goes to Holland international Patrick
Kluivert."
Ah yes. Nightclub Patrick's been polling steadily since Monday and
eases into the final three. "To watch him gaze upon a teasing cross
with ne'er a thought to stretch out an overpaid leg and poke it past
the keeper was akin to a fat, lazy get's master-class," sighs a
clearly awe-struck John Dobson. Joining Kluivert on the podium is
simian Premiership medal-winner, Mateja Kezman. "The last time I saw
finishing like that, Del Boy was selling," honks Daniel Blaxhill.
"From the laughable first touch, shocking finishing, hilarious
eyebrows, lantern jaw and the barnet that looks like it's been styled
by Stevie Wonder, it simply has to be Kezman," adds Jim Carpenter.
Or does it? "I think Harry Kewell cemented his award last night,"
argues Paul Burden. "On a night which should have been the pinnacle
of any player's career, he couldn't wait to come off injured." And
what about this from Graham Shortt, eh? "Harry was on the pitch for
23 minutes before shuffling off. 'It's snapped' he mouthed to a
disbelieving Liverpool bench. What a time to break a nail, eh?"
So without further ado, get those votes into the.boss@guardian.co.uk
before 1pm, marked Fiver Worst Player. Here are the three remaining
candidates and their odds in running.
Harry Kewell 2-9
Mateja Kezman 10/1
Nightclub Patrick 12/1
THE FIVER WORST MANAGER OF THE YEAR
"Fergie has to get the award for delusional paranoia" - Barry Walsh.
"It has to be Peter Reid. I wouldn't let him manage my sock drawer" -
Chris Vinnicombe.
"No contest. Souness. He stuffed up Blackburn now he's doing the same
to the Toon. Don't be fooled by his consistency" - Steve Lepedat.
*********************
IN TOMORROW'S 60p GUARDIAN
Red hot Rafa: Celtic boss-to-be Gordon Strachan on the real reasons
why Liverpool's manager was the key to their Champions League
success.
Where were you when the storm broke? Celebrities and former Liverpool
players recount their experiences of one of the most magical nights
in European football.
A Test in one sense only. England begin their summer with a stroll in
St John's Wood as Bangladesh have a bad day at the office - Mike
Selvey and David Hopps write.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
What more can Jerzy Dudek do? Well, before you answer that, Villarreal
goalkeeper Pepe Reina claims to be on the verge of joining the
European champions.
Arsenal have joined the chase for Brazilian wunderkid Robinho.
Obvious gag alert! Portsmouth are planning a double raid for Roma
defender Traianos Dellas and Panathinaikos midfielder Angelos
Basinas. That's right, it's all Greek to us too, honk!
Forget finding a new starlet via reality TV; Chelsea have gone
straight to the source and are set to sign GBP1m-rated 16-year-old
Scott Sinclair from Bristol Rovers.
And in a move that will surely end Robbie Keane's stay at THFC,
Martin Jol intends to cross Crystal Palace's palms with GBP8m and get
Andy Johnson in return.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE: BIG CUP SPECIAL
Relive Milan's capitulation in gory, minute-by-minute detail:
football.guardian.co.uk/news/matchreport/0,9752,1492011,00.html
Dominic Fifield: Liverpool's captain used his head and his heart to
inspire victory:
football.guardian.co.uk/news/thewayyouseeit/0,9206,1492474,00.html
Gordon Strachan on how Rafa's brave change of tactics floored the
Rossoneri:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1492510,00.html
Liverpool's remarkable success was a triumph of the imagination:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1492484,00.html
In pictures: the best images from a night to remember in Istanbul:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1492756,00.html
Martin Kelner on how Sky claimed the Big Ron memorial commentary
prize:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1492504,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Fresh from watching their old muckers from Liverpool win Big Cup last
night, Man Utd fans have now suffered a new setback after the board
advised shareholders to accept Manky Glazer's buyout offer.
Provided Everton aren't forced to give up their Big Cup place, Simon
Davies will be playing in European football's premier competition
next season after sealing a GBP3.5m switch to Goodison.
And Barcelona have signed Athletic Bilbao winger Santi Ezquerro.
**********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for our FREE news alerts and get the latest FREE headlines
direct and FREE to your desktop:
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win a part share in a two-year-old racehorse with our great
competition:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1487858,00.html
Talk about doing Glazer's work for him! Here are your best new club
badges in our best Gallery ever:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1491847,00.html
Crazy animal pitch invasions and much, much more in the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1491064,00.html
Get a lie-in every morning with the greatest internet sports games
ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Win tickets to see England women take on Finland in the opening game
of Euro 2005:
football.guardian.co.uk/competition/0,13349,1483373,00.html
**********************
BUMPER BIG CUP FIVER LETTERS
"I just read somewhere that one out of every five workers in Liverpool
took today off. Five workers in Liverpool? You're having a laugh" -
Steve Miller.
"I do not see what all the fuss is about regarding Liverpool being
given the opportunity to defend their title. A straw poll amongst my
friends gives an empathic, answer: award Liverpool Manchester
United's place" - Peter Pieri.
"Is it just me, or does anyone else feel sorry for Michael Owen?" -
Andy Gibson.
"I notice your newsblog mentions a Liverpool fan losing faith at
half-time last night. Personally I lost faith at the end of the
shoot-out - my faith in football, after that comedy team walked off
with the trophy. Christ, is nothing sacred?" - Chris Scott.
"Yesterday was a very sad day for football. Jerzy Dudek, Vladimir
Smicer and other equally mediocre players winning European medals?
Players of this calibre are not worthy of winning even a stuffed toy
in a penalty shoot-out at the local fair" - Michael Falkner.
"Both the FA Cup final and European Cup final decided on penalties?
Highly dissatisfying. What's wrong with doing what we used to do at
school - next goal wins? Make them play till they drop, that's what I
say" - Mike Rice.
"Brilliant night for English football last night. I don't know what
was more unexpected, the miraculous comeback from three down or the
realisation that Clive Tyldesley might actually stop banging on about
'that wonderful night in Barcelona'" -Adam Leary, Guildford.
"Talk about devalued currency! Last night just goes to show how any
joke outfit can be crowned champions of Europe these days. It's
become like the FA Cup. Maybe you should start an annual poll for
Worst Ever Player to win Big Cup. I'll vote Jerzy Dudek" - Ian
Thomson.
"Credit to Liverpool for winning and everything, but can we put an end
to all the nonsense about them being plucky little underdogs who came
from nowhere with a team scraped together for peanuts? They way some
people were going on last night you'd think they were more like
Wrexham than Chelsea" - Alex Marklew.
"I for one had no doubt Liverpool would win Big Cup final. How could
they lose when Djibril Cisse had the Eye of Thundera drawn on his
head?" Dan Burden.
"Football good, ITV bad. Is the rumour true that in Clive Tyldesley's
bedroom there is an effigy of Steven Gerrard nailed to a cross
wearing nowt but a crown of thorns and a loin cloth? Please, whoever
is responsible, take this man off our screens. Or send me some money
so I can subscribe to Sky" - David Brown
"I'm keeping a file on all you media types claiming Sunderland will be
relegated next season (I've already logged one from Eamonn Holmes on
5 Live) and will enjoy reminding you all of your comments next
spring" - Mike Smith.
Want to get something off your chest? Mail the.boss@guardian.co.uk and
mark it Fiver Letters.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Women's International: England v Czech Republic (7.30pm)
"I expect you'll get a lot of nominations for Lawrence, the
Hartlepool Tranny," says Matt Dolman, unaware that his was the only
such submission among your tales of terrace oddballs.
ITV1: Celebrity Love Island (10pm)
"Originally a 'Pools fanhe apparently had a falling out with the
club and now watches every game from the away end, cheering on the
opposition.
Five: John Barnes's Football Night (12.40am)
"Parading back and forth along the front of the stand in dress and
high heels, leading the chants,he cannot be faulted for effort,
though sometimes for accuracy.
Five: Portuguese Football: (1.20am)
"Not the first person ever to confuse Brentford and Brentwood,he
was frustrated in his/her efforts to cheer on 'the Essex Boys'."
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
Swiftly moving on, Tony Peachment helps us crowbar in Man City's
Maine Road representative: "In the mid-90s I used to sit in the Umbro
Stand where one fan used to liven things up.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"At first he used to just shout out and make the occasional crack,
but obviously his prescription lapsed and he started bringing an
oven-ready chicken to games. He would stand and hold said poultry
over his head singing 'Blue Moon'.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I don't know if it was the same chicken every week." That's not
normal, but we still think you can get weirder, so email your stories
of strange fellow fans to the the.boss@guardian.co.uk now, marked
'They're Crazier Than That B****** Crazy Frog'. It should go without
saying that we'll welcome submissions from the bursting archives of
GAA fans, or indeed fans of any sport.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVE MINUTES IS ALL I ASK FOR! UNPAID! COME ON, LAWRO! JUST AN OVER,
PLEASE ... I'M BEGGING YOU!!!
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate.
26 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Swashbuckling Performance,
and Lazy Get's Masterclass
* * * * * * * * * * * *
COME BACK, PLEASE STAY
Yes, of course the Fiver considered concocting some flaky gag about
how nice it was to see a team other than Real Madrid and Barcelona
lift Big Cup for Spain. And of course we could spend three paragraphs
analysing the Steven Gerrard tumble that led to Liverpool's
equaliser. We could also speculate pointlessly about who'd have taken
the fifth penalty and how many kilometres wide Djimi Traore would
have shanked it. But that would make The Fiver look churlish, petty
and spiteful - a mere lady's hairstyle from being the spit of Robbie
Savage. Instead, then, let's talk about what Liverpool's
preposterously entertaining win actually means.
Firstly, it means there's probably a dull thudding sound emanating
from a mansion somewhere in Madrid, where Real substitute Michael
Owen is banging his empty hands on the ground like a man who's heard
his ex-wife won the Lotto the day after he divorced her. Secondly, it
may mean Stevie Me won't leave Anfield any time soon. As useful as a
toilet in the first half, his swashbuckling performance after the
break is reported to have convinced Liverpool to offer him "the most
lucrative contract in the history of the club". Yet all big Red
cheese Rick Parry would say is: "I don't think it's down to money for
Steven, it's about his craving for success. And we've shown our
ambitions go hand in hand."
The big question, of course, is does the most unexpected comeback
since flares mean Liverpool can play in next year's Big Cup?
Officially, Uefa insists they'll not admit a fifth English team,
meaning Everton might get ditched. But word is the fattest of Uefa
felines, Lennart Johannson, stopped eating for long enough to tell
Pool chairman David Moores last night he'd do everything he can to
bend these rules. And Rafa Benitez reckons it would be outrageous if
he fails. "It's unbelievable to even consider that a side who'll play
in the Super Cup as well as the World Club Championship next season
should not be allowed back into Big Cup," he bellowed. "It's my
opinion that the winners should always be allowed to fight again for
the cup." Although some might argue Liverpool should quit while
they're ahead.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERTISEMENT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get started.
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We've an open mind to a pre-qualifier for our position in .
Such a game would help us achieve some of our ambitions. And with a
bit of luck we might beat them" - Mike Harris, chairman of Welsh
champions Total Network Solutions, offers Liverpool the chance to
take their spot in the first qualifying round of next season's Big
Cup - provided they can beat them in a one-off game in the Millennium
Stadium.
*********************
THE FIVER WORST PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS VII
(DAY FOUR)
With less than 24 hours to go and over 1600 (sorry, our '0' button is
jammed) votes counted, our shortlist of shame has been whittled down
to three, but after the deluge of votes cast since the 21st minute of
Big Cup final, we're tempted to call it now. However, in order to
keep you in some modicum of suspense (and drag it out for another
day), we'd like to give the floor to Garry Casey, who has noticed a
disturbing undercurrent in this year's Worst Player Awards. "Do I
detect a hint of the Enoch Powells in your Worst 10 and Worst Five
lists? Only two Englishmen in the 10 and just one in the five! Old
Johnny Foreigner still needs the whip, what?" harrumphs Garry, before
adding: "By the way, my vote goes to Holland international Patrick
Kluivert."
Ah yes. Nightclub Patrick's been polling steadily since Monday and
eases into the final three. "To watch him gaze upon a teasing cross
with ne'er a thought to stretch out an overpaid leg and poke it past
the keeper was akin to a fat, lazy get's master-class," sighs a
clearly awe-struck John Dobson. Joining Kluivert on the podium is
simian Premiership medal-winner, Mateja Kezman. "The last time I saw
finishing like that, Del Boy was selling," honks Daniel Blaxhill.
"From the laughable first touch, shocking finishing, hilarious
eyebrows, lantern jaw and the barnet that looks like it's been styled
by Stevie Wonder, it simply has to be Kezman," adds Jim Carpenter.
Or does it? "I think Harry Kewell cemented his award last night,"
argues Paul Burden. "On a night which should have been the pinnacle
of any player's career, he couldn't wait to come off injured." And
what about this from Graham Shortt, eh? "Harry was on the pitch for
23 minutes before shuffling off. 'It's snapped' he mouthed to a
disbelieving Liverpool bench. What a time to break a nail, eh?"
So without further ado, get those votes into the.boss@guardian.co.uk
before 1pm, marked Fiver Worst Player. Here are the three remaining
candidates and their odds in running.
Harry Kewell 2-9
Mateja Kezman 10/1
Nightclub Patrick 12/1
THE FIVER WORST MANAGER OF THE YEAR
"Fergie has to get the award for delusional paranoia" - Barry Walsh.
"It has to be Peter Reid. I wouldn't let him manage my sock drawer" -
Chris Vinnicombe.
"No contest. Souness. He stuffed up Blackburn now he's doing the same
to the Toon. Don't be fooled by his consistency" - Steve Lepedat.
*********************
IN TOMORROW'S 60p GUARDIAN
Red hot Rafa: Celtic boss-to-be Gordon Strachan on the real reasons
why Liverpool's manager was the key to their Champions League
success.
Where were you when the storm broke? Celebrities and former Liverpool
players recount their experiences of one of the most magical nights
in European football.
A Test in one sense only. England begin their summer with a stroll in
St John's Wood as Bangladesh have a bad day at the office - Mike
Selvey and David Hopps write.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
What more can Jerzy Dudek do? Well, before you answer that, Villarreal
goalkeeper Pepe Reina claims to be on the verge of joining the
European champions.
Arsenal have joined the chase for Brazilian wunderkid Robinho.
Obvious gag alert! Portsmouth are planning a double raid for Roma
defender Traianos Dellas and Panathinaikos midfielder Angelos
Basinas. That's right, it's all Greek to us too, honk!
Forget finding a new starlet via reality TV; Chelsea have gone
straight to the source and are set to sign GBP1m-rated 16-year-old
Scott Sinclair from Bristol Rovers.
And in a move that will surely end Robbie Keane's stay at THFC,
Martin Jol intends to cross Crystal Palace's palms with GBP8m and get
Andy Johnson in return.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE: BIG CUP SPECIAL
Relive Milan's capitulation in gory, minute-by-minute detail:
football.guardian.co.uk/news/matchreport/0,9752,1492011,00.html
Dominic Fifield: Liverpool's captain used his head and his heart to
inspire victory:
football.guardian.co.uk/news/thewayyouseeit/0,9206,1492474,00.html
Gordon Strachan on how Rafa's brave change of tactics floored the
Rossoneri:
football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,4284,1492510,00.html
Liverpool's remarkable success was a triumph of the imagination:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1492484,00.html
In pictures: the best images from a night to remember in Istanbul:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1492756,00.html
Martin Kelner on how Sky claimed the Big Ron memorial commentary
prize:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1492504,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Fresh from watching their old muckers from Liverpool win Big Cup last
night, Man Utd fans have now suffered a new setback after the board
advised shareholders to accept Manky Glazer's buyout offer.
Provided Everton aren't forced to give up their Big Cup place, Simon
Davies will be playing in European football's premier competition
next season after sealing a GBP3.5m switch to Goodison.
And Barcelona have signed Athletic Bilbao winger Santi Ezquerro.
**********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for our FREE news alerts and get the latest FREE headlines
direct and FREE to your desktop:
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win a part share in a two-year-old racehorse with our great
competition:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1487858,00.html
Talk about doing Glazer's work for him! Here are your best new club
badges in our best Gallery ever:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1491847,00.html
Crazy animal pitch invasions and much, much more in the Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1491064,00.html
Get a lie-in every morning with the greatest internet sports games
ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Win tickets to see England women take on Finland in the opening game
of Euro 2005:
football.guardian.co.uk/competition/0,13349,1483373,00.html
**********************
BUMPER BIG CUP FIVER LETTERS
"I just read somewhere that one out of every five workers in Liverpool
took today off. Five workers in Liverpool? You're having a laugh" -
Steve Miller.
"I do not see what all the fuss is about regarding Liverpool being
given the opportunity to defend their title. A straw poll amongst my
friends gives an empathic, answer: award Liverpool Manchester
United's place" - Peter Pieri.
"Is it just me, or does anyone else feel sorry for Michael Owen?" -
Andy Gibson.
"I notice your newsblog mentions a Liverpool fan losing faith at
half-time last night. Personally I lost faith at the end of the
shoot-out - my faith in football, after that comedy team walked off
with the trophy. Christ, is nothing sacred?" - Chris Scott.
"Yesterday was a very sad day for football. Jerzy Dudek, Vladimir
Smicer and other equally mediocre players winning European medals?
Players of this calibre are not worthy of winning even a stuffed toy
in a penalty shoot-out at the local fair" - Michael Falkner.
"Both the FA Cup final and European Cup final decided on penalties?
Highly dissatisfying. What's wrong with doing what we used to do at
school - next goal wins? Make them play till they drop, that's what I
say" - Mike Rice.
"Brilliant night for English football last night. I don't know what
was more unexpected, the miraculous comeback from three down or the
realisation that Clive Tyldesley might actually stop banging on about
'that wonderful night in Barcelona'" -Adam Leary, Guildford.
"Talk about devalued currency! Last night just goes to show how any
joke outfit can be crowned champions of Europe these days. It's
become like the FA Cup. Maybe you should start an annual poll for
Worst Ever Player to win Big Cup. I'll vote Jerzy Dudek" - Ian
Thomson.
"Credit to Liverpool for winning and everything, but can we put an end
to all the nonsense about them being plucky little underdogs who came
from nowhere with a team scraped together for peanuts? They way some
people were going on last night you'd think they were more like
Wrexham than Chelsea" - Alex Marklew.
"I for one had no doubt Liverpool would win Big Cup final. How could
they lose when Djibril Cisse had the Eye of Thundera drawn on his
head?" Dan Burden.
"Football good, ITV bad. Is the rumour true that in Clive Tyldesley's
bedroom there is an effigy of Steven Gerrard nailed to a cross
wearing nowt but a crown of thorns and a loin cloth? Please, whoever
is responsible, take this man off our screens. Or send me some money
so I can subscribe to Sky" - David Brown
"I'm keeping a file on all you media types claiming Sunderland will be
relegated next season (I've already logged one from Eamonn Holmes on
5 Live) and will enjoy reminding you all of your comments next
spring" - Mike Smith.
Want to get something off your chest? Mail the.boss@guardian.co.uk and
mark it Fiver Letters.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
Sky Sports 1: Women's International: England v Czech Republic (7.30pm)
"I expect you'll get a lot of nominations for Lawrence, the
Hartlepool Tranny," says Matt Dolman, unaware that his was the only
such submission among your tales of terrace oddballs.
ITV1: Celebrity Love Island (10pm)
"Originally a 'Pools fan
club and now watches every game from the away end, cheering on the
opposition.
Five: John Barnes's Football Night (12.40am)
"Parading back and forth along the front of the stand in dress and
high heels, leading the chants,
though sometimes for accuracy.
Five: Portuguese Football: (1.20am)
"Not the first person ever to confuse Brentford and Brentwood,
was frustrated in his/her efforts to cheer on 'the Essex Boys'."
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
Swiftly moving on, Tony Peachment helps us crowbar in Man City's
Maine Road representative: "In the mid-90s I used to sit in the Umbro
Stand where one fan used to liven things up.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"At first he used to just shout out and make the occasional crack,
but obviously his prescription lapsed and he started bringing an
oven-ready chicken to games. He would stand and hold said poultry
over his head singing 'Blue Moon'.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I don't know if it was the same chicken every week." That's not
normal, but we still think you can get weirder, so email your stories
of strange fellow fans to the the.boss@guardian.co.uk now, marked
'They're Crazier Than That B****** Crazy Frog'. It should go without
saying that we'll welcome submissions from the bursting archives of
GAA fans, or indeed fans of any sport.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVE MINUTES IS ALL I ASK FOR! UNPAID! COME ON, LAWRO! JUST AN OVER,
PLEASE ... I'M BEGGING YOU!!!
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning. Guardian
Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England
and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate.