Post by Salem6 on Oct 7, 2004 14:44:12 GMT
By Chris Charles
Oh to be an Arsenal fan - top of the league, Henry on fire and a brand spanking new ground named after..... an airline.
Herbert Chapman must be so proud.
You can just see visiting sides jogging up the tunnel to be confronted with a big red sign reading "This is Emirates".
Ooh, we're scared.
Still, at least the deal with Lil-lets fell through.
Admittedly, there's the small matter of £100m over 15 years, but does your average Gooner really have any idea of the impact this alliance will have on their lives?
Let's fast-forward to 2006 to get a flavour of the new regime.
You can forget the pre-match pint in the local, with fans now expected to check in at least two hours before kick-off.
Season tickets are exchanged for small stubs of paper, with window seats available in corporate boxes.
After browsing in the duty-free club shop, fans will be directed to their gate, taking care to observe the no-smoking policy - particularly in the toilets (where incidentally only one person will be allowed in at a time).
The Cockpit End
Once inside the ground, home supporters will find themselves directed to the Cockpit or Tail Ends.
At least it's still nice and quiet - for Highbury the Library, read Emiratesshhh.
Half an hour before kick-off, stewards will stand in the middle of the pitch, alerting fans to the nearest exits and checking life-jackets are under seats (well you never know what the weather's going to do in north London).
At 2.45, Patrick Vieira's voice will come over the tannoy.
"Good afternoon everybody, this is your captain speaking. Thank you for choosing Emirates.
Today's match-time will be approximately 90 minutes, with a 15-minute refuelling break. We hope you enjoy the trip."
Five minutes before kick-off, Arsenal finally run out, ditching the traditional Right Here Right Now theme tune for Airport by the Motors (ask your dad).
By half-time, normal service has been resumed - the Gunners are 3-0 up and everyone is happy.
Better still, there's no more queueing at the bars and hot dog stalls. The army of stewardesses bring round a selection of alcoholic drinks (three quid for half a can) and a heated substance masquerading as food.
This is your captain speaking
Towards the end of the match, Vieira leaves the pitch and gets back on the mic to announce: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently cruising to victory at 10,000 feet.
"You may experience some turbulence when Thierry runs past, so can I ask you all to remain in your seats until the game has finished. Thank you for choosing Emirates - please join us again."
And with that, everyone files out to watch Final Score in the pub - once they've reclaimed their season ticket from the conveyor belt.
news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/funny_old_game/3722644.stm