Post by Salem6 on May 22, 2004 9:45:23 GMT
The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the
"Going Underground" website...
Heard at Earl's Court:
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond.
The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to
Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what
the signalmen think.
On the Northern Line:
"Beggars are operating on this train; please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line:
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains
ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't
want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central Line:
"Next time, Sir, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open
before trying to get on the train"
At King's Cross:
"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"
On the Victoria Line:
"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"
"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a
good deodorant!"
"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"
At Camden Town Station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
"Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers
off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the
passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then - stuff yourselves in like
sardines; see if I care - I'm going home.'
At West Hampstead:
"We can't move off because some c**t has got their f**king hand stuck in the
door'
At Mill Hill East:
"Hello this is (xxx) speaking. I am the captain of your train, and we will
be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately
zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm local time.
The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is
in the same time zone as Mill Hill East, so there's no need to adjust your
watches."
On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague
unaware that he'd left the Tannoy on):
"Bollocks to the lot of them. I don't care if they don't make it to work."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl:
"Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies an gennelmun. Unfortunately, towels
are not provided."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but
there is a security alert at Victoria Station, and we are stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now. `Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall."
"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your
rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal,
fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport
and not a wheelie bin."
Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen;
this is due to some krusty masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone
has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train.
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?" The
good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a
card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination for a good
ninety minutes yet. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up
the line - simply get out, walk up the platform and go back to where we
started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in
front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's
Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." ( doors close... The doors open.)
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the
train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please stand clear
of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into
the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these
people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the westbound
platform and go in the opposite direction. Please allow the doors to close.
Try not to confuse this with `Please hold the doors open.` The two are
distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it is only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
"Apparently this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact
terminating here. I'm sorry about this, but I too was under the impression
that this train was going to Barking, but `they` have other ideas. I mean,
why tell me? I'm merely the driver."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street: As you can see, Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I could tell
you earlier but no, they don't think about things like that."
"Going Underground" website...
Heard at Earl's Court:
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond.
The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to
Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what
the signalmen think.
On the Northern Line:
"Beggars are operating on this train; please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line:
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains
ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't
want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central Line:
"Next time, Sir, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open
before trying to get on the train"
At King's Cross:
"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"
On the Victoria Line:
"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"
"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a
good deodorant!"
"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"
At Camden Town Station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
"Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers
off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the
passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then - stuff yourselves in like
sardines; see if I care - I'm going home.'
At West Hampstead:
"We can't move off because some c**t has got their f**king hand stuck in the
door'
At Mill Hill East:
"Hello this is (xxx) speaking. I am the captain of your train, and we will
be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately
zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm local time.
The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is
in the same time zone as Mill Hill East, so there's no need to adjust your
watches."
On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague
unaware that he'd left the Tannoy on):
"Bollocks to the lot of them. I don't care if they don't make it to work."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl:
"Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies an gennelmun. Unfortunately, towels
are not provided."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but
there is a security alert at Victoria Station, and we are stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now. `Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall."
"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your
rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal,
fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport
and not a wheelie bin."
Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen;
this is due to some krusty masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone
has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train.
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?" The
good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a
card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination for a good
ninety minutes yet. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up
the line - simply get out, walk up the platform and go back to where we
started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in
front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's
Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." ( doors close... The doors open.)
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the
train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please stand clear
of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into
the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these
people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the westbound
platform and go in the opposite direction. Please allow the doors to close.
Try not to confuse this with `Please hold the doors open.` The two are
distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it is only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
"Apparently this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact
terminating here. I'm sorry about this, but I too was under the impression
that this train was going to Barking, but `they` have other ideas. I mean,
why tell me? I'm merely the driver."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street: As you can see, Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I could tell
you earlier but no, they don't think about things like that."