Post by Salem6 on Mar 21, 2004 4:29:21 GMT
JOKES
Three men, an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in
the
sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he
explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech.
So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as
impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet.
He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bottom
The others raised their eyebrows.
Ø "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax".
Young guy from Gujarat (India) moves to California and goes to a
big department shopping complex looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Gujuboykie says. "Sirji, I was a salesman back home in Surat."
Well, the boss liked the Gujuboykie so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."
His first day on the job w as rough but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Gujuboy says, "Sirji, Just ONE sale"
The boss says, "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales
people average 20 or 30 sales a day". If you want to keep this job,
you'd
better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the
sale for?"
Gujuboy says, "$101,237.64"
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Gujuboy says:
Sirji, First I sell him small fish hook.
Then I sell him medium fish hook.
Then I sell him larger fish hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear
Then I ask
him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told
him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department
and I
sell him twin engine Chris Craft
: Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and
sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and
since he
had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one
of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents
Then the guy said, while
we're
at it, I should throw in about a $100 worth of groceries and two cases
of
beer "
The boss said, "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a boat, a 4x4 truck and a tent?"
Gujuboy says, "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy a box of
tampons for his wife,and I said: Well, your weekend's all f***d, you
might
just as well go fishing."
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire Pit-Crew yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of Liverpool Council's "Work For The Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Merseyside.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment or tools, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with all the mod con tools.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, and this would give Ferrari an advantage over every team.
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the crew's first practice session, not only were the Scousers able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 20 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Carling.
Dayvorce
A farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The
lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one
of those dayvorces".
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said,
"Yes, I got 40 acres".
The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays".
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a case, but I got a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge. The farmer
said, "Yes, I got a grudge, That's where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer
said, "No, we both get up at 4:30".
The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's
a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why
I wants one of those dayvorces."
A white guy is walking along the beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it
a
rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted
three
wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The
next
thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by
50
beautiful women
He makes love to all of them and begins to
explore
the
house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down
and
the
floor is covered in $100 bills
Then, there is a knock at the
door.
He
answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku
Klux
Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
limb
and
hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove
their
Ø hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand
the
first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make
love
to
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!! "
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling:
"You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts
the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I
don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again
On opening the door, there is the same
little
Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson
loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front
and yells at him;
Look,I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!
Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard
,and says:
:
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
A Chelsea fan, a Newcastle fan, a Man U fan, and an Arsenal fan are
climbing a mountain. On the way to the top, each is arguing about how
loyal
they are to their team and what they would do for that team.
As the climb gets higher, the wagers increase. Upon reaching the top,
the Chelsea fan shouts, "This is for Chelsea!!!" and hurls himself off
the top of the mountain.
Next the Newcastle fan yells, "I love Newcastle ....This is for you my
Geordie Boys !!" and he, too, jumps off the top.
Suddenly, the Arsenal fan screams, "This is for EVERYONE!!" and pushes
the Man U fan off.
Three men, an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in
the
sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he
explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech.
So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as
impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet.
He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bottom
The others raised their eyebrows.
Ø "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax".
Young guy from Gujarat (India) moves to California and goes to a
big department shopping complex looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Gujuboykie says. "Sirji, I was a salesman back home in Surat."
Well, the boss liked the Gujuboykie so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."
His first day on the job w as rough but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Gujuboy says, "Sirji, Just ONE sale"
The boss says, "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales
people average 20 or 30 sales a day". If you want to keep this job,
you'd
better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the
sale for?"
Gujuboy says, "$101,237.64"
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Gujuboy says:
Sirji, First I sell him small fish hook.
Then I sell him medium fish hook.
Then I sell him larger fish hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear
Then I ask
him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told
him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department
and I
sell him twin engine Chris Craft
: Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and
sell him that 4X4 Blazer. I then ask him where he'll be staying, and
since he
had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one
of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents
Then the guy said, while
we're
at it, I should throw in about a $100 worth of groceries and two cases
of
beer "
The boss said, "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a boat, a 4x4 truck and a tent?"
Gujuboy says, "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy a box of
tampons for his wife,and I said: Well, your weekend's all f***d, you
might
just as well go fishing."
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire Pit-Crew yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of Liverpool Council's "Work For The Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Merseyside.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment or tools, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with all the mod con tools.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, and this would give Ferrari an advantage over every team.
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the crew's first practice session, not only were the Scousers able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 20 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Carling.
Dayvorce
A farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The
lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one
of those dayvorces".
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said,
"Yes, I got 40 acres".
The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays".
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a case, but I got a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge. The farmer
said, "Yes, I got a grudge, That's where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer
said, "No, we both get up at 4:30".
The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's
a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why
I wants one of those dayvorces."
A white guy is walking along the beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it
a
rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted
three
wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The
next
thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by
50
beautiful women
He makes love to all of them and begins to
explore
the
house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down
and
the
floor is covered in $100 bills
Then, there is a knock at the
door.
He
answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku
Klux
Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
limb
and
hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove
their
Ø hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand
the
first
wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make
love
to
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!! "
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling:
"You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts
the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I
don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again
On opening the door, there is the same
little
Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson
loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front
and yells at him;
Look,I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!
Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard
,and says:
:
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
A Chelsea fan, a Newcastle fan, a Man U fan, and an Arsenal fan are
climbing a mountain. On the way to the top, each is arguing about how
loyal
they are to their team and what they would do for that team.
As the climb gets higher, the wagers increase. Upon reaching the top,
the Chelsea fan shouts, "This is for Chelsea!!!" and hurls himself off
the top of the mountain.
Next the Newcastle fan yells, "I love Newcastle ....This is for you my
Geordie Boys !!" and he, too, jumps off the top.
Suddenly, the Arsenal fan screams, "This is for EVERYONE!!" and pushes
the Man U fan off.