Post by Salem6 on Jul 19, 2005 22:12:16 GMT
The Fiver
19 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Loud Groans and V-Signs
* * * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER NEWSFLASH
We interrupt this daily email with important news. Well, news. At the
time of going to press (or perhaps earlier - we were watching the
Tour de France) Liverpool agreed a GBP7m fee with Southampton for
Peter Crouch, who has a great touch for a big man and will complete a
move to Anfield if he passes a medical. Although gutted to lose the
striker, Saints boss 'Arry Redknapp said: "I wish him well because
he's a terrific player. I think he'll be a great success."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
VERY OLD KING COLE
After Basile Boli cracked his cheekbone with a brutal off-the-ball
headbutt in Euro 92, Stuart Pearce told a post-match interviewer:
"There may have been a bit of a coming together, nothing to make a
fuss about." That Psycho disposition, coupled with ferocious tackling
and thighs the size of Thailand, explains why most opponents used to
tremble like Alaskan streakers at the prospect of facing the current
Manchester City manager. And it also explains why The Fiver is
confident he'll never emulate his predecessor, Kevin Keegan, and flop
in the face of flak from fans. Which is just as well, given that
today he announced that his first major signing of the summer will be
... surly 33-year-old rapper Andy "Andrew" Cole.
As most City fans greeted news of the GBP500,000 purchase of a MU
Bengals reject with loud groans and V-signs, others dashed to the
nearest bookies, grabbed free pens and immediately fired off letters
imploring Bob Geldof to come sort out the club's colossal debt, which
appears to have already consumed the GBP21m earned just yesterday
from the sale of Shaun Wright-Phillips. Pearce, as ever, could at
least be relied upon to put a brave face on the matter. "Andy
finished sixth or seventh top scorer in the Premiership last season,"
he bugled of the man who finished joint-eighth top scorer in the
Premiership last season.
"In the last three years he has played in excess of 100 matches, that
tells you what he's all about," continued Pearce, as grown men in
blue bade tearful farewells to their hopes that their club's young
manager had not inherited his predecessor's policy of providing old
war horses with one last campaign before being consigned to the glue
factory. City had been linked to Peter Crouch, Fredi Kanoute, Robbie
Keane and Nathan Ellington but ended up with a player who was at his
best when playing for their arch-rivals six years ago and even then
had a shots-to-goals ratio of 4960-1.
Still, some optimists are clinging to the belief that chairman John
Wardle may eventually be persuaded to part with a portion of the
recent windfall. Indeed, sources say Psycho is already mulling over a
multi-million pound lunge for the man he sees as the ideal
replacement for little Wright-Phillips. Though it's fair to assume
most City fans would consider Harry Kewell as a more appropriate
replacement for Steve McMana[Snip! - Fiver Lawyers].
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I thought they played very well. It's not easy to play against a team
of Real Madrid's quality. In a couple of years, maybe we'll come back
and it'll be difficult for us" - Michael Owen celebrates scoring
against Los Angeles Galaxy by patronising them to within an inch of
their lives.
*********************
RUMOUR MILL
The MU Mighty Ducks are close to cutting Kleberson loose from the
Glazer Arena, with Celta Vigo his unlucky prospective recipients.
William Hill's 4-5 odds on Chelsea winning the Premiership again could
be made to look tempting should Andriy Shevchenko's fall-out with
boss Carlo Ancelotti result in him catching the first flight to
London.
Dvd O Lry has filled up a big bucket and poured cold water on reports
linking him with a swoop for Barcelona's Javier Saviola and a swap
deal involving Darius Vassell and Man City's Sylvain Distin.
Graeme Souness will be hoping Fenerbahce have forgotten about that
Galatasaray-flag-in-the-centre-circle incident when he tries to
persuade them to sell Nicolas Anelka to Newcastle United Comedy Club
for GBP4m ...
... while the Turkish club may be prepared to forgive and forget, as
they're looking to balance the books after pinching Juve midfielder
Stephen Appiah from under Tottenham's nose.
EU passport-devotee Julio Baptista will add to the frustration at
White Hart Lane's playgroup by staying at Sevilla for one more year
in order to earn said documentation.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
People upset at missing out on a trip to north Wales shocker: Jerzy
Dudek and Milan Baros's omission from the Liverpool Big Cup squad to
play TNS tonight means they're probably out of a job.
Another doctor's note from Harry Kewell, who'll miss the start of the
season thanks to a hernia operation.
Newcastle have signed Den Haag keeper Tim Krul, who appears to be
under the illusion he has signed for someone else: "It's a fantastic
move for me to sign for such a big club," he howayed.
Howaying will be conspicuous by its absence when Lee Bowyer appears
before Newcastle magistrates court on September 5 after his on-pitch
handbags with Kieron Dyer.
Ossie Ardiles has been sacked by J-League side Tokyo Verdy after they
shipped 23 goals in five games.
And Celtic fan Adam Virgo admitted his "jaw hit the floor" when he
learned that he would be leaving Brighton to join his boyhood heroes.
Let's hope it didn't break or he won't pass tomorrow's medical.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Let's be 'aving you! Hic! Sign up NOW for Fantasy Chairman and win
GBP10,000! guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win! Win! Win! We've a three-day golf break at the Marriott St Pierre
in Chepstow up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1528462,00.html
Or else win travel, accommodation and a posh dinner with Matthew
Pinsent and Ron Dennis CBE:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1531672,00.html
CSI Fiver, the latest spin-off, dissects where we first went off the
rails with the best sports internet games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Sate your Ashes hunger with our action-packed special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Congratulations for bucking the trend of 'first letter wins T-shirt'
as soon as it was pointed out - I can only begin to imagine the
elation felt by Andy Gardner, quickly followed by the dejection as he
scrolled down. Surely any aspiring T-shirt winners will now read The
Fiver bottom first?" - Joe Kenrick, Spain.
"I hope you have forwarded Richard Lacon's (yesterday's Fiver letters)
details on to social services. Bobby Shafto? Silver buckles? With
this kind of 'nursery rhyme', his child sounds like prime material
for clocktower/gun syndrome" - John, London.
"This Bobby Shafto fellow. Why would he be wearing silver buckles on
his knees? Does he have prosthetic legs?" - Jeff Thompson.
"With talk of players bemoaning their GBP100,000-a-week wages, thought
I'd mention that the third Homeless World Cup starts tomorrow in
Edinburgh. England has a team in the 32-country street football
tournament. Good luck to all. More from www.streetsoccer.org"
- Adrian Johnson.
"Yesterday the free T-shirt for the best letter went to Wayne in
Germany and the day before to James in Australia. The cynic in me
thinks that is a cunning Fiver plan. Seeing that you will not pay
international postage you will never actually need to give any
T-shirts away!" - Matt Rodda, Australia.
"Re: Wayne Ziant's winning letter yesterday. I'd just like to point
out that I live just behind the Betsy Trotwood pub opposite Fiver
Towers. I'd be happy to pick my T-shirt up at any time" - Phil
Coppeard.
"We have a Fantasy Football League in the office and this season I've
volunteered to be the chairman. Along with the league table, the
previous Chairman used to send out an entertaining email every week.
As I'm not as funny or clever as him, is it ok if I just nick stuff
from The Fiver?" - Damian Jones, Leeds. [No it's not. Get your mates
to play our excellent Fantasy Chairman instead. They could win
GBP10,000 - Fiver Ed].
"Alan Brand has a nerve, mocking Brian Buckley's three-month holiday
in Mexico (yesterday's Fiver letters). Alan lives in Canada, which is
a holiday destination itself" - Ricky Morton, Florida.
"Am I the only one who thinks a Fiver letter containing the phrase 'my
girlfriend and Ruud van Nistelrooy' (yesterday's Fiver letters)
should be about something more interesting than the offside rule?" -
Chad Thomas.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: Phil
Coppea ... actually, no. Matt Rodda nicks it in a photo.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
ITV2: Big Cup live - TNS v Liverpool (8pm)
"Many, many years ago (about 22, I reckon) I was selling programmes
outside Dalymount Park in Dublin before Mick Martin's testimonial; it
was Ireland v The Rest of the World," recalls Eamon Martin, kicking
off today's tale of autograph-hunting anguish.
BBC2: Ann Widdecombe To The Rescue - West Brom special (8.30pm)
"With about 20 minutes of the game gone, all of the programme sellers
were let into the ground free of charge and ushered into a small area
of the stand. We were told that if we waited around after the game we
would be paid for what we had sold (5p per copy).
ITV1: Bad Girls (9pm)
"Eventually, after being duly paid, I was leaving the stand when I
saw a crowd of people gathered around Kevin Keegan, asking for his
autograph.
Five: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (9pm)
"I pushed my way in and held up my pen and programme. Unfortunately
Keggy moved forward at the same time and impaled his eye on my biro.
Major League Soccer (4.30am)
"As I ran away, fearing that I had done serious damage to the permed
one, I could still hear him crying out in pain and shouting for
help."
BBC Radio 5: Sport on Five (7pm)
Ha, ha, ha ... oh.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I watched the news that night worried I'd hear that Kevin Keegan had
been blinded and the police were on the look-out for a 12-year-old
biro-wielding madman." The worst kind of madman, in the Fiver's
experience. Anyway, can you top that? Email your botched
signature-chasing missives to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, entitled The
Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
GEORGIE THOMPSON HAS HAD HER HAIR DONE AND SHE LOOKS GREAT
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
19 July 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Loud Groans and V-Signs
* * * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER NEWSFLASH
We interrupt this daily email with important news. Well, news. At the
time of going to press (or perhaps earlier - we were watching the
Tour de France) Liverpool agreed a GBP7m fee with Southampton for
Peter Crouch, who has a great touch for a big man and will complete a
move to Anfield if he passes a medical. Although gutted to lose the
striker, Saints boss 'Arry Redknapp said: "I wish him well because
he's a terrific player. I think he'll be a great success."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
VERY OLD KING COLE
After Basile Boli cracked his cheekbone with a brutal off-the-ball
headbutt in Euro 92, Stuart Pearce told a post-match interviewer:
"There may have been a bit of a coming together, nothing to make a
fuss about." That Psycho disposition, coupled with ferocious tackling
and thighs the size of Thailand, explains why most opponents used to
tremble like Alaskan streakers at the prospect of facing the current
Manchester City manager. And it also explains why The Fiver is
confident he'll never emulate his predecessor, Kevin Keegan, and flop
in the face of flak from fans. Which is just as well, given that
today he announced that his first major signing of the summer will be
... surly 33-year-old rapper Andy "Andrew" Cole.
As most City fans greeted news of the GBP500,000 purchase of a MU
Bengals reject with loud groans and V-signs, others dashed to the
nearest bookies, grabbed free pens and immediately fired off letters
imploring Bob Geldof to come sort out the club's colossal debt, which
appears to have already consumed the GBP21m earned just yesterday
from the sale of Shaun Wright-Phillips. Pearce, as ever, could at
least be relied upon to put a brave face on the matter. "Andy
finished sixth or seventh top scorer in the Premiership last season,"
he bugled of the man who finished joint-eighth top scorer in the
Premiership last season.
"In the last three years he has played in excess of 100 matches, that
tells you what he's all about," continued Pearce, as grown men in
blue bade tearful farewells to their hopes that their club's young
manager had not inherited his predecessor's policy of providing old
war horses with one last campaign before being consigned to the glue
factory. City had been linked to Peter Crouch, Fredi Kanoute, Robbie
Keane and Nathan Ellington but ended up with a player who was at his
best when playing for their arch-rivals six years ago and even then
had a shots-to-goals ratio of 4960-1.
Still, some optimists are clinging to the belief that chairman John
Wardle may eventually be persuaded to part with a portion of the
recent windfall. Indeed, sources say Psycho is already mulling over a
multi-million pound lunge for the man he sees as the ideal
replacement for little Wright-Phillips. Though it's fair to assume
most City fans would consider Harry Kewell as a more appropriate
replacement for Steve McMana[Snip! - Fiver Lawyers].
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I thought they played very well. It's not easy to play against a team
of Real Madrid's quality. In a couple of years, maybe we'll come back
and it'll be difficult for us" - Michael Owen celebrates scoring
against Los Angeles Galaxy by patronising them to within an inch of
their lives.
*********************
RUMOUR MILL
The MU Mighty Ducks are close to cutting Kleberson loose from the
Glazer Arena, with Celta Vigo his unlucky prospective recipients.
William Hill's 4-5 odds on Chelsea winning the Premiership again could
be made to look tempting should Andriy Shevchenko's fall-out with
boss Carlo Ancelotti result in him catching the first flight to
London.
Dvd O Lry has filled up a big bucket and poured cold water on reports
linking him with a swoop for Barcelona's Javier Saviola and a swap
deal involving Darius Vassell and Man City's Sylvain Distin.
Graeme Souness will be hoping Fenerbahce have forgotten about that
Galatasaray-flag-in-the-centre-circle incident when he tries to
persuade them to sell Nicolas Anelka to Newcastle United Comedy Club
for GBP4m ...
... while the Turkish club may be prepared to forgive and forget, as
they're looking to balance the books after pinching Juve midfielder
Stephen Appiah from under Tottenham's nose.
EU passport-devotee Julio Baptista will add to the frustration at
White Hart Lane's playgroup by staying at Sevilla for one more year
in order to earn said documentation.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
People upset at missing out on a trip to north Wales shocker: Jerzy
Dudek and Milan Baros's omission from the Liverpool Big Cup squad to
play TNS tonight means they're probably out of a job.
Another doctor's note from Harry Kewell, who'll miss the start of the
season thanks to a hernia operation.
Newcastle have signed Den Haag keeper Tim Krul, who appears to be
under the illusion he has signed for someone else: "It's a fantastic
move for me to sign for such a big club," he howayed.
Howaying will be conspicuous by its absence when Lee Bowyer appears
before Newcastle magistrates court on September 5 after his on-pitch
handbags with Kieron Dyer.
Ossie Ardiles has been sacked by J-League side Tokyo Verdy after they
shipped 23 goals in five games.
And Celtic fan Adam Virgo admitted his "jaw hit the floor" when he
learned that he would be leaving Brighton to join his boyhood heroes.
Let's hope it didn't break or he won't pass tomorrow's medical.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Let's be 'aving you! Hic! Sign up NOW for Fantasy Chairman and win
GBP10,000! guardian.fantasyleague.com/
Sign up NOW for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win! Win! Win! We've a three-day golf break at the Marriott St Pierre
in Chepstow up for grabs:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1528462,00.html
Or else win travel, accommodation and a posh dinner with Matthew
Pinsent and Ron Dennis CBE:
sport.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,15079,1531672,00.html
CSI Fiver, the latest spin-off, dissects where we first went off the
rails with the best sports internet games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
Sate your Ashes hunger with our action-packed special report:
sport.guardian.co.uk/ashes2005/
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Congratulations for bucking the trend of 'first letter wins T-shirt'
as soon as it was pointed out - I can only begin to imagine the
elation felt by Andy Gardner, quickly followed by the dejection as he
scrolled down. Surely any aspiring T-shirt winners will now read The
Fiver bottom first?" - Joe Kenrick, Spain.
"I hope you have forwarded Richard Lacon's (yesterday's Fiver letters)
details on to social services. Bobby Shafto? Silver buckles? With
this kind of 'nursery rhyme', his child sounds like prime material
for clocktower/gun syndrome" - John, London.
"This Bobby Shafto fellow. Why would he be wearing silver buckles on
his knees? Does he have prosthetic legs?" - Jeff Thompson.
"With talk of players bemoaning their GBP100,000-a-week wages, thought
I'd mention that the third Homeless World Cup starts tomorrow in
Edinburgh. England has a team in the 32-country street football
tournament. Good luck to all. More from www.streetsoccer.org"
- Adrian Johnson.
"Yesterday the free T-shirt for the best letter went to Wayne in
Germany and the day before to James in Australia. The cynic in me
thinks that is a cunning Fiver plan. Seeing that you will not pay
international postage you will never actually need to give any
T-shirts away!" - Matt Rodda, Australia.
"Re: Wayne Ziant's winning letter yesterday. I'd just like to point
out that I live just behind the Betsy Trotwood pub opposite Fiver
Towers. I'd be happy to pick my T-shirt up at any time" - Phil
Coppeard.
"We have a Fantasy Football League in the office and this season I've
volunteered to be the chairman. Along with the league table, the
previous Chairman used to send out an entertaining email every week.
As I'm not as funny or clever as him, is it ok if I just nick stuff
from The Fiver?" - Damian Jones, Leeds. [No it's not. Get your mates
to play our excellent Fantasy Chairman instead. They could win
GBP10,000 - Fiver Ed].
"Alan Brand has a nerve, mocking Brian Buckley's three-month holiday
in Mexico (yesterday's Fiver letters). Alan lives in Canada, which is
a holiday destination itself" - Ricky Morton, Florida.
"Am I the only one who thinks a Fiver letter containing the phrase 'my
girlfriend and Ruud van Nistelrooy' (yesterday's Fiver letters)
should be about something more interesting than the offside rule?" -
Chad Thomas.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk. The best letter of the day will win a classy
T-shirt from fiver.goalhanger.com/. Today's winner: Phil
Coppea ... actually, no. Matt Rodda nicks it in a photo.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
ITV2: Big Cup live - TNS v Liverpool (8pm)
"Many, many years ago (about 22, I reckon) I was selling programmes
outside Dalymount Park in Dublin before Mick Martin's testimonial; it
was Ireland v The Rest of the World," recalls Eamon Martin, kicking
off today's tale of autograph-hunting anguish.
BBC2: Ann Widdecombe To The Rescue - West Brom special (8.30pm)
"With about 20 minutes of the game gone, all of the programme sellers
were let into the ground free of charge and ushered into a small area
of the stand. We were told that if we waited around after the game we
would be paid for what we had sold (5p per copy).
ITV1: Bad Girls (9pm)
"Eventually, after being duly paid, I was leaving the stand when I
saw a crowd of people gathered around Kevin Keegan, asking for his
autograph.
Five: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (9pm)
"I pushed my way in and held up my pen and programme. Unfortunately
Keggy moved forward at the same time and impaled his eye on my biro.
Major League Soccer (4.30am)
"As I ran away, fearing that I had done serious damage to the permed
one, I could still hear him crying out in pain and shouting for
help."
BBC Radio 5: Sport on Five (7pm)
Ha, ha, ha ... oh.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"I watched the news that night worried I'd hear that Kevin Keegan had
been blinded and the police were on the look-out for a 12-year-old
biro-wielding madman." The worst kind of madman, in the Fiver's
experience. Anyway, can you top that? Email your botched
signature-chasing missives to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, entitled The
Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
GEORGIE THOMPSON HAS HAD HER HAIR DONE AND SHE LOOKS GREAT
The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.