Post by Salem6 on Jun 21, 2005 22:02:59 GMT
The Fiver
21 June 2005
In today's Fiver: Tattooed and Topless
* * * * * * * * * * * *
LUIS LIPS SINK SHIPS
When the Fiver logged on to Newcastle United's official website
earlier this afternoon to be greeted by a picture of recent
Portsmouth acquisition Andy O'Brien gazing back at us in full Toon
regalia, we realised we'd probably gone to the wrong place in search
of breaking news. However, one little story did at least catch our
beady eye. One-time popular Newcastle skipper and unpopular West Ham
manager Glenn Roeder has returned from the football wilderness to be
appointed Academy Manager at St James's Park. "I am looking forward
to unearthing some talented youngsters who I hope will eventually
make it into the first team," he declared, oblivious to the fact that
the Fiver was only writing down his platitudes in order to set up a
laboured gag.
One youngster who could well make the grade with Roeder is Luis Filipe
Madeira Caeiro Figo (32), a boy who was once a bit special, but not
so much anymore that he wouldn't consider spending his twilight years
going through the motions with Stephen Carr and Shola Ameobi if he
thought the price was right. Having proved he's not immune to the
lure of cold, hard cash by deserting Barcelona for Real Madrid, it
came as no surprise to learn that young Figo's antennae started
twitching when Graeme Souness enquired if he'd like to end his career
playing for huge amounts of money in front of tattooed and topless
Geordies week in week out.
"There is an interest there as far as Figo is concerned, but we do not
want to say any more at the moment," bawled an uncharacteristically
lost-for-words Souness to an uninterested old lady feeding some ducks
on the Tyne. And with Real so eager to get Figo off their wage bill
they're happy to give him away, talks between Newcastle and the
player's representatives are ongoing, with the Portugeezer apparently
eager to test himself in the Premiership for a whopping
GBP4.5m-per-year. So will Newcastle get their man? With a gaping
Nightclub Patrick-shaped void on the payroll, surely there's room in
the dressing room for another continental mercenary with not too much
left in the tank?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He made unwanted physical overtures to me. At his flat on one
occasion in 2003, he tried to hold me close and kiss me while I left.
On several occasions when we were alone in the lift together, he
would try and kiss me on the lips. I would rebuff him" - Faria Alam
tells an employment tribunal about FA chief executive David Davies'
alleged sexual harassment.
*********************
ADVERT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get email on your phone:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Guti reckons the only place he could play after Real Madrid is
Arsenal.
No town is big enough for pie-lovers Mark Viduka, and Yakubu, so small
wonder the fat Australian is leaving Middlesbrough. Massimo
Maccarone, Szilard Nemeth and Joseph Job may also be offloaded.
Liverpool legend Bruno Cheyrou will finally leave Anfield for good.
OK, for Sochaux.
Karim Essediri has sniffed that he's got no serious offers to
consider. Which won't please Leeds and Crystal Palace. They want him,
see.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Liverpool will be seeded for the first round of next season's Big Cup,
which means they can look forward to a tussle with the likes of Total
Network Solutions or Kazakhstan's FC Kairat Almaty.
Radhi Jaidi's decided he doesn't fancy leaving Bolton after all, and
says he'll be happy to sign a new two-year deal when he gets back
from international duty.
Algerian boss Ali Fergani has been sacked after defeat to Zimbabwe saw
them out of qualification for the African Nations Cup.
And closer to home, scruffy former Weymouth player-boss Steve Claridge
has been confirmed as the new manager of Millwall.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Steven Wells on a racial divide that stunts football's growth in the
US:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1508828,00.html
Rev yourself up for the Ashes by subscribing to The Fiver's cricketing
cousin, The Spin: sport.guardian.co.uk/thespin/
From Ronaldo to Jason McAteer, all the greats have had the Small Talk
treatment: sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/
Buy some over-priced strawberries and cream, skive off work and follow
our game-by-game reports from Wimbledon tomorrow:
sport.guardian.co.uk/wimbledon2005
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Richard Williams argues that it is
time for Lance Armstrong to help one of his team-mates win the Tour
de France, while Greg Wood explains how the Channel 4 deal affects
racing.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Great gag about 'Clive Woodward's English Lions' in yesterday's
Fiver. I bet you get lots of patronising, smug emails from imbeciles
who didn't get it, accusing you of being stupid or anti-Celt" - Geoff
Turner.
"Re: the 'English Lions' (yesterday's Fiver). Has it occurred to you
that the team might actually be more correctly termed 'The British &
Irish Lions'. Tut, tut, Fiver!" - Gavin Dudley, Aotearoa (plus Max
Newton, Jimmy Poland and Alastair Connor).
"Re: yesterday's news in brief. Is there a connection between the fact
that the FA has refused to reveal the identity of three players
banned for allegedly using drugs and the very next story - Bongo FC
trio Kenny Cunningham, Clinton Morrison and Mario Melchiot having
been given permission to report back late for pre-season training?" -
Richard Lane. [No there isn't - Fiver Lawyers].
"I am sure Chris Rea is a Boro fan, as in the build-up to the 1997
Chelsea v Middlesbrough FA Cup final, he was interviewed by the BBC
where he professed his love for Boro. He also said he wouldn't be at
the final as he was recording in Germany. Not that big a fan then" -
Steve McCormack. [Wot, no Driving Home For Christmas, but not for the
FA Cup final gag? - Fiver Ed].
"Re: Celebrity Rotherham fans the Chuckle Brothers (yesterday's Fiver
letters). I suggest to the powers that be at Millmoor that they 'do a
Watford' and invite their most famous sons to perform a concert at
the ground to improve their club's financial standing. Elton John's
gig last Saturday at Vicarage Road was a sell-out and I can think of
no reason why the Chuckle Brothers could not do the same for the
Millers" - Neill Brown.
"I can't understand why more quality players don't step down the
Stairway to Heaven at Half Penny Green airport, Wolverhampton. What
more could any fading Premiership star want than a fat retirement pay
cheque and the sight of Robert Plant's dishevelled blond locks
waiting for them at the bottom?" - Richard Hazeldine.
"If you don't put an end to this Fantasy Fiver (Fiver letters passim)
thing, you'll soon have idiots trying to get ridiculous phrases
printed in order to get 15 bonus points and wipe the smug smile off
the gurning face of that wally in recruitment. Ridiculous phrases
like ... [Letter cut due to space restrictions - Fiver Ed]" - Phil
Coxon, Birmingham.
"In your transfer rumours section please can you link Manchester City
with some decent players, even if you obviously have to make it up?"
- David Cooper.
"Re: my own letter about Ashley Cole's engagement (yesterday's Fiver
letters). Does the Fiver love Cheryl Tweedy? It would explain the
substitution of my 'a month's salary on an engagement ring for the
lady you love' (what I sent in) with 'the lady I love' (what
appeared). This must go down as a point for the PR types as another
example of a lazy hack who can't even copy and paste" - Michael
Keegan.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
British Eurosport: Confederations Cup - Greece v Japan (6pm)
This week's riff is about your holiday nightmares, which is handy
because that's exactly what John Fagg wants to tell us about.
Germany v Argentina and Tunisia v Australia (10pm)
"My special lady and I went to stay with a mutual friend and her
family in a town in northern Morocco. Among the suggested activities
was standing in attendance at a distant cousin's wedding," says Mr
Fagg, setting the scene.
Five: Confederations Cup highlights (12.25am)
"I dutifully donned the traditional Moroccan outfit supplied by her
brother and - slightly concerned that he was wearing a suit and tie
while I was sporting bright yellow pointy slippers paired with a
hooded robe not unlike those worn by the Jawa people in Star Wars -
set off for the wedding.
Sky Sports 2: The Hong Kong Soccer Sevens (7pm)
"As it turned out, these relatives were less well-to-do than my
friend's family and a number of 'toughs' were present.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
" Also, as the wedding was segregated along gender lines, my friend
and girlfriend were in another room and none of the men spoke
English. And, without a single exception, the other male guests had
favoured 'Western dress,' many choosing to imitate the style of their
favourite American hip-hop artists.
Talksport: Evening Kick Off (7pm)
"I spent five hours staring at the floor surrounded by hard,
inebriated brutes ... while decked out in what appeared to be a
ridiculous parody of their national costume."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Psychological torture!" Has your R&R ever taken a similarly testing
turn for the worse? Tell the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking your
messages The Summer of My Discontent.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE'VE BITTEN OFF WAY MORE THAN WE CAN CHEW
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
21 June 2005
In today's Fiver: Tattooed and Topless
* * * * * * * * * * * *
LUIS LIPS SINK SHIPS
When the Fiver logged on to Newcastle United's official website
earlier this afternoon to be greeted by a picture of recent
Portsmouth acquisition Andy O'Brien gazing back at us in full Toon
regalia, we realised we'd probably gone to the wrong place in search
of breaking news. However, one little story did at least catch our
beady eye. One-time popular Newcastle skipper and unpopular West Ham
manager Glenn Roeder has returned from the football wilderness to be
appointed Academy Manager at St James's Park. "I am looking forward
to unearthing some talented youngsters who I hope will eventually
make it into the first team," he declared, oblivious to the fact that
the Fiver was only writing down his platitudes in order to set up a
laboured gag.
One youngster who could well make the grade with Roeder is Luis Filipe
Madeira Caeiro Figo (32), a boy who was once a bit special, but not
so much anymore that he wouldn't consider spending his twilight years
going through the motions with Stephen Carr and Shola Ameobi if he
thought the price was right. Having proved he's not immune to the
lure of cold, hard cash by deserting Barcelona for Real Madrid, it
came as no surprise to learn that young Figo's antennae started
twitching when Graeme Souness enquired if he'd like to end his career
playing for huge amounts of money in front of tattooed and topless
Geordies week in week out.
"There is an interest there as far as Figo is concerned, but we do not
want to say any more at the moment," bawled an uncharacteristically
lost-for-words Souness to an uninterested old lady feeding some ducks
on the Tyne. And with Real so eager to get Figo off their wage bill
they're happy to give him away, talks between Newcastle and the
player's representatives are ongoing, with the Portugeezer apparently
eager to test himself in the Premiership for a whopping
GBP4.5m-per-year. So will Newcastle get their man? With a gaping
Nightclub Patrick-shaped void on the payroll, surely there's room in
the dressing room for another continental mercenary with not too much
left in the tank?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He made unwanted physical overtures to me. At his flat on one
occasion in 2003, he tried to hold me close and kiss me while I left.
On several occasions when we were alone in the lift together, he
would try and kiss me on the lips. I would rebuff him" - Faria Alam
tells an employment tribunal about FA chief executive David Davies'
alleged sexual harassment.
*********************
ADVERT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get email on your phone:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Guti reckons the only place he could play after Real Madrid is
Arsenal.
No town is big enough for pie-lovers Mark Viduka, and Yakubu, so small
wonder the fat Australian is leaving Middlesbrough. Massimo
Maccarone, Szilard Nemeth and Joseph Job may also be offloaded.
Liverpool legend Bruno Cheyrou will finally leave Anfield for good.
OK, for Sochaux.
Karim Essediri has sniffed that he's got no serious offers to
consider. Which won't please Leeds and Crystal Palace. They want him,
see.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Liverpool will be seeded for the first round of next season's Big Cup,
which means they can look forward to a tussle with the likes of Total
Network Solutions or Kazakhstan's FC Kairat Almaty.
Radhi Jaidi's decided he doesn't fancy leaving Bolton after all, and
says he'll be happy to sign a new two-year deal when he gets back
from international duty.
Algerian boss Ali Fergani has been sacked after defeat to Zimbabwe saw
them out of qualification for the African Nations Cup.
And closer to home, scruffy former Weymouth player-boss Steve Claridge
has been confirmed as the new manager of Millwall.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Steven Wells on a racial divide that stunts football's growth in the
US:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1508828,00.html
Rev yourself up for the Ashes by subscribing to The Fiver's cricketing
cousin, The Spin: sport.guardian.co.uk/thespin/
From Ronaldo to Jason McAteer, all the greats have had the Small Talk
treatment: sport.guardian.co.uk/smalltalk/
Buy some over-priced strawberries and cream, skive off work and follow
our game-by-game reports from Wimbledon tomorrow:
sport.guardian.co.uk/wimbledon2005
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Richard Williams argues that it is
time for Lance Armstrong to help one of his team-mates win the Tour
de France, while Greg Wood explains how the Channel 4 deal affects
racing.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Great gag about 'Clive Woodward's English Lions' in yesterday's
Fiver. I bet you get lots of patronising, smug emails from imbeciles
who didn't get it, accusing you of being stupid or anti-Celt" - Geoff
Turner.
"Re: the 'English Lions' (yesterday's Fiver). Has it occurred to you
that the team might actually be more correctly termed 'The British &
Irish Lions'. Tut, tut, Fiver!" - Gavin Dudley, Aotearoa (plus Max
Newton, Jimmy Poland and Alastair Connor).
"Re: yesterday's news in brief. Is there a connection between the fact
that the FA has refused to reveal the identity of three players
banned for allegedly using drugs and the very next story - Bongo FC
trio Kenny Cunningham, Clinton Morrison and Mario Melchiot having
been given permission to report back late for pre-season training?" -
Richard Lane. [No there isn't - Fiver Lawyers].
"I am sure Chris Rea is a Boro fan, as in the build-up to the 1997
Chelsea v Middlesbrough FA Cup final, he was interviewed by the BBC
where he professed his love for Boro. He also said he wouldn't be at
the final as he was recording in Germany. Not that big a fan then" -
Steve McCormack. [Wot, no Driving Home For Christmas, but not for the
FA Cup final gag? - Fiver Ed].
"Re: Celebrity Rotherham fans the Chuckle Brothers (yesterday's Fiver
letters). I suggest to the powers that be at Millmoor that they 'do a
Watford' and invite their most famous sons to perform a concert at
the ground to improve their club's financial standing. Elton John's
gig last Saturday at Vicarage Road was a sell-out and I can think of
no reason why the Chuckle Brothers could not do the same for the
Millers" - Neill Brown.
"I can't understand why more quality players don't step down the
Stairway to Heaven at Half Penny Green airport, Wolverhampton. What
more could any fading Premiership star want than a fat retirement pay
cheque and the sight of Robert Plant's dishevelled blond locks
waiting for them at the bottom?" - Richard Hazeldine.
"If you don't put an end to this Fantasy Fiver (Fiver letters passim)
thing, you'll soon have idiots trying to get ridiculous phrases
printed in order to get 15 bonus points and wipe the smug smile off
the gurning face of that wally in recruitment. Ridiculous phrases
like ... [Letter cut due to space restrictions - Fiver Ed]" - Phil
Coxon, Birmingham.
"In your transfer rumours section please can you link Manchester City
with some decent players, even if you obviously have to make it up?"
- David Cooper.
"Re: my own letter about Ashley Cole's engagement (yesterday's Fiver
letters). Does the Fiver love Cheryl Tweedy? It would explain the
substitution of my 'a month's salary on an engagement ring for the
lady you love' (what I sent in) with 'the lady I love' (what
appeared). This must go down as a point for the PR types as another
example of a lazy hack who can't even copy and paste" - Michael
Keegan.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
British Eurosport: Confederations Cup - Greece v Japan (6pm)
This week's riff is about your holiday nightmares, which is handy
because that's exactly what John Fagg wants to tell us about.
Germany v Argentina and Tunisia v Australia (10pm)
"My special lady and I went to stay with a mutual friend and her
family in a town in northern Morocco. Among the suggested activities
was standing in attendance at a distant cousin's wedding," says Mr
Fagg, setting the scene.
Five: Confederations Cup highlights (12.25am)
"I dutifully donned the traditional Moroccan outfit supplied by her
brother and - slightly concerned that he was wearing a suit and tie
while I was sporting bright yellow pointy slippers paired with a
hooded robe not unlike those worn by the Jawa people in Star Wars -
set off for the wedding.
Sky Sports 2: The Hong Kong Soccer Sevens (7pm)
"As it turned out, these relatives were less well-to-do than my
friend's family and a number of 'toughs' were present.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
" Also, as the wedding was segregated along gender lines, my friend
and girlfriend were in another room and none of the men spoke
English. And, without a single exception, the other male guests had
favoured 'Western dress,' many choosing to imitate the style of their
favourite American hip-hop artists.
Talksport: Evening Kick Off (7pm)
"I spent five hours staring at the floor surrounded by hard,
inebriated brutes ... while decked out in what appeared to be a
ridiculous parody of their national costume."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off The Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"Psychological torture!" Has your R&R ever taken a similarly testing
turn for the worse? Tell the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking your
messages The Summer of My Discontent.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WE'VE BITTEN OFF WAY MORE THAN WE CAN CHEW
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester