Post by Salem6 on Jun 20, 2005 17:09:52 GMT
The Fiver
20 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Soothing Caress
* * * * * * * * * * * *
BLUE MONDAY
Today, with all the depressing predictability of a Jo Brand fat gag,
Chelsea took out their chequebooks and made a GBP16.75m bid for Lyon
midfielder Michael Essien. Usually what happens next is as
straightforward as a Russian oligarch buying cut-price utility shares
from a confused peasant: club accepts bid, player agrees
GBP70,000-a-week deal, player moves to Chelsea. But these are
cheese-eating surrender-monkeys we're talking about, and today they
cried "Non! Non! Non!" (possibly with added raspy accents and comical
gestures too).
"25m Euros (GBP16.75m)? Of course not," spluttered Lyon chairman
Jean-Michel Aulas, while not choking on a raw onion he's been wearing
around his neck moments previously. "We have already refused that.
Essien is worth much, much more." How much more? Well, informed
sources in France suggest Lyon are holding out for GBP24m - the same
price Chelsea frittered on Didier Drogba. "Chelsea, who are the only
club openly interested in Essien, are putting quite strong pressure
on us but we are going to do all we can to keep him," harrumphed
pain-in-the Aulas. "He is a jewel and one of the best players in
Europe."
And it proved to be a bad day all round for Peter Kenyon and co. For
not long afterwards Barcelona's Samuel Eto'o, a striker who's about
as prolific as Drogba is profligate, revealed he'd also turned down a
big-money move. Eto'o told Sport: "I had an offer from Chelsea but I
wanted to stay at Barca. The most important thing is not money and my
wife put her foot down over the idea of packing our bags and going to
a city like London, and I have to respect her." And while the
temptation to go out on an obvious pay-off about the brilliant
Cameroon striker being hen-pecked by his missus is overwhelming, the
soothing caress of the blue steel gun-barrel Mrs Fiver is holding
against our temple suggests that now might be as good a time as any
for us to break from tradition and resist it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I am not having a meeting with Graeme Souness to discuss the
situation with Craig Bellamy. The situation has not changed, it is as
simple as that" - Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd rubbishes
rumours that a certain Welshman might return to St James's Park, and
then some.
*********************
ADVERT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get email on your phone:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Duncan Ferguson will be thrilled to hear that popular team-player and
dressing room asset Craig Bellamy will ink a GBP5.5m,
GBP45,000-per-week deal to play for Everton next season, while
Udinese's Danish defender Per Kroldrup is also on his way to Goodison
Park.
Tottenham Hotspur will sign wantaway Crystal Palace penalty-getter
Andy Johnson in a bid to maintain mid-table respectability in the
Premiership next season.
The number of Austrian left-backs named Emanuel Pogatez at
Middlesbrough looks set to increase by one, while Boro boss Steve
McClaren is also giving Juventus midfielder Stephen Appiah the glad
eye.
Having finally wrung the last few drops of Survival Sunday champagne
from his best bib and tucker, West Brom manager Bryan Robson has
taken a liking to the cut of Bongo FC midfielder Darren Carter's jib.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
FC United of Manchester have been granted a place in the North West
Counties League next season and it's estimated 3,000 disenchanted MU
Rowdies fans have pledged their support to the new venture. Out of
millions worldwide.
Southampton have refused to confirm that Sir Clive Woodward will work
alongside manager Harry Redknapp when he returns from the English
Lions tour to New Zealand.
Liverpool have borrowed Shareholders United's "not for sale" banners
and are hanging them across the giant furrow that passes for skipper
Steven Gerrard's forehead as we speak.
Nightclub Patrick will play for Valencia next season after passing a
medical at the second time of asking.
Despite criticism from Anti-Doping Chief, Dick Pound, the FA has
refused to reveal the identity of three players banned for allegedly
using drugs. They are ... [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers].
Bongo FC trio Kenny Cunningham, Clinton Morrison and Mario Melchiot
have been given permission to report back late for pre-season
training because of their international commitments earlier this
month ...
In a phone poll conducted by the Birmingham Evening Mail, 94% of Bongo
FC fans said they wanted their club to sign Lee Bowyer. Rumours that
they were Aston Villa and Newcastle fans in disguise have been
greatly exaggerated ...
* * * * * * * * * * *
BORED WITH WORK?
Laugh at our women's football gallery, then draw Brian Kerr and win
prizes: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1507166,00.html
Everybody else is hammering the Aussies, so you might as well too. To
play the fabulously entertaining Stick Cricket - and other excellent
free internet sports games - click here :
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And don't forget to follow Tiger Tim and Maria Sharapova's progress
tomorrow as our all-singing, all-dancing game-by-game Wimbledon
reports continue. [Disclaimer: may not actually sing or dance]:
sport.guardian.co.uk/wimbledon2005
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Ashley Cole forking out GBP50,000 on an engagement ring for new
fiancee Cheryl Tweedy. I understand that it is customary for a man to
spend a month's salary on an engagement ring for the lady I love.
Last I heard, Ashley was on GBP27,000 a week - the tight get!" -
Michael Keegan, London.
"To correct Richard Warr (Friday's Fiver letters), who should really
have thought this through, the head-butt is a butt to someone's head
or face. You can butt people anywhere you like, but there's only one
area a head-butt will land" - Alex McGibbon (and several others).
"In an effort to get Real Madrid's Guti to sign on the dotted line, I
suggest that Wigan follow the Rangers/Sean Connery tactic and have
Stuart Maconie there to meet the player at the airport" - Robin
Burchfield.
"Re: celebrity fans. Pity poor Rotherham supporters, who are unlikely
to sign any fancy foreigners with just the Chuckle Brothers to meet
them at the airport" - Martin McQuaid, Sheffield.
"Jon Cartwright (Friday's Fiver letters) is wrong to suggest that
Chris Rea is a Boro fan. According to Rea, in an interview on
Saturday Swap Shop in the 1980s, he supports Man Utd. Boro do have
celeb fans though: Bob Mortimer, Roy 'Chubby' Brown and that lad off
Ballykissangel are all Reds. As is former Gladiator, Jet" - Paul
Bowen.
"Seeing as women's football draws bigger crowds at Rovers than the
interminable drivel served up by Mark Useless, should we expect to
see Rachel Unitt lining up along side Lily Savage next season? It
would be interesting, if only to see which of them takes two bottles
into the shower" - Peter Hart.
"Can I just say that Johnny Johnson's Fantasy Fiver idea is
ridiculous. What kind of fool is going to reply to letters like his
just to edge him further ahead of his mates in a stupid game?" - Roy
Ward.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win a car - it's even new and shiny - in our top competition:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Robert Kitson profiles Lions skipper
Brian O'Driscoll, while Martina Navratilova gives us her thoughts on
events at SW19.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Confederations Cup Football Highlights - Tunisia v Germany
(1.35am)
"Back in 1987, an extended holiday saw me driving a VW camper van
through Europe and on to Turkey and Syria," sighs Nigel Benton,
kicking off another week of Bad Holiday tales.
Australia v Argentina (3am)
"Somewhere in the Syrian desert we were flagged down by a military
patrol. They were very interested in the contents of the van, and
decided to help themselves to some of it.
Sky Sports 1: Hong Kong Soccer Sevens (9pm)
"The principal loss was my Sony Walkman (this was the time before CD
things, nevermind iPods) and the tape inside - The Cure's greatest
hits.
Sky Sports Xtra: Soccer Asia (6pm)
"To make it worse, one of the soldiers wandered off with the
earphones in, listening to Killing an Arab. It summed up my mood, but
they had the guns.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
"Much later, the aforementioned camper van, adorned with stickers
like 'Damascus', 'Palmyra' etc caused a minor security scare when
parked near Salisbury Cathedral.
Talksport: Evening Kick Off (7pm)
"It turned out that my chosen parking spot was outside Ted Heath's
home and his security people reckoned it could have been a car bomb.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball (7pm)
"Fortunately I arrived back at my vehicle before the bomb squad!"
Have you had a holiday disaster? Well, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
- marked: It Would Be So Nice.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
YOU BRING THE SAUSAGES, I'LL BRING THE SIZZLE
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
20 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Soothing Caress
* * * * * * * * * * * *
BLUE MONDAY
Today, with all the depressing predictability of a Jo Brand fat gag,
Chelsea took out their chequebooks and made a GBP16.75m bid for Lyon
midfielder Michael Essien. Usually what happens next is as
straightforward as a Russian oligarch buying cut-price utility shares
from a confused peasant: club accepts bid, player agrees
GBP70,000-a-week deal, player moves to Chelsea. But these are
cheese-eating surrender-monkeys we're talking about, and today they
cried "Non! Non! Non!" (possibly with added raspy accents and comical
gestures too).
"25m Euros (GBP16.75m)? Of course not," spluttered Lyon chairman
Jean-Michel Aulas, while not choking on a raw onion he's been wearing
around his neck moments previously. "We have already refused that.
Essien is worth much, much more." How much more? Well, informed
sources in France suggest Lyon are holding out for GBP24m - the same
price Chelsea frittered on Didier Drogba. "Chelsea, who are the only
club openly interested in Essien, are putting quite strong pressure
on us but we are going to do all we can to keep him," harrumphed
pain-in-the Aulas. "He is a jewel and one of the best players in
Europe."
And it proved to be a bad day all round for Peter Kenyon and co. For
not long afterwards Barcelona's Samuel Eto'o, a striker who's about
as prolific as Drogba is profligate, revealed he'd also turned down a
big-money move. Eto'o told Sport: "I had an offer from Chelsea but I
wanted to stay at Barca. The most important thing is not money and my
wife put her foot down over the idea of packing our bags and going to
a city like London, and I have to respect her." And while the
temptation to go out on an obvious pay-off about the brilliant
Cameroon striker being hen-pecked by his missus is overwhelming, the
soothing caress of the blue steel gun-barrel Mrs Fiver is holding
against our temple suggests that now might be as good a time as any
for us to break from tradition and resist it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I am not having a meeting with Graeme Souness to discuss the
situation with Craig Bellamy. The situation has not changed, it is as
simple as that" - Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd rubbishes
rumours that a certain Welshman might return to St James's Park, and
then some.
*********************
ADVERT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get email on your phone:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Duncan Ferguson will be thrilled to hear that popular team-player and
dressing room asset Craig Bellamy will ink a GBP5.5m,
GBP45,000-per-week deal to play for Everton next season, while
Udinese's Danish defender Per Kroldrup is also on his way to Goodison
Park.
Tottenham Hotspur will sign wantaway Crystal Palace penalty-getter
Andy Johnson in a bid to maintain mid-table respectability in the
Premiership next season.
The number of Austrian left-backs named Emanuel Pogatez at
Middlesbrough looks set to increase by one, while Boro boss Steve
McClaren is also giving Juventus midfielder Stephen Appiah the glad
eye.
Having finally wrung the last few drops of Survival Sunday champagne
from his best bib and tucker, West Brom manager Bryan Robson has
taken a liking to the cut of Bongo FC midfielder Darren Carter's jib.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
FC United of Manchester have been granted a place in the North West
Counties League next season and it's estimated 3,000 disenchanted MU
Rowdies fans have pledged their support to the new venture. Out of
millions worldwide.
Southampton have refused to confirm that Sir Clive Woodward will work
alongside manager Harry Redknapp when he returns from the English
Lions tour to New Zealand.
Liverpool have borrowed Shareholders United's "not for sale" banners
and are hanging them across the giant furrow that passes for skipper
Steven Gerrard's forehead as we speak.
Nightclub Patrick will play for Valencia next season after passing a
medical at the second time of asking.
Despite criticism from Anti-Doping Chief, Dick Pound, the FA has
refused to reveal the identity of three players banned for allegedly
using drugs. They are ... [Snip! - Fiver Lawyers].
Bongo FC trio Kenny Cunningham, Clinton Morrison and Mario Melchiot
have been given permission to report back late for pre-season
training because of their international commitments earlier this
month ...
In a phone poll conducted by the Birmingham Evening Mail, 94% of Bongo
FC fans said they wanted their club to sign Lee Bowyer. Rumours that
they were Aston Villa and Newcastle fans in disguise have been
greatly exaggerated ...
* * * * * * * * * * *
BORED WITH WORK?
Laugh at our women's football gallery, then draw Brian Kerr and win
prizes: football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1507166,00.html
Everybody else is hammering the Aussies, so you might as well too. To
play the fabulously entertaining Stick Cricket - and other excellent
free internet sports games - click here :
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
And don't forget to follow Tiger Tim and Maria Sharapova's progress
tomorrow as our all-singing, all-dancing game-by-game Wimbledon
reports continue. [Disclaimer: may not actually sing or dance]:
sport.guardian.co.uk/wimbledon2005
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Ashley Cole forking out GBP50,000 on an engagement ring for new
fiancee Cheryl Tweedy. I understand that it is customary for a man to
spend a month's salary on an engagement ring for the lady I love.
Last I heard, Ashley was on GBP27,000 a week - the tight get!" -
Michael Keegan, London.
"To correct Richard Warr (Friday's Fiver letters), who should really
have thought this through, the head-butt is a butt to someone's head
or face. You can butt people anywhere you like, but there's only one
area a head-butt will land" - Alex McGibbon (and several others).
"In an effort to get Real Madrid's Guti to sign on the dotted line, I
suggest that Wigan follow the Rangers/Sean Connery tactic and have
Stuart Maconie there to meet the player at the airport" - Robin
Burchfield.
"Re: celebrity fans. Pity poor Rotherham supporters, who are unlikely
to sign any fancy foreigners with just the Chuckle Brothers to meet
them at the airport" - Martin McQuaid, Sheffield.
"Jon Cartwright (Friday's Fiver letters) is wrong to suggest that
Chris Rea is a Boro fan. According to Rea, in an interview on
Saturday Swap Shop in the 1980s, he supports Man Utd. Boro do have
celeb fans though: Bob Mortimer, Roy 'Chubby' Brown and that lad off
Ballykissangel are all Reds. As is former Gladiator, Jet" - Paul
Bowen.
"Seeing as women's football draws bigger crowds at Rovers than the
interminable drivel served up by Mark Useless, should we expect to
see Rachel Unitt lining up along side Lily Savage next season? It
would be interesting, if only to see which of them takes two bottles
into the shower" - Peter Hart.
"Can I just say that Johnny Johnson's Fantasy Fiver idea is
ridiculous. What kind of fool is going to reply to letters like his
just to edge him further ahead of his mates in a stupid game?" - Roy
Ward.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for FREE news alerts, sent FREE to your desktop - for
FREE: www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Win a car - it's even new and shiny - in our top competition:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: Robert Kitson profiles Lions skipper
Brian O'Driscoll, while Martina Navratilova gives us her thoughts on
events at SW19.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Confederations Cup Football Highlights - Tunisia v Germany
(1.35am)
"Back in 1987, an extended holiday saw me driving a VW camper van
through Europe and on to Turkey and Syria," sighs Nigel Benton,
kicking off another week of Bad Holiday tales.
Australia v Argentina (3am)
"Somewhere in the Syrian desert we were flagged down by a military
patrol. They were very interested in the contents of the van, and
decided to help themselves to some of it.
Sky Sports 1: Hong Kong Soccer Sevens (9pm)
"The principal loss was my Sony Walkman (this was the time before CD
things, nevermind iPods) and the tape inside - The Cure's greatest
hits.
Sky Sports Xtra: Soccer Asia (6pm)
"To make it worse, one of the soldiers wandered off with the
earphones in, listening to Killing an Arab. It summed up my mood, but
they had the guns.
BBC Radio Five: Sport On Five (7pm)
"Much later, the aforementioned camper van, adorned with stickers
like 'Damascus', 'Palmyra' etc caused a minor security scare when
parked near Salisbury Cathedral.
Talksport: Evening Kick Off (7pm)
"It turned out that my chosen parking spot was outside Ted Heath's
home and his security people reckoned it could have been a car bomb.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball (7pm)
"Fortunately I arrived back at my vehicle before the bomb squad!"
Have you had a holiday disaster? Well, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk
- marked: It Would Be So Nice.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
YOU BRING THE SAUSAGES, I'LL BRING THE SIZZLE
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.