Post by Salem6 on Jun 15, 2005 16:38:26 GMT
The Fiver
15 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Not-so-great Scott
* * * * * * * * * * * *
INSERT YOUR OWN 'PARKER PENS' GAG HERE
Rio de Janeiro. Paris. Milan. Rome. Bondi Beach. Weird Uncle Fiver's
Bongo Shack. The Fiver can think of lots of places it would happily
spend the next four years. Somewhat lower down our list sits
Newcastle United FC, current home of The Graeme Souness Down Down
Deeper and Down Experience. However, Scott Parker is much less fussy,
telling reporters today that "as soon as I heard Newcastle were
interested, there was only one place I was going". And no, he didn't
mean the drinks cabinet.
Souness has paid GBP6.5m for Parker - some fee for a midfielder who
has produced fewer barnstorming performances in a Chelsea shirt than
David Mellor - so it represents quite a gamble on both sides. But
Souness, who last week actually tried to convince Belgian
man-mountain Daniel Van Buyten that Newcastle "could even win the
Premiership" next season, has been busy working the snake-oil
salesman magic again. How else to explain Parker's view that he's
joining "a massive club".
"I know some people say that Newcastle may have underachieved last
year, but they got to the semi-final of the FA Cup and the last eight
of Euro Vase and in my eyes - and a lot of people's eyes - this is
still a massive club," Parker insisted, his face as straight as a
five-bob note. "The stature of this club is massive and I really have
a high regard for the manager. He is one of the reasons I have
decided to come here. He has been unbelievable and so too has the
chairman." Cripes! What next? Lee Bowyer wouldn't hurt a fly? Kieron
Dyer is just misunderstood?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I love Glastonbury and I was looking forward to DJing there again,
but there is no way I am doing it if Budweiser are involved" - Primal
Scream bassist and MU Rowdies fan Mani's rhythm ain't gonna get
anyone at a certain music festival; not now he's discovered the venue
he was booked to spin the steel wheels in is sponsored by one of the
anti-Glazer lobby's boycott targets.
*********************
ADVERT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get email on your phone:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
BUMPER SUMMER RUMOUR MILL
Today, Chelsea are mostly interested in buying: Joaquin (Real Betis,
GBP30m), Kakha Kaladze (AC Milan, GBP30m), Michael Owen (Real Madrid,
GBP30m or Frank Lampard), Samuel Eto'o (Barcelona, GBP30m), a pint of
milk (Costcutter, GBP30m), Michael Essien (Lyon, GBP30m), a slice pan
(Lidl, GBP30m), a copy of the Big Issue (a tramp outside King's
Cross, GBP30m), etc.
Jerzy Dudek may avoid the Anfield executioner after all, now Arsenal
have joined the race to sign Liverpool target and Villarreal
goalkeeper Jose Reina.
The Big Cup holders may land fading Portuguese superstar Luis Figo,
although they face stiff competition from Bolton Wanderers and Qatari
pension topper-uppers Al Rayyan.
Assuming he manages to avoid doing anything stupid on his way to get a
pen, sweaty-headed love-machine El Hadji Diouf will sign a four-year
contract with Bolton.
Wigan's Premiership spending spree has finally got under way with the
long-awaited acquisition of ... Rotherham keeper Mike Pollitt.
Gordon Strachan has his gimlet eye on Matthew Upson, who reckons a
move to Celtic could boost his chances of playing for England. Hasn't
he heard of Chris Sutton and Alan Thompson?
Manchester City boss Stuart Pearce will fix his scary Psycho stare on
David Moyes and dare Everton to turn down his GBP1m bid for unwanted
striker Marcus Bent ...
... while Blackeye Rovers fans will be overjoyed to hear that Mark
Hughes may take Andy Cole back to Blackburn for GBP750. Sorry,
GBP750,000.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE BBC WANTS YOUR HELP
Do you know when players first got nutmegged? Were you a Mackem before
1991? And does the phrase 'back to square one' really come from radio
football commentary in the 1920s? The BBC is making a major new
series on where words come from. If you'd like to help, click here:
www.oed.com/bbcwordhunt
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Arsenal's Robin van Persie will spend his third night in a Rotterdam
police cell as investigations into allegations of rape made against
him continue.
The jury in Harry Kewell's high court libel action against Gary
Lineker has retired to consider its verdict.
Premiership newcomers Sund-Ireland have welcomed new arrival Kelvin
Davis. The goalkeeper eventually managed to escape from Malaga
airport after being stuck in departures for a whole day.
Sir Sean Connery used 'shum double-oh-sheveneshque tacticsh' to
persuade Brahim Hemdani to join the Pope's O'Rangers. "I arranged for
Sean to meet the player at Cannes Airport to help sell Scotland to
him," said M, otherwise known as PO'R's chairman David Murray'.
THFC' plans to sign all the precocious young talent in the world
continues apace - they've bagged teenage starlet Aaron Lennon from
Leeds for GBP1m, a batch of hoodies and some loud music.
Igli Tare's goal gave Bologna a 1-0 win at Parma in the first leg of
their Serie A relegation play-off, where a comedy mass brawl saw both
coaches and a player from each bench sent off.
Austrian regional league club Podersdorf have been accused of cheating
after losing 20-0 in their final match of the season. Their defeat to
Weiden saw the victors pip Grosshoeflein to the league title on goal
difference. Karl Kaplan, president of the Burgenland Football
Federation, has pledged to launch a special inquiry.
Last and certainly least, the in-no-way-meaningless Confederations Cup
kicks off this evening in Germany as the hosts take on Australia and
Argentina meet Tunisia. The other participants in what Fifa
marketeers have dubbed "The festival of Champions" are Japan, Greece,
Brazil and Mexico.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Has a player ever been sent off on a stretcher? find out in The
Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1506325,00.html
Didn't win a Live8 ticket? Did win one but not allowed sell it on
Ebay? See if your luck's changing in our great car giveaway:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
Get the inside word on the Euro 2005 semi-finals with Georgina
Turner's blog: blogs.guardian.co.uk/euro2005/
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: The threat of a TV blackout for
punters has been averted after Channel 4 signed a one-year deal to
carry on broadcasting horseracing, plus tipster of the year, Ron Cox,
marks your card for day three of Royal Ascot at York.
* * * * * * * * * *
DON'T MISS THE WIMBLEDON SPECIAL IN MONDAY'S GUARDIAN, CONTAINING:
- Martina Navratilova giving her picks for the titles.
- Boris Becker looking back 20 years to his first Wimbledon win.
- And Tiger Tim Henman on coping with the pressures of Henmania.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Simon Lewis's comment that Liverpool being nearer the coast would
make it colder [yesterday's Fiver letters]. It would in fact make it
warmer because the sea stays a lot warmer than the land during the
winter. I suppose we could let him off though because the wind is
likely to be stronger nearer the sea and therefore the wind-chill
factor would make the perceived temperature colder" - Richard
Mitchell (and several others).
"William Poole (yesterday's Fiver letters) makes damning accusations
of using crusty old stereotypes. Well, most of my friends are old
stereotypes, and they are no more crusty than the next man" - Mark
Holmes.
"William Poole says journalists of his acquaintance are no lazier than
the next man. Surely he can't be describing all those hard-working
hacks who ungratefully and scornfully accept press releases from us
PR types each and every day, put their names at the top and send them
off for publication as their own stories?" - Daniel Kennedy.
"Re: yesterday's news in brief. Is the Clash CD that Park Ji-sung is
listening to named London Calling by any chance?" - Duncan Hall.
"Now that Michael Jackson is free to wander around his Neverland ranch
again, our daily fix of celebrity courtroom battle is over. How lucky
we are that we can rely on professional footballers to provide the
Kramer vs. Kramer type action on tap" - Phill Jackson.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
British Eurosport: Live Women's Football - Germany v Finland (6pm)
Eager to pursue this week's riff, Cass Crockatt has chipped in this
tale of a nightmarish holiday. Or is it about a nightmarish
holiday-maker? Or is he a she? And does anyone care?
BBC Two: Match of the Day - Women's Euro 2005 (11.20pm)
"I'm just back from a hellish holiday in Central America," he/she
scribbles. "In Guatemala I climbed a volcano that erupted (although
that was pretty cool!) before crashing a mountain bike and getting
whiplash." You rode a mountain bike up a volcano? Schoolboy error,
Cass. Don't you have a volcano bike?
Sky Sports 2: Fifa Futbol Mundial (6.30pm)
"In Honduras I got Dengue fever only to recover and immediately get
an ear infection, which ended my diving plans." [A
mosquito-transmitted viral disease and a sore ear? Ouch! - Fiver Ed]
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"In Nicaragua I went drinking with a guy I met in an Irish bar who
nearly got us both killed by taking a leak in the middle of a club
while shouting religious insults.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"Then I got the worst EVER case of the runs, which lasted no less
than five weeks.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"But all that was nothing compared to what happened next. The lowest
moment came when, after recovering from my various illnesses, I
finally got the strength to leave my hostel and go to the cinema. The
only movies in English were Shall We Dance? and Bridget Jones: The
Edge Of Reason. I endured both."
Let's be having more of your holiday disasters. Send the best you got
to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking your messages Right Guard Will
Not Help You Here.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? WHO? EFFIN NOBODY ... EXCEPT HIM!
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester
15 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Not-so-great Scott
* * * * * * * * * * * *
INSERT YOUR OWN 'PARKER PENS' GAG HERE
Rio de Janeiro. Paris. Milan. Rome. Bondi Beach. Weird Uncle Fiver's
Bongo Shack. The Fiver can think of lots of places it would happily
spend the next four years. Somewhat lower down our list sits
Newcastle United FC, current home of The Graeme Souness Down Down
Deeper and Down Experience. However, Scott Parker is much less fussy,
telling reporters today that "as soon as I heard Newcastle were
interested, there was only one place I was going". And no, he didn't
mean the drinks cabinet.
Souness has paid GBP6.5m for Parker - some fee for a midfielder who
has produced fewer barnstorming performances in a Chelsea shirt than
David Mellor - so it represents quite a gamble on both sides. But
Souness, who last week actually tried to convince Belgian
man-mountain Daniel Van Buyten that Newcastle "could even win the
Premiership" next season, has been busy working the snake-oil
salesman magic again. How else to explain Parker's view that he's
joining "a massive club".
"I know some people say that Newcastle may have underachieved last
year, but they got to the semi-final of the FA Cup and the last eight
of Euro Vase and in my eyes - and a lot of people's eyes - this is
still a massive club," Parker insisted, his face as straight as a
five-bob note. "The stature of this club is massive and I really have
a high regard for the manager. He is one of the reasons I have
decided to come here. He has been unbelievable and so too has the
chairman." Cripes! What next? Lee Bowyer wouldn't hurt a fly? Kieron
Dyer is just misunderstood?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I love Glastonbury and I was looking forward to DJing there again,
but there is no way I am doing it if Budweiser are involved" - Primal
Scream bassist and MU Rowdies fan Mani's rhythm ain't gonna get
anyone at a certain music festival; not now he's discovered the venue
he was booked to spin the steel wheels in is sponsored by one of the
anti-Glazer lobby's boycott targets.
*********************
ADVERT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get email on your phone:
ad.uk.doubleclick.net/clk;16132284;11305059;u?http://www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone/
*********************
BUMPER SUMMER RUMOUR MILL
Today, Chelsea are mostly interested in buying: Joaquin (Real Betis,
GBP30m), Kakha Kaladze (AC Milan, GBP30m), Michael Owen (Real Madrid,
GBP30m or Frank Lampard), Samuel Eto'o (Barcelona, GBP30m), a pint of
milk (Costcutter, GBP30m), Michael Essien (Lyon, GBP30m), a slice pan
(Lidl, GBP30m), a copy of the Big Issue (a tramp outside King's
Cross, GBP30m), etc.
Jerzy Dudek may avoid the Anfield executioner after all, now Arsenal
have joined the race to sign Liverpool target and Villarreal
goalkeeper Jose Reina.
The Big Cup holders may land fading Portuguese superstar Luis Figo,
although they face stiff competition from Bolton Wanderers and Qatari
pension topper-uppers Al Rayyan.
Assuming he manages to avoid doing anything stupid on his way to get a
pen, sweaty-headed love-machine El Hadji Diouf will sign a four-year
contract with Bolton.
Wigan's Premiership spending spree has finally got under way with the
long-awaited acquisition of ... Rotherham keeper Mike Pollitt.
Gordon Strachan has his gimlet eye on Matthew Upson, who reckons a
move to Celtic could boost his chances of playing for England. Hasn't
he heard of Chris Sutton and Alan Thompson?
Manchester City boss Stuart Pearce will fix his scary Psycho stare on
David Moyes and dare Everton to turn down his GBP1m bid for unwanted
striker Marcus Bent ...
... while Blackeye Rovers fans will be overjoyed to hear that Mark
Hughes may take Andy Cole back to Blackburn for GBP750. Sorry,
GBP750,000.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE BBC WANTS YOUR HELP
Do you know when players first got nutmegged? Were you a Mackem before
1991? And does the phrase 'back to square one' really come from radio
football commentary in the 1920s? The BBC is making a major new
series on where words come from. If you'd like to help, click here:
www.oed.com/bbcwordhunt
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Arsenal's Robin van Persie will spend his third night in a Rotterdam
police cell as investigations into allegations of rape made against
him continue.
The jury in Harry Kewell's high court libel action against Gary
Lineker has retired to consider its verdict.
Premiership newcomers Sund-Ireland have welcomed new arrival Kelvin
Davis. The goalkeeper eventually managed to escape from Malaga
airport after being stuck in departures for a whole day.
Sir Sean Connery used 'shum double-oh-sheveneshque tacticsh' to
persuade Brahim Hemdani to join the Pope's O'Rangers. "I arranged for
Sean to meet the player at Cannes Airport to help sell Scotland to
him," said M, otherwise known as PO'R's chairman David Murray'.
THFC' plans to sign all the precocious young talent in the world
continues apace - they've bagged teenage starlet Aaron Lennon from
Leeds for GBP1m, a batch of hoodies and some loud music.
Igli Tare's goal gave Bologna a 1-0 win at Parma in the first leg of
their Serie A relegation play-off, where a comedy mass brawl saw both
coaches and a player from each bench sent off.
Austrian regional league club Podersdorf have been accused of cheating
after losing 20-0 in their final match of the season. Their defeat to
Weiden saw the victors pip Grosshoeflein to the league title on goal
difference. Karl Kaplan, president of the Burgenland Football
Federation, has pledged to launch a special inquiry.
Last and certainly least, the in-no-way-meaningless Confederations Cup
kicks off this evening in Germany as the hosts take on Australia and
Argentina meet Tunisia. The other participants in what Fifa
marketeers have dubbed "The festival of Champions" are Japan, Greece,
Brazil and Mexico.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Has a player ever been sent off on a stretcher? find out in The
Knowledge:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1506325,00.html
Didn't win a Live8 ticket? Did win one but not allowed sell it on
Ebay? See if your luck's changing in our great car giveaway:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
Get the inside word on the Euro 2005 semi-finals with Georgina
Turner's blog: blogs.guardian.co.uk/euro2005/
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: The threat of a TV blackout for
punters has been averted after Channel 4 signed a one-year deal to
carry on broadcasting horseracing, plus tipster of the year, Ron Cox,
marks your card for day three of Royal Ascot at York.
* * * * * * * * * *
DON'T MISS THE WIMBLEDON SPECIAL IN MONDAY'S GUARDIAN, CONTAINING:
- Martina Navratilova giving her picks for the titles.
- Boris Becker looking back 20 years to his first Wimbledon win.
- And Tiger Tim Henman on coping with the pressures of Henmania.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Simon Lewis's comment that Liverpool being nearer the coast would
make it colder [yesterday's Fiver letters]. It would in fact make it
warmer because the sea stays a lot warmer than the land during the
winter. I suppose we could let him off though because the wind is
likely to be stronger nearer the sea and therefore the wind-chill
factor would make the perceived temperature colder" - Richard
Mitchell (and several others).
"William Poole (yesterday's Fiver letters) makes damning accusations
of using crusty old stereotypes. Well, most of my friends are old
stereotypes, and they are no more crusty than the next man" - Mark
Holmes.
"William Poole says journalists of his acquaintance are no lazier than
the next man. Surely he can't be describing all those hard-working
hacks who ungratefully and scornfully accept press releases from us
PR types each and every day, put their names at the top and send them
off for publication as their own stories?" - Daniel Kennedy.
"Re: yesterday's news in brief. Is the Clash CD that Park Ji-sung is
listening to named London Calling by any chance?" - Duncan Hall.
"Now that Michael Jackson is free to wander around his Neverland ranch
again, our daily fix of celebrity courtroom battle is over. How lucky
we are that we can rely on professional footballers to provide the
Kramer vs. Kramer type action on tap" - Phill Jackson.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
British Eurosport: Live Women's Football - Germany v Finland (6pm)
Eager to pursue this week's riff, Cass Crockatt has chipped in this
tale of a nightmarish holiday. Or is it about a nightmarish
holiday-maker? Or is he a she? And does anyone care?
BBC Two: Match of the Day - Women's Euro 2005 (11.20pm)
"I'm just back from a hellish holiday in Central America," he/she
scribbles. "In Guatemala I climbed a volcano that erupted (although
that was pretty cool!) before crashing a mountain bike and getting
whiplash." You rode a mountain bike up a volcano? Schoolboy error,
Cass. Don't you have a volcano bike?
Sky Sports 2: Fifa Futbol Mundial (6.30pm)
"In Honduras I got Dengue fever only to recover and immediately get
an ear infection, which ended my diving plans." [A
mosquito-transmitted viral disease and a sore ear? Ouch! - Fiver Ed]
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"In Nicaragua I went drinking with a guy I met in an Irish bar who
nearly got us both killed by taking a leak in the middle of a club
while shouting religious insults.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"Then I got the worst EVER case of the runs, which lasted no less
than five weeks.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
"But all that was nothing compared to what happened next. The lowest
moment came when, after recovering from my various illnesses, I
finally got the strength to leave my hostel and go to the cinema. The
only movies in English were Shall We Dance? and Bridget Jones: The
Edge Of Reason. I endured both."
Let's be having more of your holiday disasters. Send the best you got
to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking your messages Right Guard Will
Not Help You Here.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? WHO? EFFIN NOBODY ... EXCEPT HIM!
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester