Post by Salem6 on Jun 10, 2005 15:40:41 GMT
The Fiver
10 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: A Great Decision For Football (But A Terrible
Decision For Liverpool)
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!
You could be forgiven for assuming that Liverpool fans would be
relieved when it was finally announced their club will get to defend
its Big Cup title next season. After all, they finished a distant
fifth in the Premiership, a whopping 38 points behind winners Chelsea
and didn't actually qualify for the competition. But having been on
the receiving end of one or two (billion) missives from paranoid
Scousers over the years, The Fiver knew better. So we weren't one bit
surprised by the cacophony of ungrateful wailing, weeping and
teeth-gnashing triggered around Anfield when Uefa's 14-man executive
committee decided over breakfast (today's menu: fudge, fudge and more
fudge) to make "a special case" and allow the holders into the first
qualifying round of next season's Big Cup.
"Uefa have treated their own champions with contempt. To be told they
have to start in the first qualifier is wrong and a real kick in the
teeth," whinged Les Lawson, spokesperson for the Liverpool
International Supporters' Club, upon hearing his team will be forced
to play actual football matches if they are to retain their shiny
trophy. And while The Fiver agrees that it would have been much
fairer of Uefa to fast-track Liverpool into the last five minutes of
next season's Big Cup final with a two-goal lead, fans of other teams
will relish the possibility of the holders being eliminated in the
preliminaries by a team that has actually earned the right to be
there. Total Network Solutions or Shelbourne, for example. Or
Everton.
Liverpool will have to play six matches to qualify for the group
stages of this year's Big Cup, with the first one pencilled in for -
stop your sniggering now - mid-July. Cue: the cancellation of a
money-making tour of fabled Scouse outpost Japan, and even more
pompous, self-pitying whining: "We are being treated like nobodies,
we deserve to be treated with some respect," howled Les. In the end,
it was left to former player and assistant manager Phil Thomson to
inject a long overdue dose of humility into proceedings. "We are
delighted we are back in. It's a great decision for football," he
aye-ayed gratefully as a stampeding herd of angry Manchester City
fans thundered towards Soho Square, anxious to discover if they can
emulate the Koppites by whining their way into a certain
recently-vacated Euro Vase berth. So far, they can't.
*********************
ADVERT
Win GBP10,000 with Observer Food Monthly and Seeds of Change. Enter
your picture in our photography competition inspired by the phrase
"Feed your imagination". observer.guardian.co.uk/seedsofchange
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Baros was very happy and very surprised to see me. I told him that
Lyon had a great interest in him. He replied that he wanted to think
about it. Now, we'll see" - We've absolutely no doubt Ged Houllier's
approach was legal, but would Liverpool be bothered even if it
wasn't?
*********************
BUMPER SUMMER RUMOUR MILL
Today's welcome news for the Big Cup holders has, coincidentally, got
Dutch striker Dirk Kuyt desperate to tie up a move from Feyenoord.
And once Luis Boa Morte leaves Fulham for Anfield or Newcastle, Chris
Coleman can spend GBP5m of his pocket money on Damien Francis, Paul
Konchesky and some sweets.
Arsene Wenger's had enough donkeys between the sticks at Highbury, so
the Arsenal boss is now tracking Kamil [self-congratulatory honk!]
Contofalsky, Zenit St Petersburg's goalkeeper.
'Park Life' headline cribbers will be dancing in the streets tonight
after MU Bengals target Park Ji-sung admitted he'd have no trouble
adapting to living conditions in the north-west.
West Brom will get Carter when Birmingham midfielder Darren agrees a
GBP1.8m switch to the Hawthorns.
Nightclub proprietors in Valencia are sweating profusely after Patrick
Kluivert failed the first part of his medical at the Mestalla.
Nottingham Forest's fall from grace means Southend hotshot Freddy
Eastwood would rather stay with the Shrimpers than head to the City
Ground.
He's Catalan! He's great! He's Xabi Alonso's mate! Juan Ugarte, Juan
Ugarte! Anyway, the Wrexham forward wants a Championship move, with
Cardiff favourites to land him.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for our FREE news alerts and get the latest FREE headlines
direct and FREE to your desktop:
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Check out our Alan Pardew Gallery before it turns up in The Sun:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1502007,00.html
Let the Knowledge tell you what would happen if every Premiership game
ended 0-0:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1500410,00.html
Gavin Newsham looks back to when Pele and the Cosmos were kings of New
York:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1503396,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The ink on Edwin van der Saar's two-year contract with the MU Bengals
is still wet, he signed it so recently.
Bongo FC gaffer Bernard Cribbins has nabbed long-term Chelsea hobo
Mikael Forssell in a GBP3m deal.
Villarreal's preparations for their first ever Big Cup campaign have
received a handy boost after they signed silky Argentina midfielder
Juan Roman Riquelme from Barcelona.
The Scottish Football Association has apologised to Dundee United
after informing them they would be granted automatic entry to the
UEFA Cup. They meant to dial Hibernian's number.
And John Lukic will be in goal for Grimsby next season. Don't worry
Mariners fans, he's the former Arsenal stopper's son.
* * * * * * * * * * *
AMBASSADOR'S TEA PARTY-ESQUE STYLE SPOILING YOU WITH FIVER LETTERS
"Re: the Pope's Rangers/Queen's Celtic debate. Congratulations Fiver,
I've been a subscriber for a few years now and I never expected to
see the words 'brings to mind the Quentin Crisp quote' appearing in
your letters section. Maybe you should spend a bit more time watching
Women's Euro 2005" - Phil Coppeard.
"The Quentin Crisp quote regarding the Pope's O'Rangers/Queen's Celtic
debate was brilliant - give Roger Bejinde a year's free subscription
to The Sun" - Chris Jones.
"I still find it hard to believe that anyone still REALLY thinks that
Queen's Celtic and Pope's O'Rangers fans knock chunks out of each
other because of an old disagreement about transubstantiation and
consubstantiation, and new ones about contraception and the role of
women in the church" - Donall O Ceallaigh.
"I was shocked to read that Liverpool have again been linked with
Peter Crouch, just days after rumours of Raul's imminent arrival. On
the one hand, you have the complete centre-forward of international
repute, whose touch, vision and eye for goal has made him a household
name throughout Europe. Then on the other, you have Raul" -
Christopher Moriarty.
"Who cares about Manchester United ticket prices? The price of my
season ticket at Goodison Park has risen 116% in eight years and I
don't remember that making the news. In any case, the Man Utd fans
should be more worried about how much it will cost to get all the way
to Old Trafford when pay-per-mile road charging kicks in" - Glen
Wells.
"Re: your recent Quote Of The Day about Man United being founded as a
family club. The strange thing is that United is more of a family
club now than at any time in the plc era. Unfortunately it's the
family from hell: three Glazer sons on the board and Pop hiking
prices. Further than ever from being a working man's club, of course"
- Sean McGarraghy.
"Re: Women's Euro 2005. I hope the following have not been overlooked:
Marian Pahars, Nicola Berti and Lilian Thuram" - Anne Murray.
"I was surprised that no-one pointed out the relative merits of the
England women's team in today's Fiver: they have proved emphatically
that they can perform as well as the England men by being the better
side and leading 1-0, only to somehow concede two goals late in a
crucial group stage match" - Mike Barrie.
"Do women footballers get the hump when one of their team-mates shouts
'man on'?" - George Reed, Darwen.
"Re: Football prediction site pluggery. I wish I had one to advertise,
so that I could get a mention in The Fiver" - Georgie, London.
"The latest 'Liverpool in Europe' fiasco has exposed the governing
bodies of England and Europe to be the complete set of bumbling
buffoons they actually are; it is high time that the game was run by
people who are in touch with the game they purport to preside over.
Even Nostradamus could have predicted the outcome of this one -
posthumously!" - Dave Noonan.
**********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Win a brand spanking new VW Golf Sport in our big competition:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
Georgina Turner's got all the latest Euro 2005 gossip in her special
blog: blogs.guardian.co.uk/euro2005/
Stick cricket your way to the dole queue with the greatest internet
sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
British Eurosport: Live international football - the Toulon festival
(7pm)
All rise for Stephen Barrett, who makes an undeniably fair point.
Highlights of World Cup qualifiers (9pm)
"To put it bluntly, Peter Simmons's tale of Cowbell Man yesterday was
below-par for what has been a below par riff all along," he snaps.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Stop it now.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"Instead, get people to tell you about how rubbish their mates are at
sport, preferably naming names and incidents of being rubbish."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
OK, you heard the man. Send your entries immediately to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking them He's So Lame, I Bet He Thinks
This Riff Is About Him.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"THEY'RE GETTING A CHANCE TO HURL THE BEST TEAM IN THE COUNTRY ON THE
BEST PITCH IN THE COUNTRY. LET THEM TAKE IT! LET THE MOFOS KNOW
THEY'LL GET NUTHIN' EASY!"
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester M60 2RR
10 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: A Great Decision For Football (But A Terrible
Decision For Liverpool)
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!
You could be forgiven for assuming that Liverpool fans would be
relieved when it was finally announced their club will get to defend
its Big Cup title next season. After all, they finished a distant
fifth in the Premiership, a whopping 38 points behind winners Chelsea
and didn't actually qualify for the competition. But having been on
the receiving end of one or two (billion) missives from paranoid
Scousers over the years, The Fiver knew better. So we weren't one bit
surprised by the cacophony of ungrateful wailing, weeping and
teeth-gnashing triggered around Anfield when Uefa's 14-man executive
committee decided over breakfast (today's menu: fudge, fudge and more
fudge) to make "a special case" and allow the holders into the first
qualifying round of next season's Big Cup.
"Uefa have treated their own champions with contempt. To be told they
have to start in the first qualifier is wrong and a real kick in the
teeth," whinged Les Lawson, spokesperson for the Liverpool
International Supporters' Club, upon hearing his team will be forced
to play actual football matches if they are to retain their shiny
trophy. And while The Fiver agrees that it would have been much
fairer of Uefa to fast-track Liverpool into the last five minutes of
next season's Big Cup final with a two-goal lead, fans of other teams
will relish the possibility of the holders being eliminated in the
preliminaries by a team that has actually earned the right to be
there. Total Network Solutions or Shelbourne, for example. Or
Everton.
Liverpool will have to play six matches to qualify for the group
stages of this year's Big Cup, with the first one pencilled in for -
stop your sniggering now - mid-July. Cue: the cancellation of a
money-making tour of fabled Scouse outpost Japan, and even more
pompous, self-pitying whining: "We are being treated like nobodies,
we deserve to be treated with some respect," howled Les. In the end,
it was left to former player and assistant manager Phil Thomson to
inject a long overdue dose of humility into proceedings. "We are
delighted we are back in. It's a great decision for football," he
aye-ayed gratefully as a stampeding herd of angry Manchester City
fans thundered towards Soho Square, anxious to discover if they can
emulate the Koppites by whining their way into a certain
recently-vacated Euro Vase berth. So far, they can't.
*********************
ADVERT
Win GBP10,000 with Observer Food Monthly and Seeds of Change. Enter
your picture in our photography competition inspired by the phrase
"Feed your imagination". observer.guardian.co.uk/seedsofchange
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Baros was very happy and very surprised to see me. I told him that
Lyon had a great interest in him. He replied that he wanted to think
about it. Now, we'll see" - We've absolutely no doubt Ged Houllier's
approach was legal, but would Liverpool be bothered even if it
wasn't?
*********************
BUMPER SUMMER RUMOUR MILL
Today's welcome news for the Big Cup holders has, coincidentally, got
Dutch striker Dirk Kuyt desperate to tie up a move from Feyenoord.
And once Luis Boa Morte leaves Fulham for Anfield or Newcastle, Chris
Coleman can spend GBP5m of his pocket money on Damien Francis, Paul
Konchesky and some sweets.
Arsene Wenger's had enough donkeys between the sticks at Highbury, so
the Arsenal boss is now tracking Kamil [self-congratulatory honk!]
Contofalsky, Zenit St Petersburg's goalkeeper.
'Park Life' headline cribbers will be dancing in the streets tonight
after MU Bengals target Park Ji-sung admitted he'd have no trouble
adapting to living conditions in the north-west.
West Brom will get Carter when Birmingham midfielder Darren agrees a
GBP1.8m switch to the Hawthorns.
Nightclub proprietors in Valencia are sweating profusely after Patrick
Kluivert failed the first part of his medical at the Mestalla.
Nottingham Forest's fall from grace means Southend hotshot Freddy
Eastwood would rather stay with the Shrimpers than head to the City
Ground.
He's Catalan! He's great! He's Xabi Alonso's mate! Juan Ugarte, Juan
Ugarte! Anyway, the Wrexham forward wants a Championship move, with
Cardiff favourites to land him.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Sign up now for our FREE news alerts and get the latest FREE headlines
direct and FREE to your desktop:
www.guardian.co.uk/alerts/0,15907,1457082,00.html
Check out our Alan Pardew Gallery before it turns up in The Sun:
football.guardian.co.uk/gallery/0,8555,1502007,00.html
Let the Knowledge tell you what would happen if every Premiership game
ended 0-0:
football.guardian.co.uk/theknowledge/story/0,13854,1500410,00.html
Gavin Newsham looks back to when Pele and the Cosmos were kings of New
York:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1503396,00.html
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The ink on Edwin van der Saar's two-year contract with the MU Bengals
is still wet, he signed it so recently.
Bongo FC gaffer Bernard Cribbins has nabbed long-term Chelsea hobo
Mikael Forssell in a GBP3m deal.
Villarreal's preparations for their first ever Big Cup campaign have
received a handy boost after they signed silky Argentina midfielder
Juan Roman Riquelme from Barcelona.
The Scottish Football Association has apologised to Dundee United
after informing them they would be granted automatic entry to the
UEFA Cup. They meant to dial Hibernian's number.
And John Lukic will be in goal for Grimsby next season. Don't worry
Mariners fans, he's the former Arsenal stopper's son.
* * * * * * * * * * *
AMBASSADOR'S TEA PARTY-ESQUE STYLE SPOILING YOU WITH FIVER LETTERS
"Re: the Pope's Rangers/Queen's Celtic debate. Congratulations Fiver,
I've been a subscriber for a few years now and I never expected to
see the words 'brings to mind the Quentin Crisp quote' appearing in
your letters section. Maybe you should spend a bit more time watching
Women's Euro 2005" - Phil Coppeard.
"The Quentin Crisp quote regarding the Pope's O'Rangers/Queen's Celtic
debate was brilliant - give Roger Bejinde a year's free subscription
to The Sun" - Chris Jones.
"I still find it hard to believe that anyone still REALLY thinks that
Queen's Celtic and Pope's O'Rangers fans knock chunks out of each
other because of an old disagreement about transubstantiation and
consubstantiation, and new ones about contraception and the role of
women in the church" - Donall O Ceallaigh.
"I was shocked to read that Liverpool have again been linked with
Peter Crouch, just days after rumours of Raul's imminent arrival. On
the one hand, you have the complete centre-forward of international
repute, whose touch, vision and eye for goal has made him a household
name throughout Europe. Then on the other, you have Raul" -
Christopher Moriarty.
"Who cares about Manchester United ticket prices? The price of my
season ticket at Goodison Park has risen 116% in eight years and I
don't remember that making the news. In any case, the Man Utd fans
should be more worried about how much it will cost to get all the way
to Old Trafford when pay-per-mile road charging kicks in" - Glen
Wells.
"Re: your recent Quote Of The Day about Man United being founded as a
family club. The strange thing is that United is more of a family
club now than at any time in the plc era. Unfortunately it's the
family from hell: three Glazer sons on the board and Pop hiking
prices. Further than ever from being a working man's club, of course"
- Sean McGarraghy.
"Re: Women's Euro 2005. I hope the following have not been overlooked:
Marian Pahars, Nicola Berti and Lilian Thuram" - Anne Murray.
"I was surprised that no-one pointed out the relative merits of the
England women's team in today's Fiver: they have proved emphatically
that they can perform as well as the England men by being the better
side and leading 1-0, only to somehow concede two goals late in a
crucial group stage match" - Mike Barrie.
"Do women footballers get the hump when one of their team-mates shouts
'man on'?" - George Reed, Darwen.
"Re: Football prediction site pluggery. I wish I had one to advertise,
so that I could get a mention in The Fiver" - Georgie, London.
"The latest 'Liverpool in Europe' fiasco has exposed the governing
bodies of England and Europe to be the complete set of bumbling
buffoons they actually are; it is high time that the game was run by
people who are in touch with the game they purport to preside over.
Even Nostradamus could have predicted the outcome of this one -
posthumously!" - Dave Noonan.
**********************
STILL WANT MORE?
Win a brand spanking new VW Golf Sport in our big competition:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
Georgina Turner's got all the latest Euro 2005 gossip in her special
blog: blogs.guardian.co.uk/euro2005/
Stick cricket your way to the dole queue with the greatest internet
sports games ever:
sport.guardian.co.uk/thegear/story/0,12490,1073461,00.html
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV AND RADIO
British Eurosport: Live international football - the Toulon festival
(7pm)
All rise for Stephen Barrett, who makes an undeniably fair point.
Highlights of World Cup qualifiers (9pm)
"To put it bluntly, Peter Simmons's tale of Cowbell Man yesterday was
below-par for what has been a below par riff all along," he snaps.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Stop it now.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"Instead, get people to tell you about how rubbish their mates are at
sport, preferably naming names and incidents of being rubbish."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
OK, you heard the man. Send your entries immediately to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking them He's So Lame, I Bet He Thinks
This Riff Is About Him.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"THEY'RE GETTING A CHANCE TO HURL THE BEST TEAM IN THE COUNTRY ON THE
BEST PITCH IN THE COUNTRY. LET THEM TAKE IT! LET THE MOFOS KNOW
THEY'LL GET NUTHIN' EASY!"
The Fiver was written by Barry Glendenning. Guardian Unlimited (c)
Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales.
No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester M60 2RR