Post by Salem6 on Jun 6, 2005 16:00:53 GMT
The Fiver
06 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Big Rubber Hand
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SLAP, BANG, WALLOP
For weeks the Fiver's been racking its brains, trying to remember when
we first saw Peter Kenyon. Then it hit us in the face like several
gallons of sweet, tasty, carbonated, beverage exploding from a small
can: the early 1990s, a fat, bald, orange man charges around -
totally invisible to anyone - before slapping an unsuspecting victim
and screeching: "You know when you've been Tangoed!" A decade on and,
while the body paint has gone, Chelsea's chief executive is still
busy Tangoing, as Liverpool, Arsenal, Man Utd ... and now THFC will
testify. All that's missing, thankfully, is the Ray Wilkins
voiceover.
THFC were genuinely shocked at the alleged tapping-up of Frank
Arnesen (something which, our lawyers oblige us to point out, Chelsea
deny). One informed source told us that the Dane "was in great form"
on the club's post-season holiday of Mauritius, although Kenyon
apparent offer of wads of cash may have helped. As the Fiver went to
press the Premier League was yet to receive an official complaint
from THFC - but sources suggest that, like a Lenny Henry Greatest
Gags DVD, it won't be long.
Meanwhile, while surfing around on the official THFC website, the
Fiver found a jocular report about a chance meeting between the clubs
at Heathrow three weeks ago. "Jose Mourinho asked me 'where are you
going?'" Martin Jol chuckled. "I said 'where are you going?' and he
replied 'Korea'. I told him we were going to Mauritius and he said
'can we swap?' The room fell about in collective laughter." But times
change and that side-splitting, positively Wildean departure- lounge
banter is now a distant memory. THFC certainly aren't smiling now.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"JH Davies was my late husband's grandfather and he always envisaged
it as a club for the working man. It was a family club. But that
doesn't seem to be the case any more" - Elizabeth Partington, a
relative of Manchester United founder John Henry Davies, recalls a
time before prawn sandwiches, Megastores and takeover bids were
fashionable.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE
Paul Doyle explains why the Republic of Ireland won't qualify for the
World Cup with Brian Kerr in charge:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1498556,00.html
Keep up to date with the goings on at the Women's Euro 2005
championship, courtesy of Georgina Turner's newsblog:
blogs.guardian.co.uk/euro2005/
Win a Volkswagen Golf Sport in this newcartastic competition:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
Exclusive interview with the world's greatest footballer, Ronaldinho:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1499509,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: The grass-court tennis season gets
under way with Greg Rusedski on winning form at Queen's and Elena
Baltacha in action at Edgbaston. Meanwhile in Auckland, Robert Kitson
discovers All Blacks coach Graham Henry is unfazed by the prospect of
becoming the first man to lose a Lions Test series with two different
teams.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Real Madrid could use Michael Owen as bait when they go fishing for
Ashley Cole on the North Bank. Fishing. Bank. Good, eh? Oh.
Underwear peddler Freddie Ljungberg could find himself modelling
Y-fronts on the catwalks of Italy, now that Milan have expressed
their liking for the cut of his jib.
Sullen superstar Raul will do anything for Real Madrid, but he won't
go to Liverpool.
Unsettled Chelsea midfielder Scott Parker is set to snub Champions
League contenders Everton in favour of joining Graeme Souness's
Newcastle comedy revue.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Win GBP10,000 with Observer Food Monthly and Seeds of Change. Enter
your picture in our photography competition inspired by the phrase
"Feed your imagination". observer.guardian.co.uk/seedsofchange
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The Premier League has received an appeal from Ashley Cole's legal
team against the sanctions imposed by the independent inquiry into
the Chelsea tapping-up affair.
Edwin van der Sar has become the first MU Galaxy Soccerball Kickers
signing of the Malcolm Glazer era. Tireless South Korean midfielder
Park Ji-sung will be the second.
Newcastle manager Graeme Souness has denied bringing the game into
disrepute with comments directed at referee Barry Knight after
Newcastle's defeat at the hands of Everton.
Marcus Stewart has fulfilled a lifelong ambition by signing for his
home-town club Bristol City.
It's not being built by work-shy, deadline-dodging Aussies, but
Coventry City's Ricoh Arena still won't be ready for the start of the
new season. The club have asked to play their first three matches
away from home.
Millwall will appeal against an FA charge of misconduct for the
alleged racist behaviour of their fans at home to Liverpool last
October.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: lazy Aussie builders. Before Kevin Perret (Friday's Fiver
letters) starts rejoicing too much about Sydney's Olympic Stadium,
could you please inform him that thousands of Irish and English
back-packers built that stadium working for buttons - I personally
know about 30 of them" - Stephen O'Connor.
"Ireland defender John O'Shea should return to what he was destined to
work as - a bus driver for CIE. It's unconscionable that he should
earn a living as a professional footballer. The same goes for Brian
Kerr. To say he is tactically naive is an understatement" - Jim
Cannon.
"Concerning Colegate. The problem I have is that when I tell my son he
has made a commitment and must follow through on his word, it is hard
to explain to him that his hero's commitment doesn't have the same
meaning" - Jeff Schaefer.
"In the last two Fivers we've had sectarian cracks against the
Northern Irish squad and Glasgow Rangers. Do we ever see such
unhinged rants against Celtic? If you must let the genie out of the
bottle, please be even-handed about it. Jokes are jokes, but the
perpetuation of prejudice and bias is an altogether uglier thing,
which should be beneath even you" - John Hall. [Sectarian cracks and
unhinged rants? Hardly. Far from encouraging sectarianism, we
ridicule it. The Pope's O'Rangers and the Queen's Celtic, anyone? -
Fiver Ed]
"How dare you degrade women's football by suggesting that the most
interesting thing at this year's European Championship will be the
looks of the Scandinavian teams? Have you not seen England's Rachel
Unitt?" - Ben Richardson.
"I've seen England's women in action. It's like watching a team with
seven or eight Robbie Savages in it. Except they can all play
football" - Ian Bowater.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please, our sub-editor doesn't want to spend his day reading
your long-winded ramblings - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC 2: Match of the Day: Women's Euro 2005 (11.20)
Roll up, roll up and see Matt Greenslade launch another week of your
tales of terrace oddballs.
Sky Sports 1: Football Asia (12.20am)
"A few seasons ago I turned up at Ashton Gate and wound up beside a
middle-aged guy with an enormous beer gut and Elvis-style shades who
had clearly spent the previous four hours in a local hostelry,"
writes Matt, who we're guessing is a Bristol City fan.
British Eurosport: Live Women's Football: Germany v Norway (5.45pm)
"As the game commenced he slumped into a deep sleep, chin on chest,
blissfully unaware of anything resembling football that might have
been taking place.
Women's Euro 2005: France v Italy (7.45pm)
"At the half-time whistle, having dozed for a full 45 minutes, he
awoke and lit a large cigar while his mate went off to get the pies
in.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Having smoked the cigar and scoffed the pie, he once again fell
asleep before the teams ran out for the second half. He only awoke at
the full-time whistle.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"I've always hoped that he was a regular season-ticket holder who had
never actually seen a minute's football. I suppose GBP350 quid for a
place to kip for nine months of the year isn't a bad deal, especially
if you're hardly ever interrupted by goal celebrations."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Know someone who's put his or her ticket to even better use? Tell
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking your missives Some Clubs Do Have 'Em
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
CANS OF WHITE CIDER FOR 59p, GAMBOLLING AND GAMBLING ON THE EPSOM
DOWNS, THEN BRUISING YOUR RIBS BY SITTING BACKWARDS ON AN AMUSEMENT
RIDE FOR A GIGGLE. IF ONLY YOU COULD BOTTLE AND SELL THAT SORT OF
CLASS
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.
06 June 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Big Rubber Hand
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SLAP, BANG, WALLOP
For weeks the Fiver's been racking its brains, trying to remember when
we first saw Peter Kenyon. Then it hit us in the face like several
gallons of sweet, tasty, carbonated, beverage exploding from a small
can: the early 1990s, a fat, bald, orange man charges around -
totally invisible to anyone - before slapping an unsuspecting victim
and screeching: "You know when you've been Tangoed!" A decade on and,
while the body paint has gone, Chelsea's chief executive is still
busy Tangoing, as Liverpool, Arsenal, Man Utd ... and now THFC will
testify. All that's missing, thankfully, is the Ray Wilkins
voiceover.
THFC were genuinely shocked at the alleged tapping-up of Frank
Arnesen (something which, our lawyers oblige us to point out, Chelsea
deny). One informed source told us that the Dane "was in great form"
on the club's post-season holiday of Mauritius, although Kenyon
apparent offer of wads of cash may have helped. As the Fiver went to
press the Premier League was yet to receive an official complaint
from THFC - but sources suggest that, like a Lenny Henry Greatest
Gags DVD, it won't be long.
Meanwhile, while surfing around on the official THFC website, the
Fiver found a jocular report about a chance meeting between the clubs
at Heathrow three weeks ago. "Jose Mourinho asked me 'where are you
going?'" Martin Jol chuckled. "I said 'where are you going?' and he
replied 'Korea'. I told him we were going to Mauritius and he said
'can we swap?' The room fell about in collective laughter." But times
change and that side-splitting, positively Wildean departure- lounge
banter is now a distant memory. THFC certainly aren't smiling now.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"JH Davies was my late husband's grandfather and he always envisaged
it as a club for the working man. It was a family club. But that
doesn't seem to be the case any more" - Elizabeth Partington, a
relative of Manchester United founder John Henry Davies, recalls a
time before prawn sandwiches, Megastores and takeover bids were
fashionable.
*********************
STILL WANT MORE
Paul Doyle explains why the Republic of Ireland won't qualify for the
World Cup with Brian Kerr in charge:
football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,1563,1498556,00.html
Keep up to date with the goings on at the Women's Euro 2005
championship, courtesy of Georgina Turner's newsblog:
blogs.guardian.co.uk/euro2005/
Win a Volkswagen Golf Sport in this newcartastic competition:
www.guardian.co.uk/competitions/page/0,13349,1498678,00.html
Exclusive interview with the world's greatest footballer, Ronaldinho:
football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,9753,1499509,00.html
And in tomorrow's 60p Guardian: The grass-court tennis season gets
under way with Greg Rusedski on winning form at Queen's and Elena
Baltacha in action at Edgbaston. Meanwhile in Auckland, Robert Kitson
discovers All Blacks coach Graham Henry is unfazed by the prospect of
becoming the first man to lose a Lions Test series with two different
teams.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Real Madrid could use Michael Owen as bait when they go fishing for
Ashley Cole on the North Bank. Fishing. Bank. Good, eh? Oh.
Underwear peddler Freddie Ljungberg could find himself modelling
Y-fronts on the catwalks of Italy, now that Milan have expressed
their liking for the cut of his jib.
Sullen superstar Raul will do anything for Real Madrid, but he won't
go to Liverpool.
Unsettled Chelsea midfielder Scott Parker is set to snub Champions
League contenders Everton in favour of joining Graeme Souness's
Newcastle comedy revue.
* * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERT
Win GBP10,000 with Observer Food Monthly and Seeds of Change. Enter
your picture in our photography competition inspired by the phrase
"Feed your imagination". observer.guardian.co.uk/seedsofchange
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
The Premier League has received an appeal from Ashley Cole's legal
team against the sanctions imposed by the independent inquiry into
the Chelsea tapping-up affair.
Edwin van der Sar has become the first MU Galaxy Soccerball Kickers
signing of the Malcolm Glazer era. Tireless South Korean midfielder
Park Ji-sung will be the second.
Newcastle manager Graeme Souness has denied bringing the game into
disrepute with comments directed at referee Barry Knight after
Newcastle's defeat at the hands of Everton.
Marcus Stewart has fulfilled a lifelong ambition by signing for his
home-town club Bristol City.
It's not being built by work-shy, deadline-dodging Aussies, but
Coventry City's Ricoh Arena still won't be ready for the start of the
new season. The club have asked to play their first three matches
away from home.
Millwall will appeal against an FA charge of misconduct for the
alleged racist behaviour of their fans at home to Liverpool last
October.
* * * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: lazy Aussie builders. Before Kevin Perret (Friday's Fiver
letters) starts rejoicing too much about Sydney's Olympic Stadium,
could you please inform him that thousands of Irish and English
back-packers built that stadium working for buttons - I personally
know about 30 of them" - Stephen O'Connor.
"Ireland defender John O'Shea should return to what he was destined to
work as - a bus driver for CIE. It's unconscionable that he should
earn a living as a professional footballer. The same goes for Brian
Kerr. To say he is tactically naive is an understatement" - Jim
Cannon.
"Concerning Colegate. The problem I have is that when I tell my son he
has made a commitment and must follow through on his word, it is hard
to explain to him that his hero's commitment doesn't have the same
meaning" - Jeff Schaefer.
"In the last two Fivers we've had sectarian cracks against the
Northern Irish squad and Glasgow Rangers. Do we ever see such
unhinged rants against Celtic? If you must let the genie out of the
bottle, please be even-handed about it. Jokes are jokes, but the
perpetuation of prejudice and bias is an altogether uglier thing,
which should be beneath even you" - John Hall. [Sectarian cracks and
unhinged rants? Hardly. Far from encouraging sectarianism, we
ridicule it. The Pope's O'Rangers and the Queen's Celtic, anyone? -
Fiver Ed]
"How dare you degrade women's football by suggesting that the most
interesting thing at this year's European Championship will be the
looks of the Scandinavian teams? Have you not seen England's Rachel
Unitt?" - Ben Richardson.
"I've seen England's women in action. It's like watching a team with
seven or eight Robbie Savages in it. Except they can all play
football" - Ian Bowater.
Want to get something off your chest? Send your letters - a paragraph
at most please, our sub-editor doesn't want to spend his day reading
your long-winded ramblings - to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
**********************
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC 2: Match of the Day: Women's Euro 2005 (11.20)
Roll up, roll up and see Matt Greenslade launch another week of your
tales of terrace oddballs.
Sky Sports 1: Football Asia (12.20am)
"A few seasons ago I turned up at Ashton Gate and wound up beside a
middle-aged guy with an enormous beer gut and Elvis-style shades who
had clearly spent the previous four hours in a local hostelry,"
writes Matt, who we're guessing is a Bristol City fan.
British Eurosport: Live Women's Football: Germany v Norway (5.45pm)
"As the game commenced he slumped into a deep sleep, chin on chest,
blissfully unaware of anything resembling football that might have
been taking place.
Women's Euro 2005: France v Italy (7.45pm)
"At the half-time whistle, having dozed for a full 45 minutes, he
awoke and lit a large cigar while his mate went off to get the pies
in.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm)
"Having smoked the cigar and scoffed the pie, he once again fell
asleep before the teams ran out for the second half. He only awoke at
the full-time whistle.
Talksport: Kick Off (7pm)
"I've always hoped that he was a regular season-ticket holder who had
never actually seen a minute's football. I suppose GBP350 quid for a
place to kip for nine months of the year isn't a bad deal, especially
if you're hardly ever interrupted by goal celebrations."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Know someone who's put his or her ticket to even better use? Tell
the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marking your missives Some Clubs Do Have 'Em
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at
www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
* * * * * * * * * * *
CANS OF WHITE CIDER FOR 59p, GAMBOLLING AND GAMBLING ON THE EPSOM
DOWNS, THEN BRUISING YOUR RIBS BY SITTING BACKWARDS ON AN AMUSEMENT
RIDE FOR A GIGGLE. IF ONLY YOU COULD BOTTLE AND SELL THAT SORT OF
CLASS
The Fiver was written by Sean Ingle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian
Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396.