Post by Salem6 on May 25, 2005 4:32:37 GMT
The Fiver
24 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Brutally Administered,
and Pie-Eating Lardy
* * * * * * * * * * * *
EVERY UNDERDOG HAS ITS DAY
Despite having recently undergone a brutally administered enema [never
mind having to cope with the Freudian turmoil of vaguely enjoying
it], the Fiver can think of nothing worse than being stuck on a plane
full of Scousers bound for Istanbul. Not just because of the dazzling
effect of nylon so close to the sun, but because we hear they've
scribed a new victory chant. To the tune of 50 Cent's Candy Shop.
Involving use of the word 'Whoa'. Yes, really. And if that wasn't
enough to make you wish you were hard of hearing, the obligatory
pre-Big Cup final press conference might.
"We don't have any anxiety," insisted Rafael Benitez today, as a
shimmering figure resembling Bill Shankly materialised on his
shoulder. "We have confidence. We have nothing to lose and a lot of
things to win," he added, perfecting the insincere howl of the
underdog with a scratch of his undercarriage. Milan coach Carlo
Ancelotti, meanwhile, comforted himself by noting that he can count
on seven of the players that won the trophy in 2003. "Experience will
count for a lot in this game," he smirked. "The players know how to
deal with the pressures and anxieties these games bring."
But Rafa could count on trusty Sami Hyypia to quickly whip out
Liverpool's trump card: history. "Everyone remembers the days when
Liverpool were the dominant force in European football," he said,
tucking a Remember When Liverpool Were Good cine-reel back into his
bag. "This game gives us the chance to bring Big Cup back home and to
add to that history. It could be the start of a new era. The club is
in good hands - it is so important to have someone in charge that
knows their football," he simpered. "Our idea will be to play well
during the game," explained Benitez, simultaneously shedding light on
tomorrow night's tactics and his undoubted genius.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERTISEMENT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get started. www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I think that if you go to New York and walk on the street, very few
people would recognise me or any of the players" - Sven-Goran
Eriksson fails to appreciate that much of his England 'B' squad,
freshly touched down in the US, wouldn't be recognised on this side
of the Atlantic either.
*********************
THE FIVER WORST PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS VII
(DAY TWO)
Who will succeed Titus Bramble? Ladeez'n'gennelmen, by 3:15pm today
you'd suggested a whopping 48 different players, but having counted
the votes, here are the 10 nominees who will duke it out for the
seventh annual Fiver Worst Player of the Year awards.
Didier Drogba - "He can't run, he can't jump, he can't score and he's
got a rubbish haircut," writes Alistair Lawrence. "GBP24m for that
carthorse? His goals-per-chances ratio must be the worst in the
league," says Nick Munby, seconding.
Roy Carroll - "Any man that has Man Utd fans yearning for the glory
days of Barthez deserves this award," observes Mike Wilner. "Useless.
If you do end up presenting him with this award, make sure he doesn't
drop it," adds Liz Hennessy.
Mark Viduka - "Boro's answer to Desperate Dan - a pie-eating lardy
who played one game in 2005 and scored twice since mid-September,"
declares Scott Gilbert. "Fat, lazy and uncommitted, to list some of
his more endearing qualities. A disgrace," harrumphs Andrew Haslem.
Mateja Kezman - "A player that has everything Robert Fleck/Chris
Sutton had and less," notes Paul Honeyfield. "His total ineptness was
at times comical," sniggers Ben Cawdron.
Nwankwo Kanu - "Lording it around the Hawthorns on massive wages
despite scoring three goals in 30 games. And as for that superb
1.5yard effort he put over the bar against Boro - good on you Robbo
for dropping him," cheers David Sayer.
Harry Kewell - "I was watching a Liverpool match the other week with
my mate and said I hadn't seen Harry Kewell in ages," writes Anthony
Hull. "I asked if he was retired or out with a long-term injury, to
which the response came: 'No, he's playing'."
Steve McManaman - "Fit only for appearing in a Harvey Nick's XI,"
fumes Iain Campbell. "He pocketed GBP35,000 a week, played 44 games
in two seasons and didn't score or look interested," seconds Mark
Bowden.
Tony Popovic - "For good old-fashioned donkeyism it has to be Poppa,"
argues Conor L, bringing the number of Aussies on the shortlist to
three. "Spectacular own goals aplenty from the big man helped Palace
to yet another inauspicious Premiership finish."
Rio Ferdinand - "A money-grabbing guttersnake," snarls Billy Hill.
"Has any player in the history of football ever had such an
over-inflated opinion of his own worth?" wonders Brian O'Shea.
Nightclub Patrick - "Kluivert could have been a legend on Gallowgate
but obviously he couldn't be bothered," snorts Graham Charlton. "If
he scored as often on the pitch as he did ... [That's enough, thanks
- Fiver Lawyers]," a disgruntled Geordie whose name we've lost.
So there they are. We'll whittle it down to five by tomorrow, drag it
out through Thursday and announce a winner on Friday. What's more,
there'll be a bag of tat from our distressingly empty sleaze cupboard
in it for one unlucky reader, so keep those votes coming to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk with a sentence or two explaining your
choice. And stick Fiver Worst Player in the subject bar so we won't
mistake your mail for a lucrative Investment Opportunity in Nigeria.
THE FIVER WORST MANAGER OF THE YEAR
It's shaping up to be a blanket finish between Graeme Souness,
first-time contender Sir Alex Fergie and last year's winner, Peter
Reid: "He did his very best to get Coventry relegated by making sure
the players were as disinterested as they possibly could be and
watched sod all reserve or youth games," writes Simon Fahy.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Zlatan Ibrahimovic's agent is talking up a GBP48m move to Real Madrid,
who, frankly, are as bemused as we are.
However, the Spaniards do see something in
couldn't-get-a-game-at-Middlesbrough midfielder Ricardinho, who will
ditch Santos for the Bernabeu.
The bad mood on Tyneside is coming from Mr Souness; he's been pipped
by Everton to Scott Parker and now by Liverpool to Luis Boa Morte.
PSV forward Jan Venegoor of Hesselink is setting THFC' pulse racing.
Parma have lowered their asking price for star striker Albert
Gilardino from an exorbitant GBP34m, hoping to get a bite from
Chelsea.
Dennis Wise is poised to join QPR as a player.
And in true highwayman style, Blackeye Rovers boss Mark Hughes will
lurk behind a bush and pounce to hijack Southampton's Kevin Phillips
from his move to Aston Villa.
* * * * * * * * * * *
24 May 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
guardian.co.uk/football
In today's Fiver: Brutally Administered,
and Pie-Eating Lardy
* * * * * * * * * * * *
EVERY UNDERDOG HAS ITS DAY
Despite having recently undergone a brutally administered enema [never
mind having to cope with the Freudian turmoil of vaguely enjoying
it], the Fiver can think of nothing worse than being stuck on a plane
full of Scousers bound for Istanbul. Not just because of the dazzling
effect of nylon so close to the sun, but because we hear they've
scribed a new victory chant. To the tune of 50 Cent's Candy Shop.
Involving use of the word 'Whoa'. Yes, really. And if that wasn't
enough to make you wish you were hard of hearing, the obligatory
pre-Big Cup final press conference might.
"We don't have any anxiety," insisted Rafael Benitez today, as a
shimmering figure resembling Bill Shankly materialised on his
shoulder. "We have confidence. We have nothing to lose and a lot of
things to win," he added, perfecting the insincere howl of the
underdog with a scratch of his undercarriage. Milan coach Carlo
Ancelotti, meanwhile, comforted himself by noting that he can count
on seven of the players that won the trophy in 2003. "Experience will
count for a lot in this game," he smirked. "The players know how to
deal with the pressures and anxieties these games bring."
But Rafa could count on trusty Sami Hyypia to quickly whip out
Liverpool's trump card: history. "Everyone remembers the days when
Liverpool were the dominant force in European football," he said,
tucking a Remember When Liverpool Were Good cine-reel back into his
bag. "This game gives us the chance to bring Big Cup back home and to
add to that history. It could be the start of a new era. The club is
in good hands - it is so important to have someone in charge that
knows their football," he simpered. "Our idea will be to play well
during the game," explained Benitez, simultaneously shedding light on
tomorrow night's tactics and his undoubted genius.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
ADVERTISEMENT: ORANGE
Keep up to date on the transfers, tempers and the tantrums. Click here
to get started. www.orange.co.uk/emailonyourphone
*********************
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I think that if you go to New York and walk on the street, very few
people would recognise me or any of the players" - Sven-Goran
Eriksson fails to appreciate that much of his England 'B' squad,
freshly touched down in the US, wouldn't be recognised on this side
of the Atlantic either.
*********************
THE FIVER WORST PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS VII
(DAY TWO)
Who will succeed Titus Bramble? Ladeez'n'gennelmen, by 3:15pm today
you'd suggested a whopping 48 different players, but having counted
the votes, here are the 10 nominees who will duke it out for the
seventh annual Fiver Worst Player of the Year awards.
Didier Drogba - "He can't run, he can't jump, he can't score and he's
got a rubbish haircut," writes Alistair Lawrence. "GBP24m for that
carthorse? His goals-per-chances ratio must be the worst in the
league," says Nick Munby, seconding.
Roy Carroll - "Any man that has Man Utd fans yearning for the glory
days of Barthez deserves this award," observes Mike Wilner. "Useless.
If you do end up presenting him with this award, make sure he doesn't
drop it," adds Liz Hennessy.
Mark Viduka - "Boro's answer to Desperate Dan - a pie-eating lardy
who played one game in 2005 and scored twice since mid-September,"
declares Scott Gilbert. "Fat, lazy and uncommitted, to list some of
his more endearing qualities. A disgrace," harrumphs Andrew Haslem.
Mateja Kezman - "A player that has everything Robert Fleck/Chris
Sutton had and less," notes Paul Honeyfield. "His total ineptness was
at times comical," sniggers Ben Cawdron.
Nwankwo Kanu - "Lording it around the Hawthorns on massive wages
despite scoring three goals in 30 games. And as for that superb
1.5yard effort he put over the bar against Boro - good on you Robbo
for dropping him," cheers David Sayer.
Harry Kewell - "I was watching a Liverpool match the other week with
my mate and said I hadn't seen Harry Kewell in ages," writes Anthony
Hull. "I asked if he was retired or out with a long-term injury, to
which the response came: 'No, he's playing'."
Steve McManaman - "Fit only for appearing in a Harvey Nick's XI,"
fumes Iain Campbell. "He pocketed GBP35,000 a week, played 44 games
in two seasons and didn't score or look interested," seconds Mark
Bowden.
Tony Popovic - "For good old-fashioned donkeyism it has to be Poppa,"
argues Conor L, bringing the number of Aussies on the shortlist to
three. "Spectacular own goals aplenty from the big man helped Palace
to yet another inauspicious Premiership finish."
Rio Ferdinand - "A money-grabbing guttersnake," snarls Billy Hill.
"Has any player in the history of football ever had such an
over-inflated opinion of his own worth?" wonders Brian O'Shea.
Nightclub Patrick - "Kluivert could have been a legend on Gallowgate
but obviously he couldn't be bothered," snorts Graham Charlton. "If
he scored as often on the pitch as he did ... [That's enough, thanks
- Fiver Lawyers]," a disgruntled Geordie whose name we've lost.
So there they are. We'll whittle it down to five by tomorrow, drag it
out through Thursday and announce a winner on Friday. What's more,
there'll be a bag of tat from our distressingly empty sleaze cupboard
in it for one unlucky reader, so keep those votes coming to
the.boss@guardian.co.uk with a sentence or two explaining your
choice. And stick Fiver Worst Player in the subject bar so we won't
mistake your mail for a lucrative Investment Opportunity in Nigeria.
THE FIVER WORST MANAGER OF THE YEAR
It's shaping up to be a blanket finish between Graeme Souness,
first-time contender Sir Alex Fergie and last year's winner, Peter
Reid: "He did his very best to get Coventry relegated by making sure
the players were as disinterested as they possibly could be and
watched sod all reserve or youth games," writes Simon Fahy.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Zlatan Ibrahimovic's agent is talking up a GBP48m move to Real Madrid,
who, frankly, are as bemused as we are.
However, the Spaniards do see something in
couldn't-get-a-game-at-Middlesbrough midfielder Ricardinho, who will
ditch Santos for the Bernabeu.
The bad mood on Tyneside is coming from Mr Souness; he's been pipped
by Everton to Scott Parker and now by Liverpool to Luis Boa Morte.
PSV forward Jan Venegoor of Hesselink is setting THFC' pulse racing.
Parma have lowered their asking price for star striker Albert
Gilardino from an exorbitant GBP34m, hoping to get a bite from
Chelsea.
Dennis Wise is poised to join QPR as a player.
And in true highwayman style, Blackeye Rovers boss Mark Hughes will
lurk behind a bush and pounce to hijack Southampton's Kevin Phillips
from his move to Aston Villa.
* * * * * * * * * * *